Accountability and Connection for Pixus.
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Accountability and Connection for Pixus.
Hello!
I'm 28 days sober and I've been spending most of my free time on this site, reading the archives plus the new posts. I realised I haven't felt like I have a right to contribute or connect on here much because I haven't read any stories like mine so far, which is silly.
The main thing I've realised is that I feel like I have no right to talk about how many days I've been alcohol free because my pattern is to be easily sober for 6 months or so, and then to have five to ten days drinking heavily and then stop, feel terrible for three/four days and then have another six or more months sober. I guess I don't feel like the days during that six months are an achievement because I don't find them hard. I don't crave and I feel great during that time with barely a thought about alcohol. But I do know what's coming, or what is potentially coming, in six months or more and that's why I want to stay connected to this site by participating more and keeping a record of my situation.
I know I've progressed in some ways. I used to drink regularly and I've also been through the hellish 'lets attempt moderation' years, so this is certainly a step up from all that I guess. But when I have my breakdowns they're horrendous emotionally and physically and I just don't want to put myself or my partner through that depressing stuff anymore.
So here I am. I'm hoping to write about the days ahead and keep a track of what's going on for me leading up to the usual relapse time so I have a chance to head it off at the pass before it blindsides me. I look forward to connecting with more lovely people from here and if there's anyone whose been through anything similar to this pattern of mine, I'd love to hear from you too.
I'm 28 days sober and I've been spending most of my free time on this site, reading the archives plus the new posts. I realised I haven't felt like I have a right to contribute or connect on here much because I haven't read any stories like mine so far, which is silly.
The main thing I've realised is that I feel like I have no right to talk about how many days I've been alcohol free because my pattern is to be easily sober for 6 months or so, and then to have five to ten days drinking heavily and then stop, feel terrible for three/four days and then have another six or more months sober. I guess I don't feel like the days during that six months are an achievement because I don't find them hard. I don't crave and I feel great during that time with barely a thought about alcohol. But I do know what's coming, or what is potentially coming, in six months or more and that's why I want to stay connected to this site by participating more and keeping a record of my situation.
I know I've progressed in some ways. I used to drink regularly and I've also been through the hellish 'lets attempt moderation' years, so this is certainly a step up from all that I guess. But when I have my breakdowns they're horrendous emotionally and physically and I just don't want to put myself or my partner through that depressing stuff anymore.
So here I am. I'm hoping to write about the days ahead and keep a track of what's going on for me leading up to the usual relapse time so I have a chance to head it off at the pass before it blindsides me. I look forward to connecting with more lovely people from here and if there's anyone whose been through anything similar to this pattern of mine, I'd love to hear from you too.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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You have as much right as anyone else to talk about your struggle Pixus.
The details, or even the manifestations, may differ but the basics are the same - we're all fighting addictions and we're all here for help
D
The details, or even the manifestations, may differ but the basics are the same - we're all fighting addictions and we're all here for help
D
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Thanks Dee and Soberwolf! I'm feeling so much more optimistic about lasting recovery since I've made this site my 'new facebook'. I'm especially enamoured with the 'friends and family' section at the moment. My partner has never really made me feel bad about my drinking or talked much about the impact it has on him, so reading other peoples experiences has helped me take even more responsibility than I was.
Lately I've had a bit of a situation where I'd usually have made decisions that weren't good for me. My middle boy has a friend at high school who he's known since he was 5. This boy has a mother and grandmother with mental illness and physical disabilities and I've tried helping the family numerous times in the past, but always ended up getting hurt and over extended which has left me vulnerable.
A few days ago this boy called me in a state and asked me to come pick him up as he couldn't handle it at home anymore. So I did and we looked after him for three nights. He's been feeling suicidal and is refusing to go home. Normally this would've kicked me into rescue gear and I would've started setting the wheels in motion so that we could end up fostering him. But this time I didn't go down that road even though he was intimating he'd like to live here.
This time I worked with the family and he's now staying with his aunt and they're looking into ways he can remain in the family with better support. I was able to overcome my desire to fix everything myself, even though it would've placed strain on me and my family, and ultimately it worked out better for this boy too. So I'm feeling proud of myself for being able to recognise what was happening for me and stop it before it took hold.
There's been a few more instances too, where I've wanted to jump in and offer help or service, but I've been able to pause and check in with myself first and make a choice based on whats best for me, rather than a choice that appeases my need to 'fix' everything, but ultimately leaves me feeling manic and vulnerable.
