finding my rock bottom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 138
finding my rock bottom
Stopping my weekly binge drinking is hard not because of the physical cravings but because my AV keeps telling me: you didn't drink that much, you were able to reduce your drinking down to once a week, a successful professional can't be an alcoholic, a competitive marathon runner couldn't possibly be an alcoholic and keep up with her training, an alcoholic can't have great relationships with her children and husband and on and on. Not true. None of these are true. And here's what I realized about rock bottoms: they are different for each person. And really it's a miracle that I have never had to go to the hospital with the amounts I drank given my size; so I am trying to create a rock bottom moment (focus on the times I threw up and felt scared) A part of me knows I could have killed myself and that if I drink again, I may not survive.
Adventurer
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
Just realize that it's your AV telling you everything is great right now, that is what it wants you to think so you do not stop drinking. The fact is everything will be much better once you do quit you just don't realize it yet. Even if things are as you call it good, they will be much better.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by effortjoy 
my AV keeps telling me: you didn't drink that much, you were able to reduce your drinking down to once a week, a successful professional can't be an alcoholic, a competitive marathon runner couldn't possibly be an alcoholic and keep up with her training, an alcoholic can't have great relationships with her children and husband and on and on.
Oh how I wish I had quit when I threw up and felt scared. Good for you for getting out in front on this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
You are smart to stop. I never had a defining moment that pushed me to say "enough." It was all of the moments when I woke up and felt less than stellar and didn't really want to get out of bed, when I was short with someone because I was drinking, or hungover, when I skipped or rushed through an activity to get home to pour a glass of wine. I would wake up feeling pretty crummy each morning, but somehow managed to convince myself it was fine to have a few glasses of wine by the end of the day.
I hit the six month mark July 1st, and I feel so much better both mentally and physically.
Glad you are here, think how great your PR might be on your next race without drinking for a while.
I hit the six month mark July 1st, and I feel so much better both mentally and physically.
Glad you are here, think how great your PR might be on your next race without drinking for a while.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Rock bottoms are different for everyone. I also thought for a long time that things were ok because I was functioning - taking care of what NEEDED to be taken care of, not drinking in the morning, not drinking every day, never lost a job, etc. I thought for a long time alcoholics were the people who had lost everything and couldn't start the day without drinking, people who were hopeless. I wasn't those things, but I began to realize that I was headed in that direction. Then I got 2 DUI's in the space of a little over 2 years. That was my rock bottom. But it doesn't have to get that far for you. If you are scared, quit now. You don't have to suffer like I did or like many others on this site did.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you are dealing with it before you get to a "there."
As I was reading your post, these thoughts occurred to me FOR you:
I hope she stays sober so she can still run marathons - that's so cool!
I hope she stays sober so loving relationships will stay with her; it is no fun to have to repair them.
I hope she stays sober because she sounds like a good person who recognizes she's lucky not to have faced "big" consequences. But knows alcohol is a problem.
I hope she stays sober so she doesn't have to experience liver damage to the brink of cirrhosis - talk about scary.
Best to you! Fight the AV!
As I was reading your post, these thoughts occurred to me FOR you:
I hope she stays sober so she can still run marathons - that's so cool!
I hope she stays sober so loving relationships will stay with her; it is no fun to have to repair them.
I hope she stays sober because she sounds like a good person who recognizes she's lucky not to have faced "big" consequences. But knows alcohol is a problem.
I hope she stays sober so she doesn't have to experience liver damage to the brink of cirrhosis - talk about scary.
Best to you! Fight the AV!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"so I am trying to create a rock bottom moment (focus on the times I threw up and felt scared) A part of me knows I could have killed myself and that if I drink again, I may not survive. "
welp, maybe this will help:
wasting time creating a rock bottom moment will put you in the grave.
before you find it.
you can stop digging any time.
welp, maybe this will help:
wasting time creating a rock bottom moment will put you in the grave.
before you find it.
you can stop digging any time.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Unfortunately there will always be a lower bottom because alcoholism is progressive. Many get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Many die. I know many that didn't plan on dying but they did.
