One day at a time just feels like its not working
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 403
I'm sorry. I'm feeling impatience, too. I'm only a few weeks out almost 21 days--but the first of those were spent in the hospital). My husband and I have had a rocky relationship due to many things, not just the alcohol. He is generally (even when I'm sober) very narcissistic and self-centered. Example: this morning, he was aggravated at a bunch of other little things. He couldn't bother to say good morning and for the first time since we've been getting along post-hospital, he was pretty rude to me. Even though I did a lot wrong, I won't put up with being treated like an utter door mat--I've been bending over backwards for him since I've gotten out (he didn't bend over backwards for me while I was using. In fact, he's so into himself that he didn't notice if I was sober or not. I could play it off really well. It wasn't one of those situations where he was in know and pretended not to be. I told him I was dehydrated and stressed and he believed it. So, I kind of think it's stupid for him to be so aggravated when the only signs of my alcoholism (which he didn't know about) was that I was being a b and starting stupid fights.
I digress. Point is, now that I'm back, I feel like he's taking his time (that's fine), but it's sending mixed signals for him to be so nice at times, cold at other times, initiating intimate acts (is this allowed to be said here?), and then not really showing any emotional attention (this was case even when I was sober, thought I was sober).
Is this normal? Where does one draw the line between being conciliatory and acting out nicely for forgiveness and feeling emotionally abused
I digress. Point is, now that I'm back, I feel like he's taking his time (that's fine), but it's sending mixed signals for him to be so nice at times, cold at other times, initiating intimate acts (is this allowed to be said here?), and then not really showing any emotional attention (this was case even when I was sober, thought I was sober).
Is this normal? Where does one draw the line between being conciliatory and acting out nicely for forgiveness and feeling emotionally abused
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by notgonnastoptry 
I'm sorry. I'm feeling impatience, too. I'm only a few weeks out almost 21 days--but the first of those were spent in the hospital). My husband and I have had a rocky relationship due to many things, not just the alcohol. He is generally (even when I'm sober) very narcissistic and self-centered. Example: this morning, he was aggravated at a bunch of other little things. He couldn't bother to say good morning and for the first time since we've been getting along post-hospital, he was pretty rude to me. Even though I did a lot wrong, I won't put up with being treated like an utter door mat--I've been bending over backwards for him since I've gotten out (he didn't bend over backwards for me while I was using. In fact, he's so into himself that he didn't notice if I was sober or not. I could play it off really well. It wasn't one of those situations where he was in know and pretended not to be. I told him I was dehydrated and stressed and he believed it. So, I kind of think it's stupid for him to be so aggravated when the only signs of my alcoholism (which he didn't know about) was that I was being a b and starting stupid fights.
I digress. Point is, now that I'm back, I feel like he's taking his time (that's fine), but it's sending mixed signals for him to be so nice at times, cold at other times, initiating intimate acts (is this allowed to be said here?), and then not really showing any emotional attention (this was case even when I was sober, thought I was sober).
Is this normal? Where does one draw the line between being conciliatory and acting out nicely for forgiveness and feeling emotionally abused
I digress. Point is, now that I'm back, I feel like he's taking his time (that's fine), but it's sending mixed signals for him to be so nice at times, cold at other times, initiating intimate acts (is this allowed to be said here?), and then not really showing any emotional attention (this was case even when I was sober, thought I was sober).
Is this normal? Where does one draw the line between being conciliatory and acting out nicely for forgiveness and feeling emotionally abused
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I don't know anything about AA or the steps. But as others have said, bridges you spent years burning won't be repaired overnight. Knowing that doesn't make it easier, I realize that.
You're a good guy, GetRight. I'm sure you're sincerely trying your best. Try to hang in there as best you can. Forgiveness has to come on her time, not yours. That's hard but it is what it is.
