Question: Infatuations
 

Do you think the alcoholic has a tendency to develop infatuations for other people a lot?!

Reason I am asking is that I have a tendency to develop crushes very quickly and quite obsessively. I just wondered if its part of our make up or whether Im just a bunny boiler ha ha x

I think alcohol gives you a false sense of connection with people. I know for myself, when I'm drinking and around people I'm far more open and confident. It's the part of me I like bringing out when I drink. And I feel i need it to be social and likeable, which is the problem.
So yes, I think crushes / friendships can be formed more easily and with less caution when you are under the influence. But in my experience, when sober, it's not all its cracked up to be. A lot of the relationships I've had that have formed through alcohol have often been toxic...

great question! good to see you exploring what makes you tick.

to answer your question, YES, some people find these infatuations as addictive as a drug. the anticipation, the rush, the romanticizing. the OOOO, SHINY!! of it all. chemicals swooshing around, synapses firing left and right.

the journey of recovery is one of maturing out, moving beyond those immediate wants and needs. learning how NOT to rely upon a person, place or thing to make us feel good. no longer seeking an escape.

i think the bunnies are safe! :)

That makes sooooo much sense!! Oh dear, I do have a crush on someone tho, I try not too but its there - im really watching myself tho as I know how obsessive it can be and trying to keep grounded and know that this is just my head seeking it out in the same way I would of done alcohol. Im glad the bunnies are safe tho lmao!!!

I think alcoholics struggle with balance in general. We tend to live at the extremes with many things

Indeed!

I think this is one of the ways we could also shift the focus off from ourselves; especially in early recovery. For me, I think relationships in general are challenging. In my recovery I'm learning that I don't play very well with others in the sand box :)

I also think it depends on age, but I could be wrong...

This was always true for me, since I had such a negative opinion of myself and was always trying to escape, if not through booze, then through sex, or a relationship. Hell, two of the women I lived with (when I was younger) began as drunken one night stands! But basically anyone who showed any interest in me made me feel a bit better about myself...

No, it's a separate issue IMO.

I think that many of us have a tendency to act out with other things that give us some feeling of instant gratification. Lots of people who are addicted to alcohol or drugs also have problems with gambling online, shopping, sex, relationships, eating, etc. We take something that can be a positive (or at least OK) thing and because we get obsessive, turn it into something that it damaging. Just like with alcohol. Like my AA sponsor said you me: "why do you think there's a whole section of inventory work just for relationships?"

Someone told me that in early sobriety (and again if not working my program properly) some of my alcoholism can come out sideways, and I can start scrabbling for things that will distract me from my self and my responsibilities or problems. Sometimes this can manifest itself in people starting to gamble, or abuse their prescription drugs. Sometimes they might blast their credit card buying a bunch of luxury stuff they just don't need. AND sometimes they can attach themselves to an person and get infatuated. This can be especially worrisome in early sobriety when we're not yet strong enough to deal with the roller coaster of emotions it sends us on, or recognise that their behaviour isn't healthy or fair. It's a kind of objectification that we do. Wanting someone for what they can be FOR US, rather than what we can give or do for them. Sandy Beach did an excellent AA talk around fear and sex (not as two things combined, the talk covered how both things affect us). Clancy as well has talked about our infatuation, and how we build people up to be 'the one' and think they're absolutely perfect and wonderful, and then as soon as they do something to demonstrate that they're just normal humans after all, we feel betrayed. I certainly recognised myself in both of their talks.

I can't find the Sandy Beach one at the moment but will have another look later. It was on this website somewhere though I reckon... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!

https://youtu.be/CRUvuh4FrVA This is the Clancy one

Omg yes, that feeling you get if someone shows an interest, it is addictive, but for me bloody dangerous as Im married!!! I had a four year long infatuation with someone and it drove me insane, I so need to watch myself at the moment with my current "crush" I cant go there!

Thanks for sharing this, I found your post particularly helpful x Thank you x x x

Thanks everyone for sharing, Its made me realise I still have more work to do on my recovery x x x Thank you it means a lot x x x

BTW. CoDa helped me work through some of this stuff. Mostly through reading their handbook and then some subsequent reading on codependent behaviour and recovery, but I did go along to some of the meetings as well. It was interesting two me just how many AAers are double-winners in this respect when I saw a few people I already knew at the CoDa meetings. It's another 12-step group so the format would be familiar to you if you ever felt like exploring it.

I disagree. In fact, in 50,000 years of human history no one has ever disagreed with another thing as much as I disagree with this. I never ever ever ever ever ever go to extremes.

;)

I don't think one has much to do with the other. But I don't believe in codependency and all that stuff, either. It depends on your personality and a lot of other things. There is some science behind the rush of new love though. A new crush activates endorphins, the"feel good" hormone which in itself can be addictive. That effects everyone who falls in love, not just people who drink too much.

Yeah,I've always developed crush after crush even long before I started drinking, I think it was a distraction from life or just the giddiness of it

What????
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xgjtm4_M20

That does make sense! Being an addict I get addicted to ANY feel good feeling, which in turn I suppose makes this whole kind of thing reallllly easy to fall into. Thats my understanding of why I develop these insane unrealistic, escapism infatuations. It has made me look deeper to who I am as person and understand my behaviour x