Keeping going
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sheffield, United Kingdom
Posts: 208
Keeping going
I've seen and read other people doing threads and thought this would really help me if I could have a place to rant and also so I can read back and see where I was at so I don't end up back at square one again.
Came on here in 2015 managed 3 months sober and thought I can moderate. I did moderate at first then had the occasional night out that ended in a drunken mess. But everyone was drunk so I justified that as normal. Fast forward to last week I drank every night about 3 of these were black out drunk with loss of memories. That's when I suddenly realised I had ended right back in the same situation.
Now I'm on day 5 of being sober and I'm struggling with guilt to my kids, my husband and family and anyone else caught in the crossfire of my drunken stupidity. Also I'm so tired I feel I could sleep all day and night. Which obviously isn't an option. The good thing I have done in the past 9 months is taken up running. I am finding this helping me with the anger I am feeling towards myself. I just chanel it all in to my run. Running also helping wake me up from the constant fatigue.
I just don't want to go back to that place where I end up in complete denial again. But scary thing is I know how easy it is to go back.
Been asked on here if I have a plan. My plan is to get fitter and healthier and come on here when I need help and to be honest with my close friends and family that I have a problem. That's about as far as I've got with it. Any advise welcome.
Came on here in 2015 managed 3 months sober and thought I can moderate. I did moderate at first then had the occasional night out that ended in a drunken mess. But everyone was drunk so I justified that as normal. Fast forward to last week I drank every night about 3 of these were black out drunk with loss of memories. That's when I suddenly realised I had ended right back in the same situation.
Now I'm on day 5 of being sober and I'm struggling with guilt to my kids, my husband and family and anyone else caught in the crossfire of my drunken stupidity. Also I'm so tired I feel I could sleep all day and night. Which obviously isn't an option. The good thing I have done in the past 9 months is taken up running. I am finding this helping me with the anger I am feeling towards myself. I just chanel it all in to my run. Running also helping wake me up from the constant fatigue.
I just don't want to go back to that place where I end up in complete denial again. But scary thing is I know how easy it is to go back.
Been asked on here if I have a plan. My plan is to get fitter and healthier and come on here when I need help and to be honest with my close friends and family that I have a problem. That's about as far as I've got with it. Any advise welcome.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Welcome back keep,
My second thought after thinking about having a relapse is.....I am a drug addict.
Alcohol is my drug.
I crave the euphoric stupor.
But, I know the consequences. I don't want to ruin my life any more.
Stay clean. Find happiness in sobriety.
We are not designed to drink booze. It is poison.
My second thought after thinking about having a relapse is.....I am a drug addict.
Alcohol is my drug.
I crave the euphoric stupor.
But, I know the consequences. I don't want to ruin my life any more.
Stay clean. Find happiness in sobriety.
We are not designed to drink booze. It is poison.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sheffield, United Kingdom
Posts: 208
So I've been feeling really down for 5 days since stopping drinking and so tired. Woke up on day 6 feeling a lot better. Because I am not dealing very badly with my anxiety through pouring booze down my throat. It has taken physical form and my neck spasms are back. I've taken my amitripryline and hopefully it will pass soon. Think the fact I am not hungover on a Saturday morning has put a smile on my face. Have to work tonight but least won't feel ill whilst I'm doing it.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
How does a relapse happen? Most I have seen and experienced happen in the nost casual way. A momentory lapse when the defences are down. Acting on a thought like "a drink would be nice" (where would that come from, we know it is not true) or the wrong answer to a simple question like "Would you like a drink?" "yeah, thanks"
It only takes the fatal first drink to start the whole thing off again. So, while physical health and fitness are important and will make you feel better, some means of preventing that momentory lapse, is vitally important. This usually rquires some form of active recovery program.
