Darwinia

I am amongst other things the product of a narcissistic mother.

Low self-esteem, pervasive sadness, inability to bond with others and self-destructive behaviour. I have it all.

I confronted my mother today for the first time in my 55 years on this planet. Predictably it did not end well. And as with this form of abuse the guilt once again is on me. My mother is old and perhaps I should just have let it go.

At least the incident did not drive me to seek solace in the bottle.

I am worth something.

biminiblue

I learned that Mom isn't going to change.

I found compassion and forgiveness for her during her life, but I had to protect myself and keep visits controlled and short. When she died I was both sad for her and relieved for me. It's confusing - but they are who they are.

ScottFromWI

3 statements that are very connected here. You ARE worth something and the fact that YOU did not choose to drink proves it. Give yourself credit for that as it's a very important connection to make . Your mother cannot "make" you drink....you make a choice, and you made the right one.

Regarding the confrontations, letting it go is important. Avoiding them in the first place is an even better solution. Sometimes we need to simply cut off communications with those in our lives that are toxic - even our parents. It doesn't have to be permanent but many times the toxic person thrives/craves the attention they get in a "confrontation", even when it's bad attention. Cutting that off completely can be a big step in letting them know that their behavior is unacceptable. It's difficult to do, and some will never change their ways - but you need to do the right thing for yourself.

MLD51

I have a toxic father, who I have to go visit this weekend. He's sick and I went over two years without talking to him. I didn't know how sick he was until I reestablished contact about a month ago. He lives 400 miles from me. I needed to put him on a shelf until my sobriety was established. He was very angry and hurt and tried to heap a whole sh*t pile of guilt on me for not being in touch. He's still doing it. I'm NOT looking forward to this visit, but I know I won't drink and I'll get through it somehow. I'm not going to rise to his bait. I'll take deep breaths when necessary and find reasons to walk away when I need to. "I think the cat needs feeding." "You need paper towels - I'll just run and get some." "I'm running out for some coffee." Whatever it takes. He won't live many more years. I'll never change him. He is who he is, and I can only control how I react. But the anxiety is building already. I'm determined to not feel like I'm not good enough for him, though. Like Darwinia said, "I am worth something."

Lightning Bug

Confronting an abuser can offer someone a sense of control, something that they didn't have any of when the abuse was active. It must be liberating to get all of it out, regardless of the outcome. It would be healthier for you to let it all go now. If you forgive her it will not be to her benefit, forgiving her will be to yours.

FarToGo

Giving you a guilt trip is classic narcissist, they can't do relations any other way, it's a deep defensiveness they live behind. Pretty sad for them really unless you are on the receiving end of course.
I too have a toxic relationship (non relationship) with my mother, we've not had contact for years. Not ideal and it bothers me, but for now, self preservation.
YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING, please don't let a narcissist define you.
xx

Anna

Darwinia, I am also a product of a narcissistic mother and I have/had all the same attributes that you do. What really was a huge aha moment for me was understanding that none of what happened was about me, none of it. It was all about her. I was simply a vessel. I tried confronting my mother years ago and I became so frustrated by her dismissive attitude that it made things worse. She was never going to change. And, she was never going to understand my feelings. The fact was, she never even really 'saw' me. My suggestion is to let it go. Journal about it, maybe consider therapy, but know for certain YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Dee74

Hi Darwinia

I learned that my parents are not even aware they did wrong. Then I learned they utterly reject the idea.

I removed myself from them for a while - I only communicated by phone for a couple of years...

when I did go back into closer contact there was a slight but welcome change - I seem to be treated with more respect now.

I'm glad I got back in contact because mny mothers been ill recently and I'm glad I have some kind of closure and serenity on the whole issue.

Like Anna I've learned that none of that was about me..I let it go and embraced my 'chosen family'

D

MacW

I think you just need to let it go.

There comes a time in your life, as you get older, when you realize some things that have shaped you, are never going to be resolved. But by then you have the maturity to recognize them for what they are, and step over them, moving on.

I had a pretty nasty childhood, and it has definitely shaped me in to who I am today at the age of 49. But I embraced that childhood a long time ago. Good or bad, it made me the person I am today. A person that when I am sober, people say is a really nice guy.

What I am trying to say is, these kinds of things shape you yes, but you don't need to let them drive you.

I had an epiphany about this kind of thing about 20 years ago, when my first wife and I separated. She suffered from depression, among other things. Always looking to be "fixed" by whichever doctor/therapy/safehouse/whatever she was in to at the time. But she never really wanted to be "fixed", she would have had to give up her get out of jail free card. The usual excuse of "I did it because I am a **** up". She blamed her family and childhood for all of her problems, even though she had a terrific family and a pretty easy childhood. In reality, her illness had become her first line of defense. She couldn't let it go. She is still exactly the same today, 20 year later. Still blaming everyone, still looking to be "fixed".

sugarbear1

Are you my sister?

My mom was like this, too. Sadly, she passed in May. Luckily we had (as best as we could) amended our relationship before she passed. I strongly suggest you work on your side of the relationship and learn to love her.

You will miss her when she's gone (I didn't think I would, but I do, I really do). I learned a lot about my mom after she passed and realized some things she had taught me, a bit late, but I "got it." Yeah, she was self-involved, but that was her. I miss her today.

Narcissist or not, she's your mom. We only have one.

With love and hugs to you,
~SB who got sober at age 50 and now has 5 years sobriety.