courage2

I learned on this forum to post post post when needed, so I'm taking my own medicine.

I've been prepping fiendishly and under considerable personal, professional, time and ego-pressure for a first-time-ever, 5 week-long event that started yesterday. Nothing many of you on SR haven't done before-- I've noticed we have a lot of serious Type A's on this forum. But I really haven't done something like this before. I kept my head seriously in a bottle for a long time.

The good news is the first 2 days went really well for all concerned!

The other news is ... for all but me. The committee in my head is reliving a lot of mistakes in my planning & execution, some trivial & some not so much, most witnessed by a crowd, most in front of people I respect who won't forget them.

This afternoon at a particularly unraveled moment, I said to one of my assistants -- yes, in sobriety I have a lot of new responsibilities and I have assistants too -- "at the end of the day I'm going to pour myself the biggest cup of coffee and just sit." And she said, "why not a drink?" Then she said, "Seriously, S. B., why not a drink?"

I told her that when I hit 50, I quit drinking. Completely? Yes. End of conversation. She filed it -- she's 22 but no dummy

Well I wouldn't be posting this if the whole day and that moment hadn't provoked some intense feelings & thoughts. Jeez, I wish I were drinking. Jeez -- it was me that took that off the table. Not an option. Wow, what did I do to myself?

Why do I get so stressed about these things? I mean, I d-i-s-s-o-l-v-e. A puddlous Snark Bunny.

Some of it is, this life I lead, it doesn't suit me. It's not a good fit. For decades, I allowed myself to slide into places I didn't like and drink my way through them. Now I'm stuck at the bottom of the last slide, and my sober self doesn't much like the landscape.

I'm fine, I'm what passes for happy in my world, I'm certainly better off than when I was drinking.

But I could have been better. It's a damn shame.

If you're young and have a problem w/alcohol or drugs, get help now! The sooner you quit, the fewer "might have beens."

... and yes, I'm very grateful for the chance to be, now.

trachemys

Hindsight is always 20/20, cou. Put the flail away, take off the hair shirt. You are better today for the choices you've consciously made. Be happy.

JD

You know courage, despite having regrets I bet you made a pretty good life for yourself. There's no going back so be grateful for what you do have. I know there's things I should have done better but I have made positive changes to enjoy the last third of my life. It's never too, but you are right, it's better to nip this problem in the bud sooner rather than later.

silentrun

We are still kind of young I think SnarkBunny. I don't know why you think you are on the last slide or stuck on it. Who knows about these things anyway?

Gottalife

I got sober at 22 and I agree with everything you guys said. I heard the same message when I was 21, and rubbished it. I was never gonna be like you.

But I was more like you than I realised. I was already well into the last third of my life. If I had continued drinking, the doctor told me, I would not see my 24th birthday.

Forward12

Alcoholism is a slow growing monster. You don't see many getting sober in their 20's as they don't realize how horrific it is.

Soberpotamus

I got sober for a year at age 27. Tried to quit a few times in between then and age 35. I must've been really bad off to start quitting in my 20s.

Courage, I always love what you have to say, and especially those reflections on yourself and your own life.

I can't help but feel you've accomplished a lot that was worthwhile. Anyway, I admire you and hope you aren't too down on yourself for the direction your life has gone.

dwtbd

How much of the committee in your head are still in residence from the group that would represent a threat to my medicine cabinet? There has to be some better angels in that group now, hope they rally , sounds like they have five weeks minus only like what a day, two at best?

fantail

I find you very inspiring -- I hope that if in a few decades I find myself in a career path I'm not sure is a good fit... which could very well happen even stone sober... I'll be muscling the ambition to organize multi-week events that challenge me on many levels. Not to trivialize the negatives. But you're handling it like a bad lass.

BarOwnersSon

Good luck with your event Courage2. And maybe try to be more kind to yourself. Us 50-somethings, with years and years of regrets, have to look out for one another. We are stronger and more brave than we give ourselves credit for. How else did we dig ourselves out of this black hole of alcoholism after all of these years? Sending good thoughts your way and wishing you the best.

kittycat3

You could have been better?

I like you just the way you are you are just perfect.

courage2

Thx for the support, my friends

It's just a bad night inside my head. What does it sound like when delusions of grandeur start pointing fingers?



I need ice cream & a meeting!

IvanMike

I relate.

One of the most difficult things we do in recovery is to learn how not to define ourselves by our past. Perhaps even more difficult is to learn that we are not stuck, and we can still live up to our potential in the time we have left.

I've been thinking a lot about something my sponsor said, either quoting or paraphrasing the late Pat Summit. - "Don't let the person you are today determine the person that you can be tomorrow."

Soberwolf

kittycat3

Nice quote ivanMike