Oldtimer returns after relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 350
Oldtimer returns after relapse
Some of you may remember me - I haven't visited here for a while which might have been part of the problem. I got sober (with the help of this site) in Mid-2014. I have had two relapses since then. One very brief in Feb-March of 2015 and now again more recently in March of this year.
Honestly I saw this one coming which is a little sad. I almost feel like I planned it. It was preceded by a lifestyle of working ten hour days, finishing a book and now trying to sell it to publishers, run ins with disordered and toxic people and general massive change, pressure and upheaval. I had smoke coming out of my ears and put my hand to the thing that helped me blow off steam in the past, naively thinking by some miracle I wouldn't end up in the same old place again. But, well, here I am.
I guess nothing too drastic has happened but I notice I am feeling worse in general, more depression, more anxiety and greatly diminished productivity. I want to get off the crazy train again. I want control of my life back.
I got lazy about recovery and took things for granted. One thing I have recognised is that I am struggling to integrate the sides of myself I can express when I am drinking with the sides of myself that come forth when I am sober. What I mean is that in sobriety I can be productive and peaceful but I become very uninterested in socialising or connection. People scare and tire me and I just wanted to be alone and work all the time. This latest go around with the booze I have enjoyed the social times and reconnecting with people but that's about it. I really need to figure this problem out this time around. Sobriety will never work for me if it just means being a recluse and a workaholic with no sense of fun or release in my life.
Thanks for reading. I'll be hitting the newcomer daily support thread shortly to start counting again at day 1!!
Honestly I saw this one coming which is a little sad. I almost feel like I planned it. It was preceded by a lifestyle of working ten hour days, finishing a book and now trying to sell it to publishers, run ins with disordered and toxic people and general massive change, pressure and upheaval. I had smoke coming out of my ears and put my hand to the thing that helped me blow off steam in the past, naively thinking by some miracle I wouldn't end up in the same old place again. But, well, here I am.
I guess nothing too drastic has happened but I notice I am feeling worse in general, more depression, more anxiety and greatly diminished productivity. I want to get off the crazy train again. I want control of my life back.
I got lazy about recovery and took things for granted. One thing I have recognised is that I am struggling to integrate the sides of myself I can express when I am drinking with the sides of myself that come forth when I am sober. What I mean is that in sobriety I can be productive and peaceful but I become very uninterested in socialising or connection. People scare and tire me and I just wanted to be alone and work all the time. This latest go around with the booze I have enjoyed the social times and reconnecting with people but that's about it. I really need to figure this problem out this time around. Sobriety will never work for me if it just means being a recluse and a workaholic with no sense of fun or release in my life.
Thanks for reading. I'll be hitting the newcomer daily support thread shortly to start counting again at day 1!!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by sickofthiscrap 
Sobriety will never work for me if it just means being a recluse and a workaholic with no sense of fun or release in my life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Welcome back. Its easy to get a little bit of dry time and think 'I'm cured'. I think, at least for me, it takes years to really know myself.
I relate to feeling isolated and deprived. I know that is a mindset for me more than reality. I am never more isolated than when drinking...and it keeps me there. At least sober I have the freedom to try new things.
I relate to feeling isolated and deprived. I know that is a mindset for me more than reality. I am never more isolated than when drinking...and it keeps me there. At least sober I have the freedom to try new things.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome back!!!
I'm glad you made it back.... that means you are now armed with new awareness and learning, and ready to embrace sobriety!
You said;
"What I mean is that in sobriety I can be productive and peaceful but I become very uninterested in socialising or connection. People scare and tire me and I just wanted to be alone and work all the time. This latest go around with the booze I have enjoyed the social times and reconnecting with people but that's about it. I really need to figure this problem out this time around. Sobriety will never work for me if it just means being a recluse and a workaholic with no sense of fun or release in my life."
What stands out for me in what you shared is a need for BALANCE. Perhaps 'productivity' becomes your new addiction when you stop drinking. Is there some pattern set in your life that brings you to a manic, wound up place ripe for crisis in March? For me it seems to be spring and fall.... there always seem to be conditions afoot that set off patterns of over-commitment and stress. I have to watch for those and learn from my past and take actions to establish balance.
We cannot just replace alcoholism with work-aholism. We need to embrace a balanced, abundant, present LIFE. That is sobriety. We need to be social. We need to have connections to other humans in life. We need to take breaks. We need nourishing solitude. We ALSO need productivity and hard work - but not to the exclusion of these other important things.
BALANCE..... that seems to stand out to me as a core piece that might be beneficial for you to keep in mind.
Stick around, we're glad you're here.
I'm glad you made it back.... that means you are now armed with new awareness and learning, and ready to embrace sobriety!
You said;
"What I mean is that in sobriety I can be productive and peaceful but I become very uninterested in socialising or connection. People scare and tire me and I just wanted to be alone and work all the time. This latest go around with the booze I have enjoyed the social times and reconnecting with people but that's about it. I really need to figure this problem out this time around. Sobriety will never work for me if it just means being a recluse and a workaholic with no sense of fun or release in my life."
