Blogs


Notices

She just will not stop asking

Old 06-28-2016, 09:49 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
She just will not stop asking

Maybe some of you remember I posted last week about my “drinking buddy” at work who does not seem to be respecting my desire to quit.

She asked me to go out drinking last week and I said, “Girlfriend I told you I quit drinking” and she acted all understanding and apologetic, but I had a feeling that was temporary.

Then again today, she invited me and my husband out to a Mexican restaurant we used to go to with her all the time to drink cheap margaritas. She did add “I know you’re not drinking anymore but your husband still does, right?”

As if I could just go to the restaurant with them and be totally comfortable with them getting sloshed in front of me in this early stage of my sobriety.

I did respond to her and I said that I was not ready to go to a tequila bar (they call it a restaurant but people really go there to drink on the cheap). I told her I was really proud of the progress I’ve been making so far and told her, yet again, how much of a huge problem alcohol had created in my life.

Of course yet again she claimed to understand, and said “I’d NEVER want to be a bad influence to my friends”…yeah, I can see that.

I think it is downright evil when people do this. The first couple times I gave her the benefit of the doubt but the fact that she continues to ask, and now is trying to sneak it in under the table, as in pretending I could go and watch them drink margaritas and not want one myself. As if she is trying to put me in a compromising spot to get me started drinking again.

Of course it is all under the guise of “I really miss spending time with you” but it looks like she is just going to have to get used to that because I am very close to having to go no contact with her.
HopeandFaith1 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to HopeandFaith1 For This Useful Post:
courage2 (06-28-2016), JoeCree (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 09:57 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 57,602
I think it's time to have no contact with her now. This doesn't sound like a friend to me. Good for you for continuing to refuse.
Anna is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Anna For This Useful Post:
Hope2014 (06-28-2016), HopeandFaith1 (06-28-2016), Jane8 (06-28-2016), JoeCree (06-28-2016), Soberwolf (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 10:03 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
I think it may be time to consider getting some new friends. A real friend would support and encourage you to maintain sobriety.
hopepraylove is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to hopepraylove For This Useful Post:
HopeandFaith1 (06-28-2016), Jane8 (06-28-2016), JoeCree (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 10:09 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Feed your head
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,035
Blog Entries: 4
good job saying no I had to drop a lot of so called 'friends' try to not let it bother you x

when people repeatedly ask do you want a drink I seem to think they want a drinking buddy and they don't want to drink alone but that's for a different thread on a different day lol

You done well x

I think that phrase no thanks always works if in doubt of dubious company leave immediately
Soberwolf is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Soberwolf For This Useful Post:
HopeandFaith1 (06-28-2016), Jane8 (06-28-2016), JoeCree (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 10:09 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 13
Get away from her for a while. I have been a while sober now, I think something like a month, I don't even care anymore since I don't have problems controlling it. Anyway people are tempting me sometimes, just to see how I will react. Same goes for your friend. Don't let that be the reason for a relapse.
nekojsi321 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to nekojsi321 For This Useful Post:
HopeandFaith1 (06-28-2016), Jane8 (06-28-2016), JoeCree (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 10:25 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Berrybean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,900
Blog Entries: 2
I read somewhere that alcoholics are like crabs in a basket. As one climbs out the others try to claw it back in.

I had a friend like this, and just avoided her for a while. Then when I made contact I suggested places and activities to do that were nothing to do with drinking. She's often happy to do these things, but I can't expect her to think of them and be the one to suggest them. It's just not how her thinking is, as she still loves the drinking lifestyle that I have turned my back on.

Some people, it transpires, weren't friends as such, merely drinking buddies. This saddened me for a while, but once I'd got some sober friends I got over it. C
Berrybean is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Berrybean For This Useful Post:
Caramel (06-28-2016), HopeandFaith1 (06-28-2016), Jane8 (06-28-2016), JoeCree (06-28-2016), Ruby2 (06-28-2016), SnazzyDresser (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 10:35 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I guess how you handle this is a choice. I mean, if you think this person is truly trying to sabotage your effects? Then heck ya, see ya friend. And really, what's the big deal? You are sober, you know you want to be, her issues are hers.

Could also be that she's alone and missing her drinking buddy. If she's a true friend, maybe suggest coffee with her? Maybe then you can really explain to her that you are not, ever, going to drink with her again. If she can't respect that, tell her you cannot remain friends.

I am frequently faced with situations that have the potential to irritate me, anger me, frustrate etc etc. The key to keeping my calm is in how I choose to react.
entropy1964 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to entropy1964 For This Useful Post:
HopeandFaith1 (06-28-2016), Jane8 (06-28-2016), JoeCree (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 10:59 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,167
what if you were to ask HER out to a non-drinking event or venue?

or

what if you simply say "look, I appreciate your friendship and I'm sorry if it seems I've had to distance myself - but the bottom line for me is that right now I am not willing to put myself in situations where I may be tempted to dishonor my own choice of sobriety. I'm not going to be going out for drinks, parties, or anything where the central thrust is drinking for the forseeable future. If you want to do something that doesn't involve drinking - I'd love to spend time with you".
FreeOwl is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to FreeOwl For This Useful Post:
Berrybean (06-28-2016), HopeandFaith1 (06-28-2016), Jane8 (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 11:19 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 View Post
I guess how you handle this is a choice. I mean, if you think this person is truly trying to sabotage your effects? Then heck ya, see ya friend. And really, what's the big deal? You are sober, you know you want to be, her issues are hers.

Could also be that she's alone and missing her drinking buddy. If she's a true friend, maybe suggest coffee with her? Maybe then you can really explain to her that you are not, ever, going to drink with her again. If she can't respect that, tell her you cannot remain friends.

