Change4good

My mom is an alcoholic. I am in recovery. We went to see her two weeks ago with the kids, and she kept saying, "I don't drink alone. I am glad you are here. Let's go out to dinner so I can have a cocktail."

We did, and she drank a lot a dinner. Then was pretty ugly when we got home. Asked my husband to open a bottle of wine when we returned from dinner.

On our fourth day there, I drank with her. She made me a drink, and I threw it up off the porch. She fixed me another one, which I drank. I got drunk.

I love her, but I don't know how to maintain sobriety when we visit. I want to tell her how badly it hurts. I want to tell her that even though she "doesn't want to drink alone," when no one else is drinking, and she is, that is drinking alone. When you prefer finishing a bottle of wine and saying, "Kiss the grandkids goodnight, I am going to stay on the porch" that is a problem.

I don't know how to proceed here. I need space from her, but don't know how to do that. She is all I have left. My twin and dad died from alcoholism. My children adore their grandmother, and again, I don't know how to handle this.

Dee74

Hi Change

My parents still ask me if I want a drink nearly ten years on...I just smile and say no thanks.

Neither of them are alcoholics, but I can see a wistful look in my Dad and I know he still misses his father son beer.

I can't help that. A nightly couple of beers for him was the start of a week or two bender for me.

I had to cut myself off from the alcoholics in my life, if only for a little while, just until I had to sober muscles to say no.

I think it applies to family too. There were other factors involved, but I didn't see my parents for a couple of years and only had phone communication, it was awkward but bridges are rebuilt now.

Yeah it's brutal but this is a brutal addiction. It will use love for your parents, or loved ones as easily as anything else.

If you don't think you can make your mom understand, or don;t think you can resist drinking with her, I'm not sure what other options you have.

D

Lightning Bug

I challenge you to think about what you are afraid of. Are you afraid that if you tell her no that she will reject you, ridicule you, put you down, not love you? Do you have a problem saying no to others (in all things, not just drinking?)

By not saying no to your mother you are giving her power over you. Let me ask you this and I hope you won't take offense, do you think you might have wanted a drink and by not setting up a boundary with her, allowed yourself to have one and then placed the blame on her?

I am only asking you to think about your motivations. Boundaries will protect your sobriety. Maybe until you can find the strength to say no, and mean it, you could keep your distance from her.

Try practicing saying no to other people for little things (tell your neighbor she can't borrow your cookie sheet, say no to cookies when your kids ask, say no to your spouse when he wants to fool around. By practicing you can build up to saying no to your mother.

fripfrop

Hi Change4good

It was me with the drink problem in our family, I was a single parent for most of my kids lives.
They are grown now, but when I was drinking, they made no bones about the fact that if I was around them...no drinking.
I didn't resent them, or love them any less for that, I accepted it, it was fair enough. It was me that was at fault with the drinking, not them asking me not to do it around them.
My kids don't even have problems with drink themselves, they just don't like being around me when I'm drinking. But if they did, and were in recovery, I would think that would be even more reason not to do it around them!
Maybe your mother will be more understanding than you imagine if you set boundries you are comfortable with around her?

Change4good

I really appreciate what everyone has offered.

Yes, there is a part of me that fears her rejection. It broke my heart when we came home, she asked my husband to open a bottle, and then said, "I think I love you" when he handed her a glass.

Like Dee, a couple of drinks starts a bender that takes time and pain to recover from. I am doing that piece now.

Thanks again everyone. I am working on the right words to say to her.

SoberCAH

Spending time with my alcoholic mother was challenging until she died a couple of years ago, particularly when I first got sober.

I would avoid her.

I used to tell my parents, when they would start drinking, that I was going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

That announcement usually had the same effect as expectorating in their drinks, but I did what I had to do.

Their drinking played a head game with me, especially since I did a considerable bit of drinking in the family house.

doggonecarl

There is obviously a lot of pressure to drink, a lot of family dynamics behind it. She can pressure you to drink, but she can't make you drink.

