Take 5 (My Tipping Point)
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: NYC
Posts: 7
Take 5 (My Tipping Point)
I should start by sharing that I have been attending AA on/off since November 2013. Since then I started a career in a new state, with the hopes of maintaining a sober, or relatively sober lifestyle. Once thing I took from those initial meetings was that, no one has a unique addiction.
Since my freshman year of college, I was drinking heavily. My behavior was always ridiculous, and spent many mornings regretting my behavior. Around my junior year of college, I was blacking out regularly, and by my senior year, I would consider it a "successful" night if I remembered the whole night. By the time I left college, I alienated many of my friends by my behavior. I spent the next few years living at my mom's place, and minus a few embarrassing incidents, stayed away from drinking. Since freshman year, I had always been aware that drinking will cause me nothing but unnecessary and avoidable problems.
Fast forward to grad school... around my second year I started to regularly drink. Living in a new state combined with low self-confidence and shyness, made me very lonely. I would supplement this by going out and drinking my self stupid, so maybe I could have the confidence to maintain small talk without being awkward. Every weekend, I would put myself out there, at a bar or show, hoping to talk with someone, but it was difficult to just go up to someone an talk. So I drank... to the point that even if I did talk with someone, chances are I wouldn't remember. Women became even more intimidating. So I drank more, hoping maybe I could gain some confidence... but usually I would get too wasted and convince myself I could get wasted next week and talk with someone then. I left to move back to my home state, shaken by my behavior but determined to let that part of my life go.
That first year, I drank moderately, but maintained decent judgement. While I wasn't happy living where I was, it was probably one of the more controlled periods in my life. The following year I moved back home. At this stage, I became more emotionally unstable and began experimenting with cocaine on a few occasions. The first time I coke, I was disgusted with myself. The next day, I found the nearest AA, and attended the meeting. I promised God I wouldn't do this again. I was scarred and determined never to drink again. This lasted for about a few weeks. I didn't go too overboard for a while, but ended up dating a girl with like to go to the bar. We both lived with our parents, and intimacy was kept at a minimum. So we stayed at the bar all night. At this point, I started to drink very heavily. This is when I remember just ordering drink after drink. It wasn't every night, but it happened enough. I wasn't happy with my life, needed to move, and so this relationship ended. My binge drinking only worsened. I was almost arrested for a DUI twice, acting belligerent when drinking, and just being miserable and angry. I attended AA meeting a few times, usually within a period when I felt guilty for something I did. At the point when I stopped caring about my behavior, I went back to drinking. Its not like I was drinking everyday, right? Eventually, I found a job out of state... ready to start over.
The first few months were fine. I was ecstatic to finally live somewhere new and exciting! I even went out for a few drinks... that's all I needed. I was happy. Than I found my dive bar. I'd go once or twice a week, again, its not like I was drinking every night. Met some friends. This bar had regulars. I even made some friends. Cocaine was also passed around... At which point, I knew what to expect when I went there. So what?... I just go there on Friday or Saturday, have a day to recover. With regulars, booze, drugs, came drama. I knew that this was a scene I needed to avoid. After all, doing a few bumps allowed drinking without blacking out. So I stopped.
I attended AA again. My insecurity and shyness got the best of me. The commute to the job, going to the gym... It was too much. I remember someone asking me, "do you think you'll ever have a drink again?". I knew that answer to that... I decided AA wasn't for me at this point. I can control this, and I only drink once or twice a week. I went back to drinking again, still blacking out on occasion. I knew other people who would have coke... and I regularly partook. By the new year drinking and cocaine became synonymous. While I still hadn't become a regular user, it was certainly something to expect... and I finally found a way to control my behavior when drinking. In the back of my mind, this was something that couldn't last forever.
After new years, I had a rough combination of tequila and coke. Blacked out (who would've thunk!), kicked out of a bar, and ended up with someone I promised myself I should never go back to (this would become regular behavior by the next year). The result this regular, recreational combination erased any and all reservations... and I loved the feeling of that freedom. I was so shy and quiet, and this is the person I wanted to become!
I made it a point to start over the next year. Found a girlfriend, and had a regular relationship. Little to no drinking, since she doesn't drink. It was fun, but the honeymoon stage finally ended, and things became routine. Fridays were filled with bad television, and I needed more excitement. One day, I visited a friend... and we got high and drunk. I called another friend, and partied until 7 in the morning. I was partying all night. I met someone that night, who would not only be my lover, but partner in crime.
