theTHINman

I'm at 31 days sober right now and things are starting to settle down. The biggest stressor for me right now is the time away that my wife is taking to get a breathe of air and consider the future of our relationship. Right now she says she definitely wants me in her life as far as raising our daughter and as a friend, but she's not exactly sure about the romantic aspect. Things have gotten better in that we now sleep in the same bed and are intimate from time to time, whereas at the beginning of this month she didn't really want much to do with me.

Have any of you all been through something similar and had things turn out well on the other side? I know that staying sober and giving her time and space are paramount, but I'd like some proof that situations like this don't always end up in divorce. As you know, negativity and pessimism are hallmarks of early recovery and I'm trying to grasp on to any optimism I can without being overly naive, of course.

Ambuler

My husband and I went through this just over 3 years ago now. I thought he was done with me for good. He seemed to HATE me, and rightfully so. He even took out a restraining order on me. I was out of the home for two months, no contact whatsoever. The only way we kept up with each other was through the counselor we were both seeing during our separation. Yes, patience and acceptance of your part are paramount. Give her the time she needs to process her pain and heal. It took almost two years for my husband to agree to things like joint bank accounts, allowing me total access to one of our vehicles, etc. I had to show that I was serious about recovery and that I cared about HIS feelings and not just mine. Lots and lots of counseling, meetings, and time is what has healed us.

Ironically, I'm on day 6 of a new stab at sobriety. He's a textbook co-dependent, so we both got into bad habits again (me with drinking and him with allowing it to keep the peace, a.k.a, "the dance"), but by the grace of God we've begun to nip things in the bud before we went too far down that path again....

So yes, there is always hope. There will be ups and downs, and times that she seems to question things, but that is her right. Right now, focus on YOUR plan for recovery. Don't do it only to get her back. She also may decide to leave, and you do need to prepare for that possibility as well. That is also her right. I wish the best for your marriage. I'm a firm believer (and living proof, I believe) that if God brings two people together, then there is no situation that He cannot heal.

FireSprite

Coming from the F&F side of things Thinman & to me this sounds very positive. Your wife taking time to assess the situation, take her own inventory & figure out how to proceed is very healthy. So many times on the F&F side we see the impacted spouse waiting in some sort of a holding pattern while they hawk over their loved one's recovery instead of getting the time & space that will actually provide more peace of mind than all that overlording. If she hasn't already joined an Al-Anon group she might benefit from that support a lot as well.

In truth, I thought about leaving a lot more after RAH entered recovery than I did before. "Just not drinking" was all he could manage in the first 90 or so days & that's a lot like treading water - not a lot of forward growth while the body & brain detox & reset.... but that didn't change a whole lot on *my* side of things even though I understood what he was going through physiologically.

It stopped being JUST about the drinking when he entered recovery & became much more focused on all of the underlying behaviors & issues. I needed transparency 100% of the time no matter how big or small the topic was.... rebuilding trust is unbelievably hard when the person who is supposed to love & respect you more than anyone else in the world is the one lying, manipulating or cheating.

I needed him to realize that just stopping drinking for a few weeks or months wasn't enough to reverse YEARS of damage, neglect & inadvertent abuse.... even friendly fire hurts, you know? I needed him to address his underlying issues - undiagnosed ADHD, emotional immaturity, issues with authority, the psychological damage of being raised by a mentally ill mother who compulsively lies, etc etc etc.

Yes, there is hope.... I'm still here 5 years later but it has NOT been an easy road. I have thrived because my focus in on ME, not him.... so when he had a spectacular relapse at 2 yrs sober, I barely wobbled & even HE could see the difference in how we acted/reacted/responded to the whole situation. I had been in recovery, he'd been white-knuckling through but not really WORKING a recovery... he'd gotten to where he only attended meetings when he felt a crisis moment, never reached out to his sponsor to talk outside of meetings, never read or followed up on any recovery-related anything outside of those few meetings. In the beginning he treated recovery like a checklist of things that you just have to get past to be "done"...... now we talk about how our respective recoveries have NO such ending, lol.

