The world is a vampire...
 

Been ruminating this morning & I am not happy.



Going back to bed for the day or going drinking.

Go back to bed.

Whats up SG?

D

Yeah. What's up?

I'll hazard a guess that it's something that won't be made better by drinking.

Option 3: Embrace the suck and move forward.

Go do something nice for somebody. Change their world for a day and see what happens to yours.

What do you think I've been doing my whole life...

Believe it or not I do a lot of that. I'm supposed to be doing more for myself now in recovery, seemingly. I dunno what though. You're the worst in the world if enjoying yourself.

There is a huge apparent disparity of opinion on that between those who know me to some degree, and those who don't. Apart from that we are getting closer to the problem now...

I guess you are right. Just angry this morning. Also hungry but thats sorted, bit tired too. Raining all morning so I probably will go back to bed.

Kinda triggered myself earlier, I was looking through a stores website at clearance stuff (I need an exercise mat) and seen household things. Ordinary basic household utilities. And I am thinking to myself, how many f'n times have I bought those things? A hundred times I have, to try and get into a normal daily routine- something most people take for granted- and how many people have tried to subjugate my efforts? Many, for whatever reason.

Know something guess what? For ten years now (I'l focus on them, as I have been) as a single person, young, uneducated, child abuse victim/survivor which is still unresolved for the most part etc, I've been raising a kid with NO SUPPORT from anyone or anything. Emotional, mental, financial etc (I realise the problem begins with my own FOO but). While trying keep a roof over our head, with CPTSD symptoms (big time) ever increasing drink problem. etc, etc. Guess what instead??? Everybody around me (for the most part) trying to take advantage of the situation. Manipulating, coercing, and accusing me of things even. 'Not being a citizen' being the most ridiculous, despite me paying tax from my wages to the same people from ages 14 to 22 wtf?

And then it turns out that I alone have been doing right by God, all along (to the best of my ability, which is even ok according to AA)… And what are all these other people doing sticking their noses in? Not helping us, thats for sure. Staff here at the hostel gave me a bike recently that need to be repaired basically because I said I will as it looks worth it, which got me to thinking… Nobody has ever given me anything like that, which didnt have a hundred strings attached, or wasn't part of a some plot etc.

Just sayin'. Anyway, I realise some of this boils down to codepency issues but still, I'm talking too about people who should know better. UNLIKE ME who's whole being is constructed of defense and survival mechanisms. ffs.

Rant over.

I'm sorry you got stuck down that particular rabbit hole today SG.
You seem to be doing all the right things tho.

It took me a while to sort out the mess 20 years of drinking left me with.

It took me even longer to focus on the right things and leave my resentments behind. Resenting people who will never acknowledge wrong doing is a futile pastime.

Your priorities should be you and your kid and your welfare - what other people think of those priorities is really none of their business.
I hope your day ends a little better than it started :)



D

Okay. Breathe. You're really getting in a state with these resentments. Where are yiu with yiur AA work? Ie do you have a sponsor to call? Can you do an inventory on this stuff? Sorry - I really don't want to sound patronising asking this stuff, it's just there are tools you can draw upon if you want to feel better (and that in itself is a big IF - once I get angry, to be perfectly honest, I don't always WANT to feel better once I'm in the thick of it. I just want to wrap myself in my armour if anger.) Thing is, being angry and resentful is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You're poisoning your own day here.

You know what. If you don't want the bike that needs mending, than don't accept it.

Also, why SHOULD THEY know better? Sometimes our unrealistic expectations of others leads us to disappointment. Over and over again. Yet we still expect other people to be a certain way and are peeved when they let us down.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change (other people)
Change the things I can (my own expectations )
And the wisdom to know the difference. (I struggle with that bit when I'm angry, which is when being in the fellowship of AA is a blessing, because if there's no inner wisdom for me to draw on, then I can check out the literature or chat to another person who's in a good place in their recovery, and draw on THEIR wisdom.)

It's when we work the program in all our affairs that the promises materialise for us.

Hey there space goat

What a cool name😀

I love the smashing pumpkins it's good cathartic music

You mentioned cptsd

No doubt you would have a hard time with that

I am a fellow suffer of PTSD and yes it can complicate sobriety no end

I just want you to know that I read your post and can relate to it

I've had a nasty cold and been bedridden for the last two days and my skull has been filled with a putrid litany of all my past failings trauma and a monkey dancing for spare change whilst some unknown phantasm grinds the handle on the organ.........

Not pleasant..........

Just wanting you to know you aren't alone that you are a survivor and you are doing ok

Peace

V

Hey, Goat! Have missed you. You'll be alright, you're a tough one. I wish you didn't have to keep proving it though. Sending good vibes to you. Love, love love you!

Hugs to you Goat!!

I just want to send you some love & a hug, Spacegoat. I think you're terrific. :hug:

Hugs from me, too, Spacegoat. :hug:

Thanks guys. Lot's of good stuff to reply to about resentments, the program of AA and even the Smashing Pumpkins- that's probably quite a good album, I should get that one.

'Tonight, tonight' was me and my girls song at that time, how innocent we were. Well her anyway :) We were having a similar week by the sound of it Vandermast. Chin up bud.

Hope you don't mind me saying but it's interesting for me to note that you hold a responsible position in spite of your issues- I really have little to no confidence in that regard.

I have got gotten good counselling from my therapist in that regard, and still I question and doubt myself almost daily. It's another discussion I guess but thanks all for replying.

To some extent Spacegoat, I think questioning yourself is perfectly healthy, also a little doubt now and then. They are like our natural ways of a) processing complex life decisions, and b) proving the validity of those decisions.

Think about the opposites of those two, Narcissism, arrogance, selfishness, conceit, etc. I would rather have a little self doubt now and then than any of those.

You are very bright. Keep posting!!!