Help! Alcoholic Partner
 

Hi all,

I signed up for this forum because I'm in need of some advice. My partner of several years is becoming increasingly dependent on alcohol. She has a natural tendency towards depression - for which she has agreed to seek treatment, but that treatment has not so far been very successful. Her depression and alcoholism create a vicious cycle: most of the day she spends in bed, getting up only when it is time to go to her (evening) job - often as late as 3. She does virtually nothing in the household or to help raise her children (my step-children). She drinks throughout the day - whatever she has available - and sometimes even takes drinks with her to work. She has promised many times to stop or slow down but never followed through on any of those promises. After a big fight, she agreed for the umpteenth time to make an appointment with a counselor - and this time actually followed through. But her drinking since has only intensified, and I have little faith this will prompt any lasting improvement - if she ends up even going to the appointment.

Complicating matters: she lost her license because of DUI's years ago, and so she is dependent on me buy her alcohol, or to provide her rides to the store for that purpose.

We are about to move across states, and I am becoming increasingly angry and frustrated with her constant drinking. I have no help organizing either our move or with anything else in the house. Drinking puts her in a volatile mood, and being around her is often like walking on very thin ice - the slightest misstep - a misinterpreted word, etc. - could provoke an outburst.

Sometimes, her behavior is so outrageous that I feel ready to leave this relationship. But despite everything I love her - and aside from that I couldn't bear to leave the children.

I have some concrete questions about the situation:

- Is it 'enabling' her addiction to give her rides to get more alcohol or to buy it for her? I often do because not doing it provides huge outbursts of anger and much worse drinking (when I don't buy alcohol, she will walk off to the bar and drink there until closing time).

- How can I prevent this situation from driving me crazier than it already has? Does anyone have tips for coping?

- Though I basically never buy alcohol for my own consumption, I do sometimes have a drink with my partner when she comes home from work in the evenings, when we have something that I enjoy. I never drink when she is not drinking, and I never have more than one or two drinks. Yet I feel that this may still be somehow encouraging or enabling. Would it be better to abstain from any drinks altogether?

Sorry for rambling on. I appreciate any advice!

:tyou

You may want to ask the good people on the Friends and Family section of this site - that said, as a human being, you should be able to have peace in your own home. I wouldn't buy the alcohol for her.

I'm sorry for your situation with your partner's drinking. I hope that she decides to seek help for her alcoholism.

You will find support for yourself here and you might also check out AlAnon in your area as a support for you. And, yes, it's enabling to buy alcohol for your partner or to drive her to buy more alcohol.

Exactly what Anna said.

Welcome

Definitely check out and post on the friends and family section. You are enabling her and in the long run are doing harm to her by not having her face the consequences of her actions. Also, if you leave why do you think you'd leave the children? It's her who should be worried about losing them.

Thanks guys! Will definitely check out friends& family section. Jd1639: we are not married and they are not my biological children, so leaving her would mean leaving them as well, sadly.

Welcome! Buying your alcoholic significant other alcohol or providing rides to get alcohol is the *definition* of enabling.

Offer to drive her to rehab or the doctor and to sit with her through cravings, or leave.

Tell her you both know she is an alcoholic and you will help her get better but are done helping her stay sick. Stick with it.

Google codependency. Get the book Codependent no more. Go to an al anon meeting. Don't worry about what happens to her if she can't get alcohol. That isn't your problem. Only she can choose to get better. She has to want it.

I know this is all very very hard. I'm not belittling it.

Makes sense. And that's unfortunate too as children of alcoholic parents can be emotionally traumatized. As others have said, look into alanon. You need to be taking care of yourself, not be responsible for her actions.

My husband had to file for divorce and get temporary custody of our son before I decided to stop drinking....although I think I was drinking to numb myself in a painful marriage. Your gf has to want to stop drinking. And yeah, I wouldn't be buying her booze. Let her walk to the bar. So what if she gets pissed -- just ignore it. You can't have an argument by yourself. Avail yourself to the friends and family section here...and think about whether this is really the way you want to live the rest of your life.