samjamie16

I've been dating a recovering alcoholic for 2 months. I met her in my old job and we fell in love at first sight. I found out she was a recovering alcoholic after about 4 days of going on dates with her, she told me everything and it was hard at first but I have accepted her for who she is. I started a job at the same time we met and it's a bit stressful. Recently I have been suffering from anxiety. Combined with my new relationship it's very hard and makes me sad sometimes. I love this girl to bits, we plan on getting married, kids, the whole kit and kaboodle. We've just moved in together too. I know it's very soon but it feels so right. We are so in love with each other.
It all sounds great so far but I am constantly worried that she will someday drink and take some steps backwards. She checked herself into hospital in April to detox and had been trying to stay sober ever since. She's had a couple of blips but nothing too much. I'm just worried I might get pushed away and we won't have our dream future together. Sometimes I feel I am not strong enough to cope with all of this. That's why I believe I have been feeling so down. I haven't been myself for a few months now. I just don't want to lose her and I really believe she is 'the one' for me. Any help anyone? Thanks in advance.

doggonecarl

Blips? You mean drinking? That's not recovering...

You have right to be worried. She's new to sobriety and shouldn't be taking on something as stressful as a new relationship. I expect you to stay and "love" her sober. But at least put the idea of marriage and kids on the back shelf until she's attained at least a year of blip-free recovery.

In the meantime, check out our Friends and Family of Alcoholic forum and see what lies in store for you if her drinking resumes.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

Soberwolf

Welcome SamJamie

IvanMike

The number of red flags your post raises is staggering.

I've got news for you, you can't fix each other, and that is exactly what the two of you are looking for. This is not my first time watching this story.

The best thing you could do for her is to break it off and let her work on her recovery, even if it means losing her.

The best thing you could do for you is to break it off and work on your own issues, even if it means losing her.

This is not what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

If you decide to keep doing what you are doing be prepared for a ride. In that case the best thing you can do for her is to let her spend her time and energy on her recovery (hopefully she is involved with AA or NA or another support group). Likewise, you need to address your issues and not expect her and the relationship to fix them for you.

This is real life, not fantasy, and we ignore it at our own peril, and at the peril of others.

Mountainmanbob

I wonder if the two of you can work solid Programs, take it slow on the dating and both stay totally sober for the next two years ?

Mountainman

JD

I'm sorry you're getting so much negative feedback, but this is a disaster in the works. She detoxed in April? So, maybe, two and a half months ago and she's already had a few "blips" That's not recovery and even if she didn't have the blips it would still be very early in recovery. Staying sober is very hard and her prognosis is not very good at this point.

You're in pretty deep at this point and if you're having anxiety already it'll probably only get worse. If this is truly a relationship that will last the rest of your life then it will last putting off any thing else that will tie you together. I wouldn't make any other moves for a good long time. In the mean time learn what you can about alcoholism. Read and post in the friends and family forum. It would also be good to attend some alanon meetings.

tomsteve

you didn't cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it

tomsteve

p.s.
im not sure what your dream future looks like, but from this side it reads like its going to have a lot of nightmares

entropy1964

Well you've pretty much heard the truth here. Even if she weren't an alcoholic...in love, living together, marriage and kids after 2 months? Nope.

She hasn't isn't in recovery yet she's just had some abstinence.

Honestly a healthy man would probably run not walk from this. Check al anon.

AnvilheadII

sooo, after dating for TWO months, which lines up with her getting out of detox, you two are LIVING together, and planning on getting MARRIED?? no wonder you have anxiety! as it is, she is not sober, blips mean DRINKING. this has all moved WAY too fast......you two don't even know each other yet!

i hope you can take a good objective look at the situation and slow your roll!

soberclover

Some great feedback here friend. It may be hard to read and think about, but the wonderful thing about this site is that it is chock-full of recovering folks with tons of experience. They truly are my go-to people when I need to figure life out. I am so glad you found this site and I hope to continue see you posting

Ariesagain

Your instincts are screaming at you and they're absolutely right.

I know how hard it is to hear all this, but please, please...the best thing you and she can do is take a long break so she can focus on her recovery as much as possible. If you did mean "drinking" for "blips," she's still in active addiction and worse, every time she relapses it makes the biochemical process of addiction stronger.

I'm sorry. Sending you a hug.

August252015

THIS.
THIS.
THIS.

Did I make that clear enough??

When I read your post I thought: OH MY GOD, NO. And- I made a lot of the same mistakes. DON'T. Please, don't.

My words are harsh but oh, my, they come from experience, as both the drinker and the drink-ee.

This is a situation you just might not make it out of intact.

Leezer

As a person with only 4 months of sobriety myself, I can tell you that I, me, would NEVER get in a serious relationship this early. I need to work on me. Alcohol ruined my marriage. It sounds like both of you have individual issues that are about to fuse into one frightful mess. We are not trying to be harsh, but we do all see red flags everywhere. And blips ARE drinking. They are.

Leezer

P.S. Please look at my join date and see how long I have known I have had a problem....actually longer, but that is the date I joined...almost a DECADE ago...

August252015

And...
THIS.
THIS.
THIS.

Honest question for yourself: Are you the kind of person you would want to marry?

Tough one.

Boy, have you struck a chord with me!
I hope not to read this scenario unfold as dramatically and painfully as it looks like it will. Picking up the pieces Is. So. Hard.

Prayers for you.

samjamie16

I really appreciate all your comments, regardless if they are negative sounding. I am prepared to take them because I've come on here for help. At the start I did say no initially but I've fallen in love with this person, love is such a strong feeling and it would feel incredibly hard to break it off now. Yeah, we talk about marriage, kids etc, but we haven't actually got them things yet. Nothing wrong with talking to someone about that! Just feel like I want to help her through it all and help her recover. Yeah marriage and kids in the future, of course. I want to see how it pans out first. I know you lot have had experience, but surely, there is a chance it can work? Someone where in history this has happened before and it must have worked out?

EndGameNYC

Your question suggests that what you're planning on is an extreme rarity...throughout history(!).

Love is not what we feel, what we think, or what we say. It's what we do.

You're asking for trouble by attempting to guide a veritable stranger -- at least up until a couple of months ago, and right after she was discharged from detox -- through sobriety. Even if you have experience with this yourself, and I don't see any evidence that this is the case.

Since you are convinced that what you're feeling is love, I don't see any way that you're going to step back from your two-months, live-in relationship. In fact, you've already dived into the co-dependency pool at full throttle.

You may not like or agree with what you're reading, but no mature, experienced adult in their right mind would recommend that you forge ahead and hope for the best.

You have good reasons to be anxious.

Meraviglioso

I am sure some relationships like this work out but what we are trying to say is not at this early stage. Your girlfriend is in the midst of one of the most difficult things she will have to face in her life. New sobriety is a confusing time, combine that with new love- also full of emotions and at times confusing- and you have a very complex situation.

AnvilheadII

some mail order bride marriages worked out ok too. but that's like buying a house, a Leer Jet and a yacht and hoping you hit lotto so you can pay for it all.

i'm curious, how much do you KNOW about alcoholism? how much experience do you have working with other alcoholics? what is your concept of recovery?

you aren't in love....you are chemically driven and attracted to someone who you think you can help. just the way drugs feel at first.....