Kelly12390

Thank you all so much. I am going to an AA meeting at 8:30 this evening. Feel so broken but I will definitely start working the steps and try harder this time. Thanks again all.

tomsteve

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

you can get and stay sober,kelly. you can have EVERY promise that's in the big book materialize for you just as it has countless others.
dont quit 10 minutes before the miracle occurs.

tomsteve

oh, and keep posting here,eh? maybe use this thread to let us know how your doing or maybe even ask for suggestions?

Berrybean

Good on ya Kelly.
Have you got anyone in mind to ask to be your sponsor?

When I asked my sponsor, she raised her brows at me (she does that a lot lol) and said "I wondered when you were going to ask." And then told me what she expected me to do if she was going to sponsor me. And I do it, as best I can.

Kelly12390

Thanks I went to AA meeting this evening but I couldn't talk, I was so physically shaking and couldn't bring myself to speak. I need to speak. Thanks again for caring!

Kelly12390

Thanks right now I have no idea for a sponsor. When do you think is a good time to try and find one? Thanks for being so caring.

Kelly12390

Going to bed sober on a day where I woke up with the intent to drink. How I got through today, I do not know. Thanks everybody x

Kelly12390

I haven't, it's something I need to do though. I can't manage to stay sober with that hanging over my head. And I'm tired, I'm so tired of letting things consume me and control me. It's heartbreaking and soul destroying. And thanks, maybe it was those buzzing angels that kept me sober today

Kelly12390

Thank you for your kindness. I am going to try, this way of living has exhausted me to the point of such hopelessness. I'm going to get help with the eating, will see a therapist to address that. I can't keep this up anymore.

ZenLifter

So happy for you that you made it through the day sober. ((Hugs))

Hevyn

Hi Kelly. I'm late to the thread - but want to send you some love & encouragement. I drank 30 yrs. I never thought I'd get free, but I have been for over 8 yrs. now. Talking things over here really made a difference - no one understood the way my friends here did. Proud of you for not picking up today.

tomsteve

could be ya got yourself a higher power already helping you!
good on ya foir getting to a meeting.
the most important meeting you attend is your next one.
IMO, when to try and find a sponsor can start at your next meeting. listen for someone who sounds like they have what you want. pray for someone to be put in your path to help you.

it would be wise to get some phone numbers of others in AA,too. then use them numbers and make phone calls, ESPECIALLY if/when the compulsion to drink hits. the phone is much lighter than a bottle and much better solution.

LadyBlue0527

You can do this Kelly, I promise you, you can. It's not easy but it can be done.

You've taken a major step by coming here looking for help. There's lots of great information in this thread and a lot of people who care. We know exactly what you're going through.

Keep coming here and posting, it's hard at first but the days do get better.

Berrybean

I'd say, sooner rather than later. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but try to arrive at meetings early to help set up, and for the clear up session at the end. Often it is much easier to get to know people and chat to them when you are sharing a simple task (moving chairs about or washing up cups or whatever) as there's less need for eye contact and silences or pauses don't seem so awkward. You will also get an indication of which people are really serious about the program and are likely to be most dependable. Try different meetings as well. Often it is easier to talk at smaller ones. But, speaking in the meeting itself isn't massively necessary at this stage. Listening is the most important thing, i know that if ive decided to speak, then worrying about what I'm going to say can distract me from listening to others. And if you really do want to speak up, it's really okay to just thank whoever is taking or speaking at the meeting and introduce yourself. "My name is Berry. I'm an alcoholic. I just wanted to say thanks for the meeting. I'm really struggling at the moment and have realised I need to find a sponsor and do the step work. Thanks." Once you've said a few sentences you might find yourself saying more. That's fine. You may not. That's fine as well. You might cry. And that's fine as well.

I found the AA speaker recordings really helpful as well. This is the link to where I find mine, just in case they could help you as well. Earl Hightower and Sandy Beach are both my favourites. And Clancy. And loads of others lol. 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!

