Rock and a hard place question
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Rock and a hard place question
Just to start I'm 85 days sober and counting. My wife attended a good AA meeting with me tonight as a supporter. I usually don't speak, but I listen to get a message from others. I just finished the steps this past Wednesday with my sponsor. We went through them in almost 3 months as it was a matter of life and death with me. I most definitely choose life. I'm happy to be here and living soberly.
Bit a feed back before I get into my question. Back in February I was on a pretty bad bender. I was about 3 days in and chugging vodka like a mad man and it turns me exactly into that. I have no idea who I become. I'm scary, mean, a d*ck just an all out crazy person. I'm sure all of us can relate which is why we're here. Anyhow during that run I put hands on my wife. She went to the hospital after I passed out and the hospital deemed suspicious injuries and were going to get the police involved. I'm never arrested for anything, but a few months later the complaint that was filed as she was forced to take pictures and give a vague statement. Now she doesn't want me to go to jail. I have court Monday for the preliminary hearing. I wish this never happened with every bone in my body. She sees all that I've been trying to do with my life, but my actions are my actions I know that.
My question is since we kinda got into it earlier about it is if she shows I'm pretty much going to jail. If she doesn't show my lawyer said a warrant will be issued for her which isn't a criminal warrant its a material witness warrant, but if I want this to go away then she needs to not show up and avoid all contact as the warrant is good for 45 days then its squashed. She thinks I'm only concerned about myself which isn't true. I hate the position I put both of us in period. I regret that night so much!! If it was your spouse, or on the other end of the stick what would you do or have them do?
Bit a feed back before I get into my question. Back in February I was on a pretty bad bender. I was about 3 days in and chugging vodka like a mad man and it turns me exactly into that. I have no idea who I become. I'm scary, mean, a d*ck just an all out crazy person. I'm sure all of us can relate which is why we're here. Anyhow during that run I put hands on my wife. She went to the hospital after I passed out and the hospital deemed suspicious injuries and were going to get the police involved. I'm never arrested for anything, but a few months later the complaint that was filed as she was forced to take pictures and give a vague statement. Now she doesn't want me to go to jail. I have court Monday for the preliminary hearing. I wish this never happened with every bone in my body. She sees all that I've been trying to do with my life, but my actions are my actions I know that.
My question is since we kinda got into it earlier about it is if she shows I'm pretty much going to jail. If she doesn't show my lawyer said a warrant will be issued for her which isn't a criminal warrant its a material witness warrant, but if I want this to go away then she needs to not show up and avoid all contact as the warrant is good for 45 days then its squashed. She thinks I'm only concerned about myself which isn't true. I hate the position I put both of us in period. I regret that night so much!! If it was your spouse, or on the other end of the stick what would you do or have them do?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I don't think it's her amends to make. You've 'done' all the steps, so I suppose it's time to show some faith in them and work your program. Sounds like this is a perfect opportunity for some step 9 to your wife. ('Laying hand on' enough to hospitalise is pretty serious. Many wives would not still be there supporting you. An apology followed by a request for me to not show up in court would nit be bellowing 'sincere amends' to me if I were in her place. I would think you were just trying to cover your arse a avoid the consequences of your actions - and that isn't part of the program. Sorry. But sincere amends are what it takes ).
I suppose, i would like to think that i would pray for humility, and the willingness to do the next right thing (ie honest thing that is not driven by selfish motives). I would also be put praying hard to not be fear driven.
What does your sponsor say?
I suppose, i would like to think that i would pray for humility, and the willingness to do the next right thing (ie honest thing that is not driven by selfish motives). I would also be put praying hard to not be fear driven.
What does your sponsor say?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
I think really you know what the right thing to do is getitright. If you don't deal with this now it's always going to be over your head.
Show up with your wife - throw yourself on the mercy of the court.
I can't guarantee you won't go to jail, but I've seen people walk away from jail time when it's clear the defendant is really trying to get their shizz together.
At least, either way, this part of the mess will be sorted right?
D
Show up with your wife - throw yourself on the mercy of the court.
I can't guarantee you won't go to jail, but I've seen people walk away from jail time when it's clear the defendant is really trying to get their shizz together.
At least, either way, this part of the mess will be sorted right?
D
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Amends was made to her a few weeks ago about that and many other things. I never asked her to do anything. She did ask me very early on about what we should do. If I could take back that day I really would. She knows my sponsor very well and they have talked about it. Today he said that the decision was hers to make and he knows I'm good with the consequences. I mean of course I don't want to go to jail, but it is what it is. I did it.
Without getting into to much detail when I say put hands on her I didn't hit her or kick her...I pushed her and shoved her and she hit the counter and cabinet. The first shove was 1 to many. No sugar coating anything I'm less of a man for doing that. She knows that is not me as I've never done anything like that before, but either way I did it and I face the music Monday.
