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Old 07-03-2016, 04:37 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC View Post
Everyone here either is or aspires to be an "adversary" of alcoholism, alcoholic thinking, and alcoholic behavior.

Some of the power that comes in numbers is the much-needed and repetitive recognition and acknowledgement of dangerous thinking and behavior. For alcoholics. For all of us. You've done the very same thing yourself. Does this make you an adversary of the people you've counseled here?
I would like to think not, but I am just one man's opinion. I could certainly understand it when I first joined as I was fighting the fact that indeed I was an alcoholic.
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Old 07-03-2016, 04:42 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
I don't post this to please any of you, but I want to share.
Then why did you write this? Is there a problem with acknowledging that there may be some validity in other people's recommendations and suggestions?

Again...Your doctor can only work according to what you tell her. If you're not honest about your pain, then she will either continue or discontinue your medication, based entirely upon what you tell her. It's all up to you, and has very little to do with your Dr.'s expertise. Most people here are likely to know much more about addictions and addictive behaviors than you're doctor, with the possible exception that she specializes in addiction medicine. I don't know why it's so difficult for you to accept any of this.

It may be surprising to you that your triggers are active, but I don't know that it is for anyone else reading your comments.
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Old 07-03-2016, 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC View Post
Then why did you write this? I believe it was because I said I wanted to share.

Is there a problem with acknowledging that there may be some validity in other people's recommendations and suggestions? No

Again...Your doctor can only work according to what you tell her. If you're not honest about your pain, then she will either continue or discontinue your medication, based entirely upon what you tell her. I understand that. It's all up to you, and has very little to do with your Dr.'s expertise. Which is sad because insurance and big pharma has taken over medicine, it wasn't always like that to my knowledge.

Most people here are likely to know much more about addictions and addictive behaviors than you're doctor, with the possible exception that she specializes in addiction medicine. I don't know why it's so difficult for you to accept any of this. I don't believe its difficult for me to accept it. It believe its more difficult for me to follow through on it.

It may be surprising to you that your triggers are active, but I don't know that it is for anyone else reading your comments.
It's very surprising to me that my triggers are active. The fact that I think I'm doing quite well compared to my past must indicate as much. I (along with my wife, family and friends) were feeling very positive about how much my health and demeanor has improved in the last 12 months. But that does not seem to carry over to this forum.
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Old 07-03-2016, 05:52 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
But that does not seem to carry over to this forum.
That's because you write things like the post below, and then come back less than 24 hours later saying "hey, things are great, I'm going to a party". You also use terms like "walking the tigtrope of denial" You can't reason or argue your way out of realty. As someone mentioned in your thread yesterday, you are far beyond the tightrope and pretty much neck deep in it Jeff.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6024017
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Old 07-03-2016, 05:58 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Cutting up pills should be as much of a red flag to you as it is to me Jeff.

I'm speaking as someone who lives with a certain amount of pain.
If it is pain, time and a little physio should fix it.

Ibuprofen is great, anti inflammatory creams like Voltaren are awesome too.

If it's not pain and it's your AV angling for a fix, the best thing to do is not feed it.

Sure, I'm not a doctor - but as a mate, I really hope you'll decide to live with the pain Jeff.

I'm betting it won't be a permanent thing.

D
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Old 07-03-2016, 06:23 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Hi Jeff,

I'd like to bring up the Ibuprofen again. I had jaw surgery back in January. I was on liquid Hydrocodone at first. Well, first I was on morphine in the hospital, and then they transitioned me to a bit of the Hydrocodone just before they released me home. Once home, I took that liquid Hydrocodone for a couple of weeks (can't remember exactly how long as I was kind of out of it), and once I saw it running low, I had to transition over to the Ibuprofen.

My big red flag came when I saw myself reaching for that liquid Hydrocodone wishing it weren't running low. I would take the Ibuprofen and it seemed to work ok for the pain, but what I noticed was no 'nice' feelings anymore. None of that 'zone-out-La-La-Land' feeling anymore. It just went to work on the swelling mostly, which cut out the pain a little.

Also, I began to notice very negative feelings, feelings of paranoia and some crying and such. All those things went away when I got off the Hydrocodone.

Why not get rid of those cut up pills and get some Ibuprofen?

I think you know it's time to let them go.
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Old 07-03-2016, 06:26 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
It's very surprising to me that my triggers are active. The fact that I think I'm doing quite well compared to my past must indicate as much. I (along with my wife, family and friends) were feeling very positive about how much my health and demeanor has improved in the last 12 months. But that does not seem to carry over to this forum.
Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
Today is my father's birthday and I'm not really surprised that what he wanted for his birthday was "some help". Meaning a pill. I cut him short and direct, the answer was "no, I don't". To be honest, I felt a little bad about it, but I took into consideration that he has stolen from me on three different occasions, and if he was truly in enough pain to need medication, he'd have it. I found out that he was getting 20 days worth of medication and it was gone it 8-9 days. I tolerate a lot from him as he is getting old, but I had to put my foot down.
...

Lastly, the alcohol trigger has been strong in the last couple days. I am a lone wolf, I don't like trying to entertain a bunch of acquaintances, but I have been forced to. For years I'd drink it away, I have not and I'm kind of proud of that. I'm not a natural when it comes to entertaining, unless I am drinking.
I am a bit confused. I see several triggers for you in your posts and highlighted them in red. You don't seem to want to identify them as triggers, which I highlighted in orange.

It's okay to have triggers. It's all about how you cope with them, which is what counts and you did good. However, your AV is creeping up on you, which worries many of us here.