Things are looking up!
Lately I've had a bit of a situation where I'd usually have made decisions that weren't good for me. My middle boy has a friend at high school who he's known since he was 5. This boy has a mother and grandmother with mental illness and physical disabilities and I've tried helping the family numerous times in the past, but always ended up getting hurt and over extended which has left me vulnerable.
A few days ago this boy called me in a state and asked me to come pick him up as he couldn't handle it at home anymore. So I did and we looked after him for three nights. He's been feeling suicidal and is refusing to go home. Normally this would've kicked me into rescue gear and I would've started setting the wheels in motion so that we could end up fostering him. But this time I didn't go down that road even though he was intimating he'd like to live here.
This time I worked with the family and he's now staying with his aunt and they're looking into ways he can remain in the family with better support. I was able to overcome my desire to fix everything myself, even though it would've placed strain on me and my family, and ultimately it worked out better for this boy too. So I'm feeling proud of myself for being able to recognise what was happening for me and stop it before it took hold.
There's been a few more instances too, where I've wanted to jump in and offer help or service, but I've been able to pause and check in with myself first and make a choice based on whats best for me, rather than a choice that appeases my need to 'fix' everything, but ultimately leaves me feeling manic and vulnerable.
Things are looking up!
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Thank you SW
I think one of the things I'm learning too is that my desire to fix things actually isn't very respectful of people and their ability to fix things themselves. It's almost a bit arrogant to jump in and assume that I have the answers and the ability to make everything better. I'm learning in my social work course that it's much more useful and important to support people to find their own answers. I've always known this stuff in theory, but my lack of boundaries and lack of self-care practice, has meant I haven't always been able to put it into action.
It's liberating to accept that I don't have all the answers and that I'm not always the best person to sort out a problem!
I think one of the things I'm learning too is that my desire to fix things actually isn't very respectful of people and their ability to fix things themselves. It's almost a bit arrogant to jump in and assume that I have the answers and the ability to make everything better. I'm learning in my social work course that it's much more useful and important to support people to find their own answers. I've always known this stuff in theory, but my lack of boundaries and lack of self-care practice, has meant I haven't always been able to put it into action.
It's liberating to accept that I don't have all the answers and that I'm not always the best person to sort out a problem!
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Well yesterday I ended up in a bit of a slump. It started after I dropped my youngest to school and decided not to go in and do reading with the kids in his class like I usually do for half an hour on Friday mornings. I really just wanted a morning to myself, but it kicked off this feeling of guilt and depression that I couldn't quite shake all day.
I think I find it very difficult to give myself permission to stop. I rarely let myself enjoy a day off, always feel like there's things I should be doing, cleaning, organising etc. On my days off I'll often end up totally rearranging rooms, doing a massive spring clean and decluttering which can end up going until midnight.
I think one of the reasons I use alcohol is as a way to stop. It gives me a few days respite from all the things I think I should be doing and forces me to relinquish control of the house.
I need to work on ways to allow myself to do nothing sometimes.
I think I find it very difficult to give myself permission to stop. I rarely let myself enjoy a day off, always feel like there's things I should be doing, cleaning, organising etc. On my days off I'll often end up totally rearranging rooms, doing a massive spring clean and decluttering which can end up going until midnight.
I think one of the reasons I use alcohol is as a way to stop. It gives me a few days respite from all the things I think I should be doing and forces me to relinquish control of the house.
I need to work on ways to allow myself to do nothing sometimes.
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It was hard for me to learn that time for myself was not selfish...but I've finally learned the lesson, after crashing time and again, that wearing myself into the ground is no good for anyone
D
D
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So true. I think the guilt I feel about the binge propels me into manic 'doing'. I want to bury it as fast as possible. But this time I'm keen to listen to what it was trying to tell me in the first place, before I even drank.
I keep reading about the alcoholic cry of "but I need something to look forward to!" and I can really relate to that one at the moment. I've kind of forgotten what it is I actually enjoy. I've been mostly focused on kids and partners needs and desires for the last 22 years, and now I'm trying to remember what it is that I like to do. Alcohol often used to be a reward and escape after fulfilling everyone else's needs. Now at the end of the day there's nothing except telly and hugs on the couch with my guy. Don't get me wrong, it's lovely and I'm mostly happy, but sometimes I'd like something else to look forward to. When I try and think of all the possibilities for that time of night, nothing really grabs me.