Keeping focused on your recovery is the very best thing you can do, hands down. If you want her to believe your words SHOW her through your actions instead... that's what REALLY matters to us. That's what starts to rebuild trust.... consistent, improved behaviors/actions.

Feel free to read my old posts if you think it may help. I'd advise reading in the F&F forums ONLY if you are ready for it - it's a Tough Love crowd & a lot of the truths we discuss in that forum can be hard to hear for someone on the other side in early recovery. If that appeals to you, you might get a lot out of reading some older threads on the topic too (I'm linking one of our sticky threads below) - but again, make SURE you're ready to read without judgment or taking it personally.... fair warning!

Best of luck to you, congrats on 31 days!!!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ide-fence.html

Soberwolf

All I can say from experience is respect her wishes and give time some time keep focused on your recovery bud

theTHINman

Thank both of you for your input and encouragement. As far as her not "hawking over me," I'd say that it's been quite the opposite: she seems to be totally numb at this point - feeling "totally burned" as she put it - and figures that if I can get myself together then that will be a good thing for us but if not, then that's that. It still strikes me as odd that she has never seemed all that concerned at all about my substance abuse problems. Guess it's a tough-love thing. Either that or she really might not give a damn at this point. Either way I've got to do this for myself if nobody else.

theTHINman

And you, too, Soberwolf. Didn't see your post until I had replied. You've been awesome so far.

Dee74

I think you just have to wait it out. Keep sober - but do it for you, not for your relationship...

the signs are encouraging - you being the best you you can be can only be a win win

D

Anna

Yeah, I think that is one of the hardest parts of the early days. I was impatient and wanted things fixed. There was no way that was going to happen quite so quickly. I really had to just get through each day, focus on my recovery and hope for the best. Allow your wife to see the positive changes in you. That's all you can do.

notgonnastoptry

I have not been on the other side, but my situation is nearly identical. After going through this last year at this time, he wanted to leave but stuck it out (he didn't even vocalize that at that time). This year, while I was in the hospital (the main reason I didn't want to go) he actually packed up his major things and took them to another house (our situation is weird, so we have 2 small apartments in different states--work reasons). I only found this out after things settled down.

I was kind of shocked. He came back to town to get me out of the hospital, visited every few days but was could and reserved. On the way back to yet another house (this is very complicated, but bear with me), I asked him to go strawberry picking. I was trying to play pretend. He finally looked at me and after a long pause, told me that I was free to go at any time, but he was not going with me. Said it took a lot of resolve but he had decided it was over (he doesn't blow hot air like I do). I was very sad and told him I'd like one more change (hence, the rehab, etc.). We were not intimate. I slept on the couch the first night back (my choice) and he invited me to the room, but we went about 5 days without touching even though things were fine during the day. We were finally intimate. It was weird. It felt like the first time but without the passion. I was shaking. Things are getting better and I intend to keep them this way. I have way too much to lose.

So yes, I'm right there with you. My husband, like your wife, feels destroyed, unwhole, confused, etc. I hope time will help all of us.

theTHINman

Great advice/encouragement, guys! But things seem to have taken a weird turn. I found out this afternoon that she has been texting pretty much everyday with a friend of ours (for some time now, I might add) but when I asked her about it she said nothing is going on, that they're just friends, and that she's only been confiding in him about our situation. Since he's also my friend I asked him too and he admitted that it looks bad but echoed the same thing pretty much. Maybe she's looking for attention or affection from elsewhere right now, I don't know. But talking to someone that much seems fishy to me. All I can do at this point is hold on, hope she's being truthful with me, and try to mend our marriage.

Dee74

I know it's really had to 'let things go' and trust on faith that everything will be ok, but you really have to try....

