Messed up: I made it 5 months but...
 

It's been a while since I messed up, but I just though I should log in and let everyone know that I'm a failure. First drink was on my 5 month sober date, June 11 2016. Thought I could handle it "socially"? NOPE. It didn't start out bad... a couple beers on the weekend.. but now I'm hiding liquor again... only drink at night.. but its been almost every day this week. I'm disappointed in myself but I feel a sense of freedom at the same time. I was so stressed about not drinking and once I did I knew I had that option again and it was weight off my shoulders. A lot of crap has happened and now I am $10,000 more in debt than I was, so that's probably what set me off. I cant keep doing this though. Boyfriend has caught on a tiny bit about the problem coming back, he knows I've had the beers every now and then, but again... I'm hiding liquor. The anger is back. I have a high stress job that is completely underpaid for what I deal with.. and I deal with people verbally harassing me (call center) so I can't just go off at any second on a random person. My boyfriend has an engagement ring for me in his dresser. It's gorgeous. And now I'm not worthy of it. I suck. He's gonna be home any minute and smell this watermelon schnapps on my breath. I deserve what's coming to me. He'll probably pawn the ring and leave. At least he hasn't asked my dad yet......
So there's the story of how I messed up. The end.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. You are not failure! You know you can do this right? Stop drinking, and start putting one foot in front of the other again. Move forward.

I don't have any good advise about the job situation. I quit my stressful job in February (spontaneously) and so glad I did!

I'm sorry to hear you're down but don't be too hard on yourself. Be proud you managed 5 months sober and just try to get back on track. I am seriously trying to give up competely for the first time having tried and failed many times to moderate my drinking. It always ends up in hidden bottles and regret. You're not alone so chin up and best of luck!

I'm so sorry your struggling. You are not a failure, 5 months is a huge accomplishment. You can only fail if you don't give it a try. Hopefully, you want sobriety and you can continue living a sober life. The debt is going to be there with or without the alcohol. I am sure you will pay it off easier w out the extra expense of alcohol. I am rooting for you :)

ooo i could use the job...got a wee $10k hole here myself to patch...

'no effective mental defense against that first drink' 'in time as bad as ever'

'The obsession that we can control and enjoy our drinking, we pursue this illusion into the gates of insanity and death'

The alcoholic has lost the power of choice in drink'

Nothing we can do about it.

bah yeah right

:)

The part of your post about the call center hit home. I used to work in one. I know exactly what you mean. The job is simply having people yell at you all day. I was drinking after work too, the anger and stress from the callers was too much. Once management found liquor bottles in the bathroom, but could not pin it on anybody. It was not me, but the stress for everyone was a killer. If you can, find another job where you are treated better. It will help you in your efforts to stop drinking. I was very happy to leave my call center job. It is not good to try to deal with personal problems when your job is so difficult emotionally. Just my two cents. Good luck!

Wicket - I did the same thing once. I had 3 yrs. sober & decided to be a social drinker. It was a nightmare that lasted for years. You came back to talk things over and try again. Not a failure. :hug:

Keep talking to us and let us know how it goes. We're with you.

Thanks for your honesty, Wicket. Coincidentally today is 5 months sober for me, and this is a good reminder of what would happen to me if I picked up a drink. So you helped me today. Now forgive yourself and start over. Failure is not failure if you learn something from it. We're here for you :grouphug:

My last relapse came after I'd been sober six months. :( I felt awful, like a loser, a failure. :( But I tried again, and have been sober well over six years now. It can be done! :) Don't give up. :hug:

Wicket, you are not a failure, you have an addiction like most of us here. I agree with ZenLifter, forgive yourself and start over. I am wishing you the best.

A lot of people who have years of sobriety achieved it in fits and starts. Don't be so hard on yourself! Staying sober for 5 months is a HUGE accomplishment. Tomorrow is another day. You can do this!

Your not a failure - reprioritise your plan bud

The story of how you find a happy sober life will be a much better read.

How does it start?

Drinking might help alleviate the stress temporarily but it only makes things worse in the end. Still you had five months of continuous sobriety. That's pretty good. My first five months I only achieved 20ish continuous days at best. So start again. You'll save money and with the extra time on your hands you can start looking for a new job. You can do it. Just take small steps

[QUOTE= I'm disappointed in myself but I feel a sense of freedom at the same time. [/QUOTE]

I get it. Been there and done that. Sober for a while and then the exquisite sense of freedom that instantly follows the relapse. How fantastic it is to not have to deal with the burden of not having a drink

Unfortunately that sense of freedom never lasted long for me. Very quickly the burden of knowing that alcohol was utterly wrecking my life would take over.

Getting sober will free you. Free from the fear of getting caught. Free from all the other bad stuff that will inevitably follow.

And you are DEFINITELY not a failure! You've already managed 5 months which is a huge achievement :c011:

You really can do this

This is very familiar to me. I had nearly 8 months and then mowed then lawn and went out for a burger and movie. I saw the beer and thought that I am feeling strong and if I have a problem then I will quit again. I just had one and everything was okay for awhile. Actually a few days. That first week I ended up getting drunk once. Then as the time went on it got worse and I was back on the managing crusade and hiding my usage from my family. I didn't get as bad as I was before I quit for the first time because I was trying my best to management it but still drank nearly every night and got drunk once a week, sometimes two. This started almost two years ago (when I had that one beer after mowing). Anyway.. now I am starting a new job on Monday and have been trying to quit for the last month. I have only drank twice in the past month, one was a drunk and the other was 2 beers. Look though, we have to quit for good. We have had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol and we can never drink like someone who hasn't been through what we have. We will also go for the drunken buzz. It is what we want. Get help and support. I am also thinking of going to some meetings and my wife is supportive. Don't let this go on for the next two years. It is avoidable for both of us. We just have to commit.

How's it going today, Wicket? Thinking of you.

Wicket, I'm very sorry to hear about your stress and struggles. I hope that today is going better.

I am very grateful for your post--as someone who has gone back to drinking after several month patches of sobriety (and am back at it, on day two), you remind me that I need to stay vigilant.

One thing I have been thinking a lot about is creating a plan when the stress arises. If drinking is off the table forever, there have to be alternatives for dealing with those hard days and those inevitable disappointments. I'm actually off for my third walk today with the puppies :)
Sending you good thoughts...

Hi wicket - I don't think you're a failure either :) If it was easy to stop, we wouldn't need places like SR.

I think you should cut your losses tho - the longer you drink, and the longer you try and keep it secret, the greater the chance that everything is going to come crashing down around your ears.

I would come clean with your bf - but thats me, it's a decision only you can make.
What you absolutely need to do though is stop drinking and make a day one.

Hoe did you get and stay sober last time? :)

D