Lightning Bug

This is my journal entry this morning. It felt liberating to do this. It is long, sorry, I love to write, and right now I am working hard on my emotional health. This exercise has freed me.


If I sat face to face with the deep and ugly underbelly of my addictions, I would want to have closure. A tie to bind the bag that I am going to bury so deep beneath the Earth that it can only be found by the devil himself. Never to be unearthed again. Never to parasitically suck the life and soul out of me and never again to leave me powerless in a path of suffering and destruction.

I would tell my addiction this before I shoveled the last pile of dirt.

I am sorry I brought you to life as a young child and nurtured you to grow while I was lacking the strength, maturity or understanding of how to control you, to keep you locked up, to suppress your power.

I am sorry I allowed you access to more than my inner self but also my external self where you maliciously released pieces of your poison to infect those I surround myself with. Those who are most precious to me.

Now my Goodbyes...

Goodbye to your villainous attempts to change the core of my being, the very essence of me, from a loving and caring person to a detestable one with selfish needs, cunning behavior and malicious intents.

Goodbye to your very first attempt to destroy me, your desire to turn my normal and healthy appetite and relationship with food into a dark and ugly cycle of binging and purging and endless starvation, leading to a hatred of my body and naturally a later a fear of intimacy with men.

Goodbye to your intent to turn medically needed medication into objects of insatiable desire worth lying and stealing to obtain. And goodbye to your encouraging whispers in my ear telling me that self harm could get me more and more pills. Goodbye to you gorging yourself with my screams from self inflicted pain. My pain is gone but my scars carry the memories forward.

Goodbye to your goal to rip me from my children with isolation attempts through daily sunset blackouts and sleeping binges that lasted days. Your control of me was so strong that while I was physically there for my children, emotionally I was millions of miles away. I can never replace the years I lost of their childhood.

Goodbye to your opportunities to devalue me, make me feel dirty and worthless and in despair, to make me hate who I become. Goodbye to your pitiful attempts to sabotage my education, goals, and career. You tried so hard to make me fail, but I must have shocked you with my success. Score one for me.

Goodbye to your selfish need to consume all my energy and nutrients and to degrade my body and damage my health so far that damage could be irreversible. I must have a strong will to live because you could have killed me many times over.

Goodbye to your wild willingness to compel me to do things I am morally against. Goodbye to the manipulative control you tried to have over my sense of right and wrong, my willingness to protect others from harm, and my disregard of my ethical values and and a sense of common decency.

Goodbye to the wake of broken friendships and ended relationships that you created for no other reason than to cause pain and suffering. You turned me into a bitch. You put words in my mouth to hurt other people.

Goodbye to your juvenile attempts to break up my otherwise happy marriage by verbalizing anger with vile words, insults and threats of divorce. Goodbye to the crazed looks you put on my face, the contempt you put in my voice and the sheer volume you added to my screaming. You made me look insane.

Goodbye to your choke hold chaining me to the couch or bed and preventing me from taking proper care of my family and household. Goodbye to your constricting grip around my vocal cords rendering me mute with no care to interact with those around me.

Goodbye to your stifling obsession with keeping me weak, dependent, and unable to function without you. When I fought back you made so sick with withdrawal I had to let you back in.

Goodbye to your partners in crime, the booze, the benzos, the percs. They were never my friends. They didnt bring me joy or happiness or satisfaction. But you made them so attractive and delicious and irresistible that I would do anything for them. Like doctor shop. Steal from my aging mother. Lie to my friends. Spend loads of money needed for bills.

We never had any good times, you and I. You seeded yourself in me when I was a young child. I never knew life without your vile parasitic presence. You followed me through school, college, jobs, marriages. You never left me alone. Your incessant chatter in my head never stopped. Your vice like grip on my hands controlled my movement. You were so tightly wrapped around my heart trying to prevent me from loving and caring and feeling real emotions. I never enjoyed the drug and alcohol induced highs you promised, the incredible rushes of endorphins, the satisfying release of energy. You were always restricting my good feelings by directing me to find the next bottle or the next prescription.

It is time addiction.

I have cut every last bit of you out of me, bound and gagged you, put you in a canvas bag tied with rope and now I will bury you so far into the earth that you will never see the light of day again. I will never forget you, though, because if I do then I open myself up to a bigger and badder cancer to invade me. Acknowledging my past failures, making amends, accepting what I cant change, developing new coping skills and learning to love and appreciate myself will keep those demons at bay. And I will continue to know peace.

Farewell. Don't forget to keep your eyes open. You will live forever with the final sight of me living free, safe, healthy and happy in a beautiful glow of light shining from above surrounded by loving family and waiting for the future of possibilities I have never imagined to see.

Opivotal

Very powerful, Bug.

Thank you for posting!

Lightning Bug

Thank you! I was out on the patio early this morning and felt some strong emotions that I had to get out. I am so thankful for a safe place to post it.

Soberwolf

Excellent post Bug

Lightning Bug

Am I the only one who wants to tell her addiction to eff off? Come on now, use this post to curse yours out and damn it to the fiery pits of hell. Don't be shy!

Delizadee

I've written my addiction many farewell and hate notes, haha. Best for me to carry on than dwell on it but that's just me... but I really enjoyed your post I love your newfound peace in life. Good for you Bug.

Lightning Bug

Oh I am not dwelling on it, I am confronting it head on like a bull with horns for the first time ever. I lived in denial. Cover your eyes kind of denial. Feels great! Soon I will let it go. But for now I am a raging bull.