You're a good guy, GetRight. I'm sure you're sincerely trying your best. Try to hang in there as best you can. Forgiveness has to come on her time, not yours. That's hard but it is what it is.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
The first couple of steps were easier for me as I had no problem admitting I was powerless over alcohol and turning my life over to something greater than myself. We went over these and made sure I understood everything I was reading and analzying. My sponsor gave me the go ahead as he thought I was ready to be where I'm at which should take me the longest amount of time to complete than any of the steps so far. We all go at our own pace and I had a differnt sponsor before where we did a lot of reading before my relaspe.
Originally Posted by jseattle
If you are that far in steps in 56 days you are probably going too fast. Making amends is a very very tricky one. Have you read about what it is and is not in the BB? I'm not even on step 1 yet and I'm at 2 + months.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Absolutely I've learned a hell of a lot about myself these last couple of months. I've been digging real deep within my soul searching and realizing how selfish I have been over the years. It's amazing what you do end up realizing about yourself when you take the time to sit down and listen.
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
Have you learned about your self-centeredness and selfishness in the other steps? Now we begin to be more useful to others......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
I think I didnt explain myself well when I initially wrote everything. My amends was to my mother in law about the issues between her and I. I didnt say I was sorry to her. I didnt ask for forgiveness. I admitted my wrongs. I didnt make any excuses. We talked candidly and we ended on a good note.
On the other hand with my wife and I that was a seperate issue about the sorrys etc, and living a life of not being trusted was a whole separate thing. My drinking caused me to do some terrible things. Within those things that I did the trust disappeared. So I know what amends means and its not an "I'm sorry...please forgive me party".
On the other hand with my wife and I that was a seperate issue about the sorrys etc, and living a life of not being trusted was a whole separate thing. My drinking caused me to do some terrible things. Within those things that I did the trust disappeared. So I know what amends means and its not an "I'm sorry...please forgive me party".
Originally Posted by digdug
I would talk to your sponsor again about what amends actually are.
Amends are not about how many ways you can say that you are sorry. Amends are about how you can make things right. For relationships that were negatively affected by our drinking, that's usually done through living amends, i.e., your actions on a daily basis. You need to accept that it's going to take a while for your sober actions to start having a positive effect on your relationships. For many of us, it's taken years to repair the damage drinking alcoholically did on our relationships. Some people never come around. That is not in our control. But what is in our control is staying sober and to keep trying on a daily basis to show that we are not the same person we were when we were drinking.
Amends are not about how many ways you can say that you are sorry. Amends are about how you can make things right. For relationships that were negatively affected by our drinking, that's usually done through living amends, i.e., your actions on a daily basis. You need to accept that it's going to take a while for your sober actions to start having a positive effect on your relationships. For many of us, it's taken years to repair the damage drinking alcoholically did on our relationships. Some people never come around. That is not in our control. But what is in our control is staying sober and to keep trying on a daily basis to show that we are not the same person we were when we were drinking.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 39
Not sure if the amend process if different in your group. I imagine that the amend is being done in the same way as the religious context wherein you would be amending your future behaviour to reflect your commitment to change thereby putting yourself in a position where, in effect, you can over time forgive yourself for whatever behaviour it was you think is unacceptable. In this case both you and the other person will see if your behaviour does really change and, if it does, then you will start to forgive yourself and the other person can decide to do that or not. Healthy people don't live in absolutes so it is likely that over time that you will see some improvement in the opinions of others if you remain consistent with your 'promise'.
Bottom line is though, from my understanding, is that an amend is for you to be able to change. The other people involved will make up their own minds and that does not have to be your concern. Sounds like you have made a good start. An amend does not just make everything ok for everyone immediately, but your change in behaviour can if visible over time.
Bottom line is though, from my understanding, is that an amend is for you to be able to change. The other people involved will make up their own minds and that does not have to be your concern. Sounds like you have made a good start. An amend does not just make everything ok for everyone immediately, but your change in behaviour can if visible over time.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 138
I notice in the inventory other people are wrong a lot, and that doesn't change overnight any more than we do. Just because we ourselves get beaten through misery into experimenting with a new suggested independent approach to life - actually looking past blinding blame and soberly analyzing our own faults as they were and are, doesn't mean others will.
