Could use some words of wisdom...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Could use some words of wisdom...
Tomorrow I get on a plane to go try to reason with or at least check in on my elderly, ailing parents. My parents' lawyer contacted my sibling and myself early this week because he was concerned about my father's major depressive state. We have been in touch with his doctor, who agrees with the diagnosis and feels it has been brought on in part because of the recent months my father has spent taking care of my mother, who has been in and out of the hospital since January.
My FOO is problematic, at best, and my relationship with my father is more so. The world sees a charming, intelligent, reasonable guy and they don't understand why his rotten selfish kids aren't helping this lovely couple...the reality of his private side is that he is belligerent, controlling, and can be nasty, particularly when things don't go his way. He refused any offer of help from us while my mother was hospitalized...refused. He has refused to consider home health care support...even though they can afford it easily. My mother refuses to move into assisted care.
The closest they came to accepting help was him calling me a few months ago suggesting the solution was that my husband and I come live with them, "mostly rent free." So we would be paying for the privilege of living in two rooms of my parents' house and being their caregiver. Ooookay. I said no, not least because my husband would have divorced me in two minutes.
My father has flat out told me not to show up tomorrow. He flat out told my sister not to show up. My mother begged us to anyway. So we're going.
They make me crazy and there will be plenty of wine around because my mother has a definite dependency, despite the reality that it worsens her heart condition and she knows it.
I will not drink, but oh...I know I'll want to.
Any suggestions or just hugs welcomed..
My FOO is problematic, at best, and my relationship with my father is more so. The world sees a charming, intelligent, reasonable guy and they don't understand why his rotten selfish kids aren't helping this lovely couple...the reality of his private side is that he is belligerent, controlling, and can be nasty, particularly when things don't go his way. He refused any offer of help from us while my mother was hospitalized...refused. He has refused to consider home health care support...even though they can afford it easily. My mother refuses to move into assisted care.
The closest they came to accepting help was him calling me a few months ago suggesting the solution was that my husband and I come live with them, "mostly rent free." So we would be paying for the privilege of living in two rooms of my parents' house and being their caregiver. Ooookay. I said no, not least because my husband would have divorced me in two minutes.
My father has flat out told me not to show up tomorrow. He flat out told my sister not to show up. My mother begged us to anyway. So we're going.
They make me crazy and there will be plenty of wine around because my mother has a definite dependency, despite the reality that it worsens her heart condition and she knows it.
I will not drink, but oh...I know I'll want to.
Any suggestions or just hugs welcomed..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: bedminster, nj
Posts: 65
Aries,
My first thought is...who cares what the world sees, you know the truth. Go and try to support them the best you can. They can take it or leave it. Be strong, and remember that you have your own life to live and a husband to love.
As far as being around wine, I have turned watching people hitting the sauce into an event. It's some serious comedy...
Best of luck to you.
BaldDaddyO
My first thought is...who cares what the world sees, you know the truth. Go and try to support them the best you can. They can take it or leave it. Be strong, and remember that you have your own life to live and a husband to love.
As far as being around wine, I have turned watching people hitting the sauce into an event. It's some serious comedy...
Best of luck to you.
BaldDaddyO
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
yes you have to go... Babe.. trust this old lady from a messed up family with some money and lots of family... its a mess.. but you have to.. why cause it will be a regret if you don't...my son did not make it to GrandDads passing or funeral .. and 15 years later my big guy has so many regrets.. on that one day.. Stand Tall look them in the eye and say its My Mom and My Dad. and pooo or ppppfffffttt.. hugs and prayers a daughter...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I'm sorry for what must be a very difficult situation.
I must admit I wouldn't do this personally, face to face, but I understand why you're committing to go.
It doesn't sound like your father is in any way reasonable tho so I'd keep my expectations realistic.
Drinking there would pretty much negate why you're putting yourself in this position in the first place.
No matter what else happens hold your head high and know that you will not drink over this.
I must admit I wouldn't do this personally, face to face, but I understand why you're committing to go.
It doesn't sound like your father is in any way reasonable tho so I'd keep my expectations realistic.
Drinking there would pretty much negate why you're putting yourself in this position in the first place.
