White Knuckling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 919
White Knuckling
It occurred to me today that I might be white knuckling.
September 1st and I will be a year sober.
But my life hasn't markedly improved.
I've always been good at...how can I put it...well, white knuckling.
When I was twelve I decided I would stop eating meat and for a year I stopped eating all meat. Did I enjoy being a vegetarian? Hell no I hated it, but I was a martyr.
When I was 18 I lost 40 pounds in 5 months. Did I do it by eating healthy and moderation? Hell no, I cut out all carbs and counted calories.
When I was in my fourth year of university I went from a C+ to an A average. I just killed myself.
I'm good at that, just doing things to the extreme.
I've always believed that while crash diets and cramming and white knuckling don't work for others, they work for me.
My my, isn't that so similar to how alcoholics think they can drink when all the others tell them they can't.
It could be time to re-assess my strategies.
Or I could just be having a bad day.
September 1st and I will be a year sober.
But my life hasn't markedly improved.
I've always been good at...how can I put it...well, white knuckling.
When I was twelve I decided I would stop eating meat and for a year I stopped eating all meat. Did I enjoy being a vegetarian? Hell no I hated it, but I was a martyr.
When I was 18 I lost 40 pounds in 5 months. Did I do it by eating healthy and moderation? Hell no, I cut out all carbs and counted calories.
When I was in my fourth year of university I went from a C+ to an A average. I just killed myself.
I'm good at that, just doing things to the extreme.
I've always believed that while crash diets and cramming and white knuckling don't work for others, they work for me.
My my, isn't that so similar to how alcoholics think they can drink when all the others tell them they can't.
It could be time to re-assess my strategies.
Or I could just be having a bad day.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
So...a year is awesome!! Congratulations.
Are you doing any program - NOT just whiteknuckling?
Now that you know you CAN live without alcohol, what about trying to live WELL without it. To me, that is what recovery really is. You can be a dry drunk, and maybe have an ok life (or pretty much be the same as you were or even be miserable, you're just not drinking) but on the other hand, you truly can have a life you enjoy.
I don't hear much joy in your post. I want everyone to find the breath and the goodness and the space of a good life of recovery - I'm finding it and it's not about not drinking anymore.
Best to you.
Are you doing any program - NOT just whiteknuckling?
Now that you know you CAN live without alcohol, what about trying to live WELL without it. To me, that is what recovery really is. You can be a dry drunk, and maybe have an ok life (or pretty much be the same as you were or even be miserable, you're just not drinking) but on the other hand, you truly can have a life you enjoy.
I don't hear much joy in your post. I want everyone to find the breath and the goodness and the space of a good life of recovery - I'm finding it and it's not about not drinking anymore.
Best to you.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Nearly a year is a true accomplishment. Meditation broke my tendency to white-knuckle it. It takes work but it's worth it. Check out the Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction. It was the beginning of a new life for me. Also Lawrence Peltz's The Mindful Path to Addiction Recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 486
I've done white knuckling and it is not a good feeling. To me, the difference between sobriety and white knuckling, is sobriety involves trying to build a new life and alcohol is no longer in the thoughts, whereas white knuckling is not drinking, but maybe hoping you could one day? White knuckling for me, though I was like you and could "do" it, was not sustainable. Sobriety, while a challenge, has rewards and IS sustainable. You deserve joy!
Maybe think deeply about why you would rather be sober than drink?
Maybe think deeply about why you would rather be sober than drink?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 350
Wow. That was honest.
And I'm seeing a lot of myself in your strategies. I don't consider myself much of a risk-taker, but maybe folks like us just find the "baby steps" or "take it one day at a time" methods too boring? We want to see the payoff sooner? Putting our noses right there on that grindstone gives us a tiny feeling of superiority? I don't know, but -for sure - I'm still and extremist, and at my age I should have learned to pace myself better.
At 71 days I don't see a lot of improvement, but my SO does.
"How do you feel being sober" would be my question (apart from your feeling that life hasn't improved)?
And I'm seeing a lot of myself in your strategies. I don't consider myself much of a risk-taker, but maybe folks like us just find the "baby steps" or "take it one day at a time" methods too boring? We want to see the payoff sooner? Putting our noses right there on that grindstone gives us a tiny feeling of superiority? I don't know, but -for sure - I'm still and extremist, and at my age I should have learned to pace myself better.
At 71 days I don't see a lot of improvement, but my SO does.
"How do you feel being sober" would be my question (apart from your feeling that life hasn't improved)?
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Kinz,
1 year is a huge milestone. Congrats.
15 months here and I am still getting better ever day.
Imo...quitting the first time...me for 8 months..was 1000x easier than this time.
I didn't have SR to warn me what I was doing to myself.
I just decided to start drinking after that... about 3 years later I quit for 3 months...had some issues quitting...but made it 3 months...
After that I went full up drunk alky...quitting has been a mental horror show. Anxiety through the roof for many months. Getting way better now...
That is part of my sad story...anyway...
Imo...The deal w quitting is...being happy while not drinking...that is where AA pays off...
I go to meetings sometimes...but some folks go everyday...sometimes 3 a day.
It can become the new addiction.
