The Wasted Days. The Wasted Years.
 

Now let me start right out with a disclaimer:

I am a glass-half-full guy. I am a guy who believes in the power of the positive. I don't spend time wallowing in regrets. I find that the best way forward on the spectrum from despair-to-joy is to rigorously focus on gratitude and seeing the best in things.

Despite all that - I am human.

And so it was that last night as I did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen after putting my girls to bed after we'd gone raspberry picking - that I was hit with a spontaneous review of Things Thrown Away.

I don't really know what triggered it. But there I was, rapid-fire rewinding through events, scenes, days, hours, even full years that I spent doing drugs heavily, drinking heavily, being near-constantly stoned.

I have a nice life and a lot to be thankful for. I embraced sobriety before alcohol took absolutely everything. I stopped the ride down well before the successive bottoms that would have come had I continued.

Yet, still, I threw away thousands of precious moments out of my head on substances. And I felt regret for that. Or maybe more accurately; I felt deep grief. Sure, I still lived those times. But many of them are hazy at best. Much of my own life is lost in shadows of obliterated memories. Orphaned somewhere in my cross-wired brain, addled from all the years of abuse. Oh, I'm a sharp enough guy. I'm OK as it pertains to thinking and feeling and even some memories. Yet there are vast swaths of my own life that I simply don't recall. That's scary, and it speaks to how much I really did sacrifice. Even today, over two years sober, I find that my memory is impacted. I have a very hard time remembering people. Names. Faces. Even people I've met multiple times. I have trouble recalling what I did on what day... sequences of events.... details of the picture sometimes elude me.

I think all of this, again, is down to the abuse I dealt to my own brain, through my own choice to use substances excessively. I don't know if that will ever heal. Maybe my brain is perma-wired that way.

I'm so glad that I chose to stop that. I don't have to feel that grief, that loss in an ongoing way anymore. But I thought it was worth mentioning. Worth sharing.

Along our journey of sobriety we will at times face the reality of what we did to ourselves in the past. We won't be able to change it. Only how we feel about it and how we choose to react to it.

I feel pretty glum about the lost moments that should have been cherished. I will focus on the ones I DID cherish and on the journey itself that led me to sobriety and a new understanding. And I will react to it by sharing with you, with meeting friends, with sponsors. I will react to it by recognizing it for what it is - NOT by letting it lead me back to alcohol.

Happy Sober Tuesday everyone.

"Yet, still, I threw away thousands of precious moments out of my head on substances. And I felt regret for that. Or maybe more accurately; I felt deep grief. Sure, I still lived those times. But many of them are hazy at best. Much of my own life is lost in shadows of obliterated memories. Orphaned somewhere in my cross-wired brain, addled from all the years of abuse."

This made me cry just now at my desk at work. 608 days sober, and the pink cloud is long gone. Most of the time I can live in the moment, but some days are full of remorse and sadness. Grief. I've been struggling with it especially in the past week or so. As I dig deeper into the past, and what made me tick, I uncover things that hurt to remember. I know the process will be worth it, and that I need to face and feel these emotions, but it's not fun.

So much wasted time. So much destruction of myself and others. BUT - I'm sober, and will not repeat past behaviors. Something to truly be grateful for.

keep doing the work, doing the digging, doing the healing and accepting.

It's a process and it is worth it!

congrats on 608 days!!

This Sanskrit proverb, the epigraph of the book 24 Hours a Day has much wisdom for me as I hit speed bumps from the past. Most of those are my ego thinking somehow "things" could have been different.

For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today, well-lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope

Just woke from a nap...getting ready to hit a meeting to check out my people and learn some stuff....then the gym to work fitness...

....if i wasn't a drunk....i might have got hit by a bus.....

My past is gone....I live in the now...

An important part of my recovery has been forgiving myself. I never forget, but I had to forgive.

My inner addict can use regret as much as it can any other emotions.

D

FreeOwl - that was just beautifully written, & I shed a tear like MLD. I've had those same thoughts - how insensitive we'd be if we didn't. I don't let them devastate me the way they once did, but I was going through some old pictures yesterday & the regrets/memories came flooding back. For me, there are things I needed to be aware of, things I should have handled with a clear head instead of being numb. I'm not sure what we do with these regrets. They need to be acknowledged, but not dwelled on. Thank you for your thoughts, they are valued.

Sounds like a great reason to stay sober. It's also one of mine. Don't want to miss out on any more. Tired of waking up and not remembering half the previous evening. Happy Sober Tuesday.

Thank you FreeOwl. So often, it's as if you've crawled into my head and written down exactly how I feel. I have so much appreciation for your posts.

Happy Sober Tuesday!

I dig it. And I mostly feel an awful lot like exactly this. Sometimes, an upwelling hits me.... for how "things" could have been different.

Thank you.

Thanks for yours, as well....

And as for what we do with these regrets, these occasional floods of grief; I think the best thing we can do is simply acknowledge them. Maybe share them. Then re-focus on Today, on the person we've become because of our journey, on the Gratitude for all we have and are and give and love.....

And then continue on, living, loving, growing....

:)

Add me to the list of those who cried. I definitely share many of the same feelings. I am very grateful for the past seven months of sobriety, and look forward to many years of sober memories.

Thank you for sharing this post!!

I feel the same way Free Owl does sometimes.

The best I can do is hold onto -- sometimes desperately cling to -- the sentiments Fly N Buy describes. It helps.

Old pictures of the kids really make me regret the past,I had no business carrying on drinking like I did,I was supposed to be a mom first,not that mess,luckily we get along good now it could've turned out really bad but still yaknow?

I'm a big tuff guy free owl. Your not going to make me cry😢...awesome post my friend

You have a gift beyond words in your children. The past is past but make sure the future is filled with happiness and no regrets. Be fully engaged with the life you have be granted and thank God for gifts you have received

I was dealing with similar thoughts and emotions today FreeOwl. I'm thankful that I have stopped now though and I at least have the rest of my life to enjoy. It could have been so much worse. Many people never "wake up" as we have and lose everything.

It's moments like these that we can be thankful and grateful for, keeping us safe on our true path.