At first, it was exciting. I was with someone to keep me in control. Almost every time we went out, we would be high and drunk. Eventually I forgot how to drink. I was used to drinking while getting high, that I would never stop drinking. Then the unavoidable finally happened... After the second drink, I would crave blow. They became synonymous. It just had to happen. No explanation, just needed to happen. This was a weekly habit. I started to cheat... feel bad, promise to change, and go back. We broke up, got back together. We kept our weekly ritual of partying, BUT it was only one day a week.
Finally we invited others to "join" in. We went from getting little sleep to no sleep. Drinking and drug use lasted all morning. Unlike myself, they knew when to stop. I didn't have the ability to quit, when I went out, I drank. On a few occasions I could be fine with 3 drinks. I started a new job, hoping this new responsibility would allow me to curb my habits. This lasted a month.
At this point, I was trying to find ways to stay sober... but after this weekend cause X is going on. After that, I'm going to change. I'm going to be a better person, change things around... maybe look for a new job. This never happened. On a chance occasion, I met someone who was a regular meth user. Obviously, this is not something I want to get myself into, I've seen those "before/after" pics, I've watched intervention... but my compromised reasoning would bypass these valid concerns. I met up with this individual a few times, but would be disgusted with myself after. I've avoided it before, but now... its creeping into my regime... but only once a week.
Well, we are still together, I had voiced my concerns... but things hadn't improved the way I would like. On my birthday, I wanted to have a quiet evening. We were just going to watch a movie, get something to eat... but first we stopped to have two drinks. Well we decided maybe we should get something else to party with. We weren't going very crazy that night, but by the next day I realized that I will ALWAYS convince myself that drinking will lead to other drugs. Two weeks later, I wanted to explore by myself. **** IT! The first night, got drunk, bought a bag... smoked some meth, had some unfortunate intimate experiences, slept all the next day. Two days later (took three days off work following the weekend), four beers I had with a college friend lead to partying with a friend in one spot, than moving to another spot for meth, g, and blow.
Which brings me to now. I see myself using alcohol as an inhibitor toward introducing other substances into my weekly routine. From the very start, I never could control my behavior when drinking. As I reflect on my path toward sobriety, I see it comes from a lack of self-confidence, shyness, boredom, and depression. I have tried multiple times (before and after my experience with AA) to remain sober or control my drinking behavior. Details with my story are certainly cringeworthy, but this isn't important.
I am only writing this for myself. On a long walk today I decided that I need to write down how I got to this point... rationalizing is not enough. I consider this part of my recovery. I have also attended my first AA meeting in two years. One thing was clear when I left the meeting, this program will not work if I am not going to actively work with the program. I need to reevaulate much of my daily and personal life, and most importantly I NEED to stay away from drinking. It will only take ONE drink. I now acknowledge that I am a drug addict and if I continue, will end up loosing everything and possibly my life. I am still in regret of my behavior from a few days ago... and (as history has it) will find this as the easiest part of sobriety. The next few weeks are the hardest. One day at a time, and while I know that I should never drink, I am shooting for sobriety for at least one month. I have never stayed completely sober this long since I can remember. I know that I will reason to myself that I am not a drunk and drug addict, I only drink one or two times a week. As I learned, its not unique. I am not different from anyone else with this problem. I bought a calendar to hang in my room so I can cross off the days I am sober. Every day I need to be reminded, that this is the most important thing for myself and my future.
Thanks for reading... Ill write more, and update. Think it might help, cause it certainly cant hurt.
Since my freshman year of college, I was drinking heavily. My behavior was always ridiculous, and spent many mornings regretting my behavior. Around my junior year of college, I was blacking out regularly, and by my senior year, I would consider it a "successful" night if I remembered the whole night. By the time I left college, I alienated many of my friends by my behavior. I spent the next few years living at my mom's place, and minus a few embarrassing incidents, stayed away from drinking. Since freshman year, I had always been aware that drinking will cause me nothing but unnecessary and avoidable problems.
Fast forward to grad school... around my second year I started to regularly drink. Living in a new state combined with low self-confidence and shyness, made me very lonely. I would supplement this by going out and drinking my self stupid, so maybe I could have the confidence to maintain small talk without being awkward. Every weekend, I would put myself out there, at a bar or show, hoping to talk with someone, but it was difficult to just go up to someone an talk. So I drank... to the point that even if I did talk with someone, chances are I wouldn't remember. Women became even more intimidating. So I drank more, hoping maybe I could gain some confidence... but usually I would get too wasted and convince myself I could get wasted next week and talk with someone then. I left to move back to my home state, shaken by my behavior but determined to let that part of my life go.