Accepting our flaws kinda means we will sorta have to accept theirs too - learning to seriously consider the true well being of others, and right relations, is a whole new adventure. Not everyone considers laboring for no reward, and can get downright pissy over lousy pay.
Everybody has their dependencies and demands, and those placed squarely on alcoholics went largely disappointed.
If we could have done better we might have. Charges stayed. Let it be reciprocal. The aggrieved might have 86'd us long ago, if they are sore, let 'em vent awhile - if it's the first time we appear to be listening, angry hurt people like to be heard, right or wrong. Our well being isn't dependent on them, but on our new consideration of them. We start to realize how sick we had become with fear and self will, but others may remain hurt and angry, and to large degree emotionally sickened by us.
If we have done what we were able this day, i think, more will be revealed tomorrow. Progress and truth for ourselves, tolerance and consideration for others, no matter how seemingly intolerable at the time. This can mean self restraint and willpower. But less likely to blow our cool all over the place as we start seeing real fruit from this tree, in independence, emotional balance, humor, goodwill, good purpose. Those steps are only guides by which we can measure our progress, or willingness to progress, to more righter living. They say so long as we are willing to grow along such lines, we will. Only if we give up and lapse into discouragement, pessimism, hostility, lousy conduct and disregard they say we for sure will drink again.
I keep trying to remind myself I have a New Boss, and it isn't them. Keeps me in a different new zone, seeking truth over excuses. Can't change what people think of me, much of it well earned - only what they ought to, little by little. Amends is where we have realized better attitudes and start to take responsibility for others' well being and not our own. Only a bare start has been made on practices that should continue for a lifetime. They say down the road we will apply them because we like to and see real benefits.
Accepting our flaws kinda means we will sorta have to accept theirs too - learning to seriously consider the true well being of others, and right relations, is a whole new adventure. Not everyone considers laboring for no reward, and can get downright pissy over lousy pay.
Everybody has their dependencies and demands, and those placed squarely on alcoholics went largely disappointed.
If we could have done better we might have. Charges stayed. Let it be reciprocal. The aggrieved might have 86'd us long ago, if they are sore, let 'em vent awhile - if it's the first time we appear to be listening, angry hurt people like to be heard, right or wrong. Our well being isn't dependent on them, but on our new consideration of them. We start to realize how sick we had become with fear and self will, but others may remain hurt and angry, and to large degree emotionally sickened by us.If we have done what we were able this day, i think, more will be revealed tomorrow. Progress and truth for ourselves, tolerance and consideration for others, no matter how seemingly intolerable at the time.
This can mean self restraint and willpower. But less likely to blow our cool all over the place as we start seeing real fruit from this tree, in independence, emotional balance, humor, goodwill, good purpose. Those steps are only guides by which we can measure our progress, or willingness to progress, to more righter living. They say so long as we are willing to grow along such lines, we will. Only if we give up and lapse into discouragement, pessimism, hostility, lousy conduct and disregard they say we for sure will drink again.I keep trying to remind myself I have a New Boss, and it isn't them. Keeps me in a different new zone, seeking truth over excuses. Can't change what people think of me, much of it well earned - only what they ought to, little by little. Amends is where we have realized better attitudes and start to take responsibility for others' well being and not our own. Only a bare start has been made on practices that should continue for a lifetime. They say down the road we will apply them because we like to and see real benefits.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 486
digdug sums up my feelings exactly. Exactly. Thanks, digdug.
We have no control over others, and amends aren't about words. They are about repairative actions that take time. 56 days is awesome. Keep on keeping on, and really think about amends versus words. Most of those close to us close to us have heard our words until they are sick to death. It's not for us to decide their time frame. It takes time....and actions to regain trust. And it is true......some folks will NOT forgive us.....but we cannot control that. But when can still try to make amends. They have no obligation to accept, but that is on them.
