bettersurvival

Greetings everyone,

I have been on this forum before a couple times in the past as different usernames...this was a few years back. I have tried many times in the past to quit drinking and just put alcohol behind me. I really can't seem to do it. I have tried to quit on my own, I have tried AA, I have tried working out, B-vitamins, psychoanalytic stuff, asking for help from God and even Scientology/Dianetics (I am somewhat of a Scientologist...though not affiliated with the Church of Scientology as they are a problematic organization IMO).

The last couple times I tried quitting drinking, I made it 47 days and then, while using AA, I made it 60-some days. One thing I have noticed is that a real depression seems to set in at around 40-some days and this depression just does not seem to go away. Then once I finally crumble and give in, the depression lifts. When I made it 60-some days, I did not get much craving at all to drink...however, what I did notice is that I got seriously depressed. I skipped out on a few days of work because of my being in such a horrific mood, I actually couldn't stand it. I even tried going to work, but then found that around midday through, something would trigger me to lose my temper and then I'd have to calmly say "I don't feel well" and leave...that happened a few times until I got a warning that I can't keep doing that. In a nutshell, I completely hate my job (I used to love my job, but they've made so many changes to my job that it has gotten progressively worse to the point where I completely hate it).

The reason I am joining this forum and writing this stuff is to improve my life (Survival Dynamics). I am writing this stuff so that it is documented somewhere and so that other people can read it and comment on it and give a little bit of life to this. If I just write something down without having others read it, I could easily crumple up that piece of paper and throw it in the trash and what I wrote down won't have much effect. If others read what I wrote and comment on it, then there is a certain livingness that is added to these words. My goal is not to convert other people to Scientology or anything like that...it is just to keep myself sane and improving my life.

Current drugs: Caffeine, Nicotine, Cannabis, Alcohol, Exforge (A non-psychotropic blood pressure medication)
Current diagnoses: Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, Dysthymia, Hypertension

Current Weight: 187lb-My goal is 165.
Current savings: 10,849.51 Net Worth-My goal is $25K
Current job: Call center representative (I want a better job with a better income).
Current hobbies: None at this point (I need to get into writing, working out, videography...the stuff I used to enjoy).
Current relationships: Single (I would like to have a nice girl in my life)
Meaning in life: Is low right now. (Goal: Helping others, teamwork, learning, enjoying life more, winning at life)
Safety/Health-Risk: Compromised--due to too much drugs too often. (Goal: Return to safety).

Life=A game (Freedoms, Barriers, Purposes, Power-of-choice-over-participation)

Purposes: To win at life's dynamics: 1st dynamic-self, 2nd dynamic Family, 3rd Dynamic Groups/Teams, 4th Dynamic Mankind, 5th dynamic Plants/Animals, 6th Dynamic The Environment, 7th Dynamic The Spirit, 8th Dynamic God/Infinity

Barriers:
*Inhibiting beliefs that may need to be addressed that I am unaware of
*Not many friends who use drugs/alcohol in relatively healthy acceptable ways or who abstain.
*Biology--possible mental health issues.
*Current barrier identified: I tend to fall into "modes"--if I have a few drinks, then I often drink too much and then start using pot and nicotine and also quit working out (especially with using pot) and also stop eating healthy.
STABLE (will not change) DATUM (singular for data): I need to focus on doing better every single day in all of the choices I make rather than 'snapping' in 'being good mode' and 'being bad mode.' Each day, I need to be focused on participation in winning at life and avoiding loses

Freedoms:
*Participation in this forum so as to get interaction and increase the ARC reality of what I am doing
*Participation in exercise
*Participation in Smart Recovery, Moderation Management, AA, Sinclair Method, Psychiatric drugs, Counseling, Church.
*Participation in hobbies/activities
*Participation in looking for a better job
*Participation in dating/looking for a date

Purposes:
To win and not lose at life's dynamics.
If I hurt my health, that will be a 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th dynamic loss.
If I get a DUI or harm someone, that would be a 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th dynamic loss.
By not getting in better shape, I am not winning on my 1st dynamic.
By not getting a better job, I am not winning on my 1st and 3rd dynamics.
By not participating in my hobbies, I am not winning at my my 1st and 3rd dynamic.

Power of choice: Stable datum: Power-Of-Choice is what I have. However, I have greater and lesser degrees of power-of-choice depending on the circumstance.

Stable datum of all Drugs/Toxins: The dose makes the poison (poison being defined as contrasurvival to my dynamics). This varies by circumstance and individual.

Stable datum: Marijuana use is a contrasurvival activity when I am trying to get in shape and am looking for a job. Barrier: Drug tests, diminishing of Power-of-choice when it comes to eating healthy and exercising. Any dose of marijuana therefore considered contrasurvival while these conditions exist.

Stable datum of alcohol: The dose makes the poison. If the intake of alcohol is outside health guidelines, then any dosage of alcohol above the guidelines is contrasurvival. Depending on dosage and time-to-recover, a dosage before operating heavy machinery is contrasurvival. Power-of-choice over behavior and further alcohol consumption may become diminished upon consumption of a significant dosage of alcohol being consumed resulting in any significant alcohol consumption being contrasurvival. This varies by person and circumstance.

Stable datum of nicotine: The dose makes the poison. The ideal level of nicotine is zero. The health effects of vaping are largely unknown. Therefore the ideal situation is to quit nicotine.

Stable datum of a cycle (a cycle is a period of time with a beginning, middle and end). It could be a second, a minute, a day, a year, whatever. In sobriety, people say "one day at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time"....this could be summed up by saying "one cycle at a time." The goal of any given cycle is to win and not lose.

