Lightning Bug's Big Book of Accountability?
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
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Originally Posted by Soberwolf 
Good move Earth steps .. have you told your dr this as I think the accountability with a Dr is important but it's up to you hun x
I have a new doc app on the 20th. This doctor specializes in dual diagnosis addiction. I will be telling her everything. This doctor also does not prescribe any benzos at all so there is no chance of getting them. That is a relief for me.
Thanks Wolf.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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So I extended an olive branch to my siblings with the following email. It is long, raw and hopefully tells them enough so they understand my destruction, fall and rebirth as a sober person. Excuse any curses.
There was hope for me at the end of the dark tunnel I dug myself. Looking back now with a clear head and open heart I realize that I brought you all down into my tunnel and only offered you a one way access hatch to get as far away from me and the destruction I was causing as you could. I don't blame you for scrambling out of that hatch. I needed help desperately and the only one who could help me was me.
Today I am crawling back through the dirt and am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. My focus is in tune with that light, my way out is unencumbered, and I have cast away all enticing distractions. I went into my tunnel a broken human being full of anger, disappointment, hurt, and disillusionment at life and my place within it. I was not always like this, it took years of self harm and abuse to break me from the person I used to be. Early on I was content to self destruct by myself. Later on, I brought my family into it. Part of me was begging for help but that part was already buried in that dark tunnel and so when I was offered help, I refused it. I said I don't have a problem (lie), that I am not the problem but my husband is (lie) that I was in control (lie) and that I could handle it (lie). I pushed away everyone and everything. The worse it got the deeper my tunnel began to be. I had no hope for ever coming out. I gave up.
Every time I tried to stop my self destructive behavior or to change my negative thoughts I failed. It was all or nothing thinking - if I didn't change completely then I would die alone in my tunnel. I had long periods of non-use. I mistakenly thought because of that I was cured. But I was never cured, I was just taking a break. I didn't know what real recovery was, I just forced myself to attend a few meetings and then just give up on them. Every time the cycle repeated I just dug deeper in the dark and in doing that, lost pieces of my soul, my humanity, self respect and knowledge of right and wrong.
It is almost impossible to see the light when one is filled with self loathing. Nothing matters except self soothing the pain away until everything is so numb and I felt nothing at all. That is what I was seeking - to feel nothing. I wanted the depression and the bone chilling anxiety to just go the **** away. In doing that, though, any remaining good feelings like love, pride, and faith went away with it.
I finally succeeded in getting that perfectly developed numbness but it almost killed me in the process. A whole bottle of benzos mixed with enough alcohol to take out a bear. This bender put me into a very very dark place so full of delusions that I didn't know what was real and what was my imagination. Unfortunately you all had to bear witness to it. For that I am truly sorry.
When I awoke three whole days later, I looked at myself in the mirror and forced myself to rewind the tape and see what I had done or said. Benzo blackouts hide the truth, though, so I had to paste bits and pieces together to understand the aftermath. But I got it. That morning I called every rehab facility in Florida. By 6Pm that evening I was in detox in Delray Beach, two hours south from my home.
As much as I regret that bender and all that happened, I am also thankful for it. It woke me up. If it didn't happen I never would have stopped. I never would have done the right and just thing of getting help for myself. I would still be in my tunnel or, even worse, dead.
I spent almost 30 days in an intensive inpatient rehab. My days started at 5 am and didn't stop until 9 pm. I had countless hours of individual therapy, group therapy, lessons in health, psychological analysis, behavior modification, and spirituality through mindfulness and meditation. I discovered that I am not the Agnostic that I always thought I was. I found a God of my understanding, one that I can truly believe in. I surrendered myself, my heart, mind and soul, to God and begged for help in my journey. Through him I finally found the peace and serenity I lost over the last few years. I started to rediscover myself, understand where I came from, and became mindful of what the real reasons of why I hated myself and why I turned to chemicals to suppress this hatred.
