HALT!!!! I didn't have a plan for anger. (It's long, but please read)
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
HALT!!!! I didn't have a plan for anger. (It's long, but please read)
The reason is because I'm rarely angry. I get hungry, lonely and tired often, and I have a written plan for each of those. I always kind of laughed off the anger portion of the acronym because I never thought I'd relapse due to anger. I just don't get that mad anymore. I get annoyed at times, but angry? Last time I was angry was almost a year ago.
Anyway, I found out that my girlfriend who I've been dating for a year had another boyfriend. Now, I was for the most part living with her, unofficially. This is the first girlfriend that I've had that I've told about my alcoholism. We went on our first date over a year ago and within 3 weeks I knew that we were going to have something special, so I came clean with her and told her about my drinking. Now I was very afraid to tell her, but to my surprise she was VERY supportive. It was amazing, she took me to my first AA meeting and even though I haven't been posting often, I've been doing much better than ever. I haven't quite gotten a lot of sober time under my belt, but there is clear progression.
So the weekend after I told my girlfriend about my drinking problem she went back to her ex. I had no idea obviously. Also, it's not that my admitting my drinking caused her to go back to her ex, but it contributed. That would have been fine! I told her that if she didn't want to date me until I had significant clean time, that I completely understood. Well she said no that she wanted to continue dating... and we did... for a year. And she continued to date her ex as well. He had no idea about me, I had no idea about him. I met her family many times, she met my family. She met his family, but he never met her family. He would call her all the time and she would speak to him in front of me in a different language. She told me it was her cousin. Her and I went on a vacation together to a foreign country. We planned on getting an apartment and a dog together July 1st. I found out about her other boyfriend at the end of May by accident. My computer was out of service and I was using hers and I happened to see some evidence of their relationship. It blew my mind. I thought we were on the path towards engagement. My friends and family loved her, her family loved me... and apparently the other boyfriend's family loved her as well. The logistics are mind-boggling considering I would spend 3-4 nights a week at her apartment, sometimes staying for weeks on end. There was not a single sign of the other relationship. She would go to her "parents" house for the weekend and often I was way too busy to come. She's very close with her parents, so I didn't think anything of it that she was visiting them once every few weeks. She wasn't, she was with her other boyfriend. The lies were extensive... she would talk to me when she was with him but he wasn't in the room and tell me things like "Oh my mom says hi!" This went on for an ENTIRE year. The worst part, is that she was the most affectionate person I've ever been with. Constantly showering me with love and telling me how great I am. I used her as crutch to stay sober, she really was a huge support tool for me, and I felt fulfilled and happy in the relationship. In the entire year we had 3 fights that only lasted a few hours to a day. The fights were about me quitting smoking, because I get irritable when I quit nicotine.
So what did I do? She convinced me that she didn't love him and that she would never speak to him again, and she would do anything for us to get back together. I was very stupid. I gave her a second chance because she has been such an integral part to my recovery. Well, we went to therapy together and after a few weeks of very very intense discussion (hours per day), she left and she needed space. So I gave her a month and then last week I contacted her, and she's fully with the other guy. I got so angry. I felt like I was betrayed twice. I felt like we made real progress in the weeks of therapy. I lost my cool and I can say without a doubt that I was more mad than I've ever been in my entire life. The lady at the store said I had a "crazy look in my eye" and I felt crazy. For the first time in my life I felt like I was going to do something very drastic and crazy, and I didn't care about the consequences. I decided that if I was going to go to jail I might as well go drunk, so I went and got a beer, and then 18 more. Needless to say, I didn't do anything crazy, but I did spend 84 hours in bed with the worst withdrawals ever, I barely remember it. It seems like a dream. I had a friend take care of me, but now I'm on my own. I'm single, I don't have a girlfriend as a crutch, but I also don't have a girlfriend as a distraction. I can work on me and only me, and I've got 8 days sober today and I feel great. I also have 8 days without smoking a cigarette or any other form of nicotine. I'm calmer, I have more energy, and I'm more content. I saw two doctors during my first week, I have regular visits with a psychologist, I'm eating healthy, I'm hitting the gym, I'm going to AA, and I'll be posting a lot on SR. I also have a plan if the A in HALT ever strikes again. Thank you so much for reading.
Anyway, I found out that my girlfriend who I've been dating for a year had another boyfriend. Now, I was for the most part living with her, unofficially. This is the first girlfriend that I've had that I've told about my alcoholism. We went on our first date over a year ago and within 3 weeks I knew that we were going to have something special, so I came clean with her and told her about my drinking. Now I was very afraid to tell her, but to my surprise she was VERY supportive. It was amazing, she took me to my first AA meeting and even though I haven't been posting often, I've been doing much better than ever. I haven't quite gotten a lot of sober time under my belt, but there is clear progression.