The only good time to quit is now, right this second. Make a plan, get help, and start your new life
The only good time to quit is now, right this second. Make a plan, get help, and start your new life
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
It sounds like there are about three 'you's vying for control.
There is the sober you who doesn't want the drunk to show up , doesn't like the consequences and after math of drunk you making an appearance.
And there is possibly the 'buzzed' you , the you once a week that convinced the sober you that buzzed you is good enough and promises not to let the drunk you show up, or at least not get as fully present and bring the consequences.
Sober you keeps falling for the lies of the other 'two' , coz really they are the same thing.
I thought or tried to have three of us in 'here' and that I could work to keep the third (the drunk me) at bay, til I realized the other guy(buzzed me) wasn't a 'helpful, playful, relatively harmless' companion , it was just drunk me early in the night, and early in the night after that first drink meant I was just getting started buzzed me became really buzzed me and the race to oblivion was on and If i didnt win that race after the first one or few , it wasn't from lack of trying, it would have been from circumstances beyond my control and I'd be pissed( US pissed=mad, not British pissed coz then I would have my goal).
Put and keep Sober you in charge now, today, there is no need to have had a 'bottom', just to realize that one leads to many , once that little itch gets scratched or started , I'm in for a bumpy ride ,every time .
That's why I decided to not drink, ever again and not change my mind, I'm pretty convinced (after like 30 yrs experience) that that itch will always resurface after every One.
Put sober you in charge, sounds like you like that one the best(and for some great reasons)
There is the sober you who doesn't want the drunk to show up , doesn't like the consequences and after math of drunk you making an appearance.
And there is possibly the 'buzzed' you , the you once a week that convinced the sober you that buzzed you is good enough and promises not to let the drunk you show up, or at least not get as fully present and bring the consequences.
Sober you keeps falling for the lies of the other 'two' , coz really they are the same thing.
I thought or tried to have three of us in 'here' and that I could work to keep the third (the drunk me) at bay, til I realized the other guy(buzzed me) wasn't a 'helpful, playful, relatively harmless' companion , it was just drunk me early in the night, and early in the night after that first drink meant I was just getting started buzzed me became really buzzed me and the race to oblivion was on and If i didnt win that race after the first one or few , it wasn't from lack of trying, it would have been from circumstances beyond my control and I'd be pissed( US pissed=mad, not British pissed coz then I would have my goal).
Put and keep Sober you in charge now, today, there is no need to have had a 'bottom', just to realize that one leads to many , once that little itch gets scratched or started , I'm in for a bumpy ride ,every time .
That's why I decided to not drink, ever again and not change my mind, I'm pretty convinced (after like 30 yrs experience) that that itch will always resurface after every One.
Put sober you in charge, sounds like you like that one the best(and for some great reasons)
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
effortjoy, you are so right. These are the games our minds will play. Realizing that we are poisoning our bodies and taking steps to stop doing that can definitely be enough. Recognize and nix any thoughts to the contrary as soon as they enter your mind. No discussion about it.
The thing I realized was that I could justify...I could draw a line in the sand (I could justify being a "good enough" mom even though I knew I wasn't the best mom; I could justify just showing up at work as good enough, even though I knew my performance was subpar at best), but that line in the sand kept getting redrawn farther back..."Sure I do X, but I'll never do Y" then became "Sure I do Y, but I'll never do Z".
Just ditching the whole thing for good has been the best thing I ever did. Not having to think about it or struggle to moderate brings immeasurable peace.
The thing I realized was that I could justify...I could draw a line in the sand (I could justify being a "good enough" mom even though I knew I wasn't the best mom; I could justify just showing up at work as good enough, even though I knew my performance was subpar at best), but that line in the sand kept getting redrawn farther back..."Sure I do X, but I'll never do Y" then became "Sure I do Y, but I'll never do Z".