Only you can make you drink.

So figure out how you are going to say no, and how you are going to deal with this "rejection" or whatever else she'll guilt you with.

Bunny211

Oh tough!
I can somewhat relate.
My dad is a narcissist and I cannot be around him because of how he makes me feel. I go absolutely INSANE each time I spend any time with him. Enough is never enough, he wants more more more. He is an emotional vampire. He will tell me I don't love him and that I got sober and abandoned my family, that my brother is depressed and think I don't love him etc. None of it is true at all. It is very hard because my mom died when I was young and it has been hard on my Dad and he is the only parent I've got. But, I just cannot be around him. I come home and I will cry hysterically and fall into a deep pit of anxiety and depression because of the way he makes me feel. If I call him twice a week, why not 3? If I meet him for dinner twice a month, why not every week? It is cuz I don't love him he says. One day he will be dead and I will miss him and feel badly that I abandoned him etc. All things he says to me constantly. I just cannot take it. My sponsor said to me that if I continued to put myself through this weekly meltdown after dealing with my father that I would end up drinking. So I stay away and it is the HARDEST thing I've ever had to do. My father tries to derail my sobriety every chance he gets. It hurts me so much that others have supportive parents who want their kids to be sober and happy and my Dad is LIVID that I would DARE think about saving my own life and caring for myself rather than catering to his every need.

My advice is to stay away until you are emotionally capable of dealing with your mother. It may be a year from now, it may be 10 years from now. But right now you just cannot be with her as it is damaging your sobriety.

Change4good

Thank you, and yes. My mom lives in your city.

saoutchik

I think you have to be strong and refuse her demands that you drink with her Change4. This would not just be for yourself but for the sake of your children too.

Having lost a husband and a child to alcoholism it is pretty objectionable to be pressing alcohol on her remaining child.

Obviously she just has the same addiction as most of us on this thread but you can't let her alcoholism ruin your sobriety and your life

I hope that didn't come over as too harsh but I don't like to see one person being dragged down by another

oldsoul112249

Your mother seemed to be a trigger but you still made the decision to drink. I would look at that and the health of your sobriety. Triggers are everywhere but only partially to blame if we drink. This is just my own experience.

FarToGo

No answers but I feel for you, especially when you see your kids missing out.
I'm sure you've tried talking to her when she's sober? How do those conversations go?
Much love
xx

Dee74

Hi Change4Good

you had two threads on the same subject so I merged them.

D

Gottalife

All that is left of my mother is a seething pit of resentment floating in a pool of self pity and selfishness. My real mother is long gone, and what is left is nothing short of disgusting. I don't go near her, neither do my children. She is very fairminded, she hates the whole family, nearly 100 of us, equally. She is in end stage alcoholism and it is amazing she is still alive.

I don't need her alcoholism in my life, neither do my children. they have enough to deal with in terms of what genetic problems I might have passed on, without an active alcoholic making them sick as well.

Her drinking repels me. She would like nothing more than for me to fall off the wagon, not that she would want to share her drink with me. But it wil never happen.

I have found an effective 24/7 defence against the first drink which has rendered all such people completely powerless to make me drink. It is not a fellowship, a phone number, memory, will power,an inspirational book, or medication. It is a completely satisfying way of life, where drinking is simply redundant, not required.

Change4good

Your post was powerful. For all intents and purposes, my mother is good. A solid Nana. But when she drinks, we we all know, she isn't her best self.

I think what I am struggling with is that she doesn't appreciate my struggle. I am still working on how to have that crucial conversation with her. I thought about just ceasing contact, but that doesn't seem fair.

I am thankful you all are here. And Dee, thank you for merging the threads. I haven't slept much this past week, and was weary when I double posted.

Nonsensical

Fair warning is probably warranted first. Set boundaries and make them clear. I don't drink, and I don't like to be around you when you drink. If she can't adhere to the boundaries then it might be time to minimize contact.

Tough situation. Best of Luck with it!