That first year, I drank moderately, but maintained decent judgement. While I wasn't happy living where I was, it was probably one of the more controlled periods in my life. The following year I moved back home. At this stage, I became more emotionally unstable and began experimenting with cocaine on a few occasions. The first time I coke, I was disgusted with myself. The next day, I found the nearest AA, and attended the meeting. I promised God I wouldn't do this again. I was scarred and determined never to drink again. This lasted for about a few weeks. I didn't go too overboard for a while, but ended up dating a girl with like to go to the bar. We both lived with our parents, and intimacy was kept at a minimum. So we stayed at the bar all night. At this point, I started to drink very heavily. This is when I remember just ordering drink after drink. It wasn't every night, but it happened enough. I wasn't happy with my life, needed to move, and so this relationship ended. My binge drinking only worsened. I was almost arrested for a DUI twice, acting belligerent when drinking, and just being miserable and angry. I attended AA meeting a few times, usually within a period when I felt guilty for something I did. At the point when I stopped caring about my behavior, I went back to drinking. Its not like I was drinking everyday, right? Eventually, I found a job out of state... ready to start over.
The first few months were fine. I was ecstatic to finally live somewhere new and exciting! I even went out for a few drinks... that's all I needed. I was happy. Than I found my dive bar. I'd go once or twice a week, again, its not like I was drinking every night. Met some friends. This bar had regulars. I even made some friends. Cocaine was also passed around... At which point, I knew what to expect when I went there. So what?... I just go there on Friday or Saturday, have a day to recover. With regulars, booze, drugs, came drama. I knew that this was a scene I needed to avoid. After all, doing a few bumps allowed drinking without blacking out. So I stopped.
I attended AA again. My insecurity and shyness got the best of me. The commute to the job, going to the gym... It was too much. I remember someone asking me, "do you think you'll ever have a drink again?". I knew that answer to that... I decided AA wasn't for me at this point. I can control this, and I only drink once or twice a week. I went back to drinking again, still blacking out on occasion. I knew other people who would have coke... and I regularly partook. By the new year drinking and cocaine became synonymous. While I still hadn't become a regular user, it was certainly something to expect... and I finally found a way to control my behavior when drinking. In the back of my mind, this was something that couldn't last forever.
After new years, I had a rough combination of tequila and coke. Blacked out (who would've thunk!), kicked out of a bar, and ended up with someone I promised myself I should never go back to (this would become regular behavior by the next year). The result this regular, recreational combination erased any and all reservations... and I loved the feeling of that freedom. I was so shy and quiet, and this is the person I wanted to become!
I made it a point to start over the next year. Found a girlfriend, and had a regular relationship. Little to no drinking, since she doesn't drink. It was fun, but the honeymoon stage finally ended, and things became routine. Fridays were filled with bad television, and I needed more excitement. One day, I visited a friend... and we got high and drunk. I called another friend, and partied until 7 in the morning. I was partying all night. I met someone that night, who would not only be my lover, but partner in crime.
At first, it was exciting. I was with someone to keep me in control. Almost every time we went out, we would be high and drunk. Eventually I forgot how to drink. I was used to drinking while getting high, that I would never stop drinking. Then the unavoidable finally happened... After the second drink, I would crave blow. They became synonymous. It just had to happen. No explanation, just needed to happen. This was a weekly habit. I started to cheat... feel bad, promise to change, and go back. We broke up, got back together. We kept our weekly ritual of partying, BUT it was only one day a week.
Finally we invited others to "join" in. We went from getting little sleep to no sleep. Drinking and drug use lasted all morning. Unlike myself, they knew when to stop. I didn't have the ability to quit, when I went out, I drank. On a few occasions I could be fine with 3 drinks. I started a new job, hoping this new responsibility would allow me to curb my habits. This lasted a month.
At this point, I was trying to find ways to stay sober... but after this weekend cause X is going on. After that, I'm going to change. I'm going to be a better person, change things around... maybe look for a new job. This never happened. On a chance occasion, I met someone who was a regular meth user. Obviously, this is not something I want to get myself into, I've seen those "before/after" pics, I've watched intervention... but my compromised reasoning would bypass these valid concerns. I met up with this individual a few times, but would be disgusted with myself after. I've avoided it before, but now... its creeping into my regime... but only once a week.
