Dee74

Sounds like breaking up was a good decision lobrien.

You're probably not feeling the best now and it's natural to want to be loved - but it would not be good to go back to a bad relationship - whether it's an ex or the bottle...

Stay strong - tons of support and friendship here

D

Lobrien

My ex will never get clean and sober he doesn't want to , but he would always come crawling back to me and I feel a tug for him as if I was addicted to him as I am the cannabis etc.
I feel so weak right now tormenting myself with thoughts of him and all that happened that I could love someone who was so insecure he was abusive .
I feel like I've lost myself somehow. Scared I will never be better

Lobrien

I know going back would be wrong and he doesn't want me anyway as got fed up of me concentrating on my career rather going out and getting drunk with him.
I do need to stay strong and hoping the anti depressants might work and help me on this rocky journey

Berrybean

We can get better... when we give ourselves permission to.

Tormenting yourself can stop whenever you decide it will. Sometimes we can get a bit comfortable in the cycle of torment and self pity. Our AV (addictive voice ) actively encourages it because it so often weakens our respolve not to drink.

Belive me. You can get better. But not through tormenting yourself, or forming resentments over any ex (or other things ) which is where this is headed at the moment. When we get ourselves involved with sick people, things don't go well. Ever. What anyone did or said or thought or thinks is not as important as your recovery, but you are allowing all those things to distract you from planning how you move forward.

I know this might sound harsh, but unfortunately it is the truth, We get better when we decide to do the work on it. I suppose what you need to ask yourself is, Do I really WANT to get better? To feel better? Am I ready to do the work on it? Or am I determined to wallow in this a while yet? Am I ready to take responsibility for my own rescue? There are people who can and will help you - but you have you be in the right frame of mind to listen and accept their help.



A man stood on a burning deck. Waves crashing, and flames engulfing the ship.
A lifeboat appeared and the man was encouraged to leap to safety.
"I won't leave this ship until I figure out the cause of the fire!" shouted the man.

Lobrien

Thanks Berrybean, you are right and I need to focus on my recovery and not be distracted by the past. I think I have wallowed for long enough in my life. I do want to get better and I am going to start focusing on that . Thank you for taking the time to send this message

Berrybean

Good. You deserve to get better.

Maybe have a browse of the links on Dee's thread about making a plan if you're trying to find some positive focus...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-2.html
X

MrPL

Hi Lobrien,

A little story for you: I've now been with my wife for almost 13 years. When we met I was 21, she was 18, and at that specific day I had been sober and clean from cannabis and other drugs for a month. She was a light drinker and had never done drugs.

Over the following couple of months I got heavily back into drinking and cannabis, also started regularly taking pills, mdma and lsd, and not surprisingly she soon started following me and the relationship got rocky.

Like you, we had various "attempts" to quit together, but I always found a way to get us back to drugs and drinking. That lasted for almost three years, when she decided to quit for good. I, of course, kept going.

After quitting she changed as a person, she became a better person, and we drifted even more. Only then I realised I was going to have to quit drugs for this to work. That was not the end of my drug taking and it got worse before it got better, but from that point onwards I stopped getting high when she was around, and eventually when we moved in together it led me to quitting drugs altogether after 12 years using.

We are now married and have two kids and a happy life, but had it not been for her deciding to sober up first, this would never have happened and I could even be dead now.

You have the choice to do exactly the same and it could lead to places you are maybe struggling to see from where you stand. I hope this helps you see there is a way forward.

All the best.
P

Lobrien

Thank you for sharing your story it's nice to hear some people make it together . I wished so much that could have been the same for me and my ex I loved him so much and it made me so sad to see him self destruct and try to take me down with him. He is in total denial though and been an addict for years he is 52 now and I think the damage is done to him and so very difficult for him to change and so accepted he wants to live the rest of his life the same.
I want something different as I still have some hope I can live a better life and I want a better life for me and my son, I want to be well for him and possible grandchildren maybe in the future. But mostly to be hear to enjoy life with my son instead of having hangovers so bad I waste days on a weekend

MrPL

Hi Lobrien,

I can see you are at a hard place. What I was trying to show is that when someone decides to sober up it affects not only them but also the people around them, and I think that focusing on you and your kid is a great plan, I am sure you'll get there.

I don't know if 52 is too late or not, some people here would disagree with that, but anyway, this is about you and it looks like you put that in your head already.

Best of luck and keep coming back, it'll make us happy to see you doing well.

P

Lobrien

I didn't mean to offend anyone when said at 52 this is too late so hope I didn't. I guess he just didn't want to change and I've had a hard time accepting that . I appreciate you messaging me and I am feeling better today than yesterday, didn't hardly sleep a wink last night but think the fresh air I've had today will help tonight

tomsteve

didnt you find the time to drink and smoke?
".....having hangovers so bad I waste days on a weekend.."
im positive you can make time for recovery, which should be #1 on your priority list. without recovery being my #1 priority and making whatever was necessary for that #1 priority, i dont think id be clean and sober today.

Berrybean posted a link to recovery plans.

its gonna take T.I.M.E.
But with footwork you and your life WILL get better!

cwood3

I'm 57 and on day 4. It's not to late. It can't be. I won't believe that because if I do, I'll crank right back up. And I'm not going to do that. Go for it.

MrPL

Hi cwood3,

You are right, my grandad quit at 60! Unfortunately he got very ill a couple of years after that and didn't last long, but the peace in his look after he sobered up was amazing to see.

P

MrPL

I am sure nobody got offended, don't worry about that. We all want to see you well and trust you will make it there!

P

Lobrien

It's not too late at 54 , it s just my partner didn't want to change seems to be happy continuing to self destruct and normalised what he did . Good luck to you , I hope you keep at it and do well in your recovery

Lobrien

Sorry 57 or any age , my nana did it at around the age of 60 and lived until the age of 83.

Lobrien

Starting to feel better today, took my first antidepressant today and up to now no ill effects , fingers crossed as the last one I tried made me Feel unwell.
Realised that often when I drink it affects my mood for days, makes me more obsessional and irrational . This is another good reason to swap the drinking for something more positive. Finally seeing some light after what has been a very dark tunnel.

MrPL

Very happy for you Lobrien! I was honestly waiting for you to post an update!

Keep it going and it only gets better!

P

Hevyn

Glad to hear the good news, Lobrien. You're doing this.

Lobrien

So happy to have come across this site on Sunday,
Yesterday I managed to not drink or smoke weed even though I had both substances in the house. I have never done that before with weed , only not smoked it when I've not had any , I am amazed ?!
Part of it was that having taken the antidepressant I was worried either smoking or drinking would make me unwell.
I am also on sick from my job at the minute which is helping me , I realise that drinking and smoking just leads me to self pity and ruminators behaviour.
Hoping I can do this again today and taking one day at a time. SR