Jharp

Hello,

My fiance came home drunk and continued drinking. We're getting married next week and I've decided to stop drinking because I see the ugly pattern that's happening.
He seemed aggressive verbally towards me on the phone heading home and continued when he got home. He was just repeating previous drunken conversations that always led to fights and being sober I saw that and said I don't want to talk about this and sat in another room. He convinced me to talk to him some more and it just kept continuing. I said I want to talk about something positive and have an actual conversation instead of you just belittling me.
I ended up having 1 glass of wine, but stopped there because I want to stay sober and knew he just wanted to argue. I ended up in tears because he just wasn't seeing eye to eye..no empathy.
I went up to bed and I heard him quietly leave. It's the next morning now and he's not home and his phones turned off. I can't believe this is happening before the wedding. I'm actually very confused. I don't know why I'm posting this..I just don't know who to turn to. I think he was angry because I wasn't drinking.

EndGameNYC

Abuse is abuse. No matter how inconvenient or costly it may be to postpone your wedding, it sounds like there are good reasons to give yourself the time and space you need to give more serious thought about getting married.

Things only get more difficult during any marriage, not easier. If one or both people aren't prepared to weather the many storms that occur in life together, then the outlook is bleak. Believe it or not, virtually every "soul mate" has an expiration date. And that's when the real work begins.

I feel a little funny about even feeling the need to make these comments, but that doesn't change the fact that SR is populated with several loveless and/or abusive relationships. And one doesn't need to be an alcoholic in order to make poor decisions. Don't hang onto a mistake just because you took a long time making it.

Hawkeye13

I think going forward with a wedding next week would be a mistake.
Abuse is abuse, and the drinking and it will only get worse untreated.

biminiblue

I agree, as someone who got married and ignored the red flags, I'll agree that it's going to get worse after the wedding. That's not just drinking, that's a control and abuse thing.

I would run, knowing now what I didn't know then.

madgirl

Dont marry your drinking buddy, especially now that you have decided to get sober.

ScottFromWI

I'd agree with the others...abuse is never OK and it's going to get worse as long as he's still drinking. You'll never be able to "make" him stop either...only he can make that decision. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life as a victim of his abuse?

AnvilheadII

getting married won't FIX anything....you won't get handed Happily Ever After. what you WILL get is an abusive HUSBAND. i don't think he's mad because YOU aren't drinking, he's just an angry drunk.

what you see is what you get. there is NO shame in calling off a wedding for the right reasons. your health, safety and sanity are VERY good reasons.

least

I would not marry him. He sounds like a bad risk.

Anna

Your fiancé is abusive to you. He is verbally abusive and he is now refusing to respond to your messages. Surely you don't want to marry someone like that. Get away while you have the change. Taking action and cancelling the wedding would be far better than continuing with this abusive relationship.

INgal

Oh honey, we know you probably don't want to hear it, but don't marry him! Take care of yourself first. He is not going to be a partner and you'll be miserable on the daily.

sugarbear1

Abuse progresses more quickly than the drinking does. This is my experience. Can you put a hold on the wedding for now?

juppe

Wow he's behaving like this just a week before your wedding? This should be the time that he's most happy. Weddings are supposed to be joyous occasions!

Does this sort of thing happen regularly? Why would you put up with this any longer let alone put up with it for an entire marriage (because that's what will end up happening)?

Trees39

Sounds like he's not ready. Sounds like you know it doesn't feel right.
No harm in postponing. Take a year off, meet some new people, be happy.

Life is easy when things are right.

Wtbaf16

I agree with Trees. He's not happy that's why he's acting out. He has problems which you'll inherit if you wed the man. Postpone the wedding until you can see clearly otherwise you're headed for a life of misery. I'm not saying cancel, simply give yourself time to focus more clearly on what you want. Don't let a "date" determine your future happiness. If he loves you, here'll wait. If not, you don't need him.....

OpenTuning

Hi Jharp,

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a rough time. Please do let us know how you are now.

From reading your other posts it sounds like although you've been with your partner for 10 years, and have two children, your upcoming marriage is perhaps bringing some long term issues to a head. Which is completely understandable. Obviously something has changed in your relationship to feel now is the time to get married, and it makes perfect sense that's going to make you both think a lot more about your lives and relationship.

What isn't quite clear is that in your other posts about wanting to stop drinking two weeks before getting married you wrote "My fiance drinks and likes to drink which doesn't bother me. He never gets out of control and embarrasses himself or says the wrong things like I do." Whereas what you've written here shows a very different version of him, and talk about frequent fights.

I'm only pointing this out to say that of course we are only getting a very small glimpse of your situation. The advice you're getting in this thread is based on what you just wrote, which throws up many, many worrying signs. And it hints that there is a lot going on below the surface that you need to work through right now.

I feel uncomfortable offering advice with so little information, but given you're already in a long term relationship, with children, is there a possibility that you and your partner might be able to see a couples therapist before the wedding? You clearly have issues to talk through, and the wedding does seem to be bringing them to a head. If it was possible to postpone the wedding that would help take some of the pressure off, and give more time to consider if it is indeed the right step for you to take.

LeeJane

Sorry you have this going on, I also urge you not to marry him. It may be hard to walk away now but it will be a whole load harder once married.

Meraviglioso

Very interesting. Care to elaborate? (for the record, from experience, I am in agreement with you, but hadn't really put the feeling into words)

LadyBlue0527

This makes sense to me too. I've spent a lifetime thinking love was that giddy starry eyed feeling. I never felt true love until I worked on a relationship ending type issue and made it to the other side with the relationship still intact.

I'm not meaning to sound negative but I found a relationship where love is real is not defined by all the laughs and good times. It's your ability to weather the storms together.

WeekendWarrior

This is what I was thinking.

Is this a normal thing for him (getting drunk, arguing, leaving, keeping you in the dark to have control over you) or is this a one-time thing? If a one-time thing, maybe it's just pre-wedding nerves HANDLED VERY VERY POORLY. If this is a pattern, then I agree with the others, this will get worse and I really hate telling you that a week before your wedding.

skipper123

Your post made me think about my own situation for 20 years. I was married to a very emotionally and verbally abusive man which is probably what made me end up here!! I saw the red flags before the wedding but thought I couldn't cancel the wedding because the invitations had been sent out. If I were you I would postpone the wedding to buy some time. If he is willing to go to counseling maybe things can work out. My ex was also an angry drunk and I think the only solution is to quit drinking. Take care and I hope things work out for you.