Well, we are still together, I had voiced my concerns... but things hadn't improved the way I would like. On my birthday, I wanted to have a quiet evening. We were just going to watch a movie, get something to eat... but first we stopped to have two drinks. Well we decided maybe we should get something else to party with. We weren't going very crazy that night, but by the next day I realized that I will ALWAYS convince myself that drinking will lead to other drugs. Two weeks later, I wanted to explore by myself. **** IT! The first night, got drunk, bought a bag... smoked some meth, had some unfortunate intimate experiences, slept all the next day. Two days later (took three days off work following the weekend), four beers I had with a college friend lead to partying with a friend in one spot, than moving to another spot for meth, g, and blow.
Which brings me to now. I see myself using alcohol as an inhibitor toward introducing other substances into my weekly routine. From the very start, I never could control my behavior when drinking. As I reflect on my path toward sobriety, I see it comes from a lack of self-confidence, shyness, boredom, and depression. I have tried multiple times (before and after my experience with AA) to remain sober or control my drinking behavior. Details with my story are certainly cringeworthy, but this isn't important.
I am only writing this for myself. On a long walk today I decided that I need to write down how I got to this point... rationalizing is not enough. I consider this part of my recovery. I have also attended my first AA meeting in two years. One thing was clear when I left the meeting, this program will not work if I am not going to actively work with the program. I need to reevaulate much of my daily and personal life, and most importantly I NEED to stay away from drinking. It will only take ONE drink. I now acknowledge that I am a drug addict and if I continue, will end up loosing everything and possibly my life. I am still in regret of my behavior from a few days ago... and (as history has it) will find this as the easiest part of sobriety. The next few weeks are the hardest. One day at a time, and while I know that I should never drink, I am shooting for sobriety for at least one month. I have never stayed completely sober this long since I can remember. I know that I will reason to myself that I am not a drunk and drug addict, I only drink one or two times a week. As I learned, its not unique. I am not different from anyone else with this problem. I bought a calendar to hang in my room so I can cross off the days I am sober. Every day I need to be reminded, that this is the most important thing for myself and my future.
Thanks for reading... Ill write more, and update. Think it might help, cause it certainly cant hurt.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by leemcsealy 
I should start by sharing that I have been attending AA on/off since November 2013. Since then I started a career in a new state, with the hopes of maintaining a sober, or relatively sober lifestyle. Once thing I took from those initial meetings was that, no one has a unique addiction.
Since my freshman year of college, I was drinking heavily. My behavior was always ridiculous, and spent many mornings regretting my behavior. Around my junior year of college, I was blacking out regularly, and by my senior year, I would consider it a "successful" night if I remembered the whole night. By the time I left college, I alienated many of my friends by my behavior. I spent the next few years living at my mom's place, and minus a few embarrassing incidents, stayed away from drinking. Since freshman year, I had always been aware that drinking will cause me nothing but unnecessary and avoidable problems.
Fast forward to grad school... around my second year I started to regularly drink. Living in a new state combined with low self-confidence and shyness, made me very lonely. I would supplement this by going out and drinking my self stupid, so maybe I could have the confidence to maintain small talk without being awkward. Every weekend, I would put myself out there, at a bar or show, hoping to talk with someone, but it was difficult to just go up to someone an talk. So I drank... to the point that even if I did talk with someone, chances are I wouldn't remember. Women became even more intimidating. So I drank more, hoping maybe I could gain some confidence... but usually I would get too wasted and convince myself I could get wasted next week and talk with someone then. I left to move back to my home state, shaken by my behavior but determined to let that part of my life go.
That first year, I drank moderately, but maintained decent judgement. While I wasn't happy living where I was, it was probably one of the more controlled periods in my life. The following year I moved back home. At this stage, I became more emotionally unstable and began experimenting with cocaine on a few occasions. The first time I coke, I was disgusted with myself. The next day, I found the nearest AA, and attended the meeting. I promised God I wouldn't do this again. I was scarred and determined never to drink again. This lasted for about a few weeks. I didn't go too overboard for a while, but ended up dating a girl with like to go to the bar. We both lived with our parents, and intimacy was kept at a minimum. So we stayed at the bar all night. At this point, I started to drink very heavily. This is when I remember just ordering drink after drink. It wasn't every night, but it happened enough. I wasn't happy with my life, needed to move, and so this relationship ended. My binge drinking only worsened. I was almost arrested for a DUI twice, acting belligerent when drinking, and just being miserable and angry. I attended AA meeting a few times, usually within a period when I felt guilty for something I did. At the point when I stopped caring about my behavior, I went back to drinking. Its not like I was drinking everyday, right? Eventually, I found a job out of state... ready to start over.
