letitgo

Well back to square 1 after 10 months. My downfall never having a legitimate plan and daily regiment. I plan on sticking closer to SR. I am dumbfounded on how addition strikes. I was fine until the f it all moment occured and i failed. I didn't use my tools. I felt my relapse was pre-programmed.
I felt great for a while but temptation and old habits. Excuses are my issue. I am unsure if i want complete sobriety deep down.

Trees39

Nice to see you. Welcome back.

strategery

It's so wonderful to see you again Letitgo!

Soberwolf

Welcome back you thought about what changes you can make to stay sober

LadyBlue0527

Hi letitgo, you're back here which is important. You're questioning if you want complete sobriety deep down and that's a valid question to be asking yourself.

What happens when you don't have sobriety and what brought you here in the first place? Are those same reasons consistent or did they fade?

You seem to already know where you fail. As for the relapse being preprogrammed I've seen both Dee and Anna say that a relapse begins long before the first drink is taken.

You have to find a way to get past the f it moment. You want this or you wouldn't be here. Have you ever tried going back and reading the first post that brought you here? Sometimes that helps.

I'm glad you're back.

ZenLifter

Nice to meet you, letitgo. I think failure is not really failure if you learn from it. Start over, my friend

least

I hope you plan to work harder on your sobriety this time. It's worth it.

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank but I'm glad you're back letitgo.

I really recommend you make a recovery plan - those 'f it' moments are probably going to happen again sometime

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

D

uncorked

It's really hard to change those ingrained patterns. But it can be done, as your 10 months' sober attests to. You've done it before and you can do it again!

ScottFromWI

That's the core of the issue. If you don't want to be sober, it will be very difficult to do. You have come here, so that means at least part of you wants it.

Hevyn

You came back and didn't give up - that's what matters. I'm so glad you're trying again, letitgo. We know you can do it.

Delilah1

Welcome back Letitgo. What worked for you during your ten months of sobriety? Can you think of anything you might want to add to help you remain sober.

I believe deep down you do want to be sober which is why you came here and posted. You can do this.;-)

venuscat

Hello let.

So happy to see you again.

Dee74

I don't think someone who worked as hard or as long to get sober as you did is really that ambivalent.

I know your AV will try and push that idea - that there's a time, and you're 'not there' yet but that's pretty much BS.....

You're done whenever you want to be done - be done, let

D

Hevyn

Hope you're doing ok today, let. Thinking of you.

letitgo

Thank your for your support SR family.
I am getting back on track. I feel the slippery slope starting again. It feels innocent at first but the obsession continues. An un healthy 1 2 3 4 5 neverending everyday cycle.

The thing the kills is why do i feel the need for self destruction. How can I become totally dedicated?

What worked well? Sticking close to SR. Exercise, meditation, gratitude and stay away from stinking thinking. I felt really great. One night i just said ok lets have a few. I started smoking cigarettes again to releive stress. Thst was a joke. Tomorrow is day 1 again. In all honesty i belong here.
Having a drink or two isnt sufficient for me.

Dharma33

(((Let)))

Good to see you back!

Is my memory correct that you have done AA in the past? Do you have a sponsor?



Big Dharma

Nowsthetime

Yes!!! 1 or 2, for what? Drinking sucks. It makes us feel so crappy physically and mentally in the long run. Have you tried AVRT? I feel your rational brain knows but you AV is saying you might not want complete sobriety.

Try to explore that. 10 months is great. You know what to do. One of the most valuable thing I learned here was that it is easy to stop but it is harder to stay stopped. Work your plan and interact more here. When I have ended up drinking it is because I got complacent and I stopped working at it .

You DO belong here and more than ever.

Hope to see you around.

letitgo

YesYes i read aa literature and attending meetings. I have read avrt and numerous recovery books. The issue is holding out hope that i can drink once in a while.
You are right. Its easy to stop but difficult to stay stopped.
My plan is to put all my quit reasons on paper. Life was great in sobriety. I can feel that rebound anxiety from drinking. That thought after 2 well whats the point. Wanting more and more. Therr is no enjoyed unless I am buzzed. Once buzzed i get hammered and feel like crap. There is no magical fix or turn off. Its infinity or none.

dwtbd

Drinking and getting drunk did a lot of things to me, but nothing for me. Part of the leap of faith that I took when I decided to quit for good, full stop, was that I was worth not having those types of things done to me. I say leap of faith because part of my thinking(my AV) was convinced on some level that I wasn't worth it, I would always be a drinker , even knowing the damage I was doing because of some kind of flaw ,I was inherently 'not good enough' and didn't deserve or didn't have the capacity to be happy.
It was probably the biggest load of crap I swallowed, everyone is worthy of it, and it surely will never happen if we harbor even a small concession to that crap idea. Start believing you are worthy , that you do in fact Deserve it, because you do we all do. Alcohol is a depressant it will only act to intensify the feelings of negativity, take a leap and try to believe the truth , the truth that you do deserve it and that deep down you know you want to believe.
Rootin for ya, you deserve it , grab it