Disapointed/Scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 59
Disapointed/Scared
I'm disappointed because I thought that by this time in my sobriety (two months) that things would somehow be so much better. After years and years of feeling like s**t mentally I had hoped that by cutting out alcohol completely my anxiety and depression and terrible thought process/memory would somehow all resolve. While it's better than it was in the beginning, I'm still feeling lost and broken.
I'm scared because while my wife says that she is not "in love" with me anymore she is willing to work on our marriage and go to counseling with me. She's not sure if her feelings for me will ever be what they were but she's willing to give it a shot because she still "loves me" and wants what is best for our 2-year-old daughter. I don't want to lose here but I also don't want to be in a loveless marriage with someone who feels otherwise trapped and obligated to do so. The pain from losing her love and all my past actions is at times overwhelming. I'm seeing a therapist and that is helpful but until she comes back home at the end of the month and we begin this (hopefully) healing process I fear I'm going to be stuck in this awful rut.
I'm scared because while my wife says that she is not "in love" with me anymore she is willing to work on our marriage and go to counseling with me. She's not sure if her feelings for me will ever be what they were but she's willing to give it a shot because she still "loves me" and wants what is best for our 2-year-old daughter. I don't want to lose here but I also don't want to be in a loveless marriage with someone who feels otherwise trapped and obligated to do so. The pain from losing her love and all my past actions is at times overwhelming. I'm seeing a therapist and that is helpful but until she comes back home at the end of the month and we begin this (hopefully) healing process I fear I'm going to be stuck in this awful rut.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I think you are looking at too many "what ifs", "could be", and "don't want". It might be better to take everything day by day- focus on today and only today and then ruts are easier to avoid. Gratitude lists are also helpful- you are two months sober, able to go to therapy, have a wife that is willing to go to counseling and work on your marriage when a lot of people do not have a spouse that is willing, and you even said you are slowly but surely improving.
Although we want things to get perfect over night, it just isn't the way our bodies and minds work. Do you have a recovery plan? Do you follow a recovery program? The more pro-active you are in your recovery the faster you will realize how much gains you are actually making.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
Although we want things to get perfect over night, it just isn't the way our bodies and minds work. Do you have a recovery plan? Do you follow a recovery program? The more pro-active you are in your recovery the faster you will realize how much gains you are actually making.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 387
I think I can relate in general. The anxiety of not knowing how something not in my complete control will turn out can freeze me. I end up doing nothing which feeds the dark side. I hear you.
It is tough. I've been trying to learn acceptance and patience independent from my drinking. It was painful, and often still is, but it has been worth the journey. I don't know what your journey might be, but in me you have one more person rooting for you.
All the best,
KP
It is tough. I've been trying to learn acceptance and patience independent from my drinking. It was painful, and often still is, but it has been worth the journey. I don't know what your journey might be, but in me you have one more person rooting for you.
All the best,
KP
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Hi THINman, it has taken me most of my first year sober to feel better all the way around, physically, mentally, spiritually.
I am half way through my second year and, while it is not all sunshine and roses, I feel more capable of working on my issues with clear vision.
Hang in there, it is so worth it
I am half way through my second year and, while it is not all sunshine and roses, I feel more capable of working on my issues with clear vision.
Hang in there, it is so worth it
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I'm sure you know that you can only influence your wife as long as you are sober and humble.
It took me a good year until my anxiety was completely gone - and I didn't have any big stressors during that year. It's just a long process. Hang on, keep working on your fears - keep reading everything on this site. There are lots of ways I helped myself: reading, posting here, reading anxiety medical literature, spiritual stuff, the Big Book of AA (available to read on AA.org), I went to meetings for a little while just for company, I exercised every day for one hour, ate well, slept as much as my body would let me - and I tried very hard to let go of anything over which I had no control, such as other peoples' actions and thoughts.
Stick with sobriety. It will be better than you can possibly imagine today.
It took me a good year until my anxiety was completely gone - and I didn't have any big stressors during that year. It's just a long process. Hang on, keep working on your fears - keep reading everything on this site. There are lots of ways I helped myself: reading, posting here, reading anxiety medical literature, spiritual stuff, the Big Book of AA (available to read on AA.org), I went to meetings for a little while just for company, I exercised every day for one hour, ate well, slept as much as my body would let me - and I tried very hard to let go of anything over which I had no control, such as other peoples' actions and thoughts.