The first few months were fine. I was ecstatic to finally live somewhere new and exciting! I even went out for a few drinks... that's all I needed. I was happy. Than I found my dive bar. I'd go once or twice a week, again, its not like I was drinking every night. Met some friends. This bar had regulars. I even made some friends. Cocaine was also passed around... At which point, I knew what to expect when I went there. So what?... I just go there on Friday or Saturday, have a day to recover. With regulars, booze, drugs, came drama. I knew that this was a scene I needed to avoid. After all, doing a few bumps allowed drinking without blacking out. So I stopped.
I attended AA again. My insecurity and shyness got the best of me. The commute to the job, going to the gym... It was too much. I remember someone asking me, "do you think you'll ever have a drink again?". I knew that answer to that... I decided AA wasn't for me at this point. I can control this, and I only drink once or twice a week. I went back to drinking again, still blacking out on occasion. I knew other people who would have coke... and I regularly partook. By the new year drinking and cocaine became synonymous. While I still hadn't become a regular user, it was certainly something to expect... and I finally found a way to control my behavior when drinking. In the back of my mind, this was something that couldn't last forever.
After new years, I had a rough combination of tequila and coke. Blacked out (who would've thunk!), kicked out of a bar, and ended up with someone I promised myself I should never go back to (this would become regular behavior by the next year). The result this regular, recreational combination erased any and all reservations... and I loved the feeling of that freedom. I was so shy and quiet, and this is the person I wanted to become!
I made it a point to start over the next year. Found a girlfriend, and had a regular relationship. Little to no drinking, since she doesn't drink. It was fun, but the honeymoon stage finally ended, and things became routine. Fridays were filled with bad television, and I needed more excitement. One day, I visited a friend... and we got high and drunk. I called another friend, and partied until 7 in the morning. I was partying all night. I met someone that night, who would not only be my lover, but partner in crime.
At first, it was exciting. I was with someone to keep me in control. Almost every time we went out, we would be high and drunk. Eventually I forgot how to drink. I was used to drinking while getting high, that I would never stop drinking. Then the unavoidable finally happened... After the second drink, I would crave blow. They became synonymous. It just had to happen. No explanation, just needed to happen. This was a weekly habit. I started to cheat... feel bad, promise to change, and go back. We broke up, got back together. We kept our weekly ritual of partying, BUT it was only one day a week.
Finally we invited others to "join" in. We went from getting little sleep to no sleep. Drinking and drug use lasted all morning. Unlike myself, they knew when to stop. I didn't have the ability to quit, when I went out, I drank. On a few occasions I could be fine with 3 drinks. I started a new job, hoping this new responsibility would allow me to curb my habits. This lasted a month.
At this point, I was trying to find ways to stay sober... but after this weekend cause X is going on. After that, I'm going to change. I'm going to be a better person, change things around... maybe look for a new job. This never happened. On a chance occasion, I met someone who was a regular meth user. Obviously, this is not something I want to get myself into, I've seen those "before/after" pics, I've watched intervention... but my compromised reasoning would bypass these valid concerns. I met up with this individual a few times, but would be disgusted with myself after. I've avoided it before, but now... its creeping into my regime... but only once a week.
Well, we are still together, I had voiced my concerns... but things hadn't improved the way I would like. On my birthday, I wanted to have a quiet evening. We were just going to watch a movie, get something to eat... but first we stopped to have two drinks. Well we decided maybe we should get something else to party with. We weren't going very crazy that night, but by the next day I realized that I will ALWAYS convince myself that drinking will lead to other drugs. Two weeks later, I wanted to explore by myself. **** IT! The first night, got drunk, bought a bag... smoked some meth, had some unfortunate intimate experiences, slept all the next day. Two days later (took three days off work following the weekend), four beers I had with a college friend lead to partying with a friend in one spot, than moving to another spot for meth, g, and blow.
Which brings me to now. I see myself using alcohol as an inhibitor toward introducing other substances into my weekly routine. From the very start, I never could control my behavior when drinking. As I reflect on my path toward sobriety, I see it comes from a lack of self-confidence, shyness, boredom, and depression. I have tried multiple times (before and after my experience with AA) to remain sober or control my drinking behavior. Details with my story are certainly cringeworthy, but this isn't important.
