My Struggle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Eastern PA
Posts: 165
My Struggle
Hi everyone! I have been on this site for about 9 months trying to figure out how to get sober. I have been reading the "how I got sober" posts and it's been really inspirational. I haven't shared my background but would like to invite you into my story.
My mother was a depressive personality for as long as I can remember. My grandmother was abusive to her - the reasoning was my grandfather Bernardo was a drunk when they immigrated from Italy - and he was lazy, didn't work. I know that to be the case. However, my grandmother was super productive and saved money sewing in the sweat shops in the 40's. That money paid for two semesters at community college. She was wonderful to me and horrible to my mother. I never got it. My mother was clearly abused.
My mother was an attractive woman - and kind. I look exactly like her. One day when I'm not so concerned about privacy, I'll post her pics. I lost her at 17 due to a car accident. Everyone will now think "Oh that is why she has a drinking problem"..I think it didn't help for sure. But I'm pretty positive I was set up for alcoholism earlier in life. I was sheltered - and insecure about who I was. I remember holding on to the door (horizontally) with my mother pulling me to get into the 1st grade. I never felt like I fitted in.
I'm feeling like I need to rest a bit before I continue the story..it's very emotional and now that both parents are gone, I'm overwhelmed. I was an only child. Ok - more later. Thanks to all of you xoxox
My mother was a depressive personality for as long as I can remember. My grandmother was abusive to her - the reasoning was my grandfather Bernardo was a drunk when they immigrated from Italy - and he was lazy, didn't work. I know that to be the case. However, my grandmother was super productive and saved money sewing in the sweat shops in the 40's. That money paid for two semesters at community college. She was wonderful to me and horrible to my mother. I never got it. My mother was clearly abused.
My mother was an attractive woman - and kind. I look exactly like her. One day when I'm not so concerned about privacy, I'll post her pics. I lost her at 17 due to a car accident. Everyone will now think "Oh that is why she has a drinking problem"..I think it didn't help for sure. But I'm pretty positive I was set up for alcoholism earlier in life. I was sheltered - and insecure about who I was. I remember holding on to the door (horizontally) with my mother pulling me to get into the 1st grade. I never felt like I fitted in.
I'm feeling like I need to rest a bit before I continue the story..it's very emotional and now that both parents are gone, I'm overwhelmed. I was an only child. Ok - more later. Thanks to all of you xoxox
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,902
I'm glad you shared your story. I don't mean to sound heartless, but your story is history, it's in the past and there is nothing you can do to change that.
The key is, what are you going to do today to stay sober?
Today is all we have, the past is gone and tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. It took me awhile to understand that (and AA helped there).
I used to drink, in part, because of things that had happened to me. I was the "victim," so it wasn't my fault. Unfortunately, the people who I was holding resentments against were long gone out of my life (or even dead), yet I was the one waking up with a crashing hangover every morning. That was an insane way to live.
The key is, what are you going to do today to stay sober?
Today is all we have, the past is gone and tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. It took me awhile to understand that (and AA helped there).
I used to drink, in part, because of things that had happened to me. I was the "victim," so it wasn't my fault. Unfortunately, the people who I was holding resentments against were long gone out of my life (or even dead), yet I was the one waking up with a crashing hangover every morning. That was an insane way to live.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Eastern PA
Posts: 165
Oh my, Zebra - I appreciate the chance to practice the surrender prayer. The purpose of my post wasn't for "woe is me", I simply have never shared my story.
I'm not the social type so I am really trying to get to AA meetings but am having a difficult time. I texted a girl from a meeting I went to last Saturday so I'm clinging to the hope she can bring me to another meeting..
Please don't judge me. I wish you nothing but peace.
I'm not the social type so I am really trying to get to AA meetings but am having a difficult time. I texted a girl from a meeting I went to last Saturday so I'm clinging to the hope she can bring me to another meeting..
Please don't judge me. I wish you nothing but peace.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Don't feel judged, I don't think it was meant that way. Instead I think the poster was trying to shift you from history (out of your control) to the present (in your control) so that you can do the hard work needed to bring and keep sobriety in your life.
Originally Posted by BeanieBaby 
Oh my, Zebra - I appreciate the chance to practice the surrender prayer. The purpose of my post wasn't for "woe is me", I simply have never shared my story.