Stick with sobriety. It will be better than you can possibly imagine today.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
As drinkers we want that instant gratification. When that booze hits our brain all in the world is right. At least for a little while. Unfortunately, life isn't like that. Life works on it's time not ours. 2 months sober is great. But in the grand scheme of things two months of your life is just a small fraction of your whole life. Give it time. You're already seeing the benefit and it does continue to get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 59
Thank you all, so much, for the encouraging words and advice. Yes, at times the fear and apprehension can be paralyzing, but I've found that staying still is absolutely the worst thing that I can do. I figure that if I'm going to be in pain, I might as well accomplish something while I'm at it. I know that it's relatively early in my sobriety, but getting my mind back online is going to be critical for me going forward. I would seriously almost trade missing a limb for having all of my faculties back right now.
But focusing on the positives - what I do have instead of what I don't - is really the only way to go. I want the reassurance of "everything is going to be ok" so badly (the instant gratification desire of an addict) that it often obscures what concrete blessings I really do have.
But focusing on the positives - what I do have instead of what I don't - is really the only way to go. I want the reassurance of "everything is going to be ok" so badly (the instant gratification desire of an addict) that it often obscures what concrete blessings I really do have.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 44
I feel so badly for you. I have been married for 27 years and I've been an alcoholic for most of it. My husband has stuck with me the entire time through the ups and downs and we are still strong. I went to outpatient rehab in 2013 and for the first time in my life, they made me realize that this disease does not just affect me. It affects all the people in my life in one way or another. My kids have to put up with my mood swings even on the day after I've been drinking when I'm moody and easily agitated. My husband has to put up with the financial burden it puts on our family budget as well as the aforementioned mood swings and lack of intimacy because I'm either too drunk or disinterested.
I continue to fight this battle right along with you. I've had weeks, even months of sobriety and then let it all go only to wake up and try again.
These are all reasons for you to stay strong, stay focused and committed to your sobriety and get the most you possibly can out of the therapy with your wife. Part of it is that she doesn't fully believe you can kick the drinking problem. You have to prove to her that you can and she can trust you again.
Keep coming here and we will all help you through. Best wishes.
I continue to fight this battle right along with you. I've had weeks, even months of sobriety and then let it all go only to wake up and try again.
These are all reasons for you to stay strong, stay focused and committed to your sobriety and get the most you possibly can out of the therapy with your wife. Part of it is that she doesn't fully believe you can kick the drinking problem. You have to prove to her that you can and she can trust you again.
Keep coming here and we will all help you through. Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 44
"I think you are looking at too many "what ifs", "could be", and "don't want". It might be better to take everything day by day- focus on today and only today and then ruts are easier to avoid. Gratitude lists are also helpful- you are two months sober, able to go to therapy, have a wife that is willing to go to counseling and work on your marriage when a lot of people do not have a spouse that is willing, and you even said you are slowly but surely improving.
Although we want things to get perfect over night, it just isn't the way our bodies and minds work. Do you have a recovery plan? Do you follow a recovery program? The more pro-active you are in your recovery the faster you will realize how much gains you are actually making.
YOU CAN DO THIS!"
Wow, this is great advice for all of us. Thanks!
Although we want things to get perfect over night, it just isn't the way our bodies and minds work. Do you have a recovery plan? Do you follow a recovery program? The more pro-active you are in your recovery the faster you will realize how much gains you are actually making.
YOU CAN DO THIS!"
Wow, this is great advice for all of us. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sorry you are going through this right now, ThinMan. It's alot to deal with...
Re-building trust can be a slow process...weeks, months, years. HOW does a person dot that? But staying sober EACH and EVERY day. But, it's not only that, it's dealing with your stuff; your issues. Many can quit drinking and claim sobriety for "X" number of days....BUT, how many can say they've really dealt with their issues?
AlAnon often encourages one to "Keep the focus on yourself and work on your OWN issues".
If you stop and think about it, that formula is win-win for BOTH sides and whoever else is involved, especially the kids. So, that saying is not just for folks in AlAnon. It should really be for everyone.
I don't know if you've already shared whether or not you had any pre-existing anxiety before drinking. If so, that anxiety will not just GO AWAY because you have stopped alcohol.
