Back again...
 

Well, I messed up on the solstice due to apathy, and gave into withdrawals.

I have been falling asleep on the couch after work everyday after a six pack of beer, many times waking up at 4am with my pants and couch soaked in beer. I wake up and drink water, which I usually throw up right away. 90% of my calories have come from my beer, emaciating me and making physical work that much more difficult. After spending every weekend last month in bed and getting late starts to work, I now know I can't drink.

What's most important is that I don't like the feeling I get from alcohol anymore. Even after 2 beers, I get reclusive and quiet... tired, then I drink more to push past and drink more until I black out and wake up just wanting to sleep while sweating in beer soaked clothes. It doesn't have any positive place in my life. It doesn't help me relax. My anxiety levels after drinking are through the roof and I come across as not having any confidence.

I don't go to the gym anymore because I come home after work and drink. I was watching motivational videos, and kept hearing how important it is to chase your passions and goals. I'll start with goals... I took a blank piece of paper, and wrote "My Goals" at the top. It took about an hour before I wrote anything, but started with "living healthy". That's the only thing I wrote. I know now the number one thing that is keeping me from making healthy decisions and motivation to do so is tied to drinking and the fact that it needs to go.

As soon as I started feeling withdrawals, I went to an evening AA meeting, which was uncomfortable, but introduced myself and opened up. There were many supportive people, and told me to call anytime, but two younger guys stuck around and were very cool. I was having confusion due to withdrawals, but realized I only ate yogurt today. I almost went to the liquor store, but knew my intense cravings would pass. I instead got a big burrito and force fed myself. My brain is fuzzy, but my body doesn't crave alcohol as much right now, so I'm going to bed after watching some Olympics.

I always stop in here when I feel it's important to make this change. I don't always post, but it gets me thinking. I have finally realized that I need to learn to love myself, and one of the first actions toward that goal is to be healthy. Poison is not healthy. The next week/month is not going to be easy, but I will stop in and make sure to eat and wait out the cravings. Thank you all, and today is day one.

Sober,

You have all the knowledge you need to quit.

It takes a few days to get the physical sorted, then the kindling and PAWS will be what you have in front of you.

I look back about a year ago and I wonder how i survived those early months. But, I did. Nobody but me really knew or cared I was suffering.

You can do it. Don't keep relapsing. The brain damage gets worse and worse each time.

We are here for you.

Hey sobersolstice,
I finally had to stop because of that poisoned feeling too. Drinking was making me so sick and miserable. After I quit I did not see improvement for quite some time. That scared me and made me very anxious, but I knew if I drank it would get worse every time because I DID have a withdrawal seizure. You may or may not experience kindling. Until my seizure my frequent attempts to quit were much the same. A one-time (& last time) 3 day black-out vodka bender plus Ativan produced my seizure when I tried to quit cold turkey. Nor does everyone end up with PAWS, but if you dwell on it you might obsess yourself into a mimic state.
It kind of sounds like you are in a pretty panicky state a lot of the time. If you could just sit and breath slowly and consider that nothing is threatening you RIGHT NOW, maybe you could slow down the impulsive desire to drink. I believe you can do this, and we are here for you. Do you think you could check in before you give in to impulse?

Good to see you have you considered writing up a new recovery plan

Hey Dame,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I realize many have given up on me at this point, but I will continue on this endeavor. Woke up at 3:30am after falling asleep at 9:45. I feel like I already got a full-night's sleep.

I'm glad I found a good AA group, and have some like minded folks I can call (though it's weird calling a stranger for support), I feel like someone cares. In the past it was always just me that kept me from drinking, though you guys have been helpful, even thinking about alcohol became a trigger. I also remember going straight to the liquor store after my first AA meeting years ago. I see this site in a different light now, and realize AA isn't as heavy on religion (I'm agnostic) at this meeting. It was still scary in that I wasn't used to how it goes, and wasn't saying what I was supposed to when everyone else started holding hands etc.

I don't want to be the guy throwing up his water in the morning, looking himself in the mirror with blood shot, watery eyes and a puffy face. I don't want to be the guy that squirts his trousers during a client meeting, losing a deal because of incontinence. I don't want to be the guy that finds comfort and solace in a dark condo because he's too ashamed to go out for a cup of coffee. I miss my friends. Many drink, but don't want to associate with me because of the quantity I consume. Most are athletes, so they generally have just one (I know I can't do that). I miss being an athlete. It'll be a long road back, but I feel it will be so much more enriching and healthy in so many ways, plus these folks don't push drinking on you. Half of them don't drink at all because they want to perform at the elite level.

I miss feeling strong and confident. I can't handle the huge physical and mental swings anymore. I know I'll have to deal with the next month or so, but I can't be weak to the sauce anymore. In the past, I never saw my relapses as losing, and I hate losing. I used to drown that thought away. This time, I'm coming with an approach that I will fight for my life.

Thanks, and I'll check in regularly.

Hi solstice, wow just read your post above. You need to keep that post, imprint it into your brain... It's so honest so raw and so searingly real. When times get tough in the future reread it again and again and keep your promise to yourself to never go back there.
Be the man you can be, the man you deserve to be.
As for the religion aspect of AA it is explained very clearly in the Big Book. Your higher power can be anything, nature, the universe, a tree a chair literally anything. Some people consider the rooms of AA even to be their higher power.
Just keep going back, go with an open heart and mind and it will work for you.
Good luck. Elle

I woke up and read my journal. It's been crazy how I've repeated the same mistakes. The list of things that alcohol has done is atrocious. Re-reading the journal has made me realize that I do have people I can call. There are online resources. I cannot fear support. I always tried this on my own. Now I know anyone who has been through this doesn't want others to go through it.

I also realize that I don't have much of an appetite. Any time I crave alcohol, I realize that craving can be ameliorated by eating something. Anything. In the beginning, a soda to hold me over until I find food will be fine. It has worked in the past. I think to myself "this tastes so much better than alcohol", then chase down some good healthy calorie dense food. Avoid caffeine. Makes me jittery, and know how that goes. Solid, consistent meals.

Slowly start exercising again. I generally jump in too quickly, but that shock is maybe what I need. I just can't pretend I'm 10 years younger and jump into intense training. I'll start with nature. I pay insane money to live in a beautiful mountain town. I need to cherish it. I will hike and breathe. Drink nourishing water and electrolytes. Starting with hiking should give me some appreciation for life. Flyfishing is always soul enriching and viscerally satisfying.

It's Monday, so I will work on client acquisition. If I feel bad, I can eat a meal, drink some water, and let the feeling pass. I never realized that the cravings wax and wane. Waiting out the waves will be part of this process, even if I need a quick sugar fix while the wave builds.

I'll be logging my progress.

Hey,

I went through the same thing. My poison was vodka. I too had poor eating habits and threw up my water. I could never go out to eat with my friends or family, I was never hungry and the thought of food made me want to barf. I can finally eat now, I actually get hungry and drink bottles of water and can hold my vitamins down. I would wake up at four a.m. with my mind racing and would have to do a couple shots just to go back to sleep. I was so ashamed, so ashamed that I would have been drinking since four in the morning and throughout the day/ night. Talk about embarrassing. I'm rooting for you , I don't know you but I have your back. You can do this.

I woke up at 3:30am today. Been chatting with a good guy on here talking about skiing and patrolling. Going out for a hike now. Should be nice and cool.

Welcome back Sobersolstice!! :)