soberaccountant

Is it okay to feel sad and angry right now, or should I be feeling guilty about it as well? Because I fell really bad about how and why I am feeling this way. Part of me just wants to break down and give up already because I don't know how I am going to fix all of this.

I am sorry for venting and complaining but I am sick and fed up and tired of everything seemingly getting worse.

-Trying to recover from my stupidity of getting a DUI
-Trying to figure out and not worry how all this medical bill stuff is going to work out with my recent concussion
-Trying to find a job
-Trying to be patient to let my face heal so I can go to interviews
-Trying to now be upset at myself because I had to turn down 3 interviews this week because of my scabbing and sudden blistering of my face
-Trying to be calm
-Trying to believe that its going to get better
-Trying to be okay with the fact that the DMV misguided me and I have to deal with a license restriction for two months longer
-Trying to figure out HOW I am going to get to job interviews with very little resources to spend and not having to burden my parents
-Trying to figure out when unemployment is going to finally kick in and HOPE that it covers my expenses so I don't have to keep depleting my savings further

Everyone keeps telling me its going to get better but it seemingly keeps getting worse and I dont understand why anymore. I keep asking God for help to please take all this pain away and to help me get through this but I just feel its going unanswered.

I am not sure what to do or feel anymore. Just feel like I am a burden on everyone and that I am a failure and that my life is pretty well over at this point.

Soberwolf

Sometimes you have to give time..time

There were days like this for everyone don't let self pity creep in through the side door do you keep a journal it really helps

Your doing great today your not drunk out of control or being self destructive are you be grateful for that alone for the foundation of a more positive future rome wasn't built in a day and it's healthy to remind yourself that aswell as good days there will be bad this is life & even though you feel this way now it won't be forever for tomorrow is a new day

Stick with us bud

Anna

Hi SoberAccountant, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Your prayers are likely being answered, just not the way you want. I think everything happens for a reason, including your fall and scraping up your face. The Serenity Prayer might be useful - Accept things you cannot change, Courage to change things you can and Wisdom to know the difference. The right job will come along, but perhaps not this week. Keep putting out resumes and get interviews set up. Why not reschedule the interviews you were to have this week, explaining you had an accident? You might find some companies are happy to do that.

Ruby2

I know it seems like the world is caving in on you right now but it isn't, really. You've had to turn down 3 interviews in a week? I look at it like oh, my goodness! Three interviews? In one week? That's fantastic! You must be really good. A lot of people get no interviews in a week no matter how hard they try.

Prioritize your list on paper. Take the serenity prayer as your guide. What can you change? What can't you change? You'll have to accept what you have no control over but you can look to see if there's a positive spin to be placed on it. The things you can change? Well, reschedule your interview if you can. Or schedule them out in a week or so when you're feeling better?

Just don't drink. No matter how dark a situation is, there is always a resolution

trachemys

Yes, it's OK.

I had to practice meditation techniques to survive two nights ago. I mean physically survive. I was near death.

I'm still not even 50%. If you're walking and talking and asking "Am I I OK?" you're beating the disease.

Keep on.

Dee74

Some great advice here Frank

It can be rough dealing with the debris of our drinking life...it's like we land on a beach strewn with driftwood. I had decades worth of driftwood. The only way to move forward is pick up that stuff piece by piece....and I did. It took a while but a lot sooner than expected at the beginning

It might seem like an interminably long process now but I guarantee you'll look back soon and marvel at how much has changed in such a little time.

They say in AA don't leave before the miracle happens. Keep the faith Frank

D

Behappy1

I am right there with you. Hurdle after hurdle after hurdle. If EVER I had a reason to drink, it is now. But that will just make matters worse. I too want to just put this mess behind me and move on. Every where I turn is a brick wall it seems.

Sorry to be a Debbie downer. Just know you're not alone. I cannot believe it took THIS much devastation for me to stop drinking. I cannot believe it took THIS MUCH loss to get it through my thick head. I wish I would have stopped years ago. I tried and tried. Succeeded and failed only to try again.

LadyBlue0527

Hey guys, not here to compare scars like in Jaws (sorry, trying to attempt a little diversion humor here) but........

Although I'm continuing with counseling I have already satisfied the requirements by DEEP. My counselor tells me she's faxing paperwork to the state and that it says I'm now eligible for a special license and to call DEEP to discuss in a few days. I call today and they tell me "Yes, we've faxed the information to the DMV, you can call them and they can tell you how to go about getting it.

Can you see me getting excited here?

I call the DMV and the young woman I talked to was very rude and curt. She actually complained to me that DEEP keeps sending paperwork in for people that are not eligible of which includes me.

UGH.

Anyway, right now life somewhat sucks as it does for you Frank and you too Behappy.

For me I decided that I am going to focus on a year from now. This will all be over and done and I'll be through this. That's where my sights are set. For now, I'll deal with each piece as it comes. Otherwise I'm going to drive myself crazy.

Behappy, call your lawyers office on Monday and find out when you can set up a time to speak with him directly. He's your lawyer, you have a right to do that. You're in a tough position but he either needs to be able to answer questions for you or he has to have someone who's covering his cases while he's out?

