Ibelieve

I’ve been lurking here for awhile now. Last night I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning reading threads on these boards. When I finally went to bed, I cried and prayed with what little strength I have left. I thought of the scene in The Passion, where Mary Magdalene crawled to Jesus’ feet. I think it’s the closest to surrender that I’ve ever been. I know I’m on the road to hell and I see the only exit sign is NA/AA.

For many years, I was a highly functioning addict / alcoholic and then along came oxycontin/ lortab and I managed to destroy my life in no time. One night I decided I’d had enough and took about 40 trazadone’s. When I woke up, I checked myself into a psych hospital/ then rehab. That was two years ago.

I did manage to get off the pills, but continued smoking weed (like a fiend I might add). I started working again a year ago. I have a B.A degree and plan to get into a teaching program. I was a social worker, but ruined my career due to my addiction.

Anyway, I started drinking again around the time I started working. On some level, I knew the danger because I started going to AA too. But then I stopped. Within the last few weeks, I discovered a pill connection at work. I am truly terrified. I know I need help. I don’t want to trash the rest of my life and the new beginning God has given me.

I know I am caught in a vicious cycle and that my addiction is ruling me and will be my demise unless I stop. My problem isn’t denial, it’s self loathing—sooo much guilt and shame that it is overwhelming. Still, there’s a part of me that has faith and hope (albeit a small part). That’s the part that’s writing this. Thank you for listening. Please pray for me. I need a miracle.

Just for today I’m going to stay sober (I hope).

bliss

Thanks for sharing with us. Please come on here as much as you need to if that helps. Even if you stay sober a minute at a time you are accomplishing something. Don't give up. You can do it!

Gabe

Prayers going up.
I believe in miracles.
Yours is out there.

lulu70

Hello Ibelieve. Welcome. I hear a lot of self-knowledge and surrender in your post. I know the feelings of self-loathing, guilt and shame very well. But you can overcome them. God loves everyone--even you. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict (pot was my DOC) and I can honestly tell you, "If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps." You CAN do this. Get to a meeting--FAST. People there understand what you are going through and where you are coming from. WE understand too.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs--

Dan

Miracles are crafted here every day.
You just started yours.
Prayers up IBelieve.

Ibelieve

Wow. I took my dog for her morning walk right after I posted this. I know this probably sounds crazy, but birds kept flying really close, or perching ahead of me and singing. I felt it was a sign. Then I came by here and found your words of hope and encouragement. Thank you all so much. Just for today I am going to stay sober one minute at a time. Despite my self, I do believe in miracles. Finding the courage to finally post is a small miracle. Your support is a bigger one. Thanks again.

Dan

Yep.
InSpire.
In Spirit.
In Spite of myself.
So glad you're here.

Cap3

I will for sure say prayers for you.I will do my part in helping.Are you ready to do your part?Are you willing to do what it takes for recovery?For prayers without works is dead.I say this with kindness and caring in my heart.Miracles happen when folks get to moving,and do the do things.To do the same ole same ole gets the same results.Being over-remorseful,guilt, shame use to be my companions for years,until i did my 4-9 steps in AA.Then i recieved the miracle of total realise from these emotions.Freedom from these bondages.Your in my thoughts and prayers.Make a decision for a recovery program and do it.You are no longer all alone..
God bless,,take care!!!!!!!!!!!

Ibelieve

The last three times I relapsed, I was working step four. My compulsive nature had me convinced I should do all 12 at once. Needless to say, that didn't work very well. I know what it takes for recovery; I wish I could say that I'm postively going to make it this time, but I have fallen before filled with determination that I wouldn't. I do know my works have been utter self destruction and I don't want that anymore. It's like I'm at a crossroad and I must choose the path to ruin or the path to freedom. I'm sick and tired of the slow suicide I know that for sure. So, all I have left is the tiny hope that the Lord will give me the strength and courage to do the work that it takes to get me well. And I know that begins with sobriety.

