notgonnastoptry

I am not about to do anything out of line, but today I had my first craving and oddly, it wasn't over my drink of choice (my "drink" of choice was cheap vodka). My husband and I used to really enjoy sort of high end beers (Delerium Tremens and others that were produced once a year in limited quantities). Today is his birthday. He is not a big drinker by any means (maybe 5 per week--beer). But when I thought about purchasing it, for nana-second, I thought, "Well, that will be a nice crispy drink for later today". Then I remembered.

I am going out to get him some. I'm not afraid of going to a liquor store. I'm not afraid of having it in the house. I'm not a huge fan of beer, but I do like this one and I have many fond memories (before kids, chaos, and alcoholism--we'd drink one a piece) of us sharing a 4 pack on the night of his birthday. I'd get a little tipsy (before I became a raging alcoholic and then I'd pre game, after game, all day game with my vodka.

I think I'm more missing what it represented (quieter times, pre-alcholism [which nearly destroyed my marriage and family and my life because I almost died--we are still building]).

Anyway, I'm not at risk, just feeling wistful for being a normal drinker and thought I'd share here. If I thought I could be a normal drinker, I'd have some, but I've BTDT way too many times. Not even a sip.

ZenLifter

Appreciate your sharing. Yes I think we do go through a "mourning" period, if you will. We have fond memories of the good times with our friend alcohol and seem to forget the puking, the shakes, the times we made an ass out of ourselves, and the regrets and shame, etc., etc...

Glad you're not thinking about drinking

dwtbd

Thx for the post , and we in this club 'hear' you
Might I suggest a nice cone of bisque ice cream, delightfully different, just careful 'clinking' on the bday toast(pretty sure your husband will not at all mind a slight dollop), keep truckin

Soberandhealthy

Be careful, for me the idea that I am a normal drinker or could be one has send me to picking up drinking again. Best of luck!

August252015

Eep. I might not get him that particular gift. Right now, you aren't thinking of drinking any, it won't bother you at home...but you mention a whisper...30 days is a short time into this for testing yourself so deliberately.

Good luck! Stay with the sober thoughts.

notgonnastoptry

Thanks, all. Appreciate the kind words and sage advice. I was at the store when this thread was going.

I did get him some. I felt a little angst when I was buying a half pint of Johnny Walker black label (I never, ever liked whiskey, but liquor was liquor). It wasn't angst, it was more of a phantom reaction; that is, "sh**; I'm going to end up drinking all of this". Note: that wasn't my thought at the store, it was a throwback to my thoughts whenever I was buying bourbon for our Christmas truffles, Irish cream for another Christmas dessert, etc. I would buy vodka right alongside of it, but I'd end up nipping off of all the other things in the house as well. As we all know, an alcoholic doesn't keep a bar or more than a bottle (at least I didn't), so having 2 bottles in the house felt like a goldmine. I'd inevitably drink it up and sort of blow it off when my husband asked what happened to it.

I was both relieved when I realized I wouldn't be struggling with the dilemma of whether to nip or not, or trying to water it down like I was some HS girl. He'd only use it for cooking, so I don't think he noticed I was playing the same games I play during teenage hood. In any case, I don't feel tempted in the least. He hardly drinks the hard stuff, but once in a great while (every 3 months) he will have a shot. The last time this happened with high end bourbon (for xmas truffles), I drank the rest (of course) and then a few months later, he went to sit down at night and read and wanted to pour himself a bit. Yikes. That had been ingested by me in months previous. He sort of just rolled his eyes in annoyance. I think I said, "oh, I don't know what happened to it".

notgonnastoptry

Sadly, I've BTDT. On my first quit (coming on three years), I was fooled into moderation. Badly fooled. Like everyone here, I started out with a couple glasses of wine a night (and I'm not a fan of wine. I like it, but it doesn't do the trick--'wine is fine, but whiskey is quicker'). A week in, I was nearly back--a month in, totally back. Second real quit (more than a few days) was after I came out of the hospital in 7/2015. I knew I couldn't moderate so I went right to the liquor store without pretending I could. That was three months into sobriety and a huge fight with my husband set me off. I picked up a half pint (rather than a pint) and nursed it through the night. I was back full speed and then some which landed me in the hospital in 6/16.
I have no illusions about moderating. As someone said, I'm grieving for what could have been (a normal relationship with the stuff) but I can't have it. It's either nothing or a full bottle. No in-between.