mylife4today

Hi everyone,

I am new to AA. All I ever hear about is how the solution is in the steps. How working the steps is very important and how that is the actual solution. I joined in April and got a sponsor. She approached me and asked if I needed a sponsor . I said yes and we began our sponsor/sponsee relationship in April. I was very desperate for help and willing to do anything. She gave me the assignment to pray every day for God to help me stay sober for 24 hours. Then she told me to read the 24 Hour Hazeldon daily app and text her my thoughts on what it said. Then to journal my thoughts and do a gratitude list. Other than me doing these morning assignments and seeing her at the same meeting we attend twice a week nothing else really happened. We did meet together face to face about 5 times over those 2 months. We would meet at a restaurant and she would have me there for over 3 hours. Almost the entire time she would talk to me about herself. She would talk about her life, her ex husband, her kids and her job. She really hates her job and finds it frustrating so she talks a lot about that. I almost never get to say a word. I am over here dying from alcoholism. Dying from guilt, regret and shame. And I am dying to know how I can tolerate and live my life on a daily basis without drinking but I never hear any solution from her. Finally after 2 hours of listening to her talk endlessly she says to open the BIg Book. She wants us to read the Big Book together word for word and then she tells me what to underline or highlight. I have asked her if we will ever get to the steps. She says it could take a year or longer but we will get there. What she wants us to do is just read alouds. After 2 months we barely made it past the foreword because we don't have a regular time to meet and 75% of the time she is talking about other things. After 65 days of surviving, I finally couldn't take it anymore and I just went back to the bar. I saw no solution offered. I guess I can read it for myself and do my best to work these steps on my own. Once I walked back into the bar I was right back into my drinking nightmare. For 2 weeks straight I drank every other day. I kept going to the meetings though. I kept confessing to her the truth. But after 2 weeks she started getting frustrated with me and asked me to come to lunch. We met at lunch and she told me that I am most likely the hopeless case the BB talks about in How It works. That some people are incapable of honesty etc and are hopeless. She said she is willing to keep working with me but that she has little hope for me. That I will probably end up dead. At the meeting we went to together while we were sitting together she had her back turned to me and was furiously tapping her toe with her arms crossed acting angry with me. Lunch was horribly uncomfortable because of how clearly disappointed and mad she was. I told her that I do want to change and stop drinking for good but that I desperately feel that I need to be doing SOMETHING of action. That I have heard the solution is in the steps and after 65 days we had not even barely discussed them. She told me that we had finally begun to discuss step one the day before I went to the bar. Now this is true but by the time we got to step one 65 days in I was already pretty much mentally beat down and finished with trying to do this with no real solution in sight. She told me that she wanted to try talking to me about the steps that minute while we were at lunch but it was clear I was disturbed, agitated, unfocused, depressed and anxious. She said that I have been this way from the start and until I can stop being that way she can't start the steps with me. Well that means NEVER because that is how I am. And that is why I drink . It's true I have a lot of anxiety and fears and worries. That's why I drink!! I was under the impression that working the steps is what relieves you of that. She said as far as she is concerned that she has never known anyone who got on their knees every morning and asked God to keep them sober who didn't stay sober. I'm the first to ask God for help and still drink. I'm confused. Is this program just asking God for help? I've done that. I know He can help me but I thought there was more to this program than that. I thought it had a plan of action to help more than just telling me to pray and go away. I am frustrated at this point. I am just not willing to give up. So I keep going to meetings and there another woman came up to me and asked if I wanted her number. We got together , had coffee, and talked about our stories. It was nice for someone to finally listen to me. I'm not a big talker or person to dominate conversations. It's not that. It's just that I have a whole mess of secrets and horrible feelings inside me and need someone I can trust to get it out of me so I can try to move on from this somehow. Maybe I just need someone to hear what I've been doing so they can tell me I'm not the worst piece of crap in the world that has ever lived and maybe there is still hope for me. This woman took me to another meeting elsewhere and it was pretty good. I am afraid to officially get another sponsor though because I finally texted my sponsor and told her that I appreciate everything she has done for me but that I am going to release her from the obligation of being my sponsor and I will keep praying for God to help me . She responded that she will pray for me and that she is glad for the opportunity to see through me how much life sucks when you are an active alcoholic. So thanks for reminding her that my life sucks so bad she wouldn't ever want to drink again. None of the people from the AA group are texting me anymore so I am assuming she told everyone that I have decided to keep drinking. That is not the case. I am still trying very hard to stay sober (day 4 today) I have never stoppped trying. I just don't want her to be my sponsor anymore. Now I feel like I can't even go back to that group. Somehow all this is feeling way too much like highschool drama and it's the last thing I need when I'm over here trying to pull it together. Does anyone have advice/ I am frustrated with the fact that no one seems to want to tell me how long it should take someone to work the steps and when if ever the sponsor will start doing it? I may try again with this new girl but if all we are going to do is sit around and chat then that will never be enough for me. I can do that at the bar with all my other friends who offer no real solution either. Thanks for listening.

Jeni26

Hello, and welcome to SR, it's really good to have you with us. I'm sorry you had that experience with your sponsor.

In my experience, a sponsors role is to take you through the steps and this can be done as quickly as you are both able to manage it. She isn't there to be friends with you, or chat about her life, or insist you attend certain meetings.

I was so desperate in the end that I went to meetings and shared that I needed someone to take me through the steps and was looking for someone who'd had a spiritual experience to help me.

In the end I went on a 12 step retreat and went through them in a weekend (apart from making my amends). I live in steps 10, 11 and 12, and now meet weekly with a sponsor to discuss applying them to my life.

I agree, if you follow the AA path, the steps are the solution.

If you are able, find some different meetings and make it known that you are looking for help. There are plenty of good people around, it sounds like you were unlucky.

