Ariesagain

Love doesn't conquer all. Sad, but true.

Besides...if you reread your original post do you really seem happy? That seems like an awful lot of words like "stress," "anxiety," "haven't been myself," "sad," "I have been feeling so down lately..." Does that really sound like a young person in the first throes of falling in love?

To me it sounds like deep down you know you've got a tiger by the tail and are hoping for the best.

There are so many myths about love that get us all in trouble..."the one," "love at first sight," "meant to be"....that's all Hallmark Channel love, not reality. I guarantee you there is more than "one" who can make you happy, and I'm sorry to be so blunt, I'm not at all sure this "one" is and it's only been two months.

Keep your eyes opened and give it time before you make anything official, okay?

Ambuler

I am a recovering alcoholic.

It took 3 years initially for my alcoholism to finally make my relationship with my husband implode-the first time.

Two years later it happened again.

We both went through extensive therapy, and I went to so many 12-step meetings I've lost count, before we reconciled a second time.

Three years later I'm trying sobriety again.

I won't say that it's impossible for you two to live happily ever after, but I will say you're in for one hell of a ride.

You've gotten a lot of sage advice here from people on both sides of the fence who have years upon years of experience dealing with addiction in their lives. If you're looking for anything different, or for someone to say that it's going to be easy, you won't get it here. And that is a very good thing. You couldn't pay for advice like you're getting. You are probably going to have to learn it the hard way, and that's ok, but not one bit of the advice that you're getting is off point.

Pray to God for strength and wisdom, because you'll need it. I wish you guys the best.

samjamie16

Again, thanks for the comments. Seem to be getting more negative but I do understand why. I know I have a battle to fight and I may lose it but I also may win it. It will be incredibly hard but I think I'd rather spend the time with her whilst I'm can because we make each other happy I know I am stressed and sad etc but it's got a hell of a lot better in 1-2 months so somethinghas changed for the good. Again I say thank you and I know everyone is saying this because they don't want me to get hurt because they have been through it before of experienced something like this which I know must be hard and you are passing on your thoughts and concerns which is what I want. I will post my updates on here to let you know how it goes. I can't help the way I feel about her, I wouldn't have chosen to 'fall' for someone who is a recovering alcoholic for obvious reasons, but it just happened. I am not the sort of person to run at the first sign of danger or if it gets a little tricky. Done that my whole life with jobs etc so I'm not about to throw this away. I know it's a massive thing to take on, understand, cope with etc, but I'd rather give it a go for me and her and potentially fail rather than thinking 'what if?'

samjamie16

I am
After honesty, not lies, so that's why I've come here, said that from the start

KissMyTiara

Sam, if I may ask what is SHE doing for her recovery? You said she went to detox 2 months ago but that is not recovery. Does she have a plan? Is she receiving therapy? Is she going to AA? Rational Recovery? Is she on any online boards like this one? She needs to take responsibility for her own recovery. You can't do it for her. White knuckling and just trying not to drink often leads to failure in the case of an alcoholic.

RedManc7

I'm a recovering alcoholic heroin addict etc just reiterating what's already been said she needs to focus on her recovery - no relationships for a year I was told when I got off heroin - it made sense but was hard on one level as with drugs out of my life there was a huge void vast expanses of time etc and dating etc was tempting. I'd be really concerned by the blips and also by the fact that the relationship is into the emotional intensity of talking marriage etc after just 8 weeks. That's risky territory my friend. On so many levels.
Us addicts have lots of secrets and it's like a Russian doll peeling away the layers of our true self - not sure you can really know an addict (or anyone to be fair) in 2 months.

tomsteve

has anyone introduced you t the friends and family of alcoholics forum?
it might do ya good to go over there and also learn about codependency and enabling.

you may FEEL you are receiving negative feedback, but the experience here is trying to help you to not lose yourself more than you already have.

samjamie16

She's tried a few things like AA and generally trying not to drink. She's been keeping busy and I know it's not 'real' recovery but what is?! Everyone is different. She's also had CBT and hypnotherapy. She goes to church for her sins. Think she does all she can. I know it's hard for her. Pointless saying don't start a relationship because we already have. I'm obviously missing something here. Hope not but only time will tell. The marriage talk is just joking about, we both want to get married, we don't know it will be too each other we just would like t think it will be, what's the big deal?! I welcome the feedback how do you mean already that I'm lost?