Winding yourself up about who your wife is talking to, & what about, is almost certainly going to be counter productive to recovery.

notgonnastoptry

My best friend is male. I am not attracted at all (even though he's very attractive). I tell him everything and have been telling him everything. I also have some female friends. I find his perspective is better. A lot of my female friends are content to tell me what an a$$ my husband is and then they'll say the same about me to him. My male friend is more mature, has a sane perspective and though he doesn't approve of my husband's non-support, he is also fairly critical of me. That's why I enjoy talking to him.

Are the messages just straightforward business? Mine are--there's not even a hint of flirting. We talk about everything. And, no, I have no feelings for him. He's one of the only males I'd let come over to my house. I am not paranoid, but my husband and I have an unwritten rule--no people of the opposite sex home alone with us. I make an exception for this guy (and husband knows it--he's not the jealous type) and I never have to fear anything.

theTHINman

Yeah, I think that's probably what's going on here...or something very similar anyway. It gets on my nerves but a lot of that is probably just the lingering paranoia and crazy anxiety leftover from my initial withdrawal. If it turns out to be an issue down the road I can cross that bridge when I come to it. But the last thing I need right now is to get my brain in a twist about it. On a really positive note, she came home after I had already put our daughter to bed, hugged me, and said, "If you continue to be the father of our child like this then you can be the father of our children." I said, "Well get used to it," and she smiled and said, "No, YOU get used to it." Ha! Made my night.

teatreeoil007

Gosh, I'm not sure what to share here that might be helpful. My hub is
ADHD and OCD. BUT, he is a good guy and a great father to our children....he is so good with kids and thoughtful of the elderly and anyone that needs help? He's there. But, his OCD and ADHD can drive me crazy sometimes and I feel as though I need a timeout from him.
He also tends to be controlling, but is still in denial about that aspect. However, he finally is getting counseling for his anxiety as he is so often up tight and "on edge". But, he is a great go getter. He bikes with Hprofessional cyclists and keeps up with them. He hikes on glaciers. I guess you say he channels his energy well a lot of the time. But to just sit down and sit still? That's hard for him; I have a hard time imagining him sitting quietly for a spell and meditating.

I have no idea what I'm trying to get across, but I DO know that when one partner agrees to do something needful, they should keep their word. My husband told he was going to get help for his anxiety a LONG time ago; YEARS.....and it is just this year that he finally did it. It is helping, I think. He also tends to be controlling of me and fussin' , frettin' and worrying sort of excessively ...he follows me around the house sometimes. If I go to our bedroom for a little peace and quiet he checks on me...HIs OCD, ADHD, and anxiety are wearisome to deal with, but I am glad he is finally getting some professional help. He's dead set against meds.

I don't know, I guess we all have issues. Some people are well medicated and others can go without. One thing that bothers me is the mentality that meds are bad. There are so meds out now that really helping people. Most Dr's really do care about their patients and they are not just in it for the money....and they have standards, ya know? They do not prescribe meds light-heartedly.
r
No one is a "Rocky" because they can tough it out without having to take meds.

Ok, I'm rambling, but thanks for reading if you have read this.

I hope it helps.

ALinNS

Although hard lead by showing change and staying sober, it's hard and in my case desperate hard as I wanted everything the way it used to be when I sobered up and said I was done with drinking for good however many of us know it doesn't work that way. Often trust is broken and our spouse, children and friends are hurt, angry by us and the things we did while drinking. It takes time to heal these wounds however it's worth fighting for, I use the word fight as sobriety at times feels like a battle.

It the case of my better half, I had to listen, had a serious conversation and asked her to tell me how hurt her, made a mental note during the conversation but wrote everything down as this was part of my plan/road map to recovery and making things right.

Today our relationship is better than ever and something I didn't do in the past is to share my feelings and emotions as two are stronger than one, if I was having an off day the old me would bottle it up which often led to relapse, today I share openly and she does as well, this has rebuilt a very strong trust.

Patience bud and I am a believer that things will work out in the end.

Andrew