So we will see.
Without getting into to much detail when I say put hands on her I didn't hit her or kick her...I pushed her and shoved her and she hit the counter and cabinet. The first shove was 1 to many. No sugar coating anything I'm less of a man for doing that. She knows that is not me as I've never done anything like that before, but either way I did it and I face the music Monday.
So we will see.
Originally Posted by Berrybean 
I don't think it's her amends to make. You've 'done' all the steps, so I suppose it's time to show some faith in them and work your program. Sounds like this is a perfect opportunity for some step 9 to your wife. ('Laying hand on' enough to hospitalise is pretty serious. Many wives would not still be there supporting you. An apology followed by a request for me to not show up in court would nit be bellowing 'sincere amends' to me if I were in her place. I would think you were just trying to cover your arse a avoid the consequences of your actions - and that isn't part of the program. Sorry. But sincere amends are what it takes ).
I suppose, i would like to think that i would pray for humility, and the willingness to do the next right thing (ie honest thing that is not driven by selfish motives). I would also be put praying hard to not be fear driven.
What does your sponsor say?
I suppose, i would like to think that i would pray for humility, and the willingness to do the next right thing (ie honest thing that is not driven by selfish motives). I would also be put praying hard to not be fear driven.
What does your sponsor say?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Absolutely Dee! This is the last thing hanging over my head concerning court...well other than fines that need to be paid, but no more court cases to deal with.
I think about this every single day. I can't and won't live in the past but I can't forget where I came from.
I think about this every single day. I can't and won't live in the past but I can't forget where I came from.
Originally Posted by Dee74
I think really you know what the right thing to do is getitright. If you don't deal with this now it's always going to be over your head.
Show up with your wife - throw yourself on the mercy of the court.
I can't guarantee you won't go to jail, but I've seen people walk away from jail time when it's clear the defendant is really trying to get their shizz together.
At least, either way, this part of the mess will be sorted right?
D
Show up with your wife - throw yourself on the mercy of the court.
I can't guarantee you won't go to jail, but I've seen people walk away from jail time when it's clear the defendant is really trying to get their shizz together.
At least, either way, this part of the mess will be sorted right?
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I don't think amends are a done and dusted job, it wasn't so long ago that you were posting about your step 9 and recognised that. At the end of the day, in your OP you said that she thinks you're only concerned about yourself. I suppose it's up to you how much self-scrutiny you're prepared to do as to whether this is the case, but making amends to people is about our ongoing actions. Living amends.
Ninth Step Prayer
Higher Power,
I pray for the right attitude to make my amends,
Being ever mindful not to harm others in the process.
I ask for Your guidance in making indirect amends.
Most important, I will continue to make amends
By staying abstinent, helping others &
Growing in spiritual progress.
Ninth Step Prayer
Higher Power,
I pray for the right attitude to make my amends,
Being ever mindful not to harm others in the process.
I ask for Your guidance in making indirect amends.
Most important, I will continue to make amends
By staying abstinent, helping others &
Growing in spiritual progress.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
You're absolutely right about living amends. For example when I got a bit upset earlier today I called her back a few minutes later to acknowledge that I was sorry for getting upset and I understand her position. It is a sh*tty position to be in regardless, but it's my mess to clean. I don't expect anything from anyone when it comes to the amends I made. I know its not an "I'm sorry" tour. I want to right all of my wrongs of my past and move forward in uniting my family again. Monday will go how its supposed to go. I'll live with whatever outcome comes of it. Living life on life's terms.
Originally Posted by Berrybean
I don't think amends are a done and dusted job, it wasn't so long ago that you were posting about your step 9 and recognised that. At the end of the day, in your OP you said that she thinks you're only concerned about yourself. I suppose it's up to you how much self-scrutiny you're prepared to do as to whether this is the case, but making amends to people is about our ongoing actions. Living amends.
Ninth Step Prayer
Higher Power,
I pray for the right attitude to make my amends,
Being ever mindful not to harm others in the process.
I ask for Your guidance in making indirect amends.
Most important, I will continue to make amends
By staying abstinent, helping others &
Growing in spiritual progress.
Ninth Step Prayer
Higher Power,
I pray for the right attitude to make my amends,
Being ever mindful not to harm others in the process.
I ask for Your guidance in making indirect amends.
Most important, I will continue to make amends
By staying abstinent, helping others &
Growing in spiritual progress.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I'll light a candle for you and your wife on Monday morning up at the cathedral. It must be scary, so really work your program this weekend. Fear is one of our biggest stumbling blocks on our quest for serenity and a healthy sobriety.
You've come this far. You can do this.
