saltybeagle30

I am 4 days sober, but I might be too late to save my marriage.

I decided to stop drinking after my lack of faithfulness came to light to my wife. There were two incidents, a few months apart. Sober me knows I would never want to hurt my wife, the person I love the most in the world. I know I was making drunken mistakes. What kills me and her, however, is that I never told her. I lied. I lied while sober, not drunk. I also kept drinking despite knowing I had messed up. I knew it was a problem.

Why would I do that? Is this part of addiction? I am having a difficult time understanding how I could be this evil person. I am determined to stay sober, but how will I ever gain back her trust?

I'm so lost.

Dee74

Hi and welcome SaltyBeagle

I'm sorry for what brings you here.

I think trust and forgiveness in others is something we have no control over. The best we can do is show we;re committed to a new way of life.

There's no guarantee that you getting sober now will save your marriage or that your wife will forgive you or trust you again - just being honest... but staying sober is your very best shot at being the husband you want to be & having the life you want.

I'm glad you found us

D

bigsombrero

Welcome, man - and congrats on 4 days. Now might not be the time to start beating yourself up. Instead, focus on the positives. Four days is great, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to make it 5 days tomorrow.

saltybeagle30

I know I shouldn't beat myself up. I think it is just the shock of actually having to be accountable for my actions, to actually deal with the consequences. I just never realized "drunk me" had carried over to my sober life.

Soberwolf

Hi Nice to meet you

Lightning Bug

You can't control anything you said or did during your active addiction, it is long gone. What you can control is what you do and say now. Your remorse is evident in just a few lines on your post. Use that remorse as a tool to make every second count in your recovery. We can't tell people we are sorry - empty words of an empty promise. We have to show them. Like it was said though, we can't control forgiveness from others. We just have to deliver in our recovery and have hope and faith that we can mend the relationships we broke.

August252015

Welcome.

Please know that you are not alone in realizing that "Drunk you" was acting while you were "Sober you." I have realized that even when I was physically sober, during my (incredibly heavy) drinking, I behaved like a selfish drunk a whole lot of the time. It was ugly; but dealing with it and learning how to live a different life is possible.

Keep going. You CAN forgive yourself; with your wife, time will tell and again, you cannot control what she decides and feels about you and your marriage.

Good luck!!

Nonsensical

What does your wife say when you ask her that?

360startstoday

Are you getting sober for you? Or to save your marriage?

Elle126

Hi Salty, I am so sorry that you are in so much pain, you clearly love your wife dearly and feel deep remorse.
When in active alcoholism we are extremely selfish people and think nothing of the consequences of our actions and as a result the ones we love the most are the ones we hurt the most.
As I see it you have breached your wife's trust on 2 levels, the infidelity and the drinking.
By committing yourself 100% to a life of sobriety gradually changes will happen and maybe then you can rebuild the trust.
Good luck
Elle

Berrybean

You know, we're not only alcoholic when we're drunk. We still have alcoholic thinking between drinks. And that thinking is stinking thinking.

As well as getting sober, it's important to work on our recovery. That's how we learn to live life on life's terms, be driven by our conscience rather than our AV (alcoholic voice) and get honest - even when we don't like the truth or think it shows us in our best light. We start owning up to our mistakes, but then we start making less as well, so that's okay.

Why not get along to some AA meetings and sit and listen to other people's experiences. I suspect that you'll find a lot of identification. There is no expectations of pressure to share yourself. If it's a turn-taking meeting, yiu just say 'pass' and the next person will speak.

Sorry for what brings you here. And things won't get better overnight. But if yiu can get sober, and work on your recovery, things can get better. Not even better than they are just now. But potentially better than they have ever been. Recovery is pretty amazing like that.

U75

Was alcohol the cause of your infidelity? Or, do you think it may be a problem whether you're sober or not?

That's a deliberately hard question, but I think it's one that you need to answer for yourself if you are to begin working to rebuild your wife's trust.

soberclover

I was a completely different person when I was drinking. I didn't like who I was. I'm not drinking anymore and I'm really starting to like who I am. The best thing you can do is to stay sober while trying to figure this all out. Glad you are here!

saltybeagle30

She doesn't believe me, but who can blame her? However, she is willing to see if I can succeed. We are looking to begin counseling soon with someone certified in both marriage and substance abuse therapy.

I have also committed to go to my first AA meeting this Saturday. As you can imagine, I am extremely nervous.

Also, for the person that asked, I am doing this for myself and for my marriage. I have hurt many people in my life, including myself, because of alcohol. I have been too afraid to admit it, and I would downplay the damage it had done by comparing myself to those in worse situations. It took these recent mistakes to realize that I have changed as a person, and that I was indeed heading down the path to my own worse situation. I have no issues with infidelity, unless I am drinking. I have to fix myself and become a better me.

For now, I am taking it one day at a time. I am reading a book (Don't Let the Bastards Grind You Down by Georgia W.). I am going to go to therapy and AA. I know I can do it. Thanks everyone for the support.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Saltybeagle!!

IvanMike

Welcome. It comes as a shock to all of us.

I've got news for you, drunk you and sober you are the same person. The good news is that you get to change who that is (at least the parts you don't want to keep), as long as you stay clean and sober and engage in recovery.