Past Regrets
 

Lately I have been dwelling on the past a bit. Not so much the drinking itself and my actions then (I do shake my head at those as well) as much as it is the in between sprees/drunks/binges, what have you.

I think back about how I talked and treated people and how up and down I was. I was miserable and people that didn't deserve it got a good amount of that misery brought their way. There are still times that come where I think about the relationships I ruined through my choice to let alcohol take the driver's seat.

Though I'm better now I still pray each day that I'm forgiven for my shortcomings and the effect that they had on others.

This isn't me kicking myself necessarily. Just wanted to share here since it's been a lingering thing on my mind lately.

I don't know, not unhappy but not extremely joyous either. Hard to explain.

Hope everyone is well and progressing in their recovery.

Take care.

Attend some AA meetings and start working the steps. They very specifically help you deal with this issue.

AA helped me deal with past regrets, and helps me deal with anxiety about the future.

Sounds like the growth of a heart, restoration of spirit... :) I had a momentary wave a few months back, the word that came to mind was 'contrition'. All the things they told me when i arrived on this planet...be nice...share...sigh

Been not especially a BAD childhood, but sure as heck a long one.

Ya I'm taking guidance from AA too...how to make peace and put things right...thing is, though, while i can envision a loving ideal while sitting alone, once i get my boots on i suddenly discover there's people i still want to punish first :) They have to suffer more ! Lol.

which dawg you feed

In early sobriety (first 3 to 4 months) I found myself feeling just like this for awhile. As I continued to work on myself, go to counseling, rebuild bridges with my family and those that are closest to me I started to truly forgive myself and move past dwelling on the past. I continually go to counseling, check in with my psychiatrist and substance abuse counselor, volunteer, go to church, and work on myself and because I am always moving forward, I have been able to come to terms with the friendships I have ruined and the people I have let down. Do I wish I didn't hurt people? Of course, but I need to keep moving forward no matter what. Dwelling in the past can be a recipe for disaster.

Keep moving forward. Your emotional strength and growth is shining through your post. Sometimes the past can haunt us, but as long as we are changing and moving forward we don't need to dwell in it.

Thanks everyone, sorry for the late reply. I attend AA regularly and its a great help. It was just something that I share but it happened to be on my mind more prominently the day I posted this.

Thank you for your support!

I can totally relate. I haven't done the steps or AA.. but on day 19 I'm realizing some of the things I have done. It's so weird, that I find myself trying to dissociate like that couldn't have been me. For the first time in a long time, I went food shopping w my own money. When I was drinking, my dad would give me 20 dollars a day for food...obviously went to wine. If I got hungry, would have to shoplift to eat something. This is a store where everyone knows me and adores me. How could I do that? I'm a horrible person!!! Then I realize how out of control I was, and remember with sobriety I will never have to do that again!!

I often have those moments were I think of something cringe-worthy that I did while drinking (and believe me, there is A LOT) and I literally feel my face form a look of pure disgust. But I don't dwell on it. I was a different person then. I prayed many, many times for the ability to forgive myself. Now, I thank God for the peace in my heart.

Hi TNT -- from your profile, you've been sober a while.

My experience so far is that the periods when I reflect on the past -- maybe to an extent some would call dwelling, but I think just intensely reflective -- they're a way of learning for me. Unfortunately, as an active alcoholic I didn't learn the lessons I should have done from actual experience. So now I have to resolve through contemplation, and often conversation with other alcoholics, what normal people would have resolved on the spot.

It's kind of painful, sometimes. But I don't do it often -- it comes on me in spells. Mostly it's when I notice something in myself or others that I never saw before, and I say to myself, "Self, why didn't you ever understand that before? Oh, because you were always half in the bag. Ok, no more not dealing -- time to think about why you turned away from that little part of life." So bit by bit I try to compile all the connections I refused to make before.

Thanks for bringing up this topic.

:wavey:

I struggled with those kinds of feelings for a long time. I think that the brilliant Maya Angelou said it best — 'I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.'

I'm really sorry. I think a lot of us have these feelings. I did some awful things while I was drunk (I sent someone very close to me to jail after I started the fist fight). The memories are horrid. It's hard not to dwell on them. I hope to get far apart from those memories. If anything, I think time will help.

Going through this myself... Thinking about you

The best amends to offer friends and family is ???
 

Most if not all recovering drunks deal once sober with the wreckage of their past. The working of the AA Steps has helped many to recover and helps one put a Program of making amends into action. Others may find their answers in the bible and attendance in church. I have known many who have been successful with either one or both of the above. Both have worked very well for me.

The best amends to offer friends and family -- us staying sober today.
Then we just watch the sober days and years add up.

Good luck,
M-Bob

Thanks everyone for your perspective. Doing well at the moment.

Just had one of the lulls for a brief period.

I agree, I know we all have that point that we recall the past wreckage we caused. I guess with a clearer head and making strides forward it just amazes me how I was towards people and how I acted (crazy and inconsiderate)

With God, the meetings, the steps and this community here I'll be cool.

It was like getting something off the chest at that moment that I would typically of shared at a meeting. Great feedback from everyone. Thanks a lot!