She just will not stop asking
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
She just will not stop asking
Maybe some of you remember I posted last week about my “drinking buddy” at work who does not seem to be respecting my desire to quit.
She asked me to go out drinking last week and I said, “Girlfriend I told you I quit drinking” and she acted all understanding and apologetic, but I had a feeling that was temporary.
Then again today, she invited me and my husband out to a Mexican restaurant we used to go to with her all the time to drink cheap margaritas. She did add “I know you’re not drinking anymore but your husband still does, right?”
As if I could just go to the restaurant with them and be totally comfortable with them getting sloshed in front of me in this early stage of my sobriety.
I did respond to her and I said that I was not ready to go to a tequila bar (they call it a restaurant but people really go there to drink on the cheap). I told her I was really proud of the progress I’ve been making so far and told her, yet again, how much of a huge problem alcohol had created in my life.
Of course yet again she claimed to understand, and said “I’d NEVER want to be a bad influence to my friends”…yeah, I can see that.
I think it is downright evil when people do this. The first couple times I gave her the benefit of the doubt but the fact that she continues to ask, and now is trying to sneak it in under the table, as in pretending I could go and watch them drink margaritas and not want one myself. As if she is trying to put me in a compromising spot to get me started drinking again.
Of course it is all under the guise of “I really miss spending time with you” but it looks like she is just going to have to get used to that because I am very close to having to go no contact with her.
She asked me to go out drinking last week and I said, “Girlfriend I told you I quit drinking” and she acted all understanding and apologetic, but I had a feeling that was temporary.
Then again today, she invited me and my husband out to a Mexican restaurant we used to go to with her all the time to drink cheap margaritas. She did add “I know you’re not drinking anymore but your husband still does, right?”
As if I could just go to the restaurant with them and be totally comfortable with them getting sloshed in front of me in this early stage of my sobriety.
I did respond to her and I said that I was not ready to go to a tequila bar (they call it a restaurant but people really go there to drink on the cheap). I told her I was really proud of the progress I’ve been making so far and told her, yet again, how much of a huge problem alcohol had created in my life.
Of course yet again she claimed to understand, and said “I’d NEVER want to be a bad influence to my friends”…yeah, I can see that.
I think it is downright evil when people do this. The first couple times I gave her the benefit of the doubt but the fact that she continues to ask, and now is trying to sneak it in under the table, as in pretending I could go and watch them drink margaritas and not want one myself. As if she is trying to put me in a compromising spot to get me started drinking again.
Of course it is all under the guise of “I really miss spending time with you” but it looks like she is just going to have to get used to that because I am very close to having to go no contact with her.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
good job saying no I had to drop a lot of so called 'friends' try to not let it bother you x
when people repeatedly ask do you want a drink I seem to think they want a drinking buddy and they don't want to drink alone but that's for a different thread on a different day lol
You done well x
I think that phrase no thanks always works if in doubt of dubious company leave immediately
when people repeatedly ask do you want a drink I seem to think they want a drinking buddy and they don't want to drink alone but that's for a different thread on a different day lol
You done well x
I think that phrase no thanks always works if in doubt of dubious company leave immediately
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 13
Get away from her for a while. I have been a while sober now, I think something like a month, I don't even care anymore since I don't have problems controlling it. Anyway people are tempting me sometimes, just to see how I will react. Same goes for your friend. Don't let that be the reason for a relapse. 
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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I read somewhere that alcoholics are like crabs in a basket. As one climbs out the others try to claw it back in.
I had a friend like this, and just avoided her for a while. Then when I made contact I suggested places and activities to do that were nothing to do with drinking. She's often happy to do these things, but I can't expect her to think of them and be the one to suggest them. It's just not how her thinking is, as she still loves the drinking lifestyle that I have turned my back on.
Some people, it transpires, weren't friends as such, merely drinking buddies. This saddened me for a while, but once I'd got some sober friends I got over it. C
I had a friend like this, and just avoided her for a while. Then when I made contact I suggested places and activities to do that were nothing to do with drinking. She's often happy to do these things, but I can't expect her to think of them and be the one to suggest them. It's just not how her thinking is, as she still loves the drinking lifestyle that I have turned my back on.