It only takes the fatal first drink to start the whole thing off again. So, while physical health and fitness are important and will make you feel better, some means of preventing that momentory lapse, is vitally important. This usually rquires some form of active recovery program.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sheffield, United Kingdom
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
How does a relapse happen? Most I have seen and experienced happen in the nost casual way. A momentory lapse when the defences are down. Acting on a thought like "a drink would be nice" (where would that come from, we know it is not true) or the wrong answer to a simple question like "Would you like a drink?" "yeah, thanks"
It only takes the fatal first drink to start the whole thing off again. So, while physical health and fitness are important and will make you feel better, some means of preventing that momentory lapse, is vitally important. This usually rquires some form of active recovery program.
It only takes the fatal first drink to start the whole thing off again. So, while physical health and fitness are important and will make you feel better, some means of preventing that momentory lapse, is vitally important. This usually rquires some form of active recovery program.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi Oswin,
Everything you need to know is all within your original post in this thread.
You know what happens when you try to moderate and where it leads. You admit it.
Guilt is nothing more than another platform the addiction uses to get you to drink. It's the vicious circle that never ends until you put your foot down. Any negative feeling that can be conjured can and will be used to help you feed the addiction. Stop the cycle, instead of focusing on feeling guilty about what drinking has caused in the past find peace and comfort in the fact that not drinking means you will not have to feel that way ever again.
Finally, a little reality here. D122y posted this:
I completely get this but here's one thing that helped me and made me be real. Is that stupor really all that euphoric? Maybe for some it is. For me it wasn't. The sum total of my enjoyment was the first half of the beer. The warmth of that initial feeling of being buzzed. So what's that, maybe a 5 to 15 minute time period?
Then..........it was all downhill from there. That feeling of comfort and miniscule feeling of euphoria was quickly traded for an uncomfortable grinding that was only squelched by the next beer. I type that and laugh because was the feeling really squelched? No, it was constant. More, more, more, that's all it was. Until I had enough to finally go into a blackout and make an ass of myself, and then pass out. When I drank that first beer I knew the rest of the day was done. It was only going to be me and my beer. Nothing else mattered.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping and cooked some great burgers on the grill. I then watched a movie with my husband that we've been waiting to see. A few years back I would have laughed at the thought of doing this and tell you how boring that would be. Today, I have found appreciation and happiness in the simple things in life. I can do anything I want today because I don't drink. I have found true euphoria.
Alcohol is a liar, you know this. Stop the madness and never go back again. You CAN do this, you know you can.
Everything you need to know is all within your original post in this thread.
You know what happens when you try to moderate and where it leads. You admit it.
Guilt is nothing more than another platform the addiction uses to get you to drink. It's the vicious circle that never ends until you put your foot down. Any negative feeling that can be conjured can and will be used to help you feed the addiction. Stop the cycle, instead of focusing on feeling guilty about what drinking has caused in the past find peace and comfort in the fact that not drinking means you will not have to feel that way ever again.
Finally, a little reality here. D122y posted this:
I crave the euphoric stupor.
Then..........it was all downhill from there. That feeling of comfort and miniscule feeling of euphoria was quickly traded for an uncomfortable grinding that was only squelched by the next beer. I type that and laugh because was the feeling really squelched? No, it was constant. More, more, more, that's all it was. Until I had enough to finally go into a blackout and make an ass of myself, and then pass out. When I drank that first beer I knew the rest of the day was done. It was only going to be me and my beer. Nothing else mattered.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping and cooked some great burgers on the grill. I then watched a movie with my husband that we've been waiting to see. A few years back I would have laughed at the thought of doing this and tell you how boring that would be. Today, I have found appreciation and happiness in the simple things in life. I can do anything I want today because I don't drink. I have found true euphoria.
Alcohol is a liar, you know this. Stop the madness and never go back again. You CAN do this, you know you can.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by Oswin
I'm not sure I can do AA a lot of my anxiety is social so the thought of going in to a room full of strangers scares the life out of me. Any advise welcome
I felt the same way at my first meeting. I managed to stay sober for 17 months then relapsed for 19. As of May I'm back. When I went back to my first meeting after coming back there were so many people who hugged me and there was no judgement. They were truly happy to see me back. I then realized that I had built a sober network that was an important mainstay of my sobriety and I'll never let that go again.
