Oh no, I am mad, AGAIN!
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Oh no, I am mad, AGAIN!
I swear, I am not a particularly angry person. However, I have been a bit more touchy than usual lately.
Today I am inexplicably furious that I can't go to a bar. Well, maybe it's not totally inexplicable. What happened was, I got to work and my best drinking buddy asked me out for a drink after work. I told her two months ago I needed to quit because I was having serious problems. She still asks me about once a week. So not only do I get to deal with my AV, but hers too. It usually doesn't bother me, but today I was pretty stern, "I told you girlfriend, I quit drinking!" which of course led to her apologizing profusely. Until next time...
Then my husband emailed me about wanting to go to some bar to see a concert tomorrow night. I called him and I said, can't we just go to a movie or something? That would be a lot easier." and he pretends like he doesn't know what I mean by "easier" and I have to spell it out for him, which makes me madder. He finally gets it and then starts complaining that we never get to go out and do anything anymore and he's so bored on the weekends now, etc, etc.
Why are people like this? My husband and my friend have seen me drunk to the point of unconsciousness. It was my "friend" I was out with a few years ago when I crashed my car and woke up in the hospital with my face split open.
I have confided everything to my husband and my absolute need to quit and yet, he still wants to go to bars and I am supposed to feel bad that I won't go. I CAN'T GO! Because I know I won't go and sip on a diet coke I will want to drink! And I am damn mad that is off the table because it has been a long week and I am tired of being angry.
At least now after typing this I really just feel like crying from sheer frustration and not hitting somebody like I did before.
Just need to vent, I am sure many of you can relate.
Today I am inexplicably furious that I can't go to a bar. Well, maybe it's not totally inexplicable. What happened was, I got to work and my best drinking buddy asked me out for a drink after work. I told her two months ago I needed to quit because I was having serious problems. She still asks me about once a week. So not only do I get to deal with my AV, but hers too. It usually doesn't bother me, but today I was pretty stern, "I told you girlfriend, I quit drinking!" which of course led to her apologizing profusely. Until next time...
Then my husband emailed me about wanting to go to some bar to see a concert tomorrow night. I called him and I said, can't we just go to a movie or something? That would be a lot easier." and he pretends like he doesn't know what I mean by "easier" and I have to spell it out for him, which makes me madder. He finally gets it and then starts complaining that we never get to go out and do anything anymore and he's so bored on the weekends now, etc, etc.
Why are people like this? My husband and my friend have seen me drunk to the point of unconsciousness. It was my "friend" I was out with a few years ago when I crashed my car and woke up in the hospital with my face split open.
I have confided everything to my husband and my absolute need to quit and yet, he still wants to go to bars and I am supposed to feel bad that I won't go. I CAN'T GO! Because I know I won't go and sip on a diet coke I will want to drink! And I am damn mad that is off the table because it has been a long week and I am tired of being angry.
At least now after typing this I really just feel like crying from sheer frustration and not hitting somebody like I did before.
Just need to vent, I am sure many of you can relate.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Daisyforever 
I swear, I am not a particularly angry person. However, I have been a bit more touchy than usual lately.
Today I am inexplicably furious that I can't go to a bar. Well, maybe it's not totally inexplicable. What happened was, I got to work and my best drinking buddy asked me out for a drink after work. I told her two months ago I needed to quit because I was having serious problems. She still asks me about once a week. So not only do I get to deal with my AV, but hers too. It usually doesn't bother me, but today I was pretty stern, "I told you girlfriend, I quit drinking!" which of course led to her apologizing profusely. Until next time...
Then my husband emailed me about wanting to go to some bar to see a concert tomorrow night. I called him and I said, can't we just go to a movie or something? That would be a lot easier." and he pretends like he doesn't know what I mean by "easier" and I have to spell it out for him, which makes me madder. He finally gets it and then starts complaining that we never get to go out and do anything anymore and he's so bored on the weekends now, etc, etc.
Why are people like this? My husband and my friend have seen me drunk to the point of unconsciousness. It was my "friend" I was out with a few years ago when I crashed my car and woke up in the hospital with my face split open.
I have confided everything to my husband and my absolute need to quit and yet, he still wants to go to bars and I am supposed to feel bad that I won't go. I CAN'T GO! Because I know I won't go and sip on a diet coke I will want to drink! And I am damn mad that is off the table because it has been a long week and I am tired of being angry.
At least now after typing this I really just feel like crying from sheer frustration and not hitting somebody like I did before.
Just need to vent, I am sure many of you can relate.
Today I am inexplicably furious that I can't go to a bar. Well, maybe it's not totally inexplicable. What happened was, I got to work and my best drinking buddy asked me out for a drink after work. I told her two months ago I needed to quit because I was having serious problems. She still asks me about once a week. So not only do I get to deal with my AV, but hers too. It usually doesn't bother me, but today I was pretty stern, "I told you girlfriend, I quit drinking!" which of course led to her apologizing profusely. Until next time...