Awesome that you have a therapist!! I back you up on that 100%
You can do this, friend, no matter what, ya gotta be happy, man. If you ain't happy, you ain't happy. Sometimes anxiety is also based in roots of just not feeling quite "good" about stuff; unsettled or maybe just can't put your finger on it. Really "listen" to yourself and body when you feel anxious. What is it "telling" you?
Re-building trust can be a slow process...weeks, months, years. HOW does a person dot that? But staying sober EACH and EVERY day. But, it's not only that, it's dealing with your stuff; your issues. Many can quit drinking and claim sobriety for "X" number of days....BUT, how many can say they've really dealt with their issues?
AlAnon often encourages one to "Keep the focus on yourself and work on your OWN issues".
If you stop and think about it, that formula is win-win for BOTH sides and whoever else is involved, especially the kids. So, that saying is not just for folks in AlAnon. It should really be for everyone.
I don't know if you've already shared whether or not you had any pre-existing anxiety before drinking. If so, that anxiety will not just GO AWAY because you have stopped alcohol.
Awesome that you have a therapist!! I back you up on that 100%
You can do this, friend, no matter what, ya gotta be happy, man. If you ain't happy, you ain't happy. Sometimes anxiety is also based in roots of just not feeling quite "good" about stuff; unsettled or maybe just can't put your finger on it. Really "listen" to yourself and body when you feel anxious. What is it "telling" you?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Another thing to think about:
You are not just dealing with being new to sobriety and how difficult that can be...you are ALSO dealing with feeling the loss of love from your wife. AND you are dealing with your anxiety, which I don't know if you had it BEFORE drinking....anyways, something to explore with your therapist, for sure....
Here's something else to think about: Marriages do not always have that feeling of being "in love". Time can takes its toll, LIFE HAPPENS, and before you know it, you can end up looking at each other and you are simply not seeing the person you fell in love with. But with some work of both of your parts, and counseling, the love you need can return. So, don't give up!
It also sounds like you may be needing to deal with guilt you have from your past actions/inactions. That's a toughie. I think we've all been there. There will come a time with you will forgive yourself and that will be a joyful day when you can let go of the guilt(it can really drag you down.)
You are not just dealing with being new to sobriety and how difficult that can be...you are ALSO dealing with feeling the loss of love from your wife. AND you are dealing with your anxiety, which I don't know if you had it BEFORE drinking....anyways, something to explore with your therapist, for sure....
Here's something else to think about: Marriages do not always have that feeling of being "in love". Time can takes its toll, LIFE HAPPENS, and before you know it, you can end up looking at each other and you are simply not seeing the person you fell in love with. But with some work of both of your parts, and counseling, the love you need can return. So, don't give up!
It also sounds like you may be needing to deal with guilt you have from your past actions/inactions. That's a toughie. I think we've all been there. There will come a time with you will forgive yourself and that will be a joyful day when you can let go of the guilt(it can really drag you down.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 59
Yeah, teatreeoil007, I had a good deal of anxiety/depression issues waaaay before any of this stuff. I've been dealing with it my whole life, basically. Alcohol and/or drugs were just a very quick and easy way for me to push things to the side and buy myself some peace of mind without actually fixing the root cause of any of it. I have a lot on my plate right now, true, and it's really, really weighing on me (obviously). I'm hoping with all my heart that we can get through this with me remaining sober, good communication and counseling.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hmmm. Ok-so the reality is you preexisting anxiety compounded with early sob. anxiety... Man that's tough... Hang tough and- it is well with your soul underneath all that other stuff. Junk. Whatever you call it... It'll be ok
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi theTHINman 
Like others have said it's easy to jump ahead mentally and get overwhelmed by fears and thoughts of where you should be.
If you're like me, you drank for years.
It's going to take a little time for your mind and body to heal.
I drank so hard for so long it was at least 3 months before I noticed that I was thinking in different, more healthy, ways.
It also took me a long time to clean up the mess I'd left as a 20 year drinker too...like Bim much of my first year and a little of my second was taken up with that.
I'm not saying that to discourage you. I look back now and I marvel how short the process was.
With regards your relationship I think it's a good sign your wife still wants to work on things.
It may seem like a lifetime to you, but for your wife it's probably only been been eight weeks...
We don't get to set the healing timetable for others, or the timetable for trust to return.
Although that's hard to sit with sometimes, we simply have no power over that partner's healing process.
All we can do is keep doing the right things.
