Looking at life....
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Looking at life....
Hello again... its been a while!
I though everything was going to be ok, and I was ignoring you guys as I didn't want anyone to tell me that I have a problem and drink too much, I wanted to live the free, happy drinkers life... what a big fat lie...
After a massive bender last night to' celebrate' the end of term, I kind of feel maybe its time to face up again, I don't want to waste 6 weeks being drunk when I could be happy and healthy...
SO, How do I feel.... blank .... not that suicidal, or depressed or happy or sad or remorseful or much at all really....
I don't think I can be sober for long, I am resigned to hopeless failure... disappointment will be here as sure as I will be unable to stay sober. But I am going to give it a crack!
I almost have reigned myself to the early death and sad crap that is the rest of my life, the endless work and criticism, washing and fetching and shopping and ploughing on till the bitter end.... alcohol gave me something to do that wasn't work, its an easy hobby....
But I'm not sure I really, really want to drink till I die.. my kids would be sad I suppose!
Wow... I can ramble on, sorry.... any thoughts gratefully received!
Enfin x
I though everything was going to be ok, and I was ignoring you guys as I didn't want anyone to tell me that I have a problem and drink too much, I wanted to live the free, happy drinkers life... what a big fat lie...
After a massive bender last night to' celebrate' the end of term, I kind of feel maybe its time to face up again, I don't want to waste 6 weeks being drunk when I could be happy and healthy...
SO, How do I feel.... blank .... not that suicidal, or depressed or happy or sad or remorseful or much at all really....
I don't think I can be sober for long, I am resigned to hopeless failure... disappointment will be here as sure as I will be unable to stay sober. But I am going to give it a crack!
I almost have reigned myself to the early death and sad crap that is the rest of my life, the endless work and criticism, washing and fetching and shopping and ploughing on till the bitter end.... alcohol gave me something to do that wasn't work, its an easy hobby....
But I'm not sure I really, really want to drink till I die.. my kids would be sad I suppose!
Wow... I can ramble on, sorry.... any thoughts gratefully received!
Enfin x
Never Again
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 62
No judgment here Enfin. It took me 30 years to realize that I'd finally had enough. I presume that you are significantly younger than me, and all I can say is that my life would have been totally different had I come to grips with my disease when I was in my 20s, or 30s. Life looks like a dead end from where you stand today. I wish that I could switch brains with you for a few minutes so you can see what it looks like looking back 30 years with regrets. Sobriety, like life, is a one-day-at-a-time thing. Wishing you the best.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Got a massive party to take the kids to this avo, already been sent pics of the booze stash she has in for the adults. ...
Dunno why I'm on here really as there is no point in me making false promises, hoping I can quit, pretending I want to be sober, when I can't be... so sorry for wasting your time. ..
Dunno why I'm on here really as there is no point in me making false promises, hoping I can quit, pretending I want to be sober, when I can't be... so sorry for wasting your time. ..
Never Again
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 62
Again, no judgments here. You're here because you want to be sober. No apologies necessary. There is no easy answer, and we've all been in your shoes. Keep posting. If you fail, dust yourself off and start over. Thoughts regarding the massive party. "Not really feeling all that well today. I think I'll just have some water, etc, etc." Good luck to you Enfin.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,916
You describe some deep and depressing views about your future without alcohol. A lot of it sounds like fear, fear of "X" happening, fear of "Y" happening, etc.
Anxiety about the past, and fear about the future are two things I learned to deal with better in AA. Truly living life "one day at a time" really helps with that.
A lot of days I have serenity. That feeling is much better than what you are going through, and AA helped me discover that. Maybe that would work for you?
Anxiety about the past, and fear about the future are two things I learned to deal with better in AA. Truly living life "one day at a time" really helps with that.
A lot of days I have serenity. That feeling is much better than what you are going through, and AA helped me discover that. Maybe that would work for you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by Zebra1275 
You describe some deep and depressing views about your future without alcohol. A lot of it sounds like fear, fear of "X" happening, fear of "Y" happening, etc.
Anxiety about the past, and fear about the future are two things I learned to deal with better in AA. Truly living life "one day at a time" really helps with that.
A lot of days I have serenity. That feeling is much better than what you are going through, and AA helped me discover that. Maybe that would work for you?
Anxiety about the past, and fear about the future are two things I learned to deal with better in AA. Truly living life "one day at a time" really helps with that.
A lot of days I have serenity. That feeling is much better than what you are going through, and AA helped me discover that. Maybe that would work for you?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
What about inpatient rehab? It is what did it for me. In addition to getting sober it was also really good to get away from all of my responsibilities (it is possible) and get intensive psychological and psychiatric help.
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Inglind
Posts: 610
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
What about inpatient rehab? It is what did it for me. In addition to getting sober it was also really good to get away from all of my responsibilities (it is possible) and get intensive psychological and psychiatric help.
effin, have you tried getting refferred to the community addiction team if you have one in your area?
Or you can refer yourself to a local authority recovery team (used to be turning point, but think they have broken up into smaller local authority groups now)
It's still a wait, but not as long as for rehab.
From your first post, you said you had read everything etc, I think I know the most in the world about alcohol and it's effects and treatments, but didn't know how to apply it to myself!
Like looking and thinking about changing my socks, reading about it, researching it, but not actually getting up, finding a new pair and putting them on!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by fripfrop
If you have 18 months to spare sitting on a waiting list in England, unless you are super-rich! haha
effin, have you tried getting refferred to the community addiction team if you have one in your area?
Or you can refer yourself to a local authority recovery team (used to be turning point, but think they have broken up into smaller local authority groups now)
It's still a wait, but not as long as for rehab.