I went to treatment broken and lost and unsure of the future. I left treatment as a completely different person. This new person is not even the one I was before alcohol and drugs. Both of those people are gone. In their place is someone who is open, honest, secure, stable and hopeful for the future. The insecurity, selfishness, dishonesty, and irresponsibility has been lifted off of me. There was hope for me after all. My only regret is not doing it sooner. I suffered and my family suffered needlessly because I couldn't accept that I was an addict. I couldn't put myself on the same page with a heroin or crack addict because I believed I was better than that because my drug of choice came from my doctor or the grocery store and not on the street. How wrong I was. In rehab I met some wonderful human beings, they were the very same addicts I separated myself from. On the outside they may have been IV drug users, drug dealers, prostitutes, and criminals, but inside they were real people. Broken and lost, just like me. Addiction spares no one. It can be found in all walks of life. I understood that and welcomed them into my own recovery and through their experience, strength and hope, I grew as a person.
I am home now, the tunnel is behind me. But my recovery is just beginning. I have therapy, AA and NA meetings, and am working on finding an outpatient program with evening sessions (I go back to work Monday). Addiction is for life, but a strong recovery program and my active participation will keep me from re-entering the tunnel.
Thank you for reading this, and thank you for trying to save me. I hope you will be open and receptive to a new relationship with me. I hope that as time goes by you will forgive what I have said or done in active addiction that was hurtful or disrespectful to you. The past is gone and I can't change anything I did or erase anything I said, but I hope you will come to see me again as a loving sister who wants nothing more from you than a new relationship filled with kindness and love.
There was hope for me at the end of the dark tunnel I dug myself. Looking back now with a clear head and open heart I realize that I brought you all down into my tunnel and only offered you a one way access hatch to get as far away from me and the destruction I was causing as you could. I don't blame you for scrambling out of that hatch. I needed help desperately and the only one who could help me was me.
Today I am crawling back through the dirt and am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. My focus is in tune with that light, my way out is unencumbered, and I have cast away all enticing distractions. I went into my tunnel a broken human being full of anger, disappointment, hurt, and disillusionment at life and my place within it. I was not always like this, it took years of self harm and abuse to break me from the person I used to be. Early on I was content to self destruct by myself. Later on, I brought my family into it. Part of me was begging for help but that part was already buried in that dark tunnel and so when I was offered help, I refused it. I said I don't have a problem (lie), that I am not the problem but my husband is (lie) that I was in control (lie) and that I could handle it (lie). I pushed away everyone and everything. The worse it got the deeper my tunnel began to be. I had no hope for ever coming out. I gave up.
Every time I tried to stop my self destructive behavior or to change my negative thoughts I failed. It was all or nothing thinking - if I didn't change completely then I would die alone in my tunnel. I had long periods of non-use. I mistakenly thought because of that I was cured. But I was never cured, I was just taking a break. I didn't know what real recovery was, I just forced myself to attend a few meetings and then just give up on them. Every time the cycle repeated I just dug deeper in the dark and in doing that, lost pieces of my soul, my humanity, self respect and knowledge of right and wrong.
It is almost impossible to see the light when one is filled with self loathing. Nothing matters except self soothing the pain away until everything is so numb and I felt nothing at all. That is what I was seeking - to feel nothing. I wanted the depression and the bone chilling anxiety to just go the **** away. In doing that, though, any remaining good feelings like love, pride, and faith went away with it.
I finally succeeded in getting that perfectly developed numbness but it almost killed me in the process. A whole bottle of benzos mixed with enough alcohol to take out a bear. This bender put me into a very very dark place so full of delusions that I didn't know what was real and what was my imagination. Unfortunately you all had to bear witness to it. For that I am truly sorry.
When I awoke three whole days later, I looked at myself in the mirror and forced myself to rewind the tape and see what I had done or said. Benzo blackouts hide the truth, though, so I had to paste bits and pieces together to understand the aftermath. But I got it. That morning I called every rehab facility in Florida. By 6Pm that evening I was in detox in Delray Beach, two hours south from my home.
As much as I regret that bender and all that happened, I am also thankful for it. It woke me up. If it didn't happen I never would have stopped. I never would have done the right and just thing of getting help for myself. I would still be in my tunnel or, even worse, dead.