Just ditching the whole thing for good has been the best thing I ever did. Not having to think about it or struggle to moderate brings immeasurable peace.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 138
effortjoy - a characteristic of alcoholism is the inability to control the amount we take once started. It is a progressive loss of control, it gets worse over time and not better despite brief periods where we seem to regain control, or even years when we avoid it.
If quitting for a time leads to some trivial excuse for taking a drink, inability to resist despite probable consequence, and ensuing spree, be forewarned.
It is good to get full knowledge of this condition because - with that condition - if we are to quit successfully there must be absolutely no lurking notion left that we can ever, ever have even one drink safely. Many of us take years of abuse before we ever notice that fact. Our drinking life somehow seems the only normal one, and we are out of control waaaaay before we realize.
It is rapacious and destructive and deadly. I think they call it AV or trigger here, AA calls it a "strange mental blank spot' where there's either no thought or little of consequence when the thought of drink arises, if so they are readily pushed aside in favor of the drink, then the ensuing loss of control.
For those who wonder if they have it, AA suggests really trying a controlled drinking experiment - Try to drink (one or two) and stop abruptly, and try it more than once. Shouldn't take long to decide. On careful review, they suggest a serious jolt is worth it to really get fuller knowledge of if you have this condition. Years of torment in barleycorn's dungeon realm can be spared.
If secular methods used to quit repeatedly fail, AA found that a fairly simple willingness to adopt a 'spiritual' kinda way of thinking and living - totally personalizeable, go at your own pace and totally secular, with just a few new simple attitudes, and suggested tools, does in fact dispense with the drink urge if taken seriously and devotedly, and leads to anything but glum boringness. All kinds of us *****s making some headway with it.
Sorry i forgot to review your other posts to see where you are coming from...but was just passing by...kinda new here and finding my way around myself...gotta run
If quitting for a time leads to some trivial excuse for taking a drink, inability to resist despite probable consequence, and ensuing spree, be forewarned.
It is good to get full knowledge of this condition because - with that condition - if we are to quit successfully there must be absolutely no lurking notion left that we can ever, ever have even one drink safely. Many of us take years of abuse before we ever notice that fact. Our drinking life somehow seems the only normal one, and we are out of control waaaaay before we realize.
It is rapacious and destructive and deadly. I think they call it AV or trigger here, AA calls it a "strange mental blank spot' where there's either no thought or little of consequence when the thought of drink arises, if so they are readily pushed aside in favor of the drink, then the ensuing loss of control.
For those who wonder if they have it, AA suggests really trying a controlled drinking experiment - Try to drink (one or two) and stop abruptly, and try it more than once. Shouldn't take long to decide. On careful review, they suggest a serious jolt is worth it to really get fuller knowledge of if you have this condition. Years of torment in barleycorn's dungeon realm can be spared.
If secular methods used to quit repeatedly fail, AA found that a fairly simple willingness to adopt a 'spiritual' kinda way of thinking and living - totally personalizeable, go at your own pace and totally secular, with just a few new simple attitudes, and suggested tools, does in fact dispense with the drink urge if taken seriously and devotedly, and leads to anything but glum boringness. All kinds of us *****s making some headway with it.
Sorry i forgot to review your other posts to see where you are coming from...but was just passing by...kinda new here and finding my way around myself...gotta run
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 138
what we call it
I think I have had many rock bottoms over the years but have filled them with external achievements and reassurances. Like I knew I didn't want to moderate but thought that being able to reduce my drinking down to one day a week for years meant I was fine. What I've realized is that no matter how diligently I "fill up" the holes in my life caused by drinking, it takes just one drink of my weekly binge to possibly bring me all the way back to the bottom. I'm tired of starting over; I'm not giving up this time.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by effortjoy
it takes just one drink of my weekly binge to possibly bring me all the way back to the bottom.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by cairn
For those who wonder if they have it, AA suggests really trying a controlled drinking experiment - Try to drink (one or two) and stop abruptly, and try it more than once. Shouldn't take long to decide.
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