Just keep getting to meetings, and watch for people who have a healthy and happy sobriety. People who seem serene. People who talk about the solution (how they got and stay better) not just problems and what they used to be like (although they'll all do a bit more of that than usual with a newcomer in the room, it's to help people relate). No matter how together they seem now, they will have been through those same feelings you are having and will remember them. Don't ask someone to sponsor you because they're a bit like you are now. Otherwise chances are you won't get to change much from where you are now either.

You know the promises. Read them and read them. They are real and they DO come true when you work the program. Not always how you might think they will, but better. I just thought they were like the kind of advertising we see everywhere in our culture. I never expected that they would happen. But here we are, and the promises have materialised. Who'd have thought it were possible? Not me, for a start off.

It's worth speaking to someone about the eating. However, a lot of it could be that you're being extra controlling as a (rubbish) way of dealing with your high anxiety levels. We do get very controlling. Once you're doing that step work and learn to hand things over and accept what you can't control, I suspect that the eating will get better. But in the meantime, try to find some help to stay healthy. I bet your AV would love you to stay hungry. That's half its battle won. I know when I have 2 HALT triggers going at any time I get easily rattled.

Take care, and keep posting. Have you got a meeting today? Going regularly to a step study meeting is a good idea. Lots of potential sponsors at those.

BB

Kelly12390

Hi BB,

You're so helpful and so kind! I listened to two of the audio AAs on the newcomers, highest rating section from the link you sent me! They were very good, soothing when you feel alone. Also, some humour in them too which is a good thing will play one tonight in bed also! Thank you for sharing that with me.

I've been attending AA, didn't get one last night or tonight as work is so hectic, have been in the office until 9 pm but tomorrow I don't care- I'm leaving early and will make it my priority to get to a meeting. And one on Friday, massive trigger day and I like an early Saturday morning one

A week sober now, can you believe last night I actually had a compulsion to drink- maybe not a compulsion per se, but it entered my mind in a desirable manner. After all the hurt, fear, anxiety and pain it gave to me a mere few days ago! Still feeling anxious actually, that feeling of all is not right in your gut hasn't left me yet since I relapsed.

But a sober night tonight. Thanks again BB and everyone on here! You're sweethearts!

SoberLife90

Life and Death.

Kelly12390

I chose life today

Ariesagain

Berrybean

Glad the recordings helped. They have helped me all the way through. As you say, some of the Newcomer ones can be very soothing. I like Mickey B as well. Lots of humour, but quite mad as well. He grates on me a little if I listen too him now, but a lot of his messages have stuck with me and kept me sober. He talks really well on the phenomena of craving, and how that AV can really twist our thoughts and try to convince us that it is actually quite sensible to take the first drink, rather than complete insanity. Anyway. I'm pleased that they're helping you.

I love my Friday night meeting as well. I try to travel there with my AA best buddies because it's in the next town. I get back to my little city at 10pm and can get a take out to eat in my pyjamas then go to bed and read so I'm not about when my partner comes rolling in when the pubs shut, talking gibberish. That meeting means I can cope with him at the weekends without getting cross (unless he does something REALLY stupid and inconsiderate ). I really enjoy my Sunday evening one as well, which I feel sets me up for the week ahead.

Keep going back, and listen and learn. Don't be afraid to ask questions if things don't make much sense. Some of the slogans on the cards especially, made very little sense to me at first, and they just seemed like nonsensical catch phrases, and it irritated me when people would fire , them at me, or use them to sum something up. Once I understood the meaning behind them they became useful tools for my own sobriety and I find them popping into my own head now, to counteract any of my old alcoholic insanity that lurks there and can still threaten to take over by stealth, especially when two or more of the HALT triggers are at play (Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired ).

Wishing you well for your continued sobriety and recovery.

Berrybean

PS the guest speaker at my Sunday meeting referred to her own eating issues, saying that if she doesn't work her program and stay spiritually fit, her alcoholism starts to 'come out sideways'. (Food issues and compulsive shopping). I quite liked that turn of phrase, and it reminded me of this thread.