Please, try checking out a meeting. I think you'll be surprised at how very comfortable you'll feel when you start listening.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I strongly suggest doing some yoga--it will help with the physical pain and tension
and also getting some of the emotional stuff out, oddly enough.
The best for me was taking a few classes a week,
but I've also had good luck with some DVDs and online if you can't leave home
due to time, money, etc.
It is pretty shocking how stiff and sore you will be but my neck and back are
so much better now I dropped my chiropractor and do yoga instead.
I also suggest more active recovery work such as short term cognitive therapy,
journaling, getting a hobby going like playing an instrument, learning a language,
and also getting out in Nature hiking, etc. with family, friends, or even alone.
I love trail running on my own the most. . .
I also fell into "moderation" trap and now that I have really made the decision
I cannot and will not ever drink again, I feel much more peaceful and am actually
enjoying being sober and in control of this aspect of my life at long last.
You can do it Oswin--drop the guilt and embrace the living
and also getting some of the emotional stuff out, oddly enough.
The best for me was taking a few classes a week,
but I've also had good luck with some DVDs and online if you can't leave home
due to time, money, etc.
It is pretty shocking how stiff and sore you will be but my neck and back are
so much better now I dropped my chiropractor and do yoga instead.
I also suggest more active recovery work such as short term cognitive therapy,
journaling, getting a hobby going like playing an instrument, learning a language,
and also getting out in Nature hiking, etc. with family, friends, or even alone.
I love trail running on my own the most. . .
I also fell into "moderation" trap and now that I have really made the decision
I cannot and will not ever drink again, I feel much more peaceful and am actually
enjoying being sober and in control of this aspect of my life at long last.
You can do it Oswin--drop the guilt and embrace the living
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Your guilt and fatigue will fade with each passing day of sobriety. Your family will notice your sobriety and you will regain their trust and their respect - if you stay sober. And, not to be too negative but, if go back to drinking, the trust and respect will be lost.
I am glad you are running. It helps to clear your head and cleanse your body. It also will give you some of the endorphin rush that you got from alcohol- but without the guilt and of bad side-effects.
I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
I am glad you are running. It helps to clear your head and cleanse your body. It also will give you some of the endorphin rush that you got from alcohol- but without the guilt and of bad side-effects.
I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sheffield, United Kingdom
Posts: 208
Thanks for all your comments and advise I have started a journal, I think yoga is a great idea, I used to do it in many years ago and think will definitely give it a go again. I will also have a long hard think about AA and starting the CBT properly this time. I know it's not going to be easy but I really want to stop for good and show my friends and family I can change. Especially show my kids a better example of how to exist
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ky
Posts: 2,043
I wanted to just throw in my two cents. My on year anniversary was July 20. I never thought I'd make it but there you go. The people on this site helped me with my emotions and gave me things to think about in the process. I typed and I typed and I got involved in discussions as much and as often as I could. I was very vocal and involved in my home group on this site too and offered encouragement to others which in return helped drill those things into my head. I have done this on my own and I mean no outside help like AA or therapy. Now, my Mom was in Alanon I guess I was probably 8 or 9 and I am 44 now and she still goes. I attended AA and Alanon for many years with the grown ups. I have the literature and I know the drill so to speak. I do have AA and Alanon people in my life that I have had conversations with, that did help too. I do read the literature and I try to go over and study and practice and work on the steps because it is a great outline and offers a guideline that helps me grow in my recovery. There are lots and lots of things you can read up on if you're not going to attend AA or therapy right now. Look up "AVRT"...look up SMART recovery and just google the word alcoholic in general. At least you will have something to guide you and help you until you get to a better place and feel like you have the nerve or whatever it may be to get outside help if you still feel like you need it. I stuffed my brain so full of recovery information and read peoples blogs...so on and so forth...