I am only writing this for myself. On a long walk today I decided that I need to write down how I got to this point... rationalizing is not enough. I consider this part of my recovery. I have also attended my first AA meeting in two years. One thing was clear when I left the meeting, this program will not work if I am not going to actively work with the program. I need to reevaulate much of my daily and personal life, and most importantly I NEED to stay away from drinking. It will only take ONE drink. I now acknowledge that I am a drug addict and if I continue, will end up loosing everything and possibly my life. I am still in regret of my behavior from a few days ago... and (as history has it) will find this as the easiest part of sobriety. The next few weeks are the hardest. One day at a time, and while I know that I should never drink, I am shooting for sobriety for at least one month. I have never stayed completely sober this long since I can remember. I know that I will reason to myself that I am not a drunk and drug addict, I only drink one or two times a week. As I learned, its not unique. I am not different from anyone else with this problem. I bought a calendar to hang in my room so I can cross off the days I am sober. Every day I need to be reminded, that this is the most important thing for myself and my future.
Thanks for reading... Ill write more, and update. Think it might help, cause it certainly cant hurt.
Since my freshman year of college, I was drinking heavily. My behavior was always ridiculous, and spent many mornings regretting my behavior. Around my junior year of college, I was blacking out regularly, and by my senior year, I would consider it a "successful" night if I remembered the whole night. By the time I left college, I alienated many of my friends by my behavior. I spent the next few years living at my mom's place, and minus a few embarrassing incidents, stayed away from drinking. Since freshman year, I had always been aware that drinking will cause me nothing but unnecessary and avoidable problems.
Fast forward to grad school... around my second year I started to regularly drink. Living in a new state combined with low self-confidence and shyness, made me very lonely. I would supplement this by going out and drinking my self stupid, so maybe I could have the confidence to maintain small talk without being awkward. Every weekend, I would put myself out there, at a bar or show, hoping to talk with someone, but it was difficult to just go up to someone an talk. So I drank... to the point that even if I did talk with someone, chances are I wouldn't remember. Women became even more intimidating. So I drank more, hoping maybe I could gain some confidence... but usually I would get too wasted and convince myself I could get wasted next week and talk with someone then. I left to move back to my home state, shaken by my behavior but determined to let that part of my life go.
That first year, I drank moderately, but maintained decent judgement. While I wasn't happy living where I was, it was probably one of the more controlled periods in my life. The following year I moved back home. At this stage, I became more emotionally unstable and began experimenting with cocaine on a few occasions. The first time I coke, I was disgusted with myself. The next day, I found the nearest AA, and attended the meeting. I promised God I wouldn't do this again. I was scarred and determined never to drink again. This lasted for about a few weeks. I didn't go too overboard for a while, but ended up dating a girl with like to go to the bar. We both lived with our parents, and intimacy was kept at a minimum. So we stayed at the bar all night. At this point, I started to drink very heavily. This is when I remember just ordering drink after drink. It wasn't every night, but it happened enough. I wasn't happy with my life, needed to move, and so this relationship ended. My binge drinking only worsened. I was almost arrested for a DUI twice, acting belligerent when drinking, and just being miserable and angry. I attended AA meeting a few times, usually within a period when I felt guilty for something I did. At the point when I stopped caring about my behavior, I went back to drinking. Its not like I was drinking everyday, right? Eventually, I found a job out of state... ready to start over.
The first few months were fine. I was ecstatic to finally live somewhere new and exciting! I even went out for a few drinks... that's all I needed. I was happy. Than I found my dive bar. I'd go once or twice a week, again, its not like I was drinking every night. Met some friends. This bar had regulars. I even made some friends. Cocaine was also passed around... At which point, I knew what to expect when I went there. So what?... I just go there on Friday or Saturday, have a day to recover. With regulars, booze, drugs, came drama. I knew that this was a scene I needed to avoid. After all, doing a few bumps allowed drinking without blacking out. So I stopped.
I attended AA again. My insecurity and shyness got the best of me. The commute to the job, going to the gym... It was too much. I remember someone asking me, "do you think you'll ever have a drink again?". I knew that answer to that... I decided AA wasn't for me at this point. I can control this, and I only drink once or twice a week. I went back to drinking again, still blacking out on occasion. I knew other people who would have coke... and I regularly partook. By the new year drinking and cocaine became synonymous. While I still hadn't become a regular user, it was certainly something to expect... and I finally found a way to control my behavior when drinking. In the back of my mind, this was something that couldn't last forever.
