Eliasson

I've pretty much determined that's what I am. So now what? I'm grateful to have a place to go, thank y'all for your continued support no matter what. This forum is the only place I've found true acceptance and support. For that I'm forever grateful.
But how long do I keep trying and failing? When do I just accept this as my lot in life and try to minimize the damage?
I'm tired and I hurt. I don't want anyone else to invest their time in me only to have me let them down. Life is just too precious for that and I'm tired of robbing people who are so generous and kind to me, here and in AA, of their time and energy.
If I can't get this is there at least a lesson that can be learned from my experience? Is hate to think this was all for naught.

Eliasson

I'd hate to think*

Dee74

You've shown you can be sober...you just need to work out how to stay that way Eliasson.

What have you been doing for your recovery? what kind of things?

D

Eliasson

Thank you Dee. I start off with such passion and conviction, beg people to sponsor/help me, attend a couple meetings a week, read SR and other recovery materials, try to pray. For the most part I start to feel better and gain a slight sense of hope, but eventually, inevitably, I drink again.
So at this point I feel selfish asking for help or support when I know I'm probably just wasting such kind people's time. Like you. And Anna, and everyone here.

Dee74

Like I've said elsewhere we don't shoot our wounded. There's no rule that says only successfully sober people ca post here - quite the opposite IMO.

If there's one thing I can get across it's that you must never think that your unworthy of support.

If you need help, ask for it, and you'll get it

Ask for help before you drink again...each time you beat your addiction, the stronger you'll get

D

IvanMike

We don't need any more lessons from your experience or from anyone else's.

I have a dear friend in NA. When I got there he had 17 months clean. About two weeks later he celebrated 18 months (which involves a keytag) and looked positively shocked - for a long time afterwards.

I couldn't figure it out. I listened to him talk and eventually we served together going into a local rehab facility, so I found out why he was so surprised and overwhelmed.

He had started coming to NA in 1990. He got clean in 2011. He's still clean today.

When I got clean I went to NA every day, sometimes twice. When I asked a man to sponsor me it was because he had what I wanted. He didn't agree to sponsor me, he said call him every day. I met other people and figured out who had their act together. I learned to go to them for help when I was feeling off (which was all the time!), I didn't wait for them to ask me if I was OK.

I took commitments. I made coffee, I set up. I cleaned up. I got to meetings early and stayed late, and found that some of the best conversations and friendships were found then. I called people when I felt like using, before I used, not after.

Recovery takes time and perseverance.

You're not hopeless, you just don't have any hope.
You're not worthless, you just haven't figured out your true worth.
You're not helpless, we and the rest of the recovery community can help you, but you have to show up for it.

keeppushing

You never stop. It's like being in the middle of the ocean and drowning. You don't stop, because stopping means the end of everything.

KP

Eliasson

Ok thank you. Today is another day one. I really am not sure what to do differently but I won't give up.

Eliasson

And I will take your advice and reach out here or call someone in the program BEFORE picking up that drink. Thank you. I can't go on like this.

ScottFromWI

Make a list of the things that you haven't tried yet. Actually write them down and write out a plan for what you are going to do today. And remember that YOU are the one who has the power to change everything - it's all about the choices you make.

Here's a few things I can think of off the top of my head that you could do today.

Go to an AA/NA/Smart/LifeRing meeting

Make an appointment to see your doctor and discuss your drinking problems

Call your local/county drug alcohol resource and find out what programs they have available

Join the class of July thread

Go for a walk, eat some healthy food, take a nap

Go to the library and check out some books on recovery and self-help

Read the big book online.

Spend time here reading and writing

Read this thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Delilah1

Good Morning Eliasson,

I'm glad you are back today! It takes courage to start again. A few days ago there was a post "To The Serial Relapser," it would be a good one to take a look at today.

I have just over six months sober, but if you look at my join date it is March of 2012. I initially joined after being on a winery tour and waking up about 3 in the morning feeling awful. I posted once. Then that October I made my first serious attempt and made it 90 days. From 2013-2016 I had periods of sobriety, followed by attempts at moderation.

I came back to SR numerous times, and was always welcomed.

