2muchpain

I gotta stop the pain. Can't find a way pass it. Every day gets worse. Keeps eating at me. Don't know why. It just won't go away. Can't eat, can't sleep. Posted on another thread what was bothering me hoping it would help. Texted a friend about it. Just the same old story. Sounding like a broken record. Need a break. John

Soberpotamus

What's going on, John?

2muchpain

Tired of reaching out and being ignored. Angry at myself for making the same mistake and opening old wounds. Tired of being treated like a ghost, like a non person. I just wish someone would say or do something to let me know they actually see me. John

Forward12

Have you tried going to an AA meeting?

ScottFromWI

I see you John. And I know you are almost always a very level headed, intelligent person. You are considerate and always willing to help others here on SR. What can we do to help you now?

Dee74

Hi John

Feeling pain because of rejection was always a big one for me too. I didn't have much self esteem and I tended to find my validation in my relationships with others.

And, while my self esteem may have been low, I had some pride too. It hurt when I felt rebuffed.

It took a fair amount of time and a lot of work for me to find value in myself, and to realise a rebuff usually means more about the other person than it does about me.

I realised I was a good man, and I think you are too John. Your kindness shines through in your posts.

Don't let yourself be discouraged. I think there's a place for you in this world with people who understand you and love you for you, just as I know there's a place for me

D

2muchpain

Without going into a lot of boring details, yes, been going to AA for a long time. That's part of the problem. That place just reminds me of how unimportant I am. Actually some time away from that place will do me some good. Might go to speakers meetings, but that's about it. John

FaithfulAndFree

I totally understand the feeling. Although I'm unsure if it's a valid feeling or me thinking that everyone hates be as much as I hate myself at times. I'm taking steps to figure out why I have these feelings. And valid or not, get myself to a place where I'm okay with just me. But you are not invisible, we see you, hear you, and have been you. Let us know how we can help.

least

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I like you!

2muchpain

Thanks Dee. I think I still do make some difference when I'm working, but the truth is, the only place I seem to belong besides work is in my apartment. I know this to shall pass. It'l just take time. Meanwhile, I need to relax. John

Soberpotamus

I see you as kind and intelligent, too, John. I am sorry you're in pain still. I really hope things get better for you around others.

I keep wondering if maybe it's the groups you happen to be in, and not so much you.

Are you looking into other meetup type groups besides recovery ones?

2muchpain

Thanks but what I need is probably just a good cry and start remembering how lucky I am to have what I have. But even with that, it's hard feeling like I'm invisible. It will take time. I'll get through this, hopefully without too much damage. John

SoberLeigh

(((John))); I am so sorry that you are feeling so down.

We are your friends; I know that isn't the same as IRL but we are real and are very fond of you.

2muchpain

I've looked into "meetup groups" online, and there are plenty of those, but most have something to do with drinking at one point or another. But to be honest, I'm going to consider it anyway. Anythings better than this. I know it will probably end up in a full blown binge, but at least have some good times for a while and maybe find people I have something in common with other than drinking. I really don't know what else to do. I've tried the sober life, doing sober things by myself and that helps. I've tried for many years being sober through AA, and that hasn't worked even though I did all they asked. Maybe it's time to look for a compromise and see if that works. I know I'm missing something. Maybe that's it. I'd rather fight and try and die rather than sit back, feel sorry for myself and end up six feet under. John

Soberpotamus

I think there are plenty of groups not centered around alcohol. But yeah, I know what you mean ... it seems wine drinking is at the book clubs, drinking going on after running/racing or hiking, etc.

I know there must be some groups not centered around drinking.

Can you see yourself joining in and just not drinking?

If you think it's going to compromise your resolve to stay sober, by all means, don't go. But at some point, you might feel strong enough or settled in your own sobriety enough to tolerate others having drinks nearby.

silentrun

Hey John, it's a beautiful hot day in the twin cities. How about you go for a walk and see what that gets you. You are plenty personable and I hope your AV isn't trying to convince you that you would be better off a drunk.

Those activities and friends may include occasions to drink but that doesn't mean you have to have alcohol at those times. Lots of people turn down alcoholic beverages, it's no big deal.

awuh1

I could certainly be wrong, but it seems to me that you are suffering from a fair amount of depression. This depression could have been generated by the relationship issues or perhaps only aggravated by it but it's something I would address first and foremost. Mood disorders can take on a life of there own. They can color the way we see things to the point that they are self perpetuating.

They often require professional intervention. Fortunately there is a great deal of help available through the mental health community.

As I said, I might be wrong but I think it worth looking into.

2muchpain

Unfortunately my resolve to be around people that like me and accept me as part of their group is stronger than my resolve to drink. I'm sure many people on SR understand that. It's like when I was into drugs. Most people loved seeing me. Most of them came and went, but some stayed and we became good friends. Unfortunately this doesn't work with AA. If I drink and die being around people that are drinking, versus not drinking and being alone, I choose to drink. To me that's a no brainer. Nobody would choose the being alone part. Let me put it this way. If I hung around some drunks for a while, versus hanging around some people from AA and I died, the drunks would be the people that would show up. Sometimes I think it's the drunks that understand better than the people that go to AA. I know for a fact that if I asked for help at a meeting, I'd get nothing back. Those meeting are full of self centered people that only care about themselves and their friends, yet say they are open to lending a helping hand to others.
John

EndGameNYC

I'm sorry to read about your troubles, John.

I agree with awuh. What you've been describing since I've known you on SR seems chronic and persistent, and it seems to have gotten worse with time.

Many people have biases against therapy, and many of those people are precisely the ones who can most benefit from long-term work.

People who convince themselves that they are "bad" typically do bad things. This is most obvious among children. They then draw plenty of negative attention which, in turn, reinforces their bad behavior.

People who are suspicious or paranoid give people around them more than just a passing glance, sometimes staring, while always surveiling the immediate environment. This inevitably draws attention from those around him, essentially confirming his suspicions that people are watching him.

And people who see themselves as invisible do invisible things, things about which they areonly dimly or rarely aware, but which also rarely go unnoticed. Theses unconscious signals tell people that he WANTS to be left alone. Doesn't matter how much effort we make to form interpersonal connections and then getting dissppointing results. The pattern itself demands that we recognize that we are seriously missing something in our transactions.

Of course none of us likes to hear this, but the conclusion that everyone else is self-centered phonies is untenable. It's a lesson that I and many others have had to learn in order to live a better life after putting down the drink.

You're sober. Now is the best time to get the help you need. The only thing you have to lose is your loneliness.

strategery

Many groups can involve drinking. The thing is that most people don't care if you drink or not. If the group gives you crap about not drinking, it's probably not a group you want to be a part of any ways.

I think what you're needing to change is the thinking that if you don't drink, people won't like you. People here like you, so I don't see why other people wouldn't like you. Sometimes it just takes time and getting involved.