From your first post, you said you had read everything etc, I think I know the most in the world about alcohol and it's effects and treatments, but didn't know how to apply it to myself!
Like looking and thinking about changing my socks, reading about it, researching it, but not actually getting up, finding a new pair and putting them on!
effin, have you tried getting refferred to the community addiction team if you have one in your area?
Or you can refer yourself to a local authority recovery team (used to be turning point, but think they have broken up into smaller local authority groups now)
It's still a wait, but not as long as for rehab.
From your first post, you said you had read everything etc, I think I know the most in the world about alcohol and it's effects and treatments, but didn't know how to apply it to myself!
Like looking and thinking about changing my socks, reading about it, researching it, but not actually getting up, finding a new pair and putting them on!
I have had the local addiction counselling .. u get a once a month appointment and it was fairly useless... didn't really help. ...
I think maybe a counsellor of some kind might, I do like to bury the problems under a mask of booze! !!!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by graciepearl
You are not wasting our time. We are all here to support one another and we have all tried and failed and tried again. Don't give up!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
when the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality and i gave myself the choice of AA or suicide, i chose AA- just giving it 3 months and if nothing changed i was taking the other choice.
3 months of work on myself and something started changing. although still some depression, hopelessness, and fear, i wasn't hating myself as horribly as i was at the beginning.
so i kept going back, kept working the program, and kept not drinking.
best choice i ever made.
sobriety has been awesome.
3 months of work on myself and something started changing. although still some depression, hopelessness, and fear, i wasn't hating myself as horribly as i was at the beginning.
so i kept going back, kept working the program, and kept not drinking.
best choice i ever made.
sobriety has been awesome.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm sorry you are still in this dark place, enfin.
I now have been sober this time for over 28 months. It's not too late for you to have the happiness and serenity that I have found by getting it out of my life. Every day I am just grateful for the way things are. I don't even think gratitude was in my vocabulary when I drank. I felt like I was being sucked down into a swamp when I was still drinking.
AA is a great idea - there is so much wisdom in those rooms; and it's free. I hope you find your way before it's too late. This is a fatal condition, enfin. It's not going to get better.
I now have been sober this time for over 28 months. It's not too late for you to have the happiness and serenity that I have found by getting it out of my life. Every day I am just grateful for the way things are. I don't even think gratitude was in my vocabulary when I drank. I felt like I was being sucked down into a swamp when I was still drinking.
AA is a great idea - there is so much wisdom in those rooms; and it's free. I hope you find your way before it's too late. This is a fatal condition, enfin. It's not going to get better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by tomsteve
when the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality and i gave myself the choice of AA or suicide, i chose AA- just giving it 3 months and if nothing changed i was taking the other choice.
3 months of work on myself and something started changing. although still some depression, hopelessness, and fear, i wasn't hating myself as horribly as i was at the beginning.
so i kept going back, kept working the program, and kept not drinking.
best choice i ever made.
sobriety has been awesome.
3 months of work on myself and something started changing. although still some depression, hopelessness, and fear, i wasn't hating myself as horribly as i was at the beginning.
so i kept going back, kept working the program, and kept not drinking.
best choice i ever made.
sobriety has been awesome.
Maybe it's time to start to face up to my selfish little problems and pull myself together! !!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I'm sorry you are still in this dark place, enfin.
I now have been sober this time for over 28 months. It's not too late for you to have the happiness and serenity that I have found by getting it out of my life. Every day I am just grateful for the way things are. I don't even think gratitude was in my vocabulary when I drank. I felt like I was being sucked down into a swamp when I was still drinking.
AA is a great idea - there is so much wisdom in those rooms; and it's free. I hope you find your way before it's too late. This is a fatal condition, enfin. It's not going to get better.
I now have been sober this time for over 28 months. It's not too late for you to have the happiness and serenity that I have found by getting it out of my life. Every day I am just grateful for the way things are. I don't even think gratitude was in my vocabulary when I drank. I felt like I was being sucked down into a swamp when I was still drinking.
AA is a great idea - there is so much wisdom in those rooms; and it's free. I hope you find your way before it's too late. This is a fatal condition, enfin. It's not going to get better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Originally Posted by enfinthechange
Just looking back at the repetitive nature of my posts.... since March 2014 I have been trying and failing to stop drinking .... what a saddo. ...
I am not going to say it was easy, but I am going to share it is worth it. The first few weeks I planned out every moment of the time I would normally be drinking. I avoided places/parties that would be tempting in early days, recently I have been fine in wvcironments where others are drinking, although I always have an escape plan in place in case it gets to be too much.
I stopped drinking at 45, if you stop now you can have three years sobriety by the time you turn that age.
Continuing to log on here tells you that there is a big part of you that wants to be sober. I know you can do this.
Start today with making the choice not to drink at the party, or perhaps you can drop your kids at the party and pick them up after. If you decide to stay, there are lots of reasons not to drink: you are driving, you are on a health kick, or simply "no, thank you," I'm looking forward to seeing you check in sober later on today!!!
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Inglind
Posts: 610
Originally Posted by enfinthechange
Brilliant analogy! !! Love it...
I have had the local addiction counselling .. u get a once a month appointment and it was fairly useless... didn't really help. ...
I think maybe a counsellor of some kind might, I do like to bury the problems under a mask of booze! !!!
I have had the local addiction counselling .. u get a once a month appointment and it was fairly useless... didn't really help. ...
I think maybe a counsellor of some kind might, I do like to bury the problems under a mask of booze! !!!
The community addiction teams used to be quite good, once a week and could go to group councelling on top of that if you wanted.
But again, with the government killing the NHS..don't know if any of those teams still exist
Take care
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