Frank, I know your face probably has some road rash and doesn't look like what a normal person would going into an interview but consider this. When called for an interview how about telling the person that you don't want to pass up the great opportunity for the interview but you have had a mishap on the way home from the gym trying to avoid hitting something. Make light of it and say that you don't mind if they don't. This actually will make you more memorable and give you an edge when it comes to their final consideration. I know that I've been in hiring positions and interviewed so many people that when done, even with notes, it was sometimes hard to remember who was who exactly. You will be remembered and if the interview goes well your plight may actually end up being a positive and getting you the position. Realistically, does your dilemma have anything to do with your capability to do the job? Unless you're going for America's Next Top Model I think you'll do just fine

ZenLifter

You're not a burden on us Frank And feeling sad or angry is ok. You feel what you feel. I think adding guilt to it just worsens and prolongs it. I try not to judge what I am feeling, I just feel it and let it pass. I know all of what you're going through seems overwhelming, but you'll get through it, one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time if you have to. Just one thing is manageable, a hundred things at once aren't .

KissMyTiara

Hey Frank, lots of companies now do interviews via Skype.
You should suggest that to them until you get you license back.

tate9685

It's absolutely OK to feel sad and angry and any other emotions that may pop up. The worst thing you can do is to try not to feel what you need to feel. I've had a DUI to and it is a process and it is not pleasant. Court was not pleasant five weekends in jail was not pleasant higher insurance premium not pleasant court costs and fines telling my employer etc. you get the idea it is now almost 2 years later I have my license back I went to jail and now the only thing I have left to do is pay higher insurance premiums for one more year. I can live with all of that but I don't think I could live with hurting someone or killing someone because of my drinking and driving. You will have some good days filled with laughter and you won't have a thought about this situation that you are in. And you will have some other days where you need to feel what you're feeling right now. Just take it as it comes and do the next right thing. Try to focus on one thing at a time and you will get through this. Alcohol got you in this mess so obviously you know not to drink not when you're happywhen you're celebrating when you're sad when you're lonely hungry angry tired just don't drink and feel your feelings instead

cairn

Lol, mine ended like that. Took maybe a year and half to end itself and another six months to start wading out of the miry bog. Comfortable there!

At least you have a profession, I'm the laughing stock of mine

Guilt? Yep it's valid. I put on the radio cause some folks suggested 'thinking of others' but i couldnt find anyone i knew i could stand to think about. Anyway like i'd hear of the syrian refugee boy drowning and the tears would just pour, then I'd listen to all these correct folks doing all their busy little correct things, then that radio'd get shut right back off.

Anyway ya it's valid to deepky question just why the hell life is so dissatisfying and meaningless and futile - as i had been living it. I needed huge change. Total revolution, because i decided personal advancement in the assembly line just isn't for me anymore.

These guys told me to keep praying, but not what god could do for me - instead what i might do for 'him'. ( had quite a struggle with that believe me). But man, when i really started that, and nothing else, finally, it was like i DID die. Died to all the former vanity, insanity, and sham. Saw it clear as day, started walking away. Started really reading AA. On my way.

There's nothing funner than coming back in the world as an all time loser alcoholic, who has quit pretending and whose urge to drink has disappeared. I'm learning to be human instead of clamoring to be superhuman. It's really really cool. I discovered love and acceptance and even humor, waaaaay deep down inside me!

A yoga dude somewhere i asked in my travels if i 'should' feel or do...NO! He was adamant. Fight nothing, let it rise and fall on its own tide. We are what we are.

So, if you seen a guy like you sitting on a curb in mid life feeling crummy with his face all cut up, family wherever, job in the can and no ride, a convict now, throwing up his arms in despair, what would you do? Shoot him, and put him out of his misery? Think about that.

What did i really really want in this one short life? Why? I'm asking such questions now. Did i want success, security, prestige, and a bunch of toys? No. But i do wanna Be Somebody. I been chasing it wrong. Cart before the horse they told me. Pulled backwards into disillusion, every damn time. Fk it i *am* somebody, just gonna find out who and go be it. Heck with all them phony facades and effortful vain pretendings, trying to steal people's opinions of me. Didn't work. Walkin away, slow but steady. No regrets yet. My answers for my life come from way deep inside me, nobody else rules no more. I'm an alcoholic, comin out of a lifetime of self imposed solitary. Man I'm free. I go sit in the venezuela soup lines if i want. Border guards be damned. Cleaned up some morality chart of account obligations. Got a damn huge deficit in giving a crap about anybody besides myself. Want to now. More than anything.
So sick and tired of fear.

Just a different kind of prayer - instead of a hand out demanding service, one out to see what it might lend. Lol we alkies don't have much to offer, that's fer sure! But when they say it gets better, i like to pretend *that's* what they mean.