I am frequently faced with situations that have the potential to irritate me, anger me, frustrate etc etc. The key to keeping my calm is in how I choose to react.
I hear you. I did try to give her the benefit of the doubt for a while but this has been going on for months. And at the beginning when I decided to quit I still did drink a couple nights at longer intervals but have now come to the firm conclusion that it is really time to stop and I have more consecutive days than I have ever had in 20 years. It would seem if she were truly a friend, as others have said she would say, "WOW I am so proud of you"...I mean if your good friend told you she was allergic to ice cream and it makes terrible things happen to her, would you invite her to an ice cream social? Of course not.

There's no way that she can't know how serious it is because she's known me for years now and I have told her about the destructive behavior and the fighting and the physical problems I have had including darn near dying. Why on earth would she continue to ask knowing this information?

I know it is counterproductive to harp on it, I am just trying to get it out there so I won't sit here and stew on it all day. I'm new to all of this and things are bugging me a lot more than they probably will six months from now when I am more secure, at least I hope so.
HopeandFaith1 is offline  
Old 06-28-2016, 11:26 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
what if you were to ask HER out to a non-drinking event or venue?

or

what if you simply say "look, I appreciate your friendship and I'm sorry if it seems I've had to distance myself - but the bottom line for me is that right now I am not willing to put myself in situations where I may be tempted to dishonor my own choice of sobriety. I'm not going to be going out for drinks, parties, or anything where the central thrust is drinking for the forseeable future. If you want to do something that doesn't involve drinking - I'd love to spend time with you".
Yes I know, I have told her more than once, though not as articulately as you have stated it here.
HopeandFaith1 is offline  
Old 06-28-2016, 11:33 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
In all fairness I am not just angry with her but angry at the fact that I can't go to the tequila bar and have drinks with friends anymore. Because it would start off as so much fun but what started happening was, I would go with them and i would drink five or six margaritas. And then my husband would stop on the way home and get me six tall ones to cap off the night, every time we would go. Because we'd only get home about 9 o'clock at night ya know, and that is still prime drinking time. Well really bad things started to happen, this is one of the main reasons I quit. Because after having five or six margaritas and six tall ones I would be completely out of my mind. My husband and I started to fight when we would get home because let's face it, tequila and beer is a nasty mix in large doses.

One night he poured out my six tall ones so when he went to bed I went right back out and bought some more beer. Yes I drove to the convenience store in that state. I think I was in my pajamas. Woke up to see where I had texted my husband and called him horrible names and texted weird things to my boss too. This is really one of hundreds of incidents but I just got terrified and had enough. I have no doubt if I went out for another margarita night, the exact same damn thing would happen if not worse.

I am not an abusive person by nature and I was completely appalled and the things I had said.

This was about the same time my mother in law had died and I was in such a state of misery over my behavior and the way my life was going that I really did not think I could make it another day.

That is why I feel very threatened and angry at the idea of getting back into that habit again and the reality that this invitation back to misery is being extended by a "friend"...it's just stirs up all kinds of emotions, none of them good.
HopeandFaith1 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to HopeandFaith1 For This Useful Post:
JoeCree (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 11:46 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Pondlady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 7,817
Many of us were irritable in early sobriety and wished we could drink socially, but I can't and it doesn't sound like you can either. Try some new activities, that don't involve alcohol.
Pondlady is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Pondlady For This Useful Post:
HopeandFaith1 (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 11:57 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,167
Originally Posted by Daisyforever View Post
Yes I know, I have told her more than once, though not as articulately as you have stated it here.
well.... you could always try; "HEY. YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT. I DON'T DRINK AND I WILL NOT BE GOING TO DRINKING-RELATED THINGS ANYMORE. THANKS, NO THANKS".

FreeOwl is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to FreeOwl For This Useful Post:
Ambuler (06-28-2016), HopeandFaith1 (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 12:01 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
well.... you could always try; "HEY. YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT. I DON'T DRINK AND I WILL NOT BE GOING TO DRINKING-RELATED THINGS ANYMORE. THANKS, NO THANKS".

HopeandFaith1 is offline  
Old 06-28-2016, 12:10 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
uncorked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Jeez, what's wrong with her??? She seems to be either trying to sabotage you, is completely unaware how selfish her requests are, or both. Either way, I'd make it pretty clear that you're not hanging out with her, period.
uncorked is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to uncorked For This Useful Post:
HopeandFaith1 (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 03:28 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Ruby2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I used to get angry that I couldn't just go out and have a drink. But it never ended very well when I did. I still get wistful at times but it's usually fleeting.

It does get easier but I still avoid get togethers which are about the alcohol. I'm skipping a retirement party as I type this. "Oh, I am sorry but I can't. I have to pick up my kids at the sitter."

Sounds like this friend is pretty insecure about your choice and is deliberately obtuse. Time to take a break while you find your footing.
Ruby2 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Ruby2 For This Useful Post:
HopeandFaith1 (06-28-2016)
Old 06-28-2016, 03:44 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by uncorked View Post
Jeez, what's wrong with her??? She seems to be either trying to sabotage you, is completely unaware how selfish her requests are, or both. Either way, I'd make it pretty clear that you're not hanging out with her, period.
Maybe part of her motivation is because in the past, it has worked. I would vow to quit and then she'd invite me out and I'd say, heck yeah let's go! And I'd be right back where I started.

It's probably more her AV hassling me. She likes to have her drinking opportunities planned out in advance. She has drinking pals in every realm of her life. She drinks very heavily however most the time she knows when to stop. She seems to be able to control it better than me and she does not seem to think she has a problem, which is GREAT, more power to her, she does seem her happiest drinking and I hope it brings her lots of joy. Hmmph!
HopeandFaith1 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:19 AM.