I'm not the social type so I am really trying to get to AA meetings but am having a difficult time. I texted a girl from a meeting I went to last Saturday so I'm clinging to the hope she can bring me to another meeting..
Please don't judge me. I wish you nothing but peace.
I'm not the social type so I am really trying to get to AA meetings but am having a difficult time. I texted a girl from a meeting I went to last Saturday so I'm clinging to the hope she can bring me to another meeting..
Please don't judge me. I wish you nothing but peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Eastern PA
Posts: 165
Imagine this exchange like an AA meeting. A newcomer shares family history and there's a jump about "that's in the past, what are you going to do about it today." Respectfully, I am trying to untangle how my brain got here, so a little understanding and patience would be appreciated. I love this forum. Please keep it safe it newcomers. xoxox
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 518
Originally Posted by BeanieBaby
Imagine this exchange like an AA meeting. A newcomer shares family history and there's a jump about "that's in the past, what are you going to do about it today." Respectfully, I am trying to untangle how my brain got here, so a little understanding and patience would be appreciated. I love this forum. Please keep it safe it newcomers. xoxox
Take your time, im interested to hear more when you are ready.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Untangle away 
and welcome! Our nerves are raw at first but in my experience everyone here has been incredibly supportive and full of wisdom - please stick around!
Unfortunately, the people who I was holding resentments against were long gone out of my life (or even dead), yet I was the one waking up with a crashing hangover every morning. That was an insane way to live.
Thanks for posting that, Zebra. I remember hearing "resentment is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die" (something like that!) - and yes, so true.
and welcome! Our nerves are raw at first but in my experience everyone here has been incredibly supportive and full of wisdom - please stick around! Unfortunately, the people who I was holding resentments against were long gone out of my life (or even dead), yet I was the one waking up with a crashing hangover every morning. That was an insane way to live.
Thanks for posting that, Zebra. I remember hearing "resentment is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die" (something like that!) - and yes, so true.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 356
Beanie, I still struggle with the past and what happened to me. I think I was a victim in some cases, and I did myself in at other times and situations. And for years I wallowed in anger, alcohol, and resentment. I am better now, but I know how you feel. Sometimes it is hard to forget the past and move forward. But there is really no other way. Hang in there. Stick by SR. It is a real help. I wish you the best in your recovery.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hi Beanie. I am glad you felt safe enough to share what you have so far about your past.
I have few thoughts about that whole issue of leaving the past in the past. I think there is something to it, BUT, I think it is so important to take care of things from our past that haven't been resolved; as it is often things that have happened that we've never "dealt with" that are contributing to our drinking; wounds that never healed and we seek/sought to escape the pain by numbing it with drinking; even if it's only a temporary type of pain relief.
So, I think I understand what you're getting at.
I am sooo sorry your mom died when you were 17; that is tough! And, a lot of kids sorta "lose" their parents via addiction. They also 'lose' when they are abused and feel like running away rather than face the abuse indefinitely.
It needs to be talked about to a certain extent, I feel. Talking about it is usually helpful. There too much of the "oh hush up" mentality out there, whether it's just being able to voice what is bugging you RIGHT NOW or whether it is being able to voice what is bugging you from the past.
I have few thoughts about that whole issue of leaving the past in the past. I think there is something to it, BUT, I think it is so important to take care of things from our past that haven't been resolved; as it is often things that have happened that we've never "dealt with" that are contributing to our drinking; wounds that never healed and we seek/sought to escape the pain by numbing it with drinking; even if it's only a temporary type of pain relief.
So, I think I understand what you're getting at.
I am sooo sorry your mom died when you were 17; that is tough! And, a lot of kids sorta "lose" their parents via addiction. They also 'lose' when they are abused and feel like running away rather than face the abuse indefinitely.
It needs to be talked about to a certain extent, I feel. Talking about it is usually helpful. There too much of the "oh hush up" mentality out there, whether it's just being able to voice what is bugging you RIGHT NOW or whether it is being able to voice what is bugging you from the past.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Dallas Texas
Posts: 579
Hello BeanieBaby,
The problem with texted is you can't hear tone or see facial expressions. I think it's good to write out your story. Some of what I post here is for others and some is just for me. I have no idea who gets what out of the things I post.
"holding on to the door..." I haven't thought about that in a while. Drinking works like magic if your trying to "fit in." Thanks for the post.