Try and be patient - and have faith everything will turn out as it should
D
Like others have said it's easy to jump ahead mentally and get overwhelmed by fears and thoughts of where you should be.
If you're like me, you drank for years.
It's going to take a little time for your mind and body to heal.
I drank so hard for so long it was at least 3 months before I noticed that I was thinking in different, more healthy, ways.
It also took me a long time to clean up the mess I'd left as a 20 year drinker too...like Bim much of my first year and a little of my second was taken up with that.
I'm not saying that to discourage you. I look back now and I marvel how short the process was.
With regards your relationship I think it's a good sign your wife still wants to work on things.
It may seem like a lifetime to you, but for your wife it's probably only been been eight weeks...
We don't get to set the healing timetable for others, or the timetable for trust to return.
Although that's hard to sit with sometimes, we simply have no power over that partner's healing process.
All we can do is keep doing the right things.
Try and be patient - and have faith everything will turn out as it should
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Hi THINman. I felt as you do in the early months. I drank 30 yrs & had counted on it to see me through every situation. I had to learn how to live in a different way, without my buffer. I was angry & resentful in the beginning. Around the third month I began to really enjoy being free of it & stopped hanging my head in shame over all I'd done. You will rise above this confusing and challenging time. Never give up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Anxiety/Depression/Both?
Okay, let's talk about this anxiety thing.
My inkling is that you may have started drinking heavily to cope with your anxiety. And, for a few hours, sure, it can make a person feel less anxious. We don't judge ya for any of that or for whatever reason you drank. But, the drinking actually DOES SOMETHING in the brain...it changes our neurotransmitters around and it ends up increasing anxiety.
I drank to deal with depression and insomnia. In the end, it made BOTH worse. What I could never figure out is if the insomnia caused the depression or the depression caused the insomnia. No Dr. or counselor I've talked with so far doesn't know either. They've told me that it's probably a little of both, which I kind of knew anyways. I just don't know which one came first for sure...I kind of think the insomnia came first.
Something else to think about, anyhow.....depression can manifest as anxiety, too. It's this feeling that things are just not right in your world and it makes you feel anxious.
STRESS is a big contributor to MANY things...including using/drinking.
If you're not stressed right now, I'd be surprised. You got the wife you're worried about, the little girl you're worried about and if I know a lot of Dad's, their little girls are somethin' special that ain't got no word to describe it. Dad's go INSANE over their little girls. Just the way it is, friend.
Don't do that. You might feel like you're goin' crazy right about now and we've all been there, we know. You got to keep focusing on you....and don't let nobody bring you down farther than you already are! Focus on you....get at them issues's that's troublin' you....they'll come back to haunt you is you don't. I don't mean to scare you. I'd help almost anyone be spared from what sorrow I've gone through myself, so this is just a little experience of mine talkin' right now.
Take what you need, leave the rest.
My inkling is that you may have started drinking heavily to cope with your anxiety. And, for a few hours, sure, it can make a person feel less anxious. We don't judge ya for any of that or for whatever reason you drank. But, the drinking actually DOES SOMETHING in the brain...it changes our neurotransmitters around and it ends up increasing anxiety.
I drank to deal with depression and insomnia. In the end, it made BOTH worse. What I could never figure out is if the insomnia caused the depression or the depression caused the insomnia. No Dr. or counselor I've talked with so far doesn't know either. They've told me that it's probably a little of both, which I kind of knew anyways. I just don't know which one came first for sure...I kind of think the insomnia came first.
Something else to think about, anyhow.....depression can manifest as anxiety, too. It's this feeling that things are just not right in your world and it makes you feel anxious.
STRESS is a big contributor to MANY things...including using/drinking.
If you're not stressed right now, I'd be surprised. You got the wife you're worried about, the little girl you're worried about and if I know a lot of Dad's, their little girls are somethin' special that ain't got no word to describe it. Dad's go INSANE over their little girls. Just the way it is, friend.
Don't do that. You might feel like you're goin' crazy right about now and we've all been there, we know. You got to keep focusing on you....and don't let nobody bring you down farther than you already are! Focus on you....get at them issues's that's troublin' you....they'll come back to haunt you is you don't. I don't mean to scare you. I'd help almost anyone be spared from what sorrow I've gone through myself, so this is just a little experience of mine talkin' right now.
Take what you need, leave the rest.
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