I think I need to accept that the evenings are going to be quiet. I wish I was the kind of person who enjoyed planning and going on holidays or something. But that just looks like more work to me as I'm the main worker when it comes to the kids and household type stuff. Anyway, I'm rambling and the day awaits. Hope everyone's enjoying another sober day xxx
I keep reading about the alcoholic cry of "but I need something to look forward to!" and I can really relate to that one at the moment. I've kind of forgotten what it is I actually enjoy. I've been mostly focused on kids and partners needs and desires for the last 22 years, and now I'm trying to remember what it is that I like to do. Alcohol often used to be a reward and escape after fulfilling everyone else's needs. Now at the end of the day there's nothing except telly and hugs on the couch with my guy. Don't get me wrong, it's lovely and I'm mostly happy, but sometimes I'd like something else to look forward to. When I try and think of all the possibilities for that time of night, nothing really grabs me.
I think I need to accept that the evenings are going to be quiet. I wish I was the kind of person who enjoyed planning and going on holidays or something. But that just looks like more work to me as I'm the main worker when it comes to the kids and household type stuff. Anyway, I'm rambling and the day awaits. Hope everyone's enjoying another sober day xxx
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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Give yourself a little time. It took me at least 3 months to have any idea of who sober me was, let alone what sober me enjoyed.
Have faith that you're doing the right things and that everything will be revealed...perhaps not now, but in time
D
Have faith that you're doing the right things and that everything will be revealed...perhaps not now, but in time
D
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Thanks Dee, I will
I think I might need to shake things up a bit and go and try something new. I need a passion thats outside of the home. A woman cannot be sustained by clean surfaces and healthy school lunches alone!
I think I might need to shake things up a bit and go and try something new. I need a passion thats outside of the home. A woman cannot be sustained by clean surfaces and healthy school lunches alone!
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Pyxis I wanted to let you know I can relate to a lot of what you posted on here. I am also a binge drinker and can go many months without drinking. But when I do I suffer the consequences of my actions. I also like you to come a little manic afterwords and try to bury the incident by being over productive and helpful to other people and neglecting my own needs. I have 33 days today. I recently repainted my bedrooms upstairs and although I do think it looks wonderful and was much needed I find myself wondering what what now? I also really think you're doing a great job of setting boundaries and I'm very proud that you were able to resist the urge to fix that young man situation on your own. Keep posting I'll keep following you and hope that you are doing well and enjoying a lovely weekend. Also moods go up-and-down I found in early recovery. To be expected.have you ever tried yoga or an exercise class outside of your house just a way to get you outside of the family in on your own doing something for yourself?
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Well I'm in hospital. I have had intense stomach pain over the last couple of weeks on and off, I have gallstones so I just figured it was an attack. But it kept coming back and this morning it was horrendous and didn't stop so here I am. They gave me a morphine injection, yuck, and I've had x-rays. It looks like accute pancreatitis from the gallstones. The bingeing on alcohol in the past would've exacerbated it too. So glad I haven't drunk in awhile, could've killed me. Big wake up call.
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Thanks Dee! In some ways I'm glad this happened. Things feel more serious. Before this happened I was always aware of what COULD happen, cancer,chronic illness etc. But it was easy to brush it off, things like that can happen to anyone, maybe Im one of those types that can get through scott-free healthwise! But Im not feeling that way much now.
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Originally Posted by tate9685 
Pyxis I wanted to let you know I can relate to a lot of what you posted on here. I am also a binge drinker and can go many months without drinking. But when I do I suffer the consequences of my actions. I also like you to come a little manic afterwords and try to bury the incident by being over productive and helpful to other people and neglecting my own needs. I have 33 days today. I recently repainted my bedrooms upstairs and although I do think it looks wonderful and was much needed I find myself wondering what what now? I also really think you're doing a great job of setting boundaries and I'm very proud that you were able to resist the urge to fix that young man situation on your own. Keep posting I'll keep following you and hope that you are doing well and enjoying a lovely weekend. Also moods go up-and-down I found in early recovery. To be expected.have you ever tried yoga or an exercise class outside of your house just a way to get you outside of the family in on your own doing something for yourself?
I have looked into local yoga classes and I'm hoping it brings me a new focus.
I'm off to follow you now. So good to feel less alone in this pattern
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