Getting sober as easy just not drinking again but it's so damn tricky. Dealing with the past helps but I think that happens most after you quit.
The problem with texted is you can't hear tone or see facial expressions. I think it's good to write out your story. Some of what I post here is for others and some is just for me. I have no idea who gets what out of the things I post.
"holding on to the door..." I haven't thought about that in a while. Drinking works like magic if your trying to "fit in." Thanks for the post.
Getting sober as easy just not drinking again but it's so damn tricky. Dealing with the past helps but I think that happens most after you quit.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I strongly agree with what Teatree said! You must deal with the past - in AA, step 4 involves facing your resentments, fears, harm to others and sex (relationship) conduct, and what happened to you, then your part in it. This is not something to deal with right away, regardless of your chosen program - you absolutely need to feel and express and process your trauma. That's a different time and path for all of us; we have all had our life's terrible-ness. But you will need to put it in its place (in AA, it is said that we do not dwell on the past, nor shut the door on it) to move to a better life. Which you can! In your own time, and with support that keeps you moving forward.
A friend to help you go to an AA meeting is great. Please go, even if you show up a little late, sneak in, and leave before the Serenity Prayer at the end if it makes you uncomfortable- I say that exact scenario because it was all I could do at first!! I have a dear friend who is one of the most introverted people I have ever known and he has only dabbled in AA; I truly believe that being around people, just sitting there, would be a great start for him if he can get himself to choose to go.
You are not alone, and we will listen. I would remind everyone (and myself) that it is often hard to hear the "tone" of things we write online - this is a safe place and people mean well - even when being blunt no one who is really trying to live a sober, good life on here is trying to be mean.
Take care of yourself.
A friend to help you go to an AA meeting is great. Please go, even if you show up a little late, sneak in, and leave before the Serenity Prayer at the end if it makes you uncomfortable- I say that exact scenario because it was all I could do at first!! I have a dear friend who is one of the most introverted people I have ever known and he has only dabbled in AA; I truly believe that being around people, just sitting there, would be a great start for him if he can get himself to choose to go.
You are not alone, and we will listen. I would remind everyone (and myself) that it is often hard to hear the "tone" of things we write online - this is a safe place and people mean well - even when being blunt no one who is really trying to live a sober, good life on here is trying to be mean.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I second this: ^^^^^
Continue your story, if you feel like....Don't shut yourself up....
My parents were from that generation of "Don't talk about it!". But they got better over the years as the times changed into more of a "Let's talk about this". I credit a little of that with Mr. Phil Donahue...who I see as the first of many talk show hosts. What I remember is that many friends and family of the "Don't talk about it" generation were the ones just eating up the Phil Donahue shows the most! So, for them, maybe they were so starved themselves from not being about to talk about things.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGOQUahAmxg
(some of us surely remember Phil Donahue!)
Fast forward to today and it almost seems you can't stop anyone from talking about anything. It may be that you need a therapist, but many cannot afford one, so we do the best we can. There are some great things in life that are free though. Maybe just having a good friend to lend an ear. Going to an AA meeting sounds like a great idea, even if you don't feel like it. For every effort you put into something you get amazing returns! That's my personal pep talk when I get into a "just don't feel like it" sort of funk. Just keep trying and I believe something will open up for you that will help you realize you can make it.
Continue your story, if you feel like....Don't shut yourself up....
My parents were from that generation of "Don't talk about it!". But they got better over the years as the times changed into more of a "Let's talk about this". I credit a little of that with Mr. Phil Donahue...who I see as the first of many talk show hosts. What I remember is that many friends and family of the "Don't talk about it" generation were the ones just eating up the Phil Donahue shows the most! So, for them, maybe they were so starved themselves from not being about to talk about things.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGOQUahAmxg
(some of us surely remember Phil Donahue!)
Fast forward to today and it almost seems you can't stop anyone from talking about anything. It may be that you need a therapist, but many cannot afford one, so we do the best we can. There are some great things in life that are free though. Maybe just having a good friend to lend an ear. Going to an AA meeting sounds like a great idea, even if you don't feel like it. For every effort you put into something you get amazing returns! That's my personal pep talk when I get into a "just don't feel like it" sort of funk. Just keep trying and I believe something will open up for you that will help you realize you can make it.
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