My plans/Goals:
*Give up pot right now. This needs to be done now as it is key in improving my survival dynamics.
*Eliminate contrasurvival alcohol use. This will be done either with abstinence or moderation. The US Govt guidelines will be the stable datum of the consideration of moderation.
*Eliminate vaping in the future. Nicotine use does not present an immediate threat to my survival dynamics. At this time, I will allow nicotine use, but I will look into quitting when I feel I can.
*HONESTY with myself and on this forum: I will report how everything is going. I will report all drug/alcohol use honestly. I will report how I have been progressing in my activities. I will write something on this forum every day.
*Exercise: I will exercise every day.
*Look for a better job.
*Hobbies: Getting involved with my hobbies.
*Finances: I will start saving $$$ in as many ways as I can

Stable datum of the ideal state: Happy, healthy/safe, in-control, free from all drugs.

Problem with counting days as a measurement of success: The longer you go without drugs and then relapse, the bigger the loss is. If a person strings together 50 days of abstinence and then relapses, he had 50 wins of the considered cycles (days) and one loss. I figure that if I keep track of my cycles and focus on winning as much as possible and get better and better at it, I will improve things.

I am into Scientology and I am taught that life is a game where the goal is to win according to your survival dynamics in any given cycle. My goal with always be to participate in life so as to win in as many cycles as possible.

Right now, I just had my first win: I threw out my stash of pot and its associated equipment.

ABSOLUTE STABLE DATUM: Report on this forum every day honestly (even if only for a few mins). Identify goals/purposes, Freedoms, Barriers and Power-Of-Choice over participation and then plan and execute the plan for my day.

The point of sobriety (or moderation): Improvement in safety, survival, fitness, $, self-respect, health and the livingness of life.

Today I am going to get a work-out in, clean up my apt a bit, make some food for lunch at work tomorrow (so I save $$ by not buying at work) and then report my wins/losses, freedoms/barriers. Today I will not drink or use pot, but I am allowing nicotine use and caffeine use (caffeine has never been an issue).

If my logic is flawed, please let me know. Please also note that by using this forum, I am trying to help myself and others achieve better survival and livingness in life. We are all in this together.

Dee74

Hi bettersurvival

If you're like the rest of us, the idea that you have any control over your alcohol intake may be flawed.

You also may be underestimating the effect of alcohol in the overall scheme of things, even if you do manage to keep it to whatever the health guidelines are.

When I drank I wanted pot, and vice versa.

If that's a relevant observation for you too, you might want to consider abstinence in everything?

D

bettersurvival

Abstinence is not something I can really do and stick to all that easily. For example, yesterday I "resolved" to quit pot, but then I get invited over to a friend's house and I have three beers and three puffs of pot. I am considering it both lose and a win. Normally, I would have had a whole bowl and then would have bought more and then smoked even more. (I said I'd be honest about everything I did). I am not going to kick myself....it was both a win and a lose.

Had I been on a serious abstinence resolution, I would smoked more and drank more (because I already caved)...but I didn't.

I think addiction is like a Chinese finger-trap...I can't just pull it off (I've tried that numerous times). Instead, I need to work on getting better and better and better with the ultimate goal being abstinence.

I recognize drugs for what they ultimately are: Vices. Toxins

Abstinence may or may not occur. What doesn't work is this all-or-nothing thinking and this powerlessness thinking. I went to AA for two months and fell in the worse depression of my life...partially because I missed using and mostly because my sponsor had me list ways in which I was powerless. Then, once I was out of AA, I drank even more than I usually did, smoked more pot than normal and quit working out and quit eating healthy.

I need to gradually put better things in my life as I ease back more and more on my drug intake. One thing that was interesting last night is that I did not worship my stoned/intoxicated state last night...I stayed mindful of the fact that I was putting toxins in my body and that the euphoric feeling was drugs messing with my brain.

IDK. Today I am going to focus on getting my work-out in and getting with my work-out buddy (a friend of mine). She is even referring me to a psychologist.

I am not going to hit rock bottom and then drag myself into AA. I am going to work on gradually improving every aspect of my life and learning on seeing alcohol/pot for what it really is.

doggonecarl

Not so much flawed, as lacking.

You cite depression as the reason you relapsed. You mention it four times in the second paragraph, but not again. And not in your "plan" for survival. So what are you going to do when the depression strikes again?

uncorked

Survive or thrive? If you just want to survive, keep doing what you're doing. But if drinking/weed is creating a problem in your life, you probably need to quit. Only then can you achieve everything you want and thrive. But you already know this or you wouldn't be asking us. :-)

Look, I totally get where you're coming from. I could never imagine life without alcohol. That's why it took me 10 years to do something about it. And AA is not the only way to achieve sobriety. AA doesn't work for everyone. It didn't speak to me. But there's Smart Recover, Rational Recovery, LifeRing and others.

I wound up going to a non 12 Step rehab and it was the best decision I ever made. The place I went to stressed empowerment, living in the present rather the past or future and trusting your intuition. In fact, alcohol and addiction wasn't even brought up that much. I've been sober for almost 9 months now and I feel much more in control of my life now that alcohol isn't clouding my judgement or behavior.

Only you can decide what you want from your life. Btw, if your depression is crippling, alcohol certainly won't help. It's a depressant. You might want to see your doctor, there are medications that can really help.

Dee74

yeah that was pretty much my point about why it was important for me to stop everything and change my life.

You can call that all or nothing thinking if you like, but nothing changes if nothing changes (I'm not in AA/NA by the way, but the statement's a true one.)

I wanted to live my life without the least possible change and not have the negative effects.

I didn't find a way to do that and I still don't know how you, or anyone else,
might do that now.

As long as I was living the life and drinking/smoking - at any level - the chance of change was non-existent.

D