I spent almost 30 days in an intensive inpatient rehab. My days started at 5 am and didn't stop until 9 pm. I had countless hours of individual therapy, group therapy, lessons in health, psychological analysis, behavior modification, and spirituality through mindfulness and meditation. I discovered that I am not the Agnostic that I always thought I was. I found a God of my understanding, one that I can truly believe in. I surrendered myself, my heart, mind and soul, to God and begged for help in my journey. Through him I finally found the peace and serenity I lost over the last few years. I started to rediscover myself, understand where I came from, and became mindful of what the real reasons of why I hated myself and why I turned to chemicals to suppress this hatred.
I went to treatment broken and lost and unsure of the future. I left treatment as a completely different person. This new person is not even the one I was before alcohol and drugs. Both of those people are gone. In their place is someone who is open, honest, secure, stable and hopeful for the future. The insecurity, selfishness, dishonesty, and irresponsibility has been lifted off of me. There was hope for me after all. My only regret is not doing it sooner. I suffered and my family suffered needlessly because I couldn't accept that I was an addict. I couldn't put myself on the same page with a heroin or crack addict because I believed I was better than that because my drug of choice came from my doctor or the grocery store and not on the street. How wrong I was. In rehab I met some wonderful human beings, they were the very same addicts I separated myself from. On the outside they may have been IV drug users, drug dealers, prostitutes, and criminals, but inside they were real people. Broken and lost, just like me. Addiction spares no one. It can be found in all walks of life. I understood that and welcomed them into my own recovery and through their experience, strength and hope, I grew as a person.
I am home now, the tunnel is behind me. But my recovery is just beginning. I have therapy, AA and NA meetings, and am working on finding an outpatient program with evening sessions (I go back to work Monday). Addiction is for life, but a strong recovery program and my active participation will keep me from re-entering the tunnel.
Thank you for reading this, and thank you for trying to save me. I hope you will be open and receptive to a new relationship with me. I hope that as time goes by you will forgive what I have said or done in active addiction that was hurtful or disrespectful to you. The past is gone and I can't change anything I did or erase anything I said, but I hope you will come to see me again as a loving sister who wants nothing more from you than a new relationship filled with kindness and love.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I think this is a beautifully written letter x
I remember asking my sponser about saying sorry to people & his words were although your ready to say sorry they might not want to hear it this was my neighbours in particular not my family but it worked out but I was aware it might not have & as long as I accepted that then I'd be ok - time is a great healer I know that much & you're letter was very honest x
I remember asking my sponser about saying sorry to people & his words were although your ready to say sorry they might not want to hear it this was my neighbours in particular not my family but it worked out but I was aware it might not have & as long as I accepted that then I'd be ok - time is a great healer I know that much & you're letter was very honest x
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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easy L Bug I know easier said than done, I personally am not a big fan of newcomers laying it all out at group level. I strongly suggest women only meetings.
Would your husband be open to Al Anon meetings?
A sound medically peer based recovery group like Smart Recovery might be worth checking out I get great support at Smart and there web site has a tool box of recovery.
Remember it takes time to change and recover fully so be good to yourself surround yourself with recovery like SR we are here for you
Would your husband be open to Al Anon meetings?
A sound medically peer based recovery group like Smart Recovery might be worth checking out I get great support at Smart and there web site has a tool box of recovery.
Remember it takes time to change and recover fully so be good to yourself surround yourself with recovery like SR we are here for you
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by fred59
easy L Bug I know easier said than done, I personally am not a big fan of newcomers laying it all out at group level. I strongly suggest women only meetings.
Would your husband be open to Al Anon meetings?
A sound medically peer based recovery group like Smart Recovery might be worth checking out I get great support at Smart and there web site has a tool box of recovery.
Remember it takes time to change and recover fully so be good to yourself surround yourself with recovery like SR we are here for you
Would your husband be open to Al Anon meetings?
A sound medically peer based recovery group like Smart Recovery might be worth checking out I get great support at Smart and there web site has a tool box of recovery.