I also am a quote person:
HALT (a big one)
"When you want recovery as bad as the air you breathe, then you will stay clean." ~Back From The Ledge
"You wanna stop starting over, stop picking it up". ~Backfromtheledge
"It is not how much you drink, nor how long you have drank that determines if you are an alcoholic, it is what happens to you after that first drink that determines if you are an alcoholic."
Plus the ones under my signature here...good luck to you!
Give yourself the chance to be the YOU that you were meant to be. That takes courage! (Hug)
I also am a quote person:
HALT (a big one)
"When you want recovery as bad as the air you breathe, then you will stay clean." ~Back From The Ledge
"You wanna stop starting over, stop picking it up". ~Backfromtheledge
"It is not how much you drink, nor how long you have drank that determines if you are an alcoholic, it is what happens to you after that first drink that determines if you are an alcoholic."
Plus the ones under my signature here...good luck to you!
Give yourself the chance to be the YOU that you were meant to be. That takes courage! (Hug)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ky
Posts: 2,043
PS I used to share this all the time and I still think it's a big key to helping me stay on the path to recovery....
I had to change my thinking, to change my thinking, which helped me change my life.
So true...bless you!
I had to change my thinking, to change my thinking, which helped me change my life.
So true...bless you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
the best advice i have, Oswin, is to get really engaged in sobriety stuff. that's my advice because it worked for me.
what i mean by that, basically, is NOT to wait to come on here until you need help.
come on here daily and read and share, about yourself and with others. say hello. get involved. participating, really immersing, has been hugely helpful.
and if you think you have nothing to offer to others, especially other newcomers, i think you're wrong. many are terrified, for a simple start, that they will get no response if they start posting. when they do, we can be there to say hello.
that is already a help.
terrors at the beginning...yes, i had those. terrors of my first meeting. up there among the top five hardest things i've ever done. opened the door to soooo much!
also, there's some 'normal' stuff it seems most of us go through when starting this sobriety thing, and you might find something useful here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
what i mean by that, basically, is NOT to wait to come on here until you need help.
come on here daily and read and share, about yourself and with others. say hello. get involved. participating, really immersing, has been hugely helpful.
and if you think you have nothing to offer to others, especially other newcomers, i think you're wrong. many are terrified, for a simple start, that they will get no response if they start posting. when they do, we can be there to say hello.
that is already a help.
terrors at the beginning...yes, i had those. terrors of my first meeting. up there among the top five hardest things i've ever done. opened the door to soooo much!
also, there's some 'normal' stuff it seems most of us go through when starting this sobriety thing, and you might find something useful here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by Oswin
Thanks for all your comments and advise I have started a journal, I think yoga is a great idea, I used to do it in many years ago and think will definitely give it a go again. I will also have a long hard think about AA and starting the CBT properly this time. I know it's not going to be easy but I really want to stop for good and show my friends and family I can change. Especially show my kids a better example of how to exist
I spent some time with a high functioning alcoholic friend today. He is in an earlier stage of step 0. Having had the marriage blow up, got some psychiatric help, and wife came back.
He has now decided that life would not be worth living without drink, so he has changed from wine to drinking only beer, and, so far, his moderation strategy seems to be working. He looks a lot better than he did six months ago.
The interesting thing is that the plan he has employed is described in the AA book, and it usually works for a while, sometimes quite a long while. We will just have to wait and see. If it doesn't work out he will be that much the wiser.
I suggest throwing yourself whole heartedly into your plan. That way, if it doesn't bring the result you want at least you will know you gave it your very best shot, and it will be time to try something else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sheffield, United Kingdom
Posts: 208
Had a 10 hour shift last night, which finished at 3 am. Was a busy one but as I was hungover or drunk got through it a lot easier. Got up went for a run. Then me snd my DH took the kids to the seaside which had a carnival. Had a few cravings for a nice cold pint but realised was probably just thirsty so had water instead.
KeyofC
I have read up on AVRT, AA, Sober recovery and have taken a lot on board. AVRT is what interested me the most last time I tried but think I need to look in to it more and use it as a tool to help me. Also I live quotes and have started saving them to my phone to inspire me in my down moments.