What stands out for me in what you shared is a need for BALANCE. Perhaps 'productivity' becomes your new addiction when you stop drinking. Is there some pattern set in your life that brings you to a manic, wound up place ripe for crisis in March? For me it seems to be spring and fall.... there always seem to be conditions afoot that set off patterns of over-commitment and stress. I have to watch for those and learn from my past and take actions to establish balance.
We cannot just replace alcoholism with work-aholism. We need to embrace a balanced, abundant, present LIFE. That is sobriety. We need to be social. We need to have connections to other humans in life. We need to take breaks. We need nourishing solitude. We ALSO need productivity and hard work - but not to the exclusion of these other important things.
BALANCE..... that seems to stand out to me as a core piece that might be beneficial for you to keep in mind.
Stick around, we're glad you're here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 350
Hi y'all,
Thanks for your thoughts, and food for thought! The workaholism wasn't entirely a matter of choice. I am a writer but I have been working an office job in publishing last ten years. Last year (leading up to march) the company were making many staff redundant and redistributing the work to remaining staff. Hence the ten hour days. I was also finishing my book with a view to implementing a career change this year to full time writing. Well, I did it - I saved money to live on while I transition, and finished my book, while working all those ridiculous hours - but it nearly killed me. I have now resigned my job… and I have fallen in a heap. I am so very tired. But getting off the booze again will at least give me the clarity and control back to start a new phase, which has been my plan all along. Guess I got derailed!
I totally take on board though the need for balance. I am not good at balance. I tend to go to extremes in everything. I think that's what made me an alcoholic in the first place. A little of something was never enough for me.
I also take on board the point about abstinence not being the same as recovery. yep - I have merely been abstinent. I haven't yet figured out how to create a life that is satisfactory to me without booze. Sadly the demons of economic necessity and my own social handicaps are still haunting me. I was ******** in the respect of connection long before I became an alcoholic. Not sure how I will deal with that one yet.
Thanks for your thoughts, and food for thought! The workaholism wasn't entirely a matter of choice. I am a writer but I have been working an office job in publishing last ten years. Last year (leading up to march) the company were making many staff redundant and redistributing the work to remaining staff. Hence the ten hour days. I was also finishing my book with a view to implementing a career change this year to full time writing. Well, I did it - I saved money to live on while I transition, and finished my book, while working all those ridiculous hours - but it nearly killed me. I have now resigned my job… and I have fallen in a heap. I am so very tired. But getting off the booze again will at least give me the clarity and control back to start a new phase, which has been my plan all along. Guess I got derailed!
I totally take on board though the need for balance. I am not good at balance. I tend to go to extremes in everything. I think that's what made me an alcoholic in the first place. A little of something was never enough for me.
I also take on board the point about abstinence not being the same as recovery. yep - I have merely been abstinent. I haven't yet figured out how to create a life that is satisfactory to me without booze. Sadly the demons of economic necessity and my own social handicaps are still haunting me. I was ******** in the respect of connection long before I became an alcoholic. Not sure how I will deal with that one yet.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 411
Good to have you back 
. And your post is a reminder to me not to get lazy about my own recovery, so thank you. I know what you mean about planning your relapse, my last relapse felt almost like that too.
. And your post is a reminder to me not to get lazy about my own recovery, so thank you. I know what you mean about planning your relapse, my last relapse felt almost like that too.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Originally Posted by sickofthiscrap
I also take on board the point about abstinence not being the same as recovery. yep - I have merely been abstinent. I haven't yet figured out how to create a life that is satisfactory to me without booze. Sadly the demons of economic necessity and my own social handicaps are still haunting me. I was ******** in the respect of connection long before I became an alcoholic. Not sure how I will deal with that one yet.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
If the alcoholism remains untreated it is not all that uncommon to switch addictions (workaholic). Some folks go to drugs, sex, gambling, food. The list seems a long one. It is all an effort to fill that hole in the soul.
"I haven't yet figured out how to create a life that is satisfactory to me without booze."
Well, I suppose you could "re-invent the wheel" but that would involve a fair bit of trial and error. I wasn't going to live long enough to go through that, and I had lost my marbles anyway, but I did find a simple solution that even someone as stupid as me could grasp. It has provided a more than satisfactory way of life for many years now, it did it remarkably quickly and at very little expense.
"I haven't yet figured out how to create a life that is satisfactory to me without booze."
Well, I suppose you could "re-invent the wheel" but that would involve a fair bit of trial and error. I wasn't going to live long enough to go through that, and I had lost my marbles anyway, but I did find a simple solution that even someone as stupid as me could grasp. It has provided a more than satisfactory way of life for many years now, it did it remarkably quickly and at very little expense.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Inverness Florida
Posts: 5
Sorry to hear about your relapse. Today i am quitting my opiate addiction cold turkey after a 2 year relapse. it sucks, starting back from day one.. But its day one of recovery and not drug use!!! Sorry trying to stay positive in some way.. And with the excrutiating pain im in.. Thats very hard for me..
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