Remember it takes time to change and recover fully so be good to yourself surround yourself with recovery like SR we are here for you
I am going to a Smart meeting tonight! Can't wait. As for hubs going to Al Anon, he is very introverted and would never go. That is ok, I put too much on him as it is.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Originally Posted by Soberwolf
I think this is a beautifully written letter x
I remember asking my sponser about saying sorry to people & his words were although your ready to say sorry they might not want to hear it this was my neighbours in particular not my family but it worked out but I was aware it might not have & as long as I accepted that then I'd be ok - time is a great healer I know that much & you're letter was very honest x
I remember asking my sponser about saying sorry to people & his words were although your ready to say sorry they might not want to hear it this was my neighbours in particular not my family but it worked out but I was aware it might not have & as long as I accepted that then I'd be ok - time is a great healer I know that much & you're letter was very honest x
What I should have posted in the beginning is that this is not an amends email. It is also being sent to people who live far away from me and who have been oblivious until recently when I made it public knowledge. I haven't directly harmed them except for sending them delusional emails in June. That I can apologize for.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
I haven't heard this one. I'm going to have to update my wardrobe.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Hah! Yeah, let's go shopping. Do you like Nordstrom Rack? It's one of my favorite places to shop. I love trying on shoes there-talk about fun chaos...! But when I hit the clearance racks, that's when the fun really starts.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Hah! Yeah, let's go shopping. Do you like Nordstrom Rack? It's one of my favorite places to shop. I love trying on shoes there-talk about fun chaos...! But when I hit the clearance racks, that's when the fun really starts.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Originally Posted by Lightning Bug
It is a hard journey and you can't expect immediate changes in relationships. I feel my husband expected me to come back home driven with the desire to be supermom, suddenly cured of all character defects with no emotional baggage, no need for support and understanding of the fragility of early recovery. I don't even know what defects he wanted to change. I kbow what I want, but what if he is expecting a change in behavior that I didn't even know was a problem?
He told me that I don't know how to love someone. He called me selfish. He says he questions if I really want a family at all? I hide my emotions so well that it may seem like to unattached, but I feel love. I love my children. I feel love for my husband but I question whether I am in love with him. God I sound like a monster.
He told me that I don't know how to love someone. He called me selfish. He says he questions if I really want a family at all? I hide my emotions so well that it may seem like to unattached, but I feel love. I love my children. I feel love for my husband but I question whether I am in love with him. God I sound like a monster.
You are a great writer, BTW.
You have a lot of passion, I'm sensing. That can be mistaken by others as some sort of fault or flaw...and also mistaken by YOU as being a defect you have; thus contributing to your self loathing?
Yeah, leaving the structure and order it brings to disordered lives can be very scary. Folks are usually not properly PREPARED for that when they go home....
So, here is something to think about: Some people NEED lots of structure in their lives...some even thrive on that. But, some people take structure to the N'th degree; can become OCD about it and there are varying degrees of how OCD manifests....SPEAKING FOR MYSELF...I can feel myself being MORE OCD when I am stressed and trying to "keep it together"; less OCD when I am relaxed and able to kick back. I notice these patterns in myself....
I am trying to put more good healthy structure into my life, but still allow myself times/places to be able to kick back and to do so without the aid of addictive substances. So, I've needed to tap into my God-given creativity and brains....and try to stay positive and keep believing in what talents/skills/tendencies I've always had that can be put to good use in recovery.
And so, I've kind of broken it down into things I need to really stay on top of and things that I can lighten up about a bit more. Some things I stay on top of seem to come more easily to me; others take a little more work.
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Originally Posted by Lightning Bug
Moving my most recent post into my journal.
have been sober for 38 days, no alcohol. I am not craving it or thinking about it or dreaming about it. But I can't go into an NA meeting and say I am clean. My destructive obsessive thoughts have returned in gusto and I am having a hard time keeping them at bay. My DOC are benzos (I crave being down not high). But like alcohol though, I am not obsessing about those. My obsession took a new turn and I found myself taking an extra Adderall every morning in the past few days. I have never abused them before. This is new. I think I did it because I think I was looking for a crutch. I fell back into the habit of wanting to pop a pill to feel better, the action of swallowing it was familiar and comforting. Having never abused them before I really think it is the actual thought of having something, anything, to take that made me do it. Luckily I can't take more than one extra because too much makes me want to come out of my skin.