I know all about prayer in the absence of faith. Right now I'm praying for the faith that I can do this. Today my prayer is that I may find the strength to go to any length to keep myself sober with the faith that sanity and peace are sure to follow.

skippy69

Ibelieve

I know how you are feeling right now, Ive been there too. The guilty shameful feelings that come along with addiction. But, (thank God for buts) I have been given another chance also thru Gods never ending grace. The story doesnt end with Mary Magdalene just bowing at Jesus feet. She also was feeling the guilt and shame of her past, and just like today, there were those pointing there pious fingers at her. Jesus does something unheard of, and lifts her up and tells her that her sins had been forgiven and to go and sin no more. What we have to understand here is that she was at the bottom,broken, and repentant, and Jesus knew that. You cant erase your past, but you can do something about your future, and I believe that you will. You seem to know that you have been given another chance. What an awesome thing to know that you can live another day sober. Its our choice. I read a great scripture in the bible the other day. It says "that if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature, old things are passed away, all things have become new." What an awesome thing to know that He doesnt judge us for our past if we truly are sorry for what we have done. Its not always easy, but I have such peace just knowing I have the power thru Him to make it. You can make it also. Praying for you.

Skippy

KelKel

2dayzmuse

(((Ibelieve)))

I believe there is hope. I hope for a better life for those who suffer. I believe it's our decision to make the changes and watch the miracles unfold. Take the tools and the gifts of knowledge and work them to make a difference in your life and the lives of others. Good luck...

LeAnne

Richie

Ibelieve.Prayer is our greatest asset.It is so simple to do.Even without words God hears what is in your heart.I'm sure a lot of people are praying for you.God bless you.

Ibelieve

Thank you Skippy. This is so beautiful and profound I think I will print this for inspiration. Well all of you have been so nice and supportive I think I will print out this thread for inspiration. But this in particular really hits home for me because a big part of my problem is not feeling worthy of redemption. Yet on the flip side, I know no one is "worthy", it is by grace that our sins are forgiven. And I have felt that awesome feeling you speak of, believing with my essence of being that through HIM, all things are new. Now that is a high like no other. And I don't miss the irony that the only way to come down from that incredible place is me f***ing up. Then it's harder to get back up because of the shame of falling. What a vicious cycle. The amazing thing is though, he keeps taking my hand and pulling me back up everytime I've earnestly reached out.

Today I am very grateful because he's done it again. I truly thank all of you for your prayers and amazing support.

I MADE IT THROUGH THE DAY WITHOUT :sink . In fact, I told my co-worker that was giving me the Lortabs that I am an addict and how pain pills destroyed my life before and I don't want to go back there ever again. She was shocked, and promised me that she wouldn't give me any should Fienda (the name I've given to my addiction) come a callin. I also managed not to smoke any weed or drink.

I owe a big part of today to all of you. My work schedule is kind of crazy and I can't get to meetings on a daily basis right now. The tremendous support I have been given by all of you, I pray will be enough until my schedule changes. This place rocks :beerchug: {gingerale, not beer

skippy69

So glad for you. I normally dont write beautiful and profound things, so I know with out a doubt that what I wrote was meant for you to read. Not just read, but to put in action the words you read. That moment in time was meant for you Ibelieve, and " I believe" that. God is no respect of persons, He loves you as much as anybody in this world. Stay strong and positive. YOU WILL MAKE IT, I JUST KNOW IT!!!!!! If you need to talk, dont hesitate to write me. Still praying for you.

Skippy


YOU CANT WIN THE BATTLE, IF YOU DONT START THE FIGHT!!!!!!

3legacy

((((((((Ibelieve))))))))
How is Today beginning for you? Needs someone to talk to?

Three Legs

Sandy Marie

Hi IBelieve,
I'm so glad you're finding what you need here. There are so many resources out there and all of them fill in the little holes that need plugging up. You're doing great now and can move forward taking a few steps at a time but always with the big picture that you'll be free of your addictive behavior. Keep digging and moving ahead. You can do it!
Sandy

josezette

I believe in YOU!!

Cap3

Hey again Ibelieve,you say,the tiny hope that the Lord will give me the strenght.I wish i could postively say im going to make it.hmmmmm.I can only speak here of my experience in da hopes that its helpful to you.When i went back to drinking,after being sober for many years,it was becasue i took back...my...will.I stoped doing the do things.I lost that conscious contact with God,on a daily basies.I have program.God,s strenght is always, there,and i also have free will.God was not down on Grace for me that day that i went back to drinking.It was i,,and i alone who chose to do MY will...This program works when i work it.Gods Grace and strenght is always there when im willing to let go of my will,and surrender.God helps me.The question is,,am i willing?Im the problem.Nothing and no one else is.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless take care!!!!!!