Endeavor

Been 10 days since my last meltdown. Decided to have a drink today, 2 Martini's, the right way. Yeah, I can still conceit to my moron behavior.

In fact, I'm f'd up right now. Ton's of work done today, I just finished and more lined up for tomorrow, but crap man. I found a way to find an excuse and tomorrow will be light enough to handle it. That was my reasoning, so I took a "break".

Wife loves me, I get my shiat done and perform. It's not the way I want to be, yet I self delegated a way for me to ok with being wonked today. Tomorrow begins vacation for 8 days. I'll hide it soon enough and be like; worked a lot today babe, I'm shot. She'll be like no problem; I got this, relax.

We could be sitting together tonight bullshitting for hours and you'd never know I'm drunk, just my way. Somewhere along the line, I just started feeling like this shiat isn't right. It hasn't been outwardly destructive yet, outside of my own feelings, but I know I'm on a bad path.

Here's to preventative measures. Yes, I'm toasted and just toasted to my idiotic self.

Independence day weekending ahead, didn't plan on funking myself up and may not this weekend just to stay sharp, but why in the F did do this on a Thursday!?!?! I'm so weak sometimes, it disgusts me.

Dee74

Hi Endeavour.
It's pretty common to falter a time or two. I'm not sure what you're doing for your recovery plan, but it's probably fair to say you need a little more than what you're doing?

this is a good link for making a recovery plan tailored to your needs

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

you can make that 'will not this weekend'

D

blueberry2015

Whats done is done, try not to beat yourself up and start again tomorrow. Have you any support to stay off the booze?

FreeOwl

You sound a little like the things I used to tell myself too, endeavor.

But it only got worse.

desertsong

You did it because it sounded like a good idea at the time. I get it.

So how do you plan to stop with the holiday weekend ahead?

Endeavor

I don't know what the plan is. I'm not even sure if I need a plan, an alcoholic, a problem drinker or just someone who is worried about their future. What I do know is the people on this forum have helped me in a number of ways.

Right now I'm just pissed off at myself for being lit on a Thursday, sometimes it's just not fun anymore.

I woke up rocking it, did well today and knowing tomorrow is my last day having to work for the next 8 decided to let loose. I regret that decision.

Dee74

You're lit on a Thursday.
No matter what kind of drinker you class yourself as, you need a plan.

D

Endeavor

I'm am able to drink my nuts off without consequence, my wife is so on point, so I find time to be a moron. So for the wife's choice to or not to this weekend and the kids, I just wouldn't. It's not a choice, I would never put me before them.

It did sound like a good idea earlier, now I'm shot. Stupid.

dwtbd

Your kids will always be your kids, but they are only children for small portion of their life, what part of that time do you think they don't care if dad is toasted and shot?
Btw , I tried to think they wouldn't care as long as I didn't, but I bet I was wrong.

Endeavor

Coming down now. That is a very clear and poignant thought.

Thank you.

thomas11

With regards to your OP, very common and understandable. I think an important think about your OP is that you realize fully what you've done and why you did it. That should give you a head start. 8 days of vacation sounds potentially dangerous, hopefully you don't go down the rabbit hole.

Endeavor

Well, perhaps the first step toward positive change begins with regret of your last step down. All is good at home. Showered, hydrated and heading to bed.

Wife thinks I'm just shot from a long and productive day. She's right. Been working since 6am, less the whole getting f'd up in the afternoon part. I feel like such a dope.

Soberwolf

Get a plan going don't let alcohol own you

doggonecarl

A couple reasons for this, perhaps. 1) You were only committed to a "break" from drinking, not sobriety. And 2), you might have underestimated the problem you have.

Endeavor

Well, at least I stopped early after 2 big ones last night and feeling pretty good with a solid night sleep. I must have been emanating a juniper musk in bed, because my wife hands me 2 advil with a coffee this morning and says “feel better and take it easy tonight” then reminds me of our dinner plans with the inlaws later.

No traffic whatsoever to the office this morning. Thankfully we're out at 3pm today, can't take another half day like yesterday; but should be an easy one ahead.

Thanks all for the insight last night. Today is July 1st and I'm resetting the count back to 1 vs.0

Have a great and safe independence day weekend everyone.

MLD51

I underestimated my "problem" for years.
Maybe with 8 days off, you will have time to come up with a plan to help you quit, if you actually want to. I had to really want to, but once I did, once the drinking just wasn't fun, when I started to regret almost every drink I had, it was clear I needed help. I got help. I could not have done it alone - I knew this because I had tried so many times. Outwardly, I seemed fine to most people - lots of folks were surprised when I quit and told them why. Those close to me were relieved, because it was clear to them I had a problem. If you think those close to you don't notice or care, you might be very surprised.

Make plans for the upcoming days that keep you busy doing alcohol-free activities with your kids. at the same time, think hard about what your options are for getting some help. And stick close to SR.

D122y

End,

Regarding drinking, you are 1 thing...an addict.

Like a crackhead....but your teeth wont fall out, but your brain and body are under duress.

The withdrawals are there in the form of any excuse used to drink...good or bad.

It is tough to quit a legal drug. Especially, on vaca. Just got back from Cancun. Had to turn down all inclusive booze from dusk till dawn.

There will be stress and anxiety. They are amplified by a clean brain dealing w life after years of booze induced numbing.

It gets better. It gets amazing.

CaseyW

Hope today is a better day with wiser choices, Endeavor. Wishing you the best...

Endeavor

Like yesterday, I was able to take a half day after completing my work headed home, no kids, no responsibility for a number of hours and there I go making myself a few drinks.

In the past I've gone 30-60 days without thinking about it. Usually busy enough where my time goes to work, sleep and family. I was pissed off about it, because it was only 10 days since my last session and used the time alone to be self destructive.

I'd like to get the habit back under control, when I actually enjoyed a night out with a few drinks; 1 maybe 2 times a month on occasion only. Home alone just isn't my idea of fun any more, yet did it anyway and that is the problem; hence the bad path I mentioned.

Thanks again for the perspective and advice. I'm working on it.

Soberwolf

If you could control it don't you think you would be doing so already ?