The obsession is real. I found myself looking forward to it - which is so weird because I have always had to be reminded to take it before.
I have always lied to people about taking extra medication, but my experience in rehab has taught me that lying about it is wrong. So I confessed to my husband, had him lock it up and give it to me as prescribed, and now I am confessing to you. I am thinking that I need to get rid of it though. I can't have these obsessive thoughts. Thoughts like this will lead me back to using. There is a non-stimulant medication I can take for my ADHD. I will ask my doctor at my next appointment.
Please don't think badly of me!
have been sober for 38 days, no alcohol. I am not craving it or thinking about it or dreaming about it. But I can't go into an NA meeting and say I am clean. My destructive obsessive thoughts have returned in gusto and I am having a hard time keeping them at bay. My DOC are benzos (I crave being down not high). But like alcohol though, I am not obsessing about those. My obsession took a new turn and I found myself taking an extra Adderall every morning in the past few days. I have never abused them before. This is new. I think I did it because I think I was looking for a crutch. I fell back into the habit of wanting to pop a pill to feel better, the action of swallowing it was familiar and comforting. Having never abused them before I really think it is the actual thought of having something, anything, to take that made me do it. Luckily I can't take more than one extra because too much makes me want to come out of my skin.
The obsession is real. I found myself looking forward to it - which is so weird because I have always had to be reminded to take it before.
I have always lied to people about taking extra medication, but my experience in rehab has taught me that lying about it is wrong. So I confessed to my husband, had him lock it up and give it to me as prescribed, and now I am confessing to you. I am thinking that I need to get rid of it though. I can't have these obsessive thoughts. Thoughts like this will lead me back to using. There is a non-stimulant medication I can take for my ADHD. I will ask my doctor at my next appointment.
Please don't think badly of me!
On the other hand, I respect you for being real and honest about both...
I'm just wondering if Adderal is the drug of choice for your ADHD. Reason I bring this to the fore is cuz my hubby has ADHD and I once asked a mutual Dr. friend of ours about the possibility that he might need something like Adderal and the Doc told us Adderal has the opposite effect in adults that it does in children. Now, mind you, this is was not my first rodeo trying to figure out what to do with my husband's brain issues. He also has a sleep disorder for which he took Klonipin for years, but weaned himself off gradually earlier this year... (Frankly, I sort of wished he would have also taken the Klonipin during the day to mellow him out a bit), but that choice isn't mine to make!
Anyhow, I don't know why the difference between adults and children nor why children are given "Speed" to "calm down". That's beyond my level of intelligence.
So, yeah, maybe the Adderal needs to go....but it would be worth talking to your Doc about various alternatives for your brain's needs. There are uppers and downers and in-betweeners.
Anyways, your writing is fabulous. Have you explored writing as a career, or maybe you already do that? I enjoy writing too and used to fantisize about being this great author....
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Uhh.....: I don't think badly of you at all! I don't think badly of you for having ADHD, nor for taking Adderal, NOR for misusing it, friend.
On the other hand, I respect you for being real and honest about both...
I'm just wondering if Adderal is the drug of choice for your ADHD. Reason I bring this to the fore is cuz my hubby has ADHD and I once asked a mutual Dr. friend of ours about the possibility that he might need something like Adderal and the Doc told us Adderal has the opposite effect in adults that it does in children. Now, mind you, this is was not my first rodeo trying to figure out what to do with my husband's brain issues. He also has a sleep disorder for which he took Klonipin for years, but weaned himself off gradually earlier this year... (Frankly, I sort of wished he would have also taken the Klonipin during the day to mellow him out a bit), but that choice isn't mine to make!
Anyhow, I don't know why the difference between adults and children nor why children are given "Speed" to "calm down". That's beyond my level of intelligence.
So, yeah, maybe the Adderal needs to go....but it would be worth talking to your Doc about various alternatives for your brain's needs. There are uppers and downers and in-betweeners.