I agree with Dee that you should look into AVRT. I think it would really help you.
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Old 07-03-2016, 06:59 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
I (along with my wife, family and friends) were feeling very positive about how much my health and demeanor has improved in the last 12 months. But that does not seem to carry over to this forum.
No one here wants to see you fall again, Jeff. You've gotten a tremendous amount of support from many people since you've been here. This includes people responding to your honest though sometimes worrisome or disturbing comments around your thoughts and feelings towards alcohol and painkillers.

I think it's become clear that you carry ambivalence around your use of alcohol and drugs, and it would be a disservice if we didn't let you know what we see, particularly when you don't yourself seem to appreciate what's going on.

You have a competitive nature, but recovery isn't a contest. There are no trophies or parades for setting things right. We're here to help each other to keep on moving in a good direction, to get to a better place, and not to undercut people's progress for sport.
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Old 07-04-2016, 04:50 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Hi Jeff,

Lots of supportive responses here. Of course criticism as well... but if there was no antagonism at all, what would be the usefulness of comments in the context of facilitating positive change?

I'm just a bit lost in this thread though, starting from the OP. What were you looking for here? You posted about a summer party and being proud to attend sober and being apparently excited about catching up with people etc. Then some of the responses pushed the discussion towards your opiate use and you got engaged in that conversation. So what is it about? The pills, issues around socializing sober, being proud of your progress that others here apparently do not recognize well enough, what is it really that bothers you right now?
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Old 07-04-2016, 05:46 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Yikes. I see resentment (at others), anger (at yourself AND others), defiance (exactly that, no matter what you say you don't want to be), and illusions. Among other things.

I knew I was an alcoholic for a long time- far too long.
I denied it, sort of, til it was way, WAY bigger than me.
I refused to just - stop.
When you stop drinking - your mind starts to clear and you are TRULY able to assess your situation. You may not admit step 1 in AA terms, that you are powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable...that can take awhile. Some people really never get past Step 1 - in whatever language their program speaks- but it is the key. But getting your AV to stop, even just one day then the next then the next - your sober mind WILL start to be able to get in through the cracks.

Then, you can decide or possibly begin to see and accept your situation. Or not. But giving that sober voice a chance to speak, even just to whisper, is IMO what needs to happen for any of us to decide what we need to do. And decide not to be addicted IS a decision. As we say in AA, sobriety is a plan of ACTION.

I hope you hear all of us - or, really, LISTEN to what is being said.

Prayers just for you, today.
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Old 07-04-2016, 05:53 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC View Post
No one here wants to see you fall again, Jeff. You've gotten a tremendous amount of support from many people since you've been here. This includes people responding to your honest though sometimes worrisome or disturbing comments around your thoughts and feelings towards alcohol and painkillers.

I think it's become clear that you carry ambivalence around your use of alcohol and drugs, and it would be a disservice if we didn't let you know what we see, particularly when you don't yourself seem to appreciate what's going on.

You have a competitive nature, but recovery isn't a contest. There are no trophies or parades for setting things right. We're here to help each other to keep on moving in a good direction, to get to a better place, and not to undercut people's progress for sport.
This - and, truly? Recovery is a game where everyone should win. Not get medals for participation like a lot of kids' sports seem to hand out, but with Every. Single. One. of us winning.
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Old 07-04-2016, 09:26 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Endgame mentioned (as well as others) that I appear to have an ambivalence about drug and alcohol use. I think that pretty much hits the bullseye. Need to get through this "holiday" and do a serious reassessment. I'm uncomfortably close to the ship going off course.
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Old 07-04-2016, 03:00 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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You can do a reassessment now Jeff - no need to put it off...in fact before the festivities might be the best time you could do such a thing?

D
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Old 07-04-2016, 05:02 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Yes, for sure Dee. I am staying in tonight while others enjoy the firework displays. Need to be sharp tomorrow and all week. Also, need to reel myself in a little. Too many thoughts of drinking the last few days. Too much celebrating going on all around me and I'm minimizing the consequences if I were to partake.
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Old 07-04-2016, 05:12 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Hi, Jeff,

For the record, I think you've made progress. You're not the same guy that we first met when you joined SR.

I'm not the same woman I was when I joined SR, either. A lot of growth takes place on SR.

One of the harder steps for many of us -- all of us? -- is to recognize when we've hit a wall. When the next step seems too high. It's happened with me. I've come to the point where I recognized that despite a lot of growth -- and being within spitting distance of three years of sobriety -- there's more to be accomplished. And that I cannot do it alone. I've made an appointment with a therapist.

It's hard to admit the next hurdles are high ones. Ambivalence has been your next hurdle for a long time.

I encourage you to think about how to clear the next hurdle and how external help could play an important part, if you let it. You've often conceded that the notion of therapy or a group such as NA/AA is well outside of your comfort zone. But that concession, for you, seems to me to be your "I'm not that kind of guy, therefore I can't ..." strategy.

That strategy isn't working real well when you feel like the ship is coming close to going off course. It's time to seek reinforcements.

You do deserve kudos for sticking with it here. We see many names disappear from our community. Or we see them return to report that, indeed, their strategies didn't work.

It takes courage to ask for help. Be brave.
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Old 07-04-2016, 05:19 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Hang in there buddy..... Sounds like everyone here genuinely just cares about you. It's why you're here, it's why I'm here and it's why they're here. For support anytime we need it and can give it. Keep posting
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Old 07-04-2016, 06:17 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Hi Jeff,

Glad you decided to stay in and reassess where you are in recovery. I am currently at a BBQ with friends, and barely anyone is drinking.
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