Then my husband emailed me about wanting to go to some bar to see a concert tomorrow night. I called him and I said, can't we just go to a movie or something? That would be a lot easier." and he pretends like he doesn't know what I mean by "easier" and I have to spell it out for him, which makes me madder. He finally gets it and then starts complaining that we never get to go out and do anything anymore and he's so bored on the weekends now, etc, etc.
Why are people like this? My husband and my friend have seen me drunk to the point of unconsciousness. It was my "friend" I was out with a few years ago when I crashed my car and woke up in the hospital with my face split open.
I have confided everything to my husband and my absolute need to quit and yet, he still wants to go to bars and I am supposed to feel bad that I won't go. I CAN'T GO! Because I know I won't go and sip on a diet coke I will want to drink! And I am damn mad that is off the table because it has been a long week and I am tired of being angry.
At least now after typing this I really just feel like crying from sheer frustration and not hitting somebody like I did before.
Just need to vent, I am sure many of you can relate.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 177
Have you tried any face to face support groups?? I only ask because I remember how hard it was when all of my friends were people who still drank and stuff - it really got to me.
I started going to AA and now the majority of people I talk to on a daily basis are in recovery and not only don't drink but don't go to bars or even talk about going to bars. Now it's so much easier.
I understand your frustration though!!
I started going to AA and now the majority of people I talk to on a daily basis are in recovery and not only don't drink but don't go to bars or even talk about going to bars. Now it's so much easier.
I understand your frustration though!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Daisy Daisy tell me your answer true.. we are half crazy all for the love of you. had too could great grand dad ivan in my head as I read your post.. yep the hard part going out someplace anyplace where there is a lot of people song music noise and fun.. you have to can't tie yourself to the chair. do lemonade instead of diet coke.. after 2 you can't drink anymore. and nothing else will taste good after that.. but you will have a great time and it helps to lose weight with.. promise. ardy
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I can relate. What a rough time. You will get through this. It does pass.
Does your drinking buddy work with you or is she calling you at work? Maybe think about ways to screen your calls or to be really busy with work, unable to talk to her. It doesn't sound like she's getting it so it sounds like you may need to cut her off for a while.
Husband. Well, he only thinks things have been boring because you're not going to bars. There are literally thousands of things to do on the weekend that don't involve alcohol. You may have to take the lead here. Miniature golfing, flying a kite, horseback riding, breakfast or lunch at a place you've never been, a meandering ride to a town you'd like to see, a hike, a bike ride, etc. etc. etc.
I got mad at everyone and everything in the beginning. That passes too. Keep venting. It helps. And congrats on the 7 pounds you've lost.
Does your drinking buddy work with you or is she calling you at work? Maybe think about ways to screen your calls or to be really busy with work, unable to talk to her. It doesn't sound like she's getting it so it sounds like you may need to cut her off for a while.
Husband. Well, he only thinks things have been boring because you're not going to bars. There are literally thousands of things to do on the weekend that don't involve alcohol. You may have to take the lead here. Miniature golfing, flying a kite, horseback riding, breakfast or lunch at a place you've never been, a meandering ride to a town you'd like to see, a hike, a bike ride, etc. etc. etc.
I got mad at everyone and everything in the beginning. That passes too. Keep venting. It helps. And congrats on the 7 pounds you've lost.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
It takes some time to adjust and emotions run high during early recovery.
What helped me in those situations early on to deal with my feelings was to make a list of things I could do to feel better. Normally something like this:
-eat a healthy snack and drink some water. (This can work wonders)
-go for a walk
-write or post on here
-brainstorm ways to solve the problem (I.e. Invite husband out to do something else or even suggest he find a friend to take to see the band instead, politely explain to your friend that you do not want any more drinking invitations- then let go of the outcome and remember that you can't control them but can do what's right for you.)
-Take a nap
-Take a bath
-distract yourself by reading a book
-Do yoga
Then I'd start doing the stuff on the list. Normally it wouldn't take long for me to start feeling better. Even just knowing that I was working to do positive things to make myself feel better made me feel better.
Hang in there. It's hard for the people around us to adapt and it might take some time but if you stick to your recovery, they will get used to it and eventually stop asking you to the bar.
I found that my real friends supported my desire to get sober and the rest I quit associating with. To be honest, I had to quit spending time with pretty much everybody. It was tough and I'm not good at making social connections so it took me a long time get new people in my life who were either in recovery or not big drinkers. It was worth it though.
It is good to find more sober friends or at least activities that don't involve drinking. Yoga class has been great for me.