No matter what else happens hold your head high and know that you will not drink over this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 979
I agree that you should go. You'll have regrets if you don't. I watched 3 grandparents pass via hospice and although it was very hard I am so glad that I was there. (Not the same situation as you, but I personally would have regrets if your mom wanted you there.)
Can you go and deal with what you need to deal with and just leave when the drinking starts? Maybe go shopping, to a movie or see the sights? It sounds like you and your sister need to be on the same page as far as dealing with your dad.
I'm sorry I don't have any more sage advice and good luck to you.
Can you go and deal with what you need to deal with and just leave when the drinking starts? Maybe go shopping, to a movie or see the sights? It sounds like you and your sister need to be on the same page as far as dealing with your dad.
I'm sorry I don't have any more sage advice and good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
I totally relate. Unfortunately, it's a pretty common scenario. The problems associated with aging parents are desperately difficult, not the least because the solutions that make the most rational sense for everyone involved are often rejected violently by the very people they're meant to help.
One thing's for sure -- if you drink over it, it'll only make things that much worse. Regrettably, I speak from experience. My most enduring regret from my drinking days is that I was unable to be sober during my mother's decline and eventual death. It made an already challenging situation even more difficult and miserable, and impaired me from making effective decisions on my mother's behalf. But at the time, of course, I thought the alcohol was helping me "cope."
Sending you positive thoughts and good wishes. You can do this sober!
One thing's for sure -- if you drink over it, it'll only make things that much worse. Regrettably, I speak from experience. My most enduring regret from my drinking days is that I was unable to be sober during my mother's decline and eventual death. It made an already challenging situation even more difficult and miserable, and impaired me from making effective decisions on my mother's behalf. But at the time, of course, I thought the alcohol was helping me "cope."
Sending you positive thoughts and good wishes. You can do this sober!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
I had a very similar situation in my family. My father insisted on being the sole caretaker of my mother for about 15 months when she was dying from cancer. And, yes, he was very depressed, but would listen to no one. He didn't want anyone's help, though like your family, he could have paid for it. And, my mother refused to be hospitalized. I visited briefly a couple of times but being in that house was toxic for me. It was hard being judged by other relatives, but no one knew what went on in that house. I sincerely wish you well as try to help out your parents.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 327
Dealing with an elderly and stubborn parent myself. It's very trying on the nerves and can be exhausting. My dad recently fell and hurt his leg and when my sister and I tried to take him to the doctor he got upset and said no way and asked us to leave. We finally talked him into going and he had a serious infection and needed antibiotics. He's diabetic so he needs follow up wound care too. It's so bad that sometimes I just ignore his calls because he complain so much but won't let me do anything or if I make suggestions he quickly dismisses those as not good ideas. Exhausting frustrating and I feel your pain. At least I won't regret that I cared enough to try. I wish I could spend time with him and enjoy these last year's without this type of behavior. I know that drinking doesn't solve anything. Just try to keep time for yourself. I'm starting back to yoga on Monday it really helps me. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi Aries,
Just wanted to send you some hugs. I know you are doing what you believe is the best thing for both your mom and you. I am glad your sister will be there as well.
I also know that no after how much alcohol there is, or how difficult the day turns out to be you won't drink. You are a few days shy of six months sobriety, and I know you've got this.
Sending hugs and prayers your way. Log in any time you need help tomorrow.
❤️ Delilah
Just wanted to send you some hugs. I know you are doing what you believe is the best thing for both your mom and you. I am glad your sister will be there as well.
I also know that no after how much alcohol there is, or how difficult the day turns out to be you won't drink. You are a few days shy of six months sobriety, and I know you've got this.
Sending hugs and prayers your way. Log in any time you need help tomorrow.
❤️ Delilah
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Aries, that does sound rough but I agree that being there is important- not for what other people think and not even for your parents really, but for yourself.
My only advice would be to try and just act like a kite on the wind. Just be there. It sounds like your father will not listen to your suggestions anyway so unless something MUST be done against his will for his or your mother's well being, just be there, go with the flow and don't try to get overly involved if you can.
I think that even if people can't express their appreciation because they are angry or depressed, they still do have those feelings somewhere.
You are a good daughter. Stay sober!
My only advice would be to try and just act like a kite on the wind. Just be there. It sounds like your father will not listen to your suggestions anyway so unless something MUST be done against his will for his or your mother's well being, just be there, go with the flow and don't try to get overly involved if you can.
