One year ago today (it's not how it sounds, sadly)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 403
One year ago today (it's not how it sounds, sadly)
I don't have any great news to share about one year ago today. I hope I will be able to post this message without the addendum next year on 6/11.
One year ago today, I started the bender that landed me in the hospital. My husband was with me the first night (it was a fourth of July party). After, he had to travel, so I simply stayed on and drank all week with my friend. Her husband was at work and she'd make frequent runs to stock us up on tequila and vodka (we drank straight from the bottle all day long). When my husband landed, he happily text messaged me, thinking I was at home. This was the beginning of "almost lost the whole marriage" number one. I drew the line at driving drunk with kids. Actually, at that point, I was no longer drunk (the booze was doing little for me). I was either in withdrawal or just super tired (I know this because at the hospital my BAC was 0.0--that was about 8 hours after he picked me up (he was angrier than a hornet). He did not know the extent of my alcoholism.
So, stint number one. My electrolytes were off, and I had alcoholic acidosis and some other problems. Organs were all normal. I'm not being flippant about my stay and I needed to go. I was happy to walk away mostly unscathed and joined IOP. I was really happy (like I am now--that's why this all scares me). Why? Because after three months, I was right back where I started, except worse. Of course, I started slowly and moderated, until June 11 of this year when my husband once again rushed me in when I was having labored breathing, dehydration, etc.
Things caught up with me in early June. My story is on here, so I won't bore you with it again. If I thought I nearly died last time, I don't know what to think about this time. I finally looked at the documents and it was really bad. Each report said I was critically ill with many comorbitities (sp?) and organs were failing, etc. I was on dialysis for 12 hours and knocked out. Maybe someone reading can stop before you are at the mercy of death's door. I'm young, haven't drunk as much as others (in terms of length), etc. That means nothing and I don't mean it to sound judgmental. I just didn't think it could happen after 8 years (four of them hard). But, it did.
I don't walk away scott free (I wouldn't say I was scott free last time, esp emotionally), but this time, I have many followups (but thankfully, most looked good when I left the hospital 2 weeks ago).
Please think of me and give me advice. Last time, I was clean for 3 months. I hit a very rough patch with my husband. After three tries (of leaving the house and going in the opposite direction of the bottle shop and fighting my AV, I finally ended up there on the third try). At that point, a half of pint was enough to do it. At the end, I was drinking nearly a fifth or more a day.
This stuff is worse than nightmares.
So, within a year, starting with one year ago today, I have really taken my body for a ride.
One year ago today, I started the bender that landed me in the hospital. My husband was with me the first night (it was a fourth of July party). After, he had to travel, so I simply stayed on and drank all week with my friend. Her husband was at work and she'd make frequent runs to stock us up on tequila and vodka (we drank straight from the bottle all day long). When my husband landed, he happily text messaged me, thinking I was at home. This was the beginning of "almost lost the whole marriage" number one. I drew the line at driving drunk with kids. Actually, at that point, I was no longer drunk (the booze was doing little for me). I was either in withdrawal or just super tired (I know this because at the hospital my BAC was 0.0--that was about 8 hours after he picked me up (he was angrier than a hornet). He did not know the extent of my alcoholism.
So, stint number one. My electrolytes were off, and I had alcoholic acidosis and some other problems. Organs were all normal. I'm not being flippant about my stay and I needed to go. I was happy to walk away mostly unscathed and joined IOP. I was really happy (like I am now--that's why this all scares me). Why? Because after three months, I was right back where I started, except worse. Of course, I started slowly and moderated, until June 11 of this year when my husband once again rushed me in when I was having labored breathing, dehydration, etc.
Things caught up with me in early June. My story is on here, so I won't bore you with it again. If I thought I nearly died last time, I don't know what to think about this time. I finally looked at the documents and it was really bad. Each report said I was critically ill with many comorbitities (sp?) and organs were failing, etc. I was on dialysis for 12 hours and knocked out. Maybe someone reading can stop before you are at the mercy of death's door. I'm young, haven't drunk as much as others (in terms of length), etc. That means nothing and I don't mean it to sound judgmental. I just didn't think it could happen after 8 years (four of them hard). But, it did.
I don't walk away scott free (I wouldn't say I was scott free last time, esp emotionally), but this time, I have many followups (but thankfully, most looked good when I left the hospital 2 weeks ago).
Please think of me and give me advice. Last time, I was clean for 3 months. I hit a very rough patch with my husband. After three tries (of leaving the house and going in the opposite direction of the bottle shop and fighting my AV, I finally ended up there on the third try). At that point, a half of pint was enough to do it. At the end, I was drinking nearly a fifth or more a day.
This stuff is worse than nightmares.
So, within a year, starting with one year ago today, I have really taken my body for a ride.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Sorry to hear about these continued problems. It's good you got three months sobriety before. What did you do at that time that's different to what you did when you were drinking and how can you restart that programme?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
You just have to keep on and collect days of abstinence, I cannot say there are any special tricks but you just have to not drink, I know that it sounds like I am over simplifying because yes, none of us would be here if it was that easy- in which case I also recommend diversion tactics, which for me are Netflix, light reading, comedies and coffee.