What helped me in those situations early on to deal with my feelings was to make a list of things I could do to feel better. Normally something like this:
-eat a healthy snack and drink some water. (This can work wonders)
-go for a walk
-write or post on here
-brainstorm ways to solve the problem (I.e. Invite husband out to do something else or even suggest he find a friend to take to see the band instead, politely explain to your friend that you do not want any more drinking invitations- then let go of the outcome and remember that you can't control them but can do what's right for you.)
-Take a nap
-Take a bath
-distract yourself by reading a book
-Do yoga
Then I'd start doing the stuff on the list. Normally it wouldn't take long for me to start feeling better. Even just knowing that I was working to do positive things to make myself feel better made me feel better.
Hang in there. It's hard for the people around us to adapt and it might take some time but if you stick to your recovery, they will get used to it and eventually stop asking you to the bar.
I found that my real friends supported my desire to get sober and the rest I quit associating with. To be honest, I had to quit spending time with pretty much everybody. It was tough and I'm not good at making social connections so it took me a long time get new people in my life who were either in recovery or not big drinkers. It was worth it though.
It is good to find more sober friends or at least activities that don't involve drinking. Yoga class has been great for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Thank you! I think I have, no joke, read about 12 books in the last two months. But obviously there's lot of other things I should be doing.
Thanks for "weighing" in everybody. I am STILL fat, but no longer angry, and sober too
Thanks for "weighing" in everybody. I am STILL fat, but no longer angry, and sober too
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by thomas11
You have made the commitment to sobriety and adapted to the changes needed in your life, no THEY need to follow suit. No bar, no concerts, no drinking...at least for now. Good job.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Originally Posted by Ruby2
I can relate. What a rough time. You will get through this. It does pass.
Does your drinking buddy work with you or is she calling you at work? Maybe think about ways to screen your calls or to be really busy with work, unable to talk to her. It doesn't sound like she's getting it so it sounds like you may need to cut her off for a while.
Husband. Well, he only thinks things have been boring because you're not going to bars. There are literally thousands of things to do on the weekend that don't involve alcohol. You may have to take the lead here. Miniature golfing, flying a kite, horseback riding, breakfast or lunch at a place you've never been, a meandering ride to a town you'd like to see, a hike, a bike ride, etc. etc. etc.
I got mad at everyone and everything in the beginning. That passes too. Keep venting. It helps. And congrats on the 7 pounds you've lost.
Does your drinking buddy work with you or is she calling you at work? Maybe think about ways to screen your calls or to be really busy with work, unable to talk to her. It doesn't sound like she's getting it so it sounds like you may need to cut her off for a while.
Husband. Well, he only thinks things have been boring because you're not going to bars. There are literally thousands of things to do on the weekend that don't involve alcohol. You may have to take the lead here. Miniature golfing, flying a kite, horseback riding, breakfast or lunch at a place you've never been, a meandering ride to a town you'd like to see, a hike, a bike ride, etc. etc. etc.
I got mad at everyone and everything in the beginning. That passes too. Keep venting. It helps. And congrats on the 7 pounds you've lost.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 114
I used to be "that guy" - the guy that pressures his newly sober friends to drink. I didn't realize how annoying I was being until I quit drinking alcohol myself and experienced the same peer-pressure to drink!
In an effort to try to get me to drink, one of my buddy's tactics was to grab two beers from the fridge, crack them both open and try to hand me one while sipping on the other. After I decline the beer he'd act annoyed and pissy because now there's a wasted beer just sitting on the counter getting warm and losing its fizz. Luckily his girlfriend put an end to his behavior after noticing it. Pretty silly now that I think of it!
In an effort to try to get me to drink, one of my buddy's tactics was to grab two beers from the fridge, crack them both open and try to hand me one while sipping on the other. After I decline the beer he'd act annoyed and pissy because now there's a wasted beer just sitting on the counter getting warm and losing its fizz. Luckily his girlfriend put an end to his behavior after noticing it. Pretty silly now that I think of it!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Ugh, I'm sorry Daisy. Was your husband one of the people urging you to quit?
I sometimes think that those who try to push the partying may have a drinking problem themselves. Your being sober might threaten them, at least a little.
I'm with ya, no bars or nightlife for me right now. And yes, there's lots of stuff to do other than hanging out drinking all night -- depending on where you live, of course. If your husband is bored, how about signing up for something that'll get both your adrenaline going -- skydiving, water skiing, wrestling alligators...
I sometimes think that those who try to push the partying may have a drinking problem themselves. Your being sober might threaten them, at least a little.
I'm with ya, no bars or nightlife for me right now. And yes, there's lots of stuff to do other than hanging out drinking all night -- depending on where you live, of course. If your husband is bored, how about signing up for something that'll get both your adrenaline going -- skydiving, water skiing, wrestling alligators...
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Yes re: boundaries. I could use some. My husband has never urged me to quit though he has seen me in really bad shape, hundreds of times.