But we only try it when we're hurting bad enough, and most of the time not even then.

cairn

oh yeah and the heck with visa, they took a calculated gamble, valculated in their favor of course. Every time i zero'd out my bank account they increased my credit. Oh I'm paying now, slow, in my own interest, but I gonna return their favor one day! I say that's true and noble ambition! lol

ya so I'm picking blueberries alongside school kids for 50cents an hour. It's alright just to be alive. lol

Lorax1981

Hi Buddy- hope you heal up quickly, and get back to the interviews. I can understand not wanting to go with a banged up face, and I can relate to feeling down in the dumps. I believe that if you keep at it, something will come your way. Don't beat yourself up any more than you already are bud, okay.

Berrybean

Feelings come and go. We have a bunch of them. The trick is not to spend too long on any of them. I needed to learn to take action if I wasn't going to become those negative emotions and get trapped in them. And we can't afford to get trapped in them, as that doesn't make for healthy sobriety that is sustainable.

I have this written on the back of my daily reflections to remind myself of this very thing....

If i feel cold, I have a choice. I can become cold, or I can take action to remove myself from the cold or to protect myself from it.
If i feel hot, I have a choice. I can become hot or burnt, or I can take action to remove myself from the heat, or protect myself from it.
If i feel a gale blowing, I have a choice. I can become blown and ravaged by the winds, or I can take action to remove or protect myself from it.
If i feel angry, irritation, restlessness, discontentment, fear, or guilt. I have a choice. I can become these things, or take action. My plan needs to have in it the actions I will take.

talldude

Don't know if it's ok to feel sad and angry and don't really care. lol

When I got sober, an immense sadness crept into my life. I tried turning it to anger so that I would not appear weak, and some days I was able to fool myself into thinking I was not sad. I was though. And I was angry.

I have done many stupid things in my life, ruined quite a few chances at wonderful relationships with incredible people - all because I was more concerned about getting drunk or high than building a connection with those people.

We addicts are good at perfecting regret. It allows us to have the fuel necessary to keep those vicious circles going.

I think the fact that you're sad and angry is healthy. It means you are changing.

Bird615

Like was already said, you feel what you feel. Feelings aren't good or bad, if I just accept I feel that way and let it move on, it passes. I don't necessarily have to act on it.

My life started improving even more when I began to learn to watch my thoughts and see how my mind would run away, dragging me into negativity and despair. I also don't ask my Higher Power to take away my pain anymore either as I've come to understand that the pain is often there to guide me or to teach me something. It's like a barometer.

A lot of how I view things now is just a matter of perspective. Some of the worst things that happened to me turned out to be the best in the long run, and I'm understanding more and more that I might not always know what's best. I try to go with the flow and practice acceptance because my life is much more peaceful when I can remember to do it.

It took me years of suffering to finally catch on to this and I didn't do it by myself. Practice a 12-step program along with reading books by authors such as Eckhart Tolle and Wayne Dyer were just a start for me. My sister if currently reading a book called F**ck It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way and even that's got some great ideas in it. There is always more for me to learn.

oldsoul112249

Feelings are real and I believe they should be owned processed. But our thoughts can be unreal...stupid for instance doesn't solve anything or regret. Some of your fears and negative thoughts can be changed to positives to help with the pain? Thoughts come before feelings.

teatreeoil007

Well, you're not a 'burden' Frank. The enemy of your soul is likely trying to get you to think/believe that...BANISH that thought. It's simply NOT TRUE!

IMO it's totally okay to feel what you feel...it's just how you feel (right now)...but most feelings do pass when you start to do something different to change. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? (We've heard that one a lot). But, change IS possible. It's gonna take some effort, but have faith there will be changes and that good change is in store. There is no particular time frame on it, though. When you feel 'bad' try not to worry that you are going to feel like this forever. All moments in this life are temporary: they pass. They pass. So, stay in the present. It's good you're doing some serious soul searching and what not. But DO give yourself a break; be easy on yourself; and if there is someone who is insinuating you are a burden or a lost cause, tell them to take a hike.

soberaccountant

Thank you all for your replys, it always means a lot to me that you all come together to take time out of your day to provide advice and encouragement. I don't know what I would be doing without SR quite honestly.

Yeah I am honestly still a bit stressed out and worried about some things. I am happy to say some stuff has changed, however, since I last posted. Today I was contacted for a phone interview and will be going in-person tomorrow for an interview at a company that is the next city over. I feel pretty good about it, I didn't sound exactly the experience they were looking for but they seemed to like my personality and other things I have done--so I remain hopeful. The other interviews I had to turn down last week still want to talk to me and I am working out some phone interviews with the staff agency that is helping to arrange those. I remain hopeful for those as well.

Part of me feels bad though, because I am having to ask my dad and mom for help to and from these interviews. Part of me worries as well because what if everything goes all good and great at these interviews and how will I get through the background check? Of course I am going to be honest if the application asks me to disclose misdemeanors(which is what my DUI is), but I am just worried about the conversation--if any, about it. I know I am going to say I made a stupid mistake and I certainly don't drink and drive anymore, I just worry if they're going to probe and I won't know what to say.

I am going to keep applying and praying for the best, just worried about it and not sure how to get myself to stop.

Stressed as well that I am having to deal with this restricted license longer than I thought. I was fine with it being done with in August, but not having to wait until October is frustrating to say the least. I just wasn't prepared for it. I am mad at no one but myself for having to go through this. I guess I need to work on that too.