MindGames

Folks - I am posting for the first time today, but I am a long time lurker.

My problem was mainly wine and at some point I convinced myself that it was basically just an interest and deep love for wine - not a drinking problem. After a very competent and extremely persistent therapist tried to open my eyes to it, I decided to try cutting down, which is when I discovered that I could get blackout drunk as easily on cheap beer as fine wine.

Fast forward 3 months in to being sober now (after a few failed attempts), my mind seems to be playing games with me. I am beginning to wonder if I really have a problem after all. I went through a lot of **** in the last 6 months, including losing a job, moving to a new country briefly and then finding a job again. So now I am thinking it was all just the added stress. Anyone would drink more when faced with a job loss, right? If I could go a hundred days without drinking then may be its not a problem after all? May be a nice glass of wine won't be so bad? Why do I need to deny myself something I enjoy so much?

Has anyone experienced thoughts like this?

Any shared experiences are highly appreciated. I think I am experiencing a no-one-can-understand-what-I-am-going-through type feeling, especially today, which I know is the hallmark of the addicted brain So that alone if anything should tell me this is my addiction speaking.

Behan

Hi Mindgames,

Apt name, given what AV tries to do to us all on this site. Everyone at all stages of recovery has these kind of thoughts. Your brain is just looking for ways for you to give yourself permission to drink again. Are all the positives you outline connected with drinking actually true? Play the tape to the end. What happened to you before with drink will happen again. There is no such thing as a stress free life.

Congratulations on your sober achievements so far and well done on posting here. Think about the positives in your life now without drink. Remind yourself.

My best wishes,

B

Dee74

I think rationalising down our past drinking is very very common - almost universal, I'd wager....

I confused abstinence for control many times.

I realise now I felt good because I stopped drinking - not because I somehow gained control, or reset myself.

I know that because every time I went back to drinking I ended up at square one again - or worse.

Don't fall for it MindGames

D

MindGames

Thanks Behan and Dee. That validation was much needed.

I think my AV has tried to come up with every sort of rationalization in the book. And I have met folks in AA that have gone through something similar and it helped make me feel like I am not alone.

Now, my brain is trying to tell me I am not one of them at all! All those poor folks suffer so much because they have the disease, but me? naaaaah. LOL

Dee - Thanks for sharing that bit about abstinence and control. That is very self aware of you.

For me, saying no to that first drink has always involved less angst and agony than the constant struggle with every single drink once I start, no amount ever being "enough" till I pass out, constantly thinking about when I can start drinking again and of course the god-awful hangovers

2ndhandrose

Do I ever NOT miss this ^^^^^^^^^^^^ not one bit! That was my drinking in a nutshell. shudder

Welcome MindGames, to the best place ever for understanding, knowledge, support, kindness and help with a recovery plan.

uncorked

MindGame, it doesn't matter whether you call it a disease or not. If alcohol is creating problems in your life then you need to stop drinking. Your post demonstrates the problem I have with calling a problem drinker an "alcoholic" with a "disease." Most people can rationalize their drinking by telling themselves they're not "that bad" and they're not an alcoholic. I could ALWAYS found people who's problems with alcohol were worse than mine, thereby justifying my continued drinking. Crap, even when I got to rehab I was telling myself things like, well, at least I don't drink all day long like that person. Or, at least I'm not drinking AND addicted to opiates. You can't compare yourself to anyone else. If drinking is negatively impacting your life, you should probably stop.

MindGames

This was exactly the kind of thinking that made me go back to drinking each time I did. It's funny how we all go through the very same stuff in our own way!

I have stopped now though, since April 2nd, 2016 and I am going to try to make sure this time I don't let my addictive voice talk me in to picking up a drink again.

Thank you so much for your message!

endlesspatience

You're lucky to have done some travelling and to get a new job. You're also lucky to have seen things from a whole new perspective during your 100 days or so of not drinking. Are these really stressful things? I see them as being learning opportunities for you and a chance to grow. Image how much better you will be able to cope with challenges or even real stress now that you've made all this progress and have got all that wonderful support from AA people.

For their sake, for our sake, for your sake, don't give in to the idea of drinking at this point because you're a lovely inspiration to lots of people.

LadyBlue0527

Have we experienced thoughts like this? They should make "Maybe it really wasn't a problem after all" the basic alcoholic/problem drinker's slogan!

It's the beginning of the mind trying to come up with one million and one excuses why it would be ok to drink again.

It's been said on this board that a relapse starts long before the actual drink is taken. If I had to vote on the question that is at the forefront of the whole process leading us back it would be that one question.

This should go off in our heads every time that question comes up.

Gottalife

In AA we talk about this a lot. It has probably happened to most of us, feeling that after a period of sobriety, we should be good to go.

It is the obsession of the mind returning. It is a simple thing this obsession. It is just the thought that this time we will be able to drink like other people. This time it will be different.

For some reason yet unknown, the logical sane thoughts and memories of how it turned out the last few hundred times we tried, seem to be easily put to one side in favour of the insane idea that this time will be ok. For the real alcoholic, it never is.

Dee74

Only in hindsight MG

D