You've come this far. You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
I really appreciate your candidness. Yes, it is scary. I've been dealing with it pretty well for the most part and trying not to dwell on it. I know resentments and fears are big reasons for relapse, but I've been there and done that song and dance. I'm determined to not let this disease defeat me. Your're right I've come this far and there is no looking back cause there is nothing good waiting for me if I go back to my old ways.
I've got AA tomorrow morning and breakfast tomorrow with the guys and any newcomers that want to join us. I love AA!
I've got AA tomorrow morning and breakfast tomorrow with the guys and any newcomers that want to join us. I love AA!
Originally Posted by Berrybean
I'll light a candle for you and your wife on Monday morning up at the cathedral. It must be scary, so really work your program this weekend. Fear is one of our biggest stumbling blocks on our quest for serenity and a healthy sobriety.
You've come this far. You can do this.
You've come this far. You can do this.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
Hang in there.
This is real big boy stuff. - Part of recovery is paying for our past and not trying to force outcomes.
There's a lot of application of quite a few of the steps in this situation. Welcome to practicing these principles in all our affairs.
This is real big boy stuff. - Part of recovery is paying for our past and not trying to force outcomes.
There's a lot of application of quite a few of the steps in this situation. Welcome to practicing these principles in all our affairs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
I'm confused about her warrant... Quashed after 45 days??? Not a criminal warrant? If someone is subpoenad to court and doesn't show it is contempt, which is a charge...
I think both of you should show and she can speak to the court and explain her feelings and what has been happening in your family and recovery.
You did this, you need to deal with the consequences of your actions. If you go to jail it is because of what you did, not because she showed or didn't show.
Keep your eye on the prize and use this experience to turn your life around.
I think both of you should show and she can speak to the court and explain her feelings and what has been happening in your family and recovery.
You did this, you need to deal with the consequences of your actions. If you go to jail it is because of what you did, not because she showed or didn't show.
Keep your eye on the prize and use this experience to turn your life around.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
This is your problem to deal with and you need to do what is right. You were physically abusive to your wife and now you need to face the consequences. If you want your family to be reunited, it should be done with honesty and dealing with all the consequences.
I'm sure it's scary, but it will be a step in the right direction to get this over with.
I'm sure it's scary, but it will be a step in the right direction to get this over with.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
I think you need to stand up as the man and husband you are today. Be honest, admit you were wrong, let the judge know you're getting help.
Face the outcome whatever it is... move forward. Manipulating the outcome in any way would be a fail for me. Do the right thing. When you look in the mirror... you won't have to avoid looking at the person looking back.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.
Face the outcome whatever it is... move forward. Manipulating the outcome in any way would be a fail for me. Do the right thing. When you look in the mirror... you won't have to avoid looking at the person looking back.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I'm with you in this too. I know it's tough but we hold ourselves back and don't heal properly by trying to force the out come we want.
Living life on life's terms or some such. I struggle with similar things different circumstances. You're not alone in this. Hold your head up, have faith and do what you need to. We're here for you.
Living life on life's terms or some such. I struggle with similar things different circumstances. You're not alone in this. Hold your head up, have faith and do what you need to. We're here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
My lawyer is handling the situation. He told me what could happen worst case scenario and best case scenario. No way I would go to court without one. Maybe it depends on what state you're in, but my attorney explained everything about showing up and not showing as far as witnesses are concerned. There is more to it than what I wrote, but of course it's way to much to explain. I'm not talking about my actions as they are obvious I'm talking about life for my kids, financially, job. I know...(well I didn't think about that when I did it.) When I posted this I knew there would be backlash. I'm ok with that. I'm not ok with my decisions that night, but I have to live with them.
Would it benefit my kids if I went to jail? Would it benefit my family on a whole if I went to jail as I'm the sole provider? Would it benefit me moving forward in life if a felony stays on my record and difficult to get a good job in the industry that I'm in? These are all things to think about is all.
Not taking away from what I did as I do know my actions put myself and my family in this situation. I'm well aware and not one days goes on without me thinking about it. Drinking has destroyed so much I'm trying to put back together.
Would it benefit my kids if I went to jail? Would it benefit my family on a whole if I went to jail as I'm the sole provider? Would it benefit me moving forward in life if a felony stays on my record and difficult to get a good job in the industry that I'm in? These are all things to think about is all.
Not taking away from what I did as I do know my actions put myself and my family in this situation. I'm well aware and not one days goes on without me thinking about it. Drinking has destroyed so much I'm trying to put back together.
Originally Posted by Nowsthetime
I'm confused about her warrant... Quashed after 45 days??? Not a criminal warrant? If someone is subpoenad to court and doesn't show it is contempt, which is a charge...
I
I
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
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try not to think of it as backlash. I'm sure you have daily reminder of your actions/consequences and I don't disagree with your concerns, and hopefully your lawyer can help present these concerns properly. In the mean time I think all you can do is stay the path and keep faith and strength.
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