And yes, I think he expects me to just be "fixed" and happy and cheerful all the time when I really feel anything but. I have good days and bad days, pretty typical for early recovery I think.
I am trying to come to terms with over twenty years of regret, shame and self abuse here. I'm in the fight of my life. I do wish he could calm down a bit and give me some space, otherwise how can I grow? I have explained to him that it is crucial to me to have the last hour of my day to myself. I will normally wait up until 11 pm (he's been going to bed later and later) so that I can have an hour of reflection or whatever. I am out of the house working about 60 hours a week and my job is often stressful. I do all the cooking and the cleaning and tending to the dogs. That precious hour at the end of the day is helpful for me to maintain sobriety and keep my head straight. If he stays up drunkenly rambling on I feel more stressed out and extremely resentful.
I had to stay up until 2 am Saturday night/Sunday morning to finally get some peace and quiet. He had friends stop by who were not drunk but they were high as can be off of God-only-knows what. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I just sat there watching my husband and his friends talking over each other and acting like lunatics and I felt very tired and uncomfortable.
But of course, it wasn't very long ago at all that I was one of those lunatics.
I just don't think I am getting the space I need to sort things out. I'll have a heart to heart with him when he's sober and hopefully he will understand. I think I have been very generous to not protest his continued drinking so I don't think it is too much to ask to have some quiet time and the end of another long day.
And yes, I think he expects me to just be "fixed" and happy and cheerful all the time when I really feel anything but. I have good days and bad days, pretty typical for early recovery I think.
I am trying to come to terms with over twenty years of regret, shame and self abuse here. I'm in the fight of my life. I do wish he could calm down a bit and give me some space, otherwise how can I grow? I have explained to him that it is crucial to me to have the last hour of my day to myself. I will normally wait up until 11 pm (he's been going to bed later and later) so that I can have an hour of reflection or whatever. I am out of the house working about 60 hours a week and my job is often stressful. I do all the cooking and the cleaning and tending to the dogs. That precious hour at the end of the day is helpful for me to maintain sobriety and keep my head straight. If he stays up drunkenly rambling on I feel more stressed out and extremely resentful.
I had to stay up until 2 am Saturday night/Sunday morning to finally get some peace and quiet. He had friends stop by who were not drunk but they were high as can be off of God-only-knows what. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I just sat there watching my husband and his friends talking over each other and acting like lunatics and I felt very tired and uncomfortable.
But of course, it wasn't very long ago at all that I was one of those lunatics.
I just don't think I am getting the space I need to sort things out. I'll have a heart to heart with him when he's sober and hopefully he will understand. I think I have been very generous to not protest his continued drinking so I don't think it is too much to ask to have some quiet time and the end of another long day.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I can relate. I've been there.
Nowadays I just don't really WANT to go to a bar.
I CAN. I can totally go anyplace without wanting to drink and I can sit and enjoy a root beer while others drink. I can.
But I don't enjoy being around bars anymore. It turns out, hanging around in bars is really only 'fun' to people who want to drink. If you don't want to drink, there's almost no reason to go to a bar and pretty much nothing to enjoy. I do sometimes go to a band at a bar - but even then I leave early because I really don't enjoy crowds of people drinking.
Hang in there, it'll be awesome.
Nowadays I just don't really WANT to go to a bar.
I CAN. I can totally go anyplace without wanting to drink and I can sit and enjoy a root beer while others drink. I can.
But I don't enjoy being around bars anymore. It turns out, hanging around in bars is really only 'fun' to people who want to drink. If you don't want to drink, there's almost no reason to go to a bar and pretty much nothing to enjoy. I do sometimes go to a band at a bar - but even then I leave early because I really don't enjoy crowds of people drinking.
Hang in there, it'll be awesome.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
I can relate. I've been there.
Nowadays I just don't really WANT to go to a bar.
I CAN. I can totally go anyplace without wanting to drink and I can sit and enjoy a root beer while others drink. I can.
But I don't enjoy being around bars anymore. It turns out, hanging around in bars is really only 'fun' to people who want to drink. If you don't want to drink, there's almost no reason to go to a bar and pretty much nothing to enjoy. I do sometimes go to a band at a bar - but even then I leave early because I really don't enjoy crowds of people drinking.
Hang in there, it'll be awesome.
Nowadays I just don't really WANT to go to a bar.
I CAN. I can totally go anyplace without wanting to drink and I can sit and enjoy a root beer while others drink. I can.
But I don't enjoy being around bars anymore. It turns out, hanging around in bars is really only 'fun' to people who want to drink. If you don't want to drink, there's almost no reason to go to a bar and pretty much nothing to enjoy. I do sometimes go to a band at a bar - but even then I leave early because I really don't enjoy crowds of people drinking.
Hang in there, it'll be awesome.
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