Anyways, your writing is fabulous. Have you explored writing as a career, or maybe you already do that? I enjoy writing too and used to fantisize about being this great author....
On the other hand, I respect you for being real and honest about both...
I'm just wondering if Adderal is the drug of choice for your ADHD. Reason I bring this to the fore is cuz my hubby has ADHD and I once asked a mutual Dr. friend of ours about the possibility that he might need something like Adderal and the Doc told us Adderal has the opposite effect in adults that it does in children. Now, mind you, this is was not my first rodeo trying to figure out what to do with my husband's brain issues. He also has a sleep disorder for which he took Klonipin for years, but weaned himself off gradually earlier this year... (Frankly, I sort of wished he would have also taken the Klonipin during the day to mellow him out a bit), but that choice isn't mine to make!
Anyhow, I don't know why the difference between adults and children nor why children are given "Speed" to "calm down". That's beyond my level of intelligence.
So, yeah, maybe the Adderal needs to go....but it would be worth talking to your Doc about various alternatives for your brain's needs. There are uppers and downers and in-betweeners.
Anyways, your writing is fabulous. Have you explored writing as a career, or maybe you already do that? I enjoy writing too and used to fantisize about being this great author....
Thanks my friend. The adderall got dumped and I started Strattera - it is a non-stimulant.
If someone, adult or child, is really ADHD then a stimulant calms their brain down. If they don't have it, it gets them high. I didn't get any highs off of it, I just get hyperfocused. I think by taking an extra pill was my way thinking that 1 is good, but 2 would make it better. Glad I nipped that. Taking 2 doesn't do anything but waste a pill.
I have always wanted to be a writer. I even got my undergraduate degree in English. But I went the high tech route in my career. I do write but I write code for computer applications. Is it the same? No. But I get my kicks out of blogging and posting on messageboards.
I do have one book I finished when I was staying home with the kids. It is a career planning manual. All I need is an ISBN number and I can self publish it on Amazon. I may still do that.
Maybe now that I am sober I will.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Had a great meeting yesterday. I chose the 530 one hoping that it wouldn't be as jam-packed with so many young people. I have nothing against millenials, I am just looking for people closer to my age or older. The 530 only had about 15 people and most if not all were above 40. I think I found my home.
I shared! Big accomplishment for me. The topic was talking about the higher power. I shared about how confused I am about spirituality considering that up until rehab, I was a devout agnostic content on rejecting any talk of a god.
When I had the mindful realization that there is a power greater than us, I was left with confusion of how to process that new belief. Do I need to go to Church now? Wear a cross? Buy a Bible? What do I do?
I am task oriented and I can't find a task list for new believers. So I shared my confusion. I was approached by many people with suggestions for Big Book reading. I also met up with my new friend (who was there when I first showed up at AA two weeks ago bawling my eyes out about how hard it was living outside the safety of rehab). She offered to guide me through the first 3 steps. I gladly accepted and she will be coming over to my house today to do some reading with me.
I have been in and out of AA rooms over the last couple of years and never got past step 1. This time is different. I have opened up the door to spirituality and I can't wait to see what is on the other side.
I shared! Big accomplishment for me. The topic was talking about the higher power. I shared about how confused I am about spirituality considering that up until rehab, I was a devout agnostic content on rejecting any talk of a god.
When I had the mindful realization that there is a power greater than us, I was left with confusion of how to process that new belief. Do I need to go to Church now? Wear a cross? Buy a Bible? What do I do?
I am task oriented and I can't find a task list for new believers. So I shared my confusion. I was approached by many people with suggestions for Big Book reading. I also met up with my new friend (who was there when I first showed up at AA two weeks ago bawling my eyes out about how hard it was living outside the safety of rehab). She offered to guide me through the first 3 steps. I gladly accepted and she will be coming over to my house today to do some reading with me.
I have been in and out of AA rooms over the last couple of years and never got past step 1. This time is different. I have opened up the door to spirituality and I can't wait to see what is on the other side.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
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Originally Posted by Elle126
Oh bug, I just found this thread and I love it! You are brilliant, absolutely marvellous. Keep up the good work! Elle
Thank you for your kind words!
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