After new years, I had a rough combination of tequila and coke. Blacked out (who would've thunk!), kicked out of a bar, and ended up with someone I promised myself I should never go back to (this would become regular behavior by the next year). The result this regular, recreational combination erased any and all reservations... and I loved the feeling of that freedom. I was so shy and quiet, and this is the person I wanted to become!
I made it a point to start over the next year. Found a girlfriend, and had a regular relationship. Little to no drinking, since she doesn't drink. It was fun, but the honeymoon stage finally ended, and things became routine. Fridays were filled with bad television, and I needed more excitement. One day, I visited a friend... and we got high and drunk. I called another friend, and partied until 7 in the morning. I was partying all night. I met someone that night, who would not only be my lover, but partner in crime.
At first, it was exciting. I was with someone to keep me in control. Almost every time we went out, we would be high and drunk. Eventually I forgot how to drink. I was used to drinking while getting high, that I would never stop drinking. Then the unavoidable finally happened... After the second drink, I would crave blow. They became synonymous. It just had to happen. No explanation, just needed to happen. This was a weekly habit. I started to cheat... feel bad, promise to change, and go back. We broke up, got back together. We kept our weekly ritual of partying, BUT it was only one day a week.
Finally we invited others to "join" in. We went from getting little sleep to no sleep. Drinking and drug use lasted all morning. Unlike myself, they knew when to stop. I didn't have the ability to quit, when I went out, I drank. On a few occasions I could be fine with 3 drinks. I started a new job, hoping this new responsibility would allow me to curb my habits. This lasted a month.
At this point, I was trying to find ways to stay sober... but after this weekend cause X is going on. After that, I'm going to change. I'm going to be a better person, change things around... maybe look for a new job. This never happened. On a chance occasion, I met someone who was a regular meth user. Obviously, this is not something I want to get myself into, I've seen those "before/after" pics, I've watched intervention... but my compromised reasoning would bypass these valid concerns. I met up with this individual a few times, but would be disgusted with myself after. I've avoided it before, but now... its creeping into my regime... but only once a week.
Well, we are still together, I had voiced my concerns... but things hadn't improved the way I would like. On my birthday, I wanted to have a quiet evening. We were just going to watch a movie, get something to eat... but first we stopped to have two drinks. Well we decided maybe we should get something else to party with. We weren't going very crazy that night, but by the next day I realized that I will ALWAYS convince myself that drinking will lead to other drugs. Two weeks later, I wanted to explore by myself. **** IT! The first night, got drunk, bought a bag... smoked some meth, had some unfortunate intimate experiences, slept all the next day. Two days later (took three days off work following the weekend), four beers I had with a college friend lead to partying with a friend in one spot, than moving to another spot for meth, g, and blow.
Which brings me to now. I see myself using alcohol as an inhibitor toward introducing other substances into my weekly routine. From the very start, I never could control my behavior when drinking. As I reflect on my path toward sobriety, I see it comes from a lack of self-confidence, shyness, boredom, and depression. I have tried multiple times (before and after my experience with AA) to remain sober or control my drinking behavior. Details with my story are certainly cringeworthy, but this isn't important.
I am only writing this for myself. On a long walk today I decided that I need to write down how I got to this point... rationalizing is not enough. I consider this part of my recovery. I have also attended my first AA meeting in two years. One thing was clear when I left the meeting, this program will not work if I am not going to actively work with the program. I need to reevaulate much of my daily and personal life, and most importantly I NEED to stay away from drinking. It will only take ONE drink. I now acknowledge that I am a drug addict and if I continue, will end up loosing everything and possibly my life. I am still in regret of my behavior from a few days ago... and (as history has it) will find this as the easiest part of sobriety. The next few weeks are the hardest. One day at a time, and while I know that I should never drink, I am shooting for sobriety for at least one month. I have never stayed completely sober this long since I can remember. I know that I will reason to myself that I am not a drunk and drug addict, I only drink one or two times a week. As I learned, its not unique. I am not different from anyone else with this problem. I bought a calendar to hang in my room so I can cross off the days I am sober. Every day I need to be reminded, that this is the most important thing for myself and my future.
Thanks for reading... Ill write more, and update. Think it might help, cause it certainly cant hurt.
You may want to save this post to a blog....I lost all of my early posts once I went over 500 posts...
Sad...
Also....as my sobriety has lengthend, my anxiety is beginning to quell. I am finding myself less afraid of verbal sparring, interaction, aND confrontation......i used to hate it when I was a drunk.
