Joyful and Terrified
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 12
Joyful and Terrified
Hi all, so glad to have found this forum.
I have been trying to stop drinking permanently since 2007. I have used many approaches: 12 step, CBT, 1:1 therapy, intensive IOP. In 2010 I had a year plus of abstinence. Then my world kind of spun out of control with a very horrible, abusive divorce. In 2012 I got 2 back to back DUI's. I briefly lost custody of my kids due to this. I did months of therapy and random testing and regained custody. My relationships with my kids (now older teens) has been mostly strong.
I was sober for almost 4 years. In January I once again started to have increasing financial and family tensions. I didn't keep up with my program and the urges crept in. I started dabbling in moderation on the days my kids were with their dad. Then last week my drinking, once again, spun out of control and I got drunk on an airplane (very embarrassing) and was told by TSA I had to call a family member to pick me up and the only one who could was my 19 year old daughter. She, of course, was disgusted and upset and my exH is once again threatening to take custody of my other younger teens (15 and 15).
This was one week ago. I have restarted therapy and have called many of my sober friends to come to my support. I feel stronger.
Today I received the letter I'd been waiting for for the past 3 years. I am now done with my 3 year requirement to have an interlock device in my car...a breathalyzer...due to my DUIs of 2012. This has been a huge source of shame for me, and at the same time I realize it was a good tool. Tomorrow it gets removed (I can't afford to keep it) and it is UP TO ME to never drink again...and ESPECIALLY never drink and drive. I'm relieved this shameful chapter is behind me, but scared that it comes at a time when I'm no longer rock solid in my recovery.
Anyway, any thoughts are appreciated. I never want to relapse again. I am bolstering my supports and really getting involved in the recovery community again but I'm scared that I will lose control some day...maybe years from now, and once again lose judgement and drive drunk.
I have been trying to stop drinking permanently since 2007. I have used many approaches: 12 step, CBT, 1:1 therapy, intensive IOP. In 2010 I had a year plus of abstinence. Then my world kind of spun out of control with a very horrible, abusive divorce. In 2012 I got 2 back to back DUI's. I briefly lost custody of my kids due to this. I did months of therapy and random testing and regained custody. My relationships with my kids (now older teens) has been mostly strong.
I was sober for almost 4 years. In January I once again started to have increasing financial and family tensions. I didn't keep up with my program and the urges crept in. I started dabbling in moderation on the days my kids were with their dad. Then last week my drinking, once again, spun out of control and I got drunk on an airplane (very embarrassing) and was told by TSA I had to call a family member to pick me up and the only one who could was my 19 year old daughter. She, of course, was disgusted and upset and my exH is once again threatening to take custody of my other younger teens (15 and 15).
This was one week ago. I have restarted therapy and have called many of my sober friends to come to my support. I feel stronger.
Today I received the letter I'd been waiting for for the past 3 years. I am now done with my 3 year requirement to have an interlock device in my car...a breathalyzer...due to my DUIs of 2012. This has been a huge source of shame for me, and at the same time I realize it was a good tool. Tomorrow it gets removed (I can't afford to keep it) and it is UP TO ME to never drink again...and ESPECIALLY never drink and drive. I'm relieved this shameful chapter is behind me, but scared that it comes at a time when I'm no longer rock solid in my recovery.
Anyway, any thoughts are appreciated. I never want to relapse again. I am bolstering my supports and really getting involved in the recovery community again but I'm scared that I will lose control some day...maybe years from now, and once again lose judgement and drive drunk.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Wecome.
Sober for 4 years and a relapse. That is terrifying.
Being able to live clean for so long. This shows the power of alcohol.
I have no advice. I'm barely over a year and am still suffering from anxiety the booze medicated.
It is not all the time, but i feel it and i know it was a trigger in the past.
Still is a trigger.
There are a bunch of experienced folks here that can offer a strategy.
Thanks.
Sober for 4 years and a relapse. That is terrifying.
Being able to live clean for so long. This shows the power of alcohol.
I have no advice. I'm barely over a year and am still suffering from anxiety the booze medicated.
It is not all the time, but i feel it and i know it was a trigger in the past.
Still is a trigger.
There are a bunch of experienced folks here that can offer a strategy.
Thanks.
Pope on a Rope
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Florida
Posts: 117
Congrats on having the interlock device removed.
Good luck on the beginning of a new journey of sobriety.
You've already proved to yourself in the past that you can go several years without bombing out. Use that as your motivation this time around. And your children as well. What better motivation can there be?
Good luck on the beginning of a new journey of sobriety.
You've already proved to yourself in the past that you can go several years without bombing out. Use that as your motivation this time around. And your children as well. What better motivation can there be?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by D122y 
Wecome.
Sober for 4 years and a relapse. That is terrifying.
Being able to live clean for so long. This shows the power of alcohol.
I have no advice. I'm barely over a year and am still suffering from anxiety the booze medicated.
It is not all the time, but i feel it and i know it was a trigger in the past.
Still is a trigger.
There are a bunch of experienced folks here that can offer a strategy.
Thanks.
Sober for 4 years and a relapse. That is terrifying.
Being able to live clean for so long. This shows the power of alcohol.
I have no advice. I'm barely over a year and am still suffering from anxiety the booze medicated.
It is not all the time, but i feel it and i know it was a trigger in the past.
Still is a trigger.
There are a bunch of experienced folks here that can offer a strategy.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by EBIII
Congrats on having the interlock device removed.
Good luck on the beginning of a new journey of sobriety.
You've already proved to yourself in the past that you can go several years without bombing out. Use that as your motivation this time around. And your children as well. What better motivation can there be?
Good luck on the beginning of a new journey of sobriety.
You've already proved to yourself in the past that you can go several years without bombing out. Use that as your motivation this time around. And your children as well. What better motivation can there be?
Thank you! I am very excited at the prospect of no longer having that device yelling at me every 10 minutes. I get it...it is a powerful deterrent. But it was EXHAUSTING. Three years of it was long enough. Need to keep reminding myself to never go back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
Once we cross that line, there is no going back to drinking again. Ever, Period. Years of abstinence won't change our brains back to normal.
Congrats on all that sober time. If you could do it then you can do it now. Some people would just give up and make the problem worse, but you're here on a recovery site asking for help. That's a good sign you have a lot of hope and can quit again. For good this time
Congrats on all that sober time. If you could do it then you can do it now. Some people would just give up and make the problem worse, but you're here on a recovery site asking for help. That's a good sign you have a lot of hope and can quit again. For good this time
Last edited by red3215; 07-11-2016 at 06:25 PM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Four years of sobriety is some serious awesomeness! You can do it again! Keep remembering how great you felt without the booze. The interlock device probably helped you stay sober (it would me, anyway) but now you can do it for you and your kiddos.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 411
Welcome Ponies 
You say that you are terrified that you may relapse "someday", in the future. It helps me when I start thinking that way to remember that the future does not really exist, except in our imaginations. Whatever time it is, it's always right now. The present moment is the one we act in.
I should really take my own advice more often... :P
You say that you are terrified that you may relapse "someday", in the future. It helps me when I start thinking that way to remember that the future does not really exist, except in our imaginations. Whatever time it is, it's always right now. The present moment is the one we act in.I should really take my own advice more often... :P
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Kaily
Welcome to the form.
What is an interlock device? I don't think we have them in the UK
What is an interlock device? I don't think we have them in the UK
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