ulfr

Sorry i havent been here for while ...i havent drank in a long long time but tonight am feeling very vulnerable I have Borderline Personality Disorder i have been back and forward going from one way to hurt my self with another things like putting myself down and calling myself name there isnt a day go by where i havent said something mean about myself i havent been to AA in months i think there getting sick of me coming and going i bet you are all sick of me i try and not hurt myself but i keep scratching myself every so often leaving scratches all over me
am not engaged in any eating disorder behavour but there are times when i feel i need to binge and purge

Am unsure if i should be using this forum as am a recovered drinker but am having other problems

tonight i feel like i want to hurt myself but there is no way for me to do that unless its scratching

i feel that i am a mess and am so closes to tears

sorry
i hope its ok that i use this forum

Thanks

Dee74

Welcome back DA

I'm sure noone here is sick of you - I bet no one is sick of you at your AA meetings either.

There's lots of people to talk to here..you could even post to other people to welcome them, or whatever. Even hang out for a while in the Arcade.

Might help to focus on something else for a little while?

Are you still seeing a Dr, therapist or community nurse?

D

Lightning Bug

We are here to listen. We care. Talk to us.

Soberwolf

Hi

Anna

DarkAssylum, I'm glad to see you checking in. I know it's hard to change the negative thought patterns, but I hope you can. Are you still going to the Church Group that were helping you?

ulfr

my husband thinks i dont need AA that i need to deal how i see myself and that am needing more therapy he says i need Emotions A instead
i think he is right
myself esteem is bad i put myself down all the time i have lots of hate for myself
I have been thinking about get Therapy from a christian organization near to wear i live but its going to cost £15 a time
my husband said i get enough money coming in to do it
but i need to be ready for it and wanting to improve myself esteem
i think am managing with the drink / drugs things its just my other areas of my mental health and if i need to i have here
thank you all for replying to me

Lightning Bug

Husbands mean well. They are like the handymen of the marriage carrying around a toolbox and looking to fix things. But they are not in our heads. They don't really know what our deepest feelings are. They have a limited perspective - they just know what we choose to tell. If you feel you need to work on your emotions, then therapy is good. But AA is also a forum in which you can learn more about your emotions. You can explore yourself through the group sharing of experiences. There could be other BPD sufferers there and finding them could really help you to understand more about your illness. What I am saying is don't discount AA because hubby says so. Try it out for yourself. Plus it is free!

teatreeoil007

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, sweetie.

You are a beautiful person with beautiful inner core. You've got some issues, but they can be worked on. I say go for whatever help you can get and/or afford at this time! In my book, there are no iron-clad rules about getting help. As much as others like to make recommendations, you will know which one is best for you. The hubby means, but he doesn't always know what's best.

I go to church, but will be the first one to say that churches don't always know what best for your specific problems(s) either. There are some things that are just between yourself and yourself and yourself and God.

Reaching out here is good. Don't apologize.

Be kind to yourself.

tomsteve

AA was great for me with my feeling,emotions, and low self esteem.
and a lot less expensive than therapy.

it might be wise for both you and your husband to read the big book to understand what the program is about, how it works and the results that happen as a result of working the steps, one of the promises being

the feelings of uselessness and self pity will disappear.

the alcohol a d drugs are sypmtoms of deeper problems that should be addressed.

ulfr

I can only go once a week to one near( 5 mins down the road ) where i stay my husband says i dont need AA but he willing to take me there and back but no other ones as he dont want to sit in the meetings or take me to one apart from the one down the road
i am needing therapy for things that have happened in my past
AA can only do so much i need to try and treat myself better as well

Tonight Am having flashbacks my husband says have an early night but there is no way am sleeping with these ones

thank you all for replying

Soberwolf

Stick close to us

teatreeoil007

I know what you mean about things from the past...I've had flashbacks too...and had been going through life trying to keep those past things buried. I really benefited from one on one counseling...and THAT is what led to finally stop denying I was drinking to drown out pain and heal some old wounds that had scarred over on the outside but were still festering on the inside. Old wounds as well as not so old wounds, but most of them were from the past none-the-less.

Then once my counselor pointed out to me that I had PTSD, she also pointed out a big cause of drinking. That led to specifically getting help for my drinking...which led me to REALIZE that a lot of it was rooted in my co-dependency...so I started to go to Alanon and group therapy for chemical dependency and continued with one on one counseling.

I have to tell ya, though, that SR has been a HUGE help to me for which I am very grateful for!