I mean it was just a ton of that in the beginning and that was my very lazy yet effective early, early sobriety tactic. I kept it light, no heavy reading, shows or otherwise, not even the news. I mean I was trying to keep my ship afloat so to speak so I could worry about the rest of the world later. Much later.
Now the thing is for me personally also it was helpful to realize that it IS hard and I WOULD hate it. If I accepted that then I could do it. Kind of like... I dunno, when dieting basically you just have to know that yes at times you will be hungry and if you can deal with that, then you can lose weight.
Reach out often.
I mean it was just a ton of that in the beginning and that was my very lazy yet effective early, early sobriety tactic. I kept it light, no heavy reading, shows or otherwise, not even the news. I mean I was trying to keep my ship afloat so to speak so I could worry about the rest of the world later. Much later.
Now the thing is for me personally also it was helpful to realize that it IS hard and I WOULD hate it. If I accepted that then I could do it. Kind of like... I dunno, when dieting basically you just have to know that yes at times you will be hungry and if you can deal with that, then you can lose weight.
Reach out often.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Sleepie articulated how I have managed to string some sober time together very well - I know at some point during year one I will need a group or some way to kick it up a notch, but in very early days? Netflix, try to go easy, accept that you will feel discomfort at times and dont trust your thoughts because your brain (the addicted part) is literally trying to kill you.
For me, finally accepting that there would never be a time when conditions "felt" optimum to quit - and understanding that even if every single life situation were the same EXCEPT for me (changing into a sober adult) - was the "game changer".
No matter what is happening all around you, I think it is possible to have peace inside.
For me, finally accepting that there would never be a time when conditions "felt" optimum to quit - and understanding that even if every single life situation were the same EXCEPT for me (changing into a sober adult) - was the "game changer".
No matter what is happening all around you, I think it is possible to have peace inside.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
What are you willing to do?
When my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer, she passed away several years ago, we followed the doctors orders exactly, met every appointment, had all the available treatment without question, even knowing that all we could hope for was a few months more.
Yet the alcoholic, whose disease can be arrested permanently if they are willing to do what it takes, often balks at certain things. "I will do anything, except that" "I will do that if..."
How do you feel? I would have crawled naked through a paddock of broken glass to get over my alcoholism. How about you?
When my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer, she passed away several years ago, we followed the doctors orders exactly, met every appointment, had all the available treatment without question, even knowing that all we could hope for was a few months more.
Yet the alcoholic, whose disease can be arrested permanently if they are willing to do what it takes, often balks at certain things. "I will do anything, except that" "I will do that if..."
How do you feel? I would have crawled naked through a paddock of broken glass to get over my alcoholism. How about you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
"This stuff is worse than nightmares"
Hello notgonna,
Sounds right outta the AA Big Book ...
The hideous 4 Horsemen - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair.
The Pitiful & Incomprehensible Demoralization.
The insanity of taking a drink when I was Sober, disregarding the consequences of all the previous results from bad episodes of drunkenness.
The pain I was causing myself and others, and the only way to 'drown out' the churning in my gut was to drink to oblivion, deceiving myself that a couple drinks would just help, 'settle my nerves'.
I drank for 40 years, then struggled for years trying to just make a decision to over-rule and dissociate from that damned AV. I was too far gone, and just too pathetic, as for exercising my Will to 'not drink'.
There is an alternative that ABSOLUTELY WORKS, but it is far too drastic for many, it was for me for years ... the 'Spiritual Solution' of AA.
Have you read the Book, Alcoholics Anonymous? Actually doing the WORK of the 12 Steps, and listening to Recovery Speaker messages directly focused on each Step, led me on a path to real recovery, and a way of life I could never have imagined. But I just wasn't willing to listen, or do the Work, until my Inner-Self-Life was 'Worse than my Nightmares'.
RDBplus3 ... Now Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
Hello notgonna,
Sounds right outta the AA Big Book ...
The hideous 4 Horsemen - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair.
The Pitiful & Incomprehensible Demoralization.
The insanity of taking a drink when I was Sober, disregarding the consequences of all the previous results from bad episodes of drunkenness.
The pain I was causing myself and others, and the only way to 'drown out' the churning in my gut was to drink to oblivion, deceiving myself that a couple drinks would just help, 'settle my nerves'.
I drank for 40 years, then struggled for years trying to just make a decision to over-rule and dissociate from that damned AV. I was too far gone, and just too pathetic, as for exercising my Will to 'not drink'.
There is an alternative that ABSOLUTELY WORKS, but it is far too drastic for many, it was for me for years ... the 'Spiritual Solution' of AA.
Have you read the Book, Alcoholics Anonymous? Actually doing the WORK of the 12 Steps, and listening to Recovery Speaker messages directly focused on each Step, led me on a path to real recovery, and a way of life I could never have imagined. But I just wasn't willing to listen, or do the Work, until my Inner-Self-Life was 'Worse than my Nightmares'.
RDBplus3 ... Now Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
Thank you so much for posting this. I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. For me (only 40 days in this time, so take it with a grain of salt), the cravings were made much easier this time around by drinking a TON of water...literally drinking as much as I possibly could. Hang in there, we are with you. 
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