Some people, it transpires, weren't friends as such, merely drinking buddies. This saddened me for a while, but once I'd got some sober friends I got over it. C
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I guess how you handle this is a choice. I mean, if you think this person is truly trying to sabotage your effects? Then heck ya, see ya friend. And really, what's the big deal? You are sober, you know you want to be, her issues are hers.
Could also be that she's alone and missing her drinking buddy. If she's a true friend, maybe suggest coffee with her? Maybe then you can really explain to her that you are not, ever, going to drink with her again. If she can't respect that, tell her you cannot remain friends.
I am frequently faced with situations that have the potential to irritate me, anger me, frustrate etc etc. The key to keeping my calm is in how I choose to react.
Could also be that she's alone and missing her drinking buddy. If she's a true friend, maybe suggest coffee with her? Maybe then you can really explain to her that you are not, ever, going to drink with her again. If she can't respect that, tell her you cannot remain friends.
I am frequently faced with situations that have the potential to irritate me, anger me, frustrate etc etc. The key to keeping my calm is in how I choose to react.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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what if you were to ask HER out to a non-drinking event or venue?
or
what if you simply say "look, I appreciate your friendship and I'm sorry if it seems I've had to distance myself - but the bottom line for me is that right now I am not willing to put myself in situations where I may be tempted to dishonor my own choice of sobriety. I'm not going to be going out for drinks, parties, or anything where the central thrust is drinking for the forseeable future. If you want to do something that doesn't involve drinking - I'd love to spend time with you".
or
what if you simply say "look, I appreciate your friendship and I'm sorry if it seems I've had to distance myself - but the bottom line for me is that right now I am not willing to put myself in situations where I may be tempted to dishonor my own choice of sobriety. I'm not going to be going out for drinks, parties, or anything where the central thrust is drinking for the forseeable future. If you want to do something that doesn't involve drinking - I'd love to spend time with you".
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
I guess how you handle this is a choice. I mean, if you think this person is truly trying to sabotage your effects? Then heck ya, see ya friend. And really, what's the big deal? You are sober, you know you want to be, her issues are hers.
Could also be that she's alone and missing her drinking buddy. If she's a true friend, maybe suggest coffee with her? Maybe then you can really explain to her that you are not, ever, going to drink with her again. If she can't respect that, tell her you cannot remain friends.
I am frequently faced with situations that have the potential to irritate me, anger me, frustrate etc etc. The key to keeping my calm is in how I choose to react.
Could also be that she's alone and missing her drinking buddy. If she's a true friend, maybe suggest coffee with her? Maybe then you can really explain to her that you are not, ever, going to drink with her again. If she can't respect that, tell her you cannot remain friends.
I am frequently faced with situations that have the potential to irritate me, anger me, frustrate etc etc. The key to keeping my calm is in how I choose to react.
There's no way that she can't know how serious it is because she's known me for years now and I have told her about the destructive behavior and the fighting and the physical problems I have had including darn near dying. Why on earth would she continue to ask knowing this information?
I know it is counterproductive to harp on it, I am just trying to get it out there so I won't sit here and stew on it all day. I'm new to all of this and things are bugging me a lot more than they probably will six months from now when I am more secure, at least I hope so.
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl
what if you were to ask HER out to a non-drinking event or venue?
or
what if you simply say "look, I appreciate your friendship and I'm sorry if it seems I've had to distance myself - but the bottom line for me is that right now I am not willing to put myself in situations where I may be tempted to dishonor my own choice of sobriety. I'm not going to be going out for drinks, parties, or anything where the central thrust is drinking for the forseeable future. If you want to do something that doesn't involve drinking - I'd love to spend time with you".
or
what if you simply say "look, I appreciate your friendship and I'm sorry if it seems I've had to distance myself - but the bottom line for me is that right now I am not willing to put myself in situations where I may be tempted to dishonor my own choice of sobriety. I'm not going to be going out for drinks, parties, or anything where the central thrust is drinking for the forseeable future. If you want to do something that doesn't involve drinking - I'd love to spend time with you".