There is a 12 step forum here on SR, some good advice there too.

Glad you are here, don't give up ❤️

Soberwolf

Welcome Mylifetoday

August252015

You need a new sponsor. There are a lot of things that seem cruel about her "approach."

The step work should begin immediately. Other assignments should supplement them. Sponsors all work a little differently- example, one of my two is rigid and I call her at exactly 815 every am; we meet for an hour and a half every Sun at 1030. We read the BB starting from pg 1 and we are now on my step 4. We do discuss her too, but mainly she is my counsel since this is abt 45 days being my sponsor.

My other sponsor is more laid back about calls but we maintain text and phone contact
We will start mtg for an hour after our werkly Wed lunch group mtg. She had me get a 12 step womens' wkbk and sent me a companion journal.

All sponsors work differently but step work and BB should be the foundation.

You need to be proactive and find a new sponsor- it certainly seems she is not really able to be one, for whatever reasons, right now. If AA is your way to get sober then you need good help.

Good luck.

HeadingtoChange

The Book you refer to as the Big Book hasn't changed much since it was written in terms of the solution she is referring to;it outlines a course of action for the desperate, hopeless alcoholic. In the beginning AA only dealt with bottom end drinks meaning that most that were in AA had lost it all and they would get them onto the steps (ignore pre-steps for the moment) in an effort to effect a kind of spiritual awakening in the person afflicted by alcoholism. They knew that the alcoholic did not have much time to effect a change so they would get them into the steps asap.

Now you have a different AA wherein you have people who work the program as they did in the beginning, you know the one that works and others like your sponsor who will quote thinks like 'meeting makers make it' and tell you not to worry, yes you are an alcoholic like in the Big Book but unlike it states in the Book you do not need to embark on a life saving course of action immediately but sit around and talk much the same stuff you talked about in the pub but without the drink in hand.

Imagine going to a clinical psychologist and then telling you to read a book, attend a support group and they would start you on working on yourself in a year.

This sponsor is one of the people you used to drink with but now instead of being fanatically obsessed with alcohol she has AA. She is not a trained professional and not following the AA program.

Get a sponsor who has worked the program quickly to the best of their ability and has had the mental obsession removed.

You could always get professional help too. Best of luck.

miamifella

There are a lot of sober people who were told that they would "never get it" and were going to die of this disease.

This woman was a destructive lunatic. I am sure that other people in your group already know this about her. (She had to approach you to be her sponsee because no one was going to ask her to be their sponsor.)

Sad to say, there are a lot of people like her out there. Just choose wisely when asking someone to be a sponsor, and do not be afraid to drop them if they are not helpful.

There are helpful people in the program. But there are a lot of jerks as well. You just have to figure out who the helpful people are.

But you can do this. She does not know what she is talking about.

mylife4today

I don't know how to delete a post. I made a second post by accident and can't figure out how to delete it

mylife4today

Do people have more than one sponsor? I did not realize that. Maybe I should not have officially dropped her then which made it awkward

Mountainmanbob

No set program although
I have my sponsee s read the book
then we start the Steps.

I have heard that in the beginning of the program new comers were taken through the Steps very quickly.

My sponsor and I studied together the doctor's opinion for a while before getting on with the Steps.

I have let a few sponsors go over the years. Always worked out for the best.

Mountainman

Mountainmanbob

Not the usual but neither is it that uncommon.

MM

LadyBlue0527

mylife4today, I was a little confused about your post.

Unless I'm off base here when you're doing that reading and highlighting along with the discussion you are working on the steps.

Anyone else have input on this?

miamifella

I think this is your disease talking.

To keep her on after your last meeting serves no purpose. You know that you cannot go to her for help. You know that she is rooting for you to "fail."

But you are worried about awkwardness?????

Dropping her sponsorship was the action of a sober person. Keeping her on to avoid feeling uncomfortable is what an addict in active addiction would do.

miamifella

I do not think this is the point.

To tell an alcoholic that they are one of the people for whom there is no hope is just wrong.

Whether what others things she did were right or wrong is not really relevant. The program depends on a willingness to help others. Telling someone that he or she is beyond help means you are operating outside the program.

This sponsor could have said that she herself could not help mylife4today if she wanted out. But to tell say that mylife4today could not be helped was beyond the pale. (And unfortunately too common an action in the program.)

It is like talking about the quality of the housekeeping service on the Titanic. There is a larger issue that overshadows the housekeeping.

LadyBlue0527

miamifella, not sure if you misread my post. My point had nothing to do with looking for a new sponsor. I was sincerely asking if anyone heard of reading the Big Book first then working on the steps. I agree that a new sponsor is necessary here.

miamifella

Yes. Reading the Big Book before doing the steps is common.

Telling other people what to highlight and underline however is not.

LadyBlue0527

I would not have known that. Thanks.

jseattle

Therapists at my program strongly believe that you should approach and ask for a sponsor, and that someone who approaches you to sponsor is a big red flag. Just tell this person that the fit is not right. Find someone who works.

sugarbear1

I met a woman on day 12 of sobriety and we talked. She guided me through the steps on Sunday, day 14 of sobriety. We spent two days together working the steps with amazing results.

Then I read the big book line by line with a sponsor and discussed them....

I did work all 12 steps at 4 months, 8 months (learning the sponsor's role this time) and at 18 months of sobriety.

I began sponsoring others at 8 months of sobriety. I now have a little over 5 years of sobriety and I remain teachable......

sugarbear1

"reading and highlighting along with the discussion you are working on the steps."

This is studying the text of AA (big book), NOT working the steps.

ZenLifter

I think you are perfectly right in getting a new sponsor. A year to get to the steps? Plus she seems to be pretty selfish. Not what I would look for in a sponsor. Good luck finding one who is right for you and will give you proper guidance