I now look for opportunities to get the blood flowing...working out...driving faster than before...
When I don't have these chances...I feel almost dead inside. I feel like i want to ruin myself w booze again....it is the addiction aspect. The brain damage.
My brain is still adapting to being drug free.
Thanks for the post.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Littleton
Posts: 80
Your story is very similar to mine. College stress, then dating someone who didn't drink at all, happy at first, then... boredom. Then, break up and go off the chain. I started in on the blow too, I quit a couple months ago, the recovery sucked. I was drinking 1/5 of vodka a day easy, I'm a size 0 female :/ I hallucinated during my withdrawals and now sit here wondering WHY. Why did I do that to myself? It doesn't fix a bad or hurtful situation - makes it worse. Thank you for sharing your post
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Glad you found your way here, and back to AA. Just as you say, I had to find out the hard way that this program will not work if I am not going to actively work with the program. At first, HOW to do this seemed quite elusive to me. I saw people at meetings and knew what they did there, but as far as Life. And Living. I was actually quite shocked to find that they DO do those things described in the little Living Sober book. When they're in tip top performance sobriety anyway. Getting a sponsor and working the steps did (I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true) Change my life. And those promises have materialised. They sometimes drift off again when I slack on my program, but I know what I need to do to get it back now. I never thought that those promised would ever come true for me. Not for a moment.
I wish you all the best for your recovery.
As it says in the BB (p. 164)... ' abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit yiur faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We will be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of Happy Destiny.
May God bless you and keep you - until then.'
I wish you all the best for your recovery.
As it says in the BB (p. 164)... ' abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit yiur faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We will be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of Happy Destiny.
May God bless you and keep you - until then.'
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Thank you for the thoughtful post. You are obviously very intelligent and have good insight into your problem. Those are very positive things.
I am glad you found SR. I have received a lot of support and helpful advice from the good people here.
I hope you will post often and let us know how you are doing.
I am glad you found SR. I have received a lot of support and helpful advice from the good people here.
I hope you will post often and let us know how you are doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: NYC
Posts: 7
Thank you all for the feed back and reading my story 
)) ... got about 4 days, been attending AA everyday, and pretty sure I have myself a sponsor. Its nice knowing that I am taking control, and making the attempt to keep my life in check. At the same time, this has been a scary 4 days. When you focus on maintaining sobriety, you can't help to think of why this is necessary. I've been reflecting on the last 2 months of my alcohol and drug drug use, and how I have forgotten who I was... or more appropriately, wanting to forget in order to justify my insane behavior (I am very aware this was my reasoning). All I know now is that I can't go back to that same mindset... but right now, I am doing so by living in fear. While debilitating, I am hoping within the next few days I allow my to focus on the life around... reminding myself that these last actions were a necessary blip that opened myself to recovery. The fear shouldn't take over, but I need learn how to keep it in the background as a reminder. I was listening to a podcast yesterday that discussed how you can't personify your fear. This will all take time, but knowing my potential as a substance abuser will be instrumental for my overall well being.
I appreciate all the kind words... reading what you all write knows I am not alone, and we all are struggling equally.
)) ... got about 4 days, been attending AA everyday, and pretty sure I have myself a sponsor. Its nice knowing that I am taking control, and making the attempt to keep my life in check. At the same time, this has been a scary 4 days. When you focus on maintaining sobriety, you can't help to think of why this is necessary. I've been reflecting on the last 2 months of my alcohol and drug drug use, and how I have forgotten who I was... or more appropriately, wanting to forget in order to justify my insane behavior (I am very aware this was my reasoning). All I know now is that I can't go back to that same mindset... but right now, I am doing so by living in fear. While debilitating, I am hoping within the next few days I allow my to focus on the life around... reminding myself that these last actions were a necessary blip that opened myself to recovery. The fear shouldn't take over, but I need learn how to keep it in the background as a reminder. I was listening to a podcast yesterday that discussed how you can't personify your fear. This will all take time, but knowing my potential as a substance abuser will be instrumental for my overall well being.I appreciate all the kind words... reading what you all write knows I am not alone, and we all are struggling equally.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,351
None should love in fear lee, true, but it's pretty common in early recovery, particularly if you 'pushed the envelope' like I did.
I learned a better way to live - and a better motivation to stay sober... you will too
D
I learned a better way to live - and a better motivation to stay sober... you will too
D
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