MIRecovery

I wouldn't have married me in early sobriety and at 7 years I'm still not sure if I'm marriage material even though I'm married.

I'm still working through issues because of my life as a drunk. As others have said your relationship with each other has disaster written all over it.

That is not to say it can never work but not until she has been 100% sober for an extended period of time and is working a solid program of recovery. Then and only then would I consider a serious relationship.

JD

The term "terminal uniqueness" comes to mind. That's when you think the situation or your feelings are so much different than anyone else's that you're special in some way.

samjamie16

Sometimes I don't know what to think. I think about breaking it off but I don't want to. Everything about her I love apart from the drinking. Family, friends, personality, etc... Should I really let the drink (which she is trying her best to get rid of) spoil what might be a great relationship?

Venecia

Like others, I encourage you to visit the Friends and Family section of SR. Posters there can give you good insight into what life with an alcoholic is like.

Ariesagain

I appreciate that you're keeping such an open mind and you understand exactly why we're all hopping up and down begging you not to make the mistakes we did.

But you are asking the wrong question and it's a vitally important one...I've changed the pronoun: "Should SHE really let the drink...spoil what might be a great relationship?" It's not on you, it's on her.

You can't cure it, you didn't cause it, and you can't control it.

Best of luck to you, really. You seem like a lovely guy.

uncorked

Oh gosh, I'm sorry to have to add to the consensus here. You're in the throes of a new romance and can't see straight. I doubt anyone can talk you down from the ledge, but you asked.

Alcohol was part of the reason my marriage didn't work out. I've been sober over 8 months and I'm nowhere ready for a relationship. Can yours work out? Maybe. But only if you give it room to breathe.

See, you can't "help" your gf. She has to do the heavy lifting. She has to be accountable to herself. Distractions --i.e. a new boyfriend -- will not help her in the long run. She's learning a whole new way to deal with life, and it's hard work. Putting energy into a new relationship will drain her emotions and her resolve. (She will probably deny this but it's true. People can only hold so many eggs in so many baskets. )

Give her time to be sober. And remember that you can't fix her.

madgirl

So - I take it you don't drink with her?

August252015

OH BOY. Based on that, as someone said - do you know anything about alcoholism? Because there is such a thing as REAL RECOVERY. And those of us who are trying to live it EVERY DAY. And it is HARD. But she's not doing "all she can" - even those words....no way.

It seems like you won't really hear anything we are saying- you say "Yes, I hear you, but" in your responses.

You will make your own choices. I wish you well.

Txjeepguy

Take a look down in the friends and family forum and see what you could potentially be setting yourself up for.

For a minute there I thought you might be dating my ex. We hit it off strong and fast with big grand plans. Healthy people don't talk marriage two months in... We were doing that and now I know that should have been a red flag. Her alcohol problems were covering other problems.

Think long and hard. If you're stressed and anxious 2 months in, it won't get better, only worse.

Ariesagain

TxJeepGuy knows what he's talking about...read his thread here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...reat-self.html

TJG, I hope you don't mind?

LBrain

There is no need to add to what has already been said. Take it to heart because it is true and honest feedback.

I thought I would comment on the question posed above.
I've seen drink spoil what already WAS a great relationship after several and many years. Far too many well established relationships have been ruined by drinking. Yet you are willing to bet on something that's still in it's puppy love stage to survive it.
I hope you are able to digest what's been said without becoming overly defensive. If you are serious about this girl and she is you, and you honestly want to give it a try, I suggest you go to a marriage counselor or couples therapy and discuss this. The money spent on that will save you in the long run. Please consider it if you are going to deflect all of the previous advice.

Txjeepguy

Not at all

If My story can help prevent him going through what I'm dealing with... That's why it's posted