kamm

Hey guys. So a little background, I have been sober for a little over a year now and have had one heLl of a Rollercoaster ride. My uncle died, I found out my husband was cheating and subsequently we seperated, I moved across the world and stared a new job. I am pretty comfortable in my sobriety and am thankful for my sober time and realize that my life is infinitely better than it was before.

I just recently started dating again. I've been on a couple of dates and don't advertise that I don't drink but if asked, I've consistently said no thank you. Well, I was on a date the other day and when asked if I drink I said yes. I clarified by saying not very often and that I never have more than one because I want to always be availae for my daughter in an emergency (not that any of that makes it any better since I DON'T drink). I am dumbfounded as to why I did that?! I am happy in sobriety but as young as I am I recognize that it's weird for me to not drink. I don't know. I just suprised at myself and trying to analyze why I would lie like that. Have you ever found yourself in a situation like that?

I do not.plan on drinking so I'm not sure what's going on in my brain.

sugarbear1

Only you can figure out why you aren't secure with your sobriety.

August252015

I would be very worried if I started equivocating. From I don't to I do occasionally to...where that could quickly lead for me.

LadyBlue0527

Valid question kamm, information from others is what this board is all about.

In reading your post you just started dating again. Sobriety may not be new to you but dating is. It's only natural we want to put the best face on everything in the beginning.

It may be that you're concerned at the reaction of the person that you're getting to know but consider this. If you tell someone you don't drink and there's a problem with it then you've cut out a lot of wasted time figuring out if that person is for you

Congratulations on your length of sobriety!

uncorked

I agree with LadyBlue. I'm in the middle of a divorce and I haven't started dating again, but I've thought about how I might handle that situation. The reason you didn't tell all about your sobriety might be because it's still personal to you. And until you know someone for awhile and feel comfortable, it's not always something you want to broadcast when meeting someone for the first time. If you say, "I don't drink," chances are they'll ask why. It's only natural. And really, who wants to go there on a first date? So I can see why you answered as you did. I'm not a guy but I would think that most would rather date a non drinker than someone who gets wasted all the time. Unless they're looking for a drinking partner.

Anna

I think that when you present yourself as something you are not, there is little chance for an honest relationship developing. I do get that it's a bit difficult because you are not a drinker, but you probably don't want to explain to a date why you don't drink. Can you try to let go of the belief that it's weird for you to not drink because of your age?

Maudcat

You know, when I tell people I don't drink, hardly anyone asks me why. If someone does, I just smile and say "health reasons" and don't say another word. That seems to satisfy the questioners, who usually don't know me well. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your sobriety. Congrats on that, btw.

August252015

There have a been a few instances where I have needed to explain something about my current situation as far as work goes. My answer has been that I was "really sick at the beginning of the year, and I am much better now. This is a great place for me to be right now!." True, true and true. And then I move on to a different topic.

Venecia

I strongly encourage you to be honest about not drinking at all. The rest is up to you early on, as to the "why." I was in a relationship with a man, which has since ended, and I told him the "why" when I felt comfortable with him. He was fine with it ... very understanding.

Delilah1

I dealt with health issues this year as well, so when anyone has proved I share that I felt it was best for my health not to drink anymore. I figure I have drank enough in the past for several lifetimes!

EndGameNYC

Here's your answer:

I don't know whether or not this is just a bump in the road or a signal that you've been heading towards a drink. Many of us didn't realize that we were heading towards a drink until we made the decision to do it.

fini

what it does is open the window.
if you were to drink next time you're out with this person, it would look and seem "normal", since you said you do occasionally drink a little.
it would look "normal" to your date, and you'd be sitting in this weird momentary dissonance, which would disappear with the drink.


can't see how lying is a good start to any relationship. so i look at what you might have "gained" by this.
looking un-weird for your age.
maybe.

and an opened door to a return to drinking.

kamm

I cannot see how I gained anything whatsoever by saying that I drink. I'm very frustrated with myself now. Thank you all for reminding me that it's not about what anyone thinks but about my personal journey. I have just been feeling lonely recently but loneliness will be better than drunkenness.... every time.

wehav2day

Kamm, there's some good advice here, especially from Anna and a few others.

When a drink is offered, I simply say no thank you. Or I don't drink. It took a while for me to get comfortable saying I don't drink. At first I was very hesitant to slam the door shut to the possibility, even though I had no intention of drinking . Weird I know, but the alkie brain is a tad weird.

The thing is, I've told people I don't drink hundreds of times by now. In all of those times, I was asked why only once. By a long time friend who used to drink with me. She's known me a long time, she earned the right to know in my eyes, so I told her. I was just ready.

You don't have to say ANYTHING you aren't ready to say. But lying tends to send us back to the bottle. I really think alcoholics can't lie. Well we can about surprise parties and stuff like "noooo honey, those pants don't make your butt look big at allll!"

ZenLifter

My feeling is that you lied because you don't want the guy to know that you have (had) a drinking problem, or are an alcoholic, or however you want to put it, and maybe see you as damaged goods. Just a guess...

Or perhaps you also don't want to see yourself that way.