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Join Date: May 2014
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In all fairness I am not just angry with her but angry at the fact that I can't go to the tequila bar and have drinks with friends anymore. Because it would start off as so much fun but what started happening was, I would go with them and i would drink five or six margaritas. And then my husband would stop on the way home and get me six tall ones to cap off the night, every time we would go. Because we'd only get home about 9 o'clock at night ya know, and that is still prime drinking time. Well really bad things started to happen, this is one of the main reasons I quit. Because after having five or six margaritas and six tall ones I would be completely out of my mind. My husband and I started to fight when we would get home because let's face it, tequila and beer is a nasty mix in large doses.
One night he poured out my six tall ones so when he went to bed I went right back out and bought some more beer. Yes I drove to the convenience store in that state. I think I was in my pajamas. Woke up to see where I had texted my husband and called him horrible names and texted weird things to my boss too. This is really one of hundreds of incidents but I just got terrified and had enough. I have no doubt if I went out for another margarita night, the exact same damn thing would happen if not worse.
I am not an abusive person by nature and I was completely appalled and the things I had said.
This was about the same time my mother in law had died and I was in such a state of misery over my behavior and the way my life was going that I really did not think I could make it another day.
That is why I feel very threatened and angry at the idea of getting back into that habit again and the reality that this invitation back to misery is being extended by a "friend"...it's just stirs up all kinds of emotions, none of them good.
One night he poured out my six tall ones so when he went to bed I went right back out and bought some more beer. Yes I drove to the convenience store in that state. I think I was in my pajamas. Woke up to see where I had texted my husband and called him horrible names and texted weird things to my boss too. This is really one of hundreds of incidents but I just got terrified and had enough. I have no doubt if I went out for another margarita night, the exact same damn thing would happen if not worse.
I am not an abusive person by nature and I was completely appalled and the things I had said.
This was about the same time my mother in law had died and I was in such a state of misery over my behavior and the way my life was going that I really did not think I could make it another day.
That is why I feel very threatened and angry at the idea of getting back into that habit again and the reality that this invitation back to misery is being extended by a "friend"...it's just stirs up all kinds of emotions, none of them good.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Originally Posted by Daisyforever
Yes I know, I have told her more than once, though not as articulately as you have stated it here.
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Jeez, what's wrong with her??? She seems to be either trying to sabotage you, is completely unaware how selfish her requests are, or both. Either way, I'd make it pretty clear that you're not hanging out with her, period.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I used to get angry that I couldn't just go out and have a drink. But it never ended very well when I did. I still get wistful at times but it's usually fleeting.
It does get easier but I still avoid get togethers which are about the alcohol. I'm skipping a retirement party as I type this. "Oh, I am sorry but I can't. I have to pick up my kids at the sitter."
Sounds like this friend is pretty insecure about your choice and is deliberately obtuse. Time to take a break while you find your footing.
It does get easier but I still avoid get togethers which are about the alcohol. I'm skipping a retirement party as I type this. "Oh, I am sorry but I can't. I have to pick up my kids at the sitter."
Sounds like this friend is pretty insecure about your choice and is deliberately obtuse. Time to take a break while you find your footing.
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Originally Posted by uncorked
Jeez, what's wrong with her??? She seems to be either trying to sabotage you, is completely unaware how selfish her requests are, or both. Either way, I'd make it pretty clear that you're not hanging out with her, period.
It's probably more her AV hassling me. She likes to have her drinking opportunities planned out in advance. She has drinking pals in every realm of her life. She drinks very heavily however most the time she knows when to stop. She seems to be able to control it better than me and she does not seem to think she has a problem, which is GREAT, more power to her, she does seem her happiest drinking and I hope it brings her lots of joy. Hmmph!
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