So the weekend after I told my girlfriend about my drinking problem she went back to her ex. I had no idea obviously. Also, it's not that my admitting my drinking caused her to go back to her ex, but it contributed. That would have been fine! I told her that if she didn't want to date me until I had significant clean time, that I completely understood. Well she said no that she wanted to continue dating... and we did... for a year. And she continued to date her ex as well. He had no idea about me, I had no idea about him. I met her family many times, she met my family. She met his family, but he never met her family. He would call her all the time and she would speak to him in front of me in a different language. She told me it was her cousin. Her and I went on a vacation together to a foreign country. We planned on getting an apartment and a dog together July 1st. I found out about her other boyfriend at the end of May by accident. My computer was out of service and I was using hers and I happened to see some evidence of their relationship. It blew my mind. I thought we were on the path towards engagement. My friends and family loved her, her family loved me... and apparently the other boyfriend's family loved her as well. The logistics are mind-boggling considering I would spend 3-4 nights a week at her apartment, sometimes staying for weeks on end. There was not a single sign of the other relationship. She would go to her "parents" house for the weekend and often I was way too busy to come. She's very close with her parents, so I didn't think anything of it that she was visiting them once every few weeks. She wasn't, she was with her other boyfriend. The lies were extensive... she would talk to me when she was with him but he wasn't in the room and tell me things like "Oh my mom says hi!" This went on for an ENTIRE year. The worst part, is that she was the most affectionate person I've ever been with. Constantly showering me with love and telling me how great I am. I used her as crutch to stay sober, she really was a huge support tool for me, and I felt fulfilled and happy in the relationship. In the entire year we had 3 fights that only lasted a few hours to a day. The fights were about me quitting smoking, because I get irritable when I quit nicotine.
So what did I do? She convinced me that she didn't love him and that she would never speak to him again, and she would do anything for us to get back together. I was very stupid. I gave her a second chance because she has been such an integral part to my recovery. Well, we went to therapy together and after a few weeks of very very intense discussion (hours per day), she left and she needed space. So I gave her a month and then last week I contacted her, and she's fully with the other guy. I got so angry. I felt like I was betrayed twice. I felt like we made real progress in the weeks of therapy. I lost my cool and I can say without a doubt that I was more mad than I've ever been in my entire life. The lady at the store said I had a "crazy look in my eye" and I felt crazy. For the first time in my life I felt like I was going to do something very drastic and crazy, and I didn't care about the consequences. I decided that if I was going to go to jail I might as well go drunk, so I went and got a beer, and then 18 more. Needless to say, I didn't do anything crazy, but I did spend 84 hours in bed with the worst withdrawals ever, I barely remember it. It seems like a dream. I had a friend take care of me, but now I'm on my own. I'm single, I don't have a girlfriend as a crutch, but I also don't have a girlfriend as a distraction. I can work on me and only me, and I've got 8 days sober today and I feel great. I also have 8 days without smoking a cigarette or any other form of nicotine. I'm calmer, I have more energy, and I'm more content. I saw two doctors during my first week, I have regular visits with a psychologist, I'm eating healthy, I'm hitting the gym, I'm going to AA, and I'll be posting a lot on SR. I also have a plan if the A in HALT ever strikes again. Thank you so much for reading.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
Hi Serper!
I'm sorry about the relationship difficulties, but you seem to be handling things wisely. Congratulations on eight days!
I think if you get your own life in order you will find a person to be with. Just give it time!
I'm sorry about the relationship difficulties, but you seem to be handling things wisely. Congratulations on eight days!
I think if you get your own life in order you will find a person to be with. Just give it time!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Glad you are back and Congrats on 8 days Serper. Many of your past posts and drinking issues seem to stem from various relationships you've been in. Perhaps you might take a break from that burden while you work on yourself first? Even "good" relationships are stressful and require compromise, and sometimes it is best to make sure we are emotionally ready ourselves first before taking on that responsibility too.
Glad to hear you've been proactive and seeing doctors/therapists..that will pay dividends in the long run too.
Glad to hear you've been proactive and seeing doctors/therapists..that will pay dividends in the long run too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Glad you are back and Congrats on 8 days Serper. Many of your past posts and drinking issues seem to stem from various relationships you've been in. Perhaps you might take a break from that burden while you work on yourself first? Even "good" relationships are stressful and require compromise, and sometimes it is best to make sure we are emotionally ready ourselves first before taking on that responsibility too.
Glad to hear you've been proactive and seeing doctors/therapists..that will pay dividends in the long run too.
Glad to hear you've been proactive and seeing doctors/therapists..that will pay dividends in the long run too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Glad to hear you're back on track despite the difficulties. Sounds like she's quite sick. You know, we tend to attract people who are as sick as ourselves. Hopefully as you recover and get well you will attract less sick people.
I would suggest using the resentment prayer to help deal with any lingering anger that surfaces from time to time, and keep up the good work.
I would suggest using the resentment prayer to help deal with any lingering anger that surfaces from time to time, and keep up the good work.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 1,486
Ouch!that's terrible,they do say to not get into relationships for at least a year of being clean,supposed to put your recovery first,anyways congrats on a week AF/NF,that's wonderful and please don't let her back in your life you don't need that kind of drama or a crutch, I wish you strength.
in this together
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