As you know, it is not easy to stop, but I promise you it is worth it. Do whatever it takes to avoid that first drink, add whatever supports you need, join the July class, just don't give up.

You can do this!!!

❤️ Delilah

Eliasson

Thank you Scott and Delilah. I am so hungover and can't stop crying. I will join the July thread and I'll get to a meeting although I'm so embarrassed to walk in with my tail between my legs once again.
Grateful for the people here who take the time to reach out to me. Thank you

Ariesagain

No one who's still on this side of the grass is hopeless. We've all been there...the hard part is admitting you messed up and you've done that, so clearly there's a big part of you that wants to be sober. It would have been easier to slink away, but you didn't.

So good for you...now shake yourself off and step back up. You can do this.

Jeni26

Hi Eliasson. I follow you on here because you remind me of me.

I really struggled to get sober and it definitely gets tougher with every relapse. For me, the very hardest thing was when I started believing I was beyond hope. I didn't respond very well to tough love, and when I began to realise that people were beginning to give up on me, I reached a very dark place.

I would agree with Scott. The difference this time was that I tried something different...something fundamentally had to change in me and the way I was tackling it. To carry on doing the same stuff was counter-productive and demoralising.

I went to a weekend retreat and did the steps there. It was an amazing experience and it terrified me because I'm not very sociable or brave, but something shifted in me, and I truly believe this is it for me.

Never give up. We can all make it if we want it and are prepared to go to any lengths.

Lots of love and hugs. Stay close ❤️

Eliasson

Thank you Jeni, absolutely everything you said is exactly how I feel. That is so awesome that you are sober, I want sobriety so badly. If I'm honest with myself I probably have only made half hearted attempts at AA and I know if anything is going to change for me I need to take a different approach. I so hope I can experience the same shift you did and finally have some relief and peace in my life.
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. ❤️

cairn

It's just alcoholism Apparently nothing we can do to stop it when it has a good hold. The suffering becomes acute and unbearable.

For myself, recently, full of despair, i took a Big Clue from AAs and, abandoning my own welfare in total resignation, and whoever the heck i thought or insisted i was (i was so sick of myself) just started praying different, NEVER asking for myself, but to be shown what i might do for others.

It has been quite a trip since then The most amazing unravelings are taking place, it is like i have been locked in a cage my entire life and am finally getting let out. I still am SO skeptical of sobriety, but the more i learn about acceptance, forgiveness and love, the more i weep for the other demanding and miserable way i had lived. Within WEEKS the urge to drink just slipped away, being replaced i think.

I suspect i am a product of the good works of AA. I have been given life despite myself. Just gave up the almighty useless struggle to rearrange life to suit myself, and started to ask only what i might do for others, and for the willingness to do it. Right, wrong, didn't matter, as long as i am trying to do as i believe my creator might have me, which has often been Nothing. 'No longer running the show to suit myself'. Discovering indeed i think i do have a creator inside. Silent Partner. Think i accidentally cracked open that bottomless bottle i always wished there was Not even hard

They say pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. Peace, you are probably exactly where you need to be

cairn

AA has a remarkable way to get at the root of what has been troubling us, and comes with some pain and ego puncturing but also a BIG spoonful of sugar. Really, the water's warm Get nekkid!

CountryChick

Eliasson I have been feeling the same way. I've been struggling to get sober off and on for over 8 years. The last 2 years have been extremely rough. And I will have periods where I do great then like you I always drink again. I’ve hurt so many people that I love in the process. I was part of the February group and I made it 90 days. Since that time I relapsed & I've been drinking ever since. I am ashamed like you. Yesterday was the 1st time I posted since. But it does feel good to have a place where others understand what we deal with. Today will be Day 1 for me if I can get through it. I urge you not to give up. I’m sorry I don’t have any encouraging words. I thank you for posting what you did because I can really relate. Just know that you are not alone. Best of luck to you!

Delilah1

Glad you are back as well! You can both support each other on this journey. You can do this. Do whatever it takes.

least

I used to feel hopeless also. But I didn't give up, I kept trying and eventually I got sober for good. Don't give up!