tomsteve

PLEASE listen to this and take it very strongly to heart.
it was only 12 years ago a very good friend of mine, who loved his vodka( because he had become physically dependant on it) was told by the doctors," the alcohol has caused internal bleeding and in your condition you have about a 10% chance of making it through surgery."
he died 6 days later.

August252015

^^^I don't think this can be over-emphasized.

I am a broken record here, but will keep on being one: I was SO sick in Feb. It was quit or die. I have very strong flashes of the "He Kicked the Sh*t Out of Me" conversation with my (amazing) liver dr but I do NOT remember the part where he told my dad I would probably have a year to 18mo to live if I didn't stop. That is how sick I was.

This is stop, do-not-pass-go time.

It will kill you.

From my own journal notes in answer to my sponsor asking me to name three things I learned about life bc of my addiction:
"(Thing #2) Life forgives - to a point. Physical pain, emotional pain, any kind of trauma. We get chances to recover - until we don't. Drinking robs us of these chances, til it kills us, which is the last chance."

notgonnastoptry

Thanks, all.

I don't have bad cravings--especially now that I'm in the honeymoon stage and read those docs. But, I used to get an adrenaline surge when I'd think about summer holidays, especially the fourth. Good food, good friends, fireworks for the kids, and booze for us. My husband is very responsible, so I was able to drink freely while he watched the kids and enjoyed the more kiddie stuff. At this point, I can't go to these places. I'm not afraid I will drink (I'm scared to death of it right now and haven't even looked at the real issues yet--the nodules, etc.) but I'm afraid I'll feel like I'm missing out.

oh well. I guess I'll just stay home or go to community/park district so my kids will get to see the fireworks.

tomsteve

its going to take T.I.M.E.
I know for me I had a year full of firsts without alcohol to go through- 1st fourth of july. 1st birthday, Christmas, etc......all them times I used as an excuse to drink.
but now I can enjoy those events for what they are and do it without alcohol.

it took a lot of footwork on lookin at what makes me tick and changing me, but well worth it.

thomas11

I can completely understand those types of feelings. I think they are natural and human nature. Its not my place to say this, but I am going to anyway:
I believe you need to take a very serious look at a wholesale lifestyle/mindset change. It sounds as if your vodka is emotionally connected to many many of the wonderful things we enjoy in life. That option has been taken away from you. Therefore, you will need to "reinvent" yourself. I firmly believe it.

Some people become runners, others knit and crochet, some journal, scrapbook, photography, paint, read....whatever....anything. And of course none are probably as "sexy" as getting a good drink on. But I think we can both agree, its gonna kill ya.

What I do doesn't really matter, but I'll share anyway. I've been injured for the last year. I read, I researched, I studied history, documentaries. And now I'm starting another business with one employee (me). So I will work. That's what I'll do. work.

graciepearl

Wow so glad you made it through. And what a reminder for us all we are just one binge away. Thanks for sharing !!

notgonnastoptry

Thanks again, all.

I finally got a hold of the hospitalist (that's what he's called, I guess). I asked specifically about the nodes because I see my GP on Friday. He said that most of the notes on them came while I was intubated. Then they called the gastro in. He looked at them and said they aren't cancer and they are related to the fatty liver. They should still be watched. Of course, I'm still going to mention this to my G.P.

But that was a little good news in the aftermath.

Wow--some of the stories above about how it can just kill you--they are very scary and I was almost right there. Easily could have died. It was touch and go in the early days.

I will heed all of your advice. Aside from my body, my marriage and personal life and professional life (which thankfully went uninterrupted because of the nature of my job and my high functioning) cannot take it anymore.

I'm really happy now, no depression, etc., but I'm wondering if it's just because I'm on a high.

tomsteve

"I'm really happy now, no depression, etc., but I'm wondering if it's just because I'm on a high.'

that could be the pink cloud many talk about.

IMO, I suggest ride it while keeping in mind that, along with rough times,
this,too,shall pass.

August252015

THIS is sound advice.

My experience: I was so sick that I don't really remember much of the first 5 or so weeks. I was taken to rounds of dr appts, I was driven to meetings, I went through all the physical detox (very bad), I slept, I started eating, I got through it. Then, quite honestly, I began to see and do, and it was mostly pink sky till a week right around 90 days, and then pinky again till emotional stuff has started really coming out of my thaw in the last week or so.

My response to pink sky? Love it. And want to "keep it" as my new, sober way of living - so I have been working my fanny off to shore up my recovery program. Meetings, book work, psych and the right meds, sponsor and other AA people, LOTS of communication with these people and resources, devotionals, everything. I spend the VAST majority of my time on my recovery. The bad stuff in life is gonna happen and I want the tools to handle it best I can.

Just my $0.02 about what my plan is. Working so far.

AnvilheadII

but I'm afraid I'll feel like I'm missing out.

you mean like on your own funeral??? alcohol will KILL YOU. please begin to fully embrace a sober LIFE, savor every moment, every breath. think of those who don't get another chance, another day.......let gratitude OOZE out of you!!!

OceanGuy

You're still young, turn the corner and get back to full health and a bright future!