We have no control over others, and amends aren't about words. They are about repairative actions that take time. 56 days is awesome. Keep on keeping on, and really think about amends versus words. Most of those close to us close to us have heard our words until they are sick to death. It's not for us to decide their time frame. It takes time....and actions to regain trust. And it is true......some folks will NOT forgive us.....but we cannot control that. But when can still try to make amends. They have no obligation to accept, but that is on them.
Originally Posted by digdug
I would talk to your sponsor again about what amends actually are.
Amends are not about how many ways you can say that you are sorry. Amends are about how you can make things right. For relationships that were negatively affected by our drinking, that's usually done through living amends, i.e., your actions on a daily basis. You need to accept that it's going to take a while for your sober actions to start having a positive effect on your relationships. For many of us, it's taken years to repair the damage drinking alcoholically did on our relationships. Some people never come around. That is not in our control. But what is in our control is staying sober and to keep trying on a daily basis to show that we are not the same person we were when we were drinking.
Amends are not about how many ways you can say that you are sorry. Amends are about how you can make things right. For relationships that were negatively affected by our drinking, that's usually done through living amends, i.e., your actions on a daily basis. You need to accept that it's going to take a while for your sober actions to start having a positive effect on your relationships. For many of us, it's taken years to repair the damage drinking alcoholically did on our relationships. Some people never come around. That is not in our control. But what is in our control is staying sober and to keep trying on a daily basis to show that we are not the same person we were when we were drinking.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC View Post
I want to say that making amends at fifty six days would not have worked for me.
I want to say that making amends at fifty six days would not have worked for me.
I'm sure that there are many different ways and time frames to go through the steps. My sober 4th of July weekend is being spent just starting the writing of step 4. I've had a chance to read with my sponsor, to discuss each step in length, and to not move forward until I felt comfortable that I had completed the step. From what I'm understanding I will be on step 4 for a while and be filling lots and lots of pages in notebooks.
gettright15, are you feeling good about all the steps that you've completed so far and where you are now?
I have no right to judge how quickly anyone does the steps. I just know that I am nowhere near ready to start making amends.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
I feel really good at where I'm at. Also remember I had a previous sponsor that I was reading with. We didnt hit the steps yet as we were discussing about Bills story, the preface, the doctors letters, and discussing the "Real Alcoholic". When I relapsed my new sponsor and I hit the ground running, and I already agreed with and was on my path for steps 1-3. I know I can do this by myself. I know I have to believe in something greater than myself to maintain my sobriety. I took a few weeks on my inventory and and asking God to remove my short comings. We read multiple times a week together for hours. So yes I think I have a stong understanding of where I'm at currently. Ill be on 9 for a while as I wont just breeze through this.
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
I'm at 55 days today and that was my first thought too.
I'm sure that there are many different ways and time frames to go through the steps. My sober 4th of July weekend is being spent just starting the writing of step 4. I've had a chance to read with my sponsor, to discuss each step in length, and to not move forward until I felt comfortable that I had completed the step. From what I'm understanding I will be on step 4 for a while and be filling lots and lots of pages in notebooks.
gettright15, are you feeling good about all the steps that you've completed so far and where you are now?
I have no right to judge how quickly anyone does the steps. I just know that I am nowhere near ready to start making amends.
I'm sure that there are many different ways and time frames to go through the steps. My sober 4th of July weekend is being spent just starting the writing of step 4. I've had a chance to read with my sponsor, to discuss each step in length, and to not move forward until I felt comfortable that I had completed the step. From what I'm understanding I will be on step 4 for a while and be filling lots and lots of pages in notebooks.
gettright15, are you feeling good about all the steps that you've completed so far and where you are now?
I have no right to judge how quickly anyone does the steps. I just know that I am nowhere near ready to start making amends.
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