I watch my wife and kid...they are sober. They were happy sitting around..watching tv, playing xbox etc. Me...at first that was hell. Now...I am just like them.
So...we need a serious hobby..i.e. riding motorcycles...doing judo...gardening...something to be.....Content while not drinking...
I think that is the key to staying quit...imo...
Thanks.
1 year is a huge milestone. Congrats.
15 months here and I am still getting better ever day.
Imo...quitting the first time...me for 8 months..was 1000x easier than this time.
I didn't have SR to warn me what I was doing to myself.
I just decided to start drinking after that... about 3 years later I quit for 3 months...had some issues quitting...but made it 3 months...
After that I went full up drunk alky...quitting has been a mental horror show. Anxiety through the roof for many months. Getting way better now...
That is part of my sad story...anyway...
Imo...The deal w quitting is...being happy while not drinking...that is where AA pays off...
I go to meetings sometimes...but some folks go everyday...sometimes 3 a day.
It can become the new addiction.
I watch my wife and kid...they are sober. They were happy sitting around..watching tv, playing xbox etc. Me...at first that was hell. Now...I am just like them.
So...we need a serious hobby..i.e. riding motorcycles...doing judo...gardening...something to be.....Content while not drinking...
I think that is the key to staying quit...imo...
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Congrats on your upcoming milestone Kinz. Just after I hit my year milestone I came very close to relapsing. Bought a bottle of Jim Beam and convinced myself I deserved a drink.
Be careful and treat yourself right, stop to analyze your strategies, goals and your basis for sobriety. I have just passed my two year mark as of last month. I am still constantly reminding myself of why I WILL remain sober today. The longer I stay sober, the more sobriety is simply my style of life.
Congrats on 12 months, that's a huge accomplishment.
Be careful and treat yourself right, stop to analyze your strategies, goals and your basis for sobriety. I have just passed my two year mark as of last month. I am still constantly reminding myself of why I WILL remain sober today. The longer I stay sober, the more sobriety is simply my style of life.
Congrats on 12 months, that's a huge accomplishment.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,919
White knuckling is tough, I did it a lot. A lot of the time, I kept thinking about drinking so the obsessive thinking never went away. I was probably a pretty miserable person to be around.
I've been sober know for several years, and I've pretty much found serenity. What worked for me was the combination of AA and this website.
I've been sober know for several years, and I've pretty much found serenity. What worked for me was the combination of AA and this website.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by kinzoku 
But my life hasn't markedly improved.
The quitting of alcohol is but one step in recovery. If you have areas in your life that need improving, work to improve them.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"But my life hasn't markedly improved."
and that is the results white knockling it gives us.
great read here on white knuckling
http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-re...ckle-sobriety/
and that is the results white knockling it gives us.
great read here on white knuckling
http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-re...ckle-sobriety/
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by kinzoku
#1 -- I'm good at that, just doing things to the extreme.
#2 -- It could be time to re-assess my strategies.
I'm pretty good at that myself, even in sobriety.
Can be used at times to ones advantage.
But, as you already know, can also be a character defect.
#2
I do this often because it's easy to deceive myself.
On a bad day, how bad is it really?
For sure, those drinking bad days were hell.
Letting go of some old ideas -- recommended for this old sober guy.
Daily.
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Well done on almost a year. That is a giant achievement. But you're white knuckling. What Carl, Tom and Bob said is important and something that I have to start practicing.
I've got 2.5 years and I still wake up thinking "when is the fun going to start? Why am I miserable?" I claw my way through the day and then fall into bed at the end, only to start it all over again. It isn't a very nice life and I know that I'm the problem. I'm not doing the work to NOT white knuckle.
I have a glimmer of what it can be. I just need to sit down and do it. So when I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired of white knuckling, I'll get around to it. But drinking is never an option. AA is a good idea. Or if you aren't into AA, another support group, consistently used.
I've got 2.5 years and I still wake up thinking "when is the fun going to start? Why am I miserable?" I claw my way through the day and then fall into bed at the end, only to start it all over again. It isn't a very nice life and I know that I'm the problem. I'm not doing the work to NOT white knuckle.
I have a glimmer of what it can be. I just need to sit down and do it. So when I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired of white knuckling, I'll get around to it. But drinking is never an option. AA is a good idea. Or if you aren't into AA, another support group, consistently used.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Ruby2
I've got 2.5 years and I still wake up thinking "when is the fun going to start? Why am I miserable?" I claw my way through the day and then fall into bed at the end, only to start it all over again. It isn't a very nice life and I know that I'm the problem. I'm not doing the work to NOT white knuckle.
I have a glimmer of what it can be. I just need to sit down and do it. So when I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired of white knuckling, I'll get around to it. But drinking is never an option. AA is a good idea. Or if you aren't into AA, another support group, consistently used.
Good luck to you, too!
Catch 22
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 327
Very good post. I am also a white-knuckler. Three months into sobriety and feeling bored with AA, coffee, and slogging through parties pretending to have fun. It's a struggle. It is what it is.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Darwinia
Very good post. I am also a white-knuckler. Three months into sobriety and feeling bored with AA, coffee, and slogging through parties pretending to have fun. It's a struggle. It is what it is.
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