Fini
I am reading up on everything to do with sobriety and I'm on this site constantly. I read the link you posted thanks. I have been looking up books to read as well.
Gottalife
With regards to trying different alcoholic drinks been there and done that and like you say it works in the short run but I always ended up back at square one.
I still have that feeling of doom at the bottom of my stomach but I'm ticking this day off as a good day and also 7 days since my last drink. Sugar craving has kicked in like mad though!
KeyofC
I have read up on AVRT, AA, Sober recovery and have taken a lot on board. AVRT is what interested me the most last time I tried but think I need to look in to it more and use it as a tool to help me. Also I live quotes and have started saving them to my phone to inspire me in my down moments.
Fini
I am reading up on everything to do with sobriety and I'm on this site constantly. I read the link you posted thanks. I have been looking up books to read as well.
Gottalife
With regards to trying different alcoholic drinks been there and done that and like you say it works in the short run but I always ended up back at square one.
I still have that feeling of doom at the bottom of my stomach but I'm ticking this day off as a good day and also 7 days since my last drink. Sugar craving has kicked in like mad though!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sheffield, United Kingdom
Posts: 208
Woke up today hangover free. My usual Monday was spent in bed recovering until I start work at 3 pm. I have already done more than I normally would and I'm just about to go for a run.
I am going to draw a proper plan up this week and use it to help me stay sober. Not as tired today and feeling positive. I think one of the reasons I went back to drinking last time was because I thought it would change mine and my husbands relationship. As he is a drinker and a lot of our time was spent drinking or drunk.
If it does change it and we don't make it then our relationship isn't meant to last. But maybe it will change for the better. Either way I can't keep drinking for that reason.
I am going to draw a proper plan up this week and use it to help me stay sober. Not as tired today and feeling positive. I think one of the reasons I went back to drinking last time was because I thought it would change mine and my husbands relationship. As he is a drinker and a lot of our time was spent drinking or drunk.
If it does change it and we don't make it then our relationship isn't meant to last. But maybe it will change for the better. Either way I can't keep drinking for that reason.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ky
Posts: 2,043
I have also used the AVRT the most and didn't realize I was until someone on here pointed it out..
The feeling of "waiting for the next shoe to drop" will pass, eventually. After begin used to things being so filled with drama and not good all the time, it takes a while to get used to the feeling of "ordinary", calm, and good things to happen..to who? Me? Yes that sort of thing.
Keep studying, keep pushing, keep digging...you're worth it! Everything else will come in time once you work on you a bit. People will see you're changing and see things that have changed and you'll be amazed how other things will fall into place. I did have to make amends with people to heal some relationships and some people I did this with, the relationship was too far damaged, but I still owned my part, apologized for any harm my actions and illness had caused them. It's all I can do.
Much, much luck to you and just know that you're not alone. You ever need to pm me, feel free...I can at least offer a shoulder! (Hug)!
PS I had to hold tight to the realization that things didn't get so messy overnight and it would take a while to put the pieces back together. It takes time. Allow yourself time to grasp living a whole new life, in a whole new way, with a whole new you.
The feeling of "waiting for the next shoe to drop" will pass, eventually. After begin used to things being so filled with drama and not good all the time, it takes a while to get used to the feeling of "ordinary", calm, and good things to happen..to who? Me? Yes that sort of thing.
Keep studying, keep pushing, keep digging...you're worth it! Everything else will come in time once you work on you a bit. People will see you're changing and see things that have changed and you'll be amazed how other things will fall into place. I did have to make amends with people to heal some relationships and some people I did this with, the relationship was too far damaged, but I still owned my part, apologized for any harm my actions and illness had caused them. It's all I can do.
Much, much luck to you and just know that you're not alone. You ever need to pm me, feel free...I can at least offer a shoulder! (Hug)!
PS I had to hold tight to the realization that things didn't get so messy overnight and it would take a while to put the pieces back together. It takes time. Allow yourself time to grasp living a whole new life, in a whole new way, with a whole new you.
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