I think that even if people can't express their appreciation because they are angry or depressed, they still do have those feelings somewhere.
You are a good daughter. Stay sober!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
I agree it's important to go and listen to what your heart says is right. Ask your mother what she would like from you and see what you can do. I like the kite in the wind analogy. Some things you just have to accept you won't be able to change and no amount of butting heads can make any difference. Let go of what you can't change, do the best you can with what you can. You certainly can control yourself and not drinking. Deep breaths... Lots of good thoughts and wishes 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I can relate a little bit. My elderly parents still have a TON of vinegar in them. Our relationships is tenuous. But I must remember they will be gone soon enough and I don't want to have any regrets, so I bite my lip....often. You'll be okay. Hang in there.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Thank you, everyone. Am at the airport with my gut in a knot...my flights are on time. Of course.
Andante, you summed it up perfectly: "The problems associated with aging parents are desperately difficult, not the least because the solutions that make the most rational sense for everyone involved are often rejected violently by the very people they're meant to help."
Amen.
I will try to be a kite on the wind.
Andante, you summed it up perfectly: "The problems associated with aging parents are desperately difficult, not the least because the solutions that make the most rational sense for everyone involved are often rejected violently by the very people they're meant to help."
Amen.
I will try to be a kite on the wind.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Aries
I'm doing the same July 6th. This year I will be staying in the house, which sucks. Last year I rented a condo....probably should have done that this year but don't want to deal with how offended they get.
I have to mentally prepare for these visits. Try to lock my past traumas associated with my childhood away in a safe. Put the Kevlar on to protect my sanity. Have zero expectations. Keep my opinions to myself. Have a strong escape plan when things get weird. Focus mostly on site seeing with my daughter. I usually do all the cooking when I'm there so just make dinner the one main interaction with the crazies....bug out as early as possible.
I try to focus on my parents as people that did the best they could. They were terrible parents, but they are just people to me now...not parents. My father has alcoholic dementia so he's pretty vegged out at this point. My Mom can't remember what she said 15 minutes after she said it so its the land of the lost. My oldest brother lives there, he's a mess. The ultimate victim, emotional vampire. I just limit my exposure to him. Crazy crazy. But they are my family....I guess. Whatever that means.
Good luck.
I'm doing the same July 6th. This year I will be staying in the house, which sucks. Last year I rented a condo....probably should have done that this year but don't want to deal with how offended they get.
I have to mentally prepare for these visits. Try to lock my past traumas associated with my childhood away in a safe. Put the Kevlar on to protect my sanity. Have zero expectations. Keep my opinions to myself. Have a strong escape plan when things get weird. Focus mostly on site seeing with my daughter. I usually do all the cooking when I'm there so just make dinner the one main interaction with the crazies....bug out as early as possible.
I try to focus on my parents as people that did the best they could. They were terrible parents, but they are just people to me now...not parents. My father has alcoholic dementia so he's pretty vegged out at this point. My Mom can't remember what she said 15 minutes after she said it so its the land of the lost. My oldest brother lives there, he's a mess. The ultimate victim, emotional vampire. I just limit my exposure to him. Crazy crazy. But they are my family....I guess. Whatever that means.
Good luck.
EnjoyingTheJourney
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,847
Originally Posted by Andante 
I totally relate. Unfortunately, it's a pretty common scenario. The problems associated with aging parents are desperately difficult, not the least because the solutions that make the most rational sense for everyone involved are often rejected violently by the very people they're meant to help.
One thing's for sure -- if you drink over it, it'll only make things that much worse. Regrettably, I speak from experience. My most enduring regret from my drinking days is that I was unable to be sober during my mother's decline and eventual death. It made an already challenging situation even more difficult and miserable, and impaired me from making effective decisions on my mother's behalf. But at the time, of course, I thought the alcohol was helping me "cope."
Sending you positive thoughts and good wishes. You can do this sober!
One thing's for sure -- if you drink over it, it'll only make things that much worse. Regrettably, I speak from experience. My most enduring regret from my drinking days is that I was unable to be sober during my mother's decline and eventual death. It made an already challenging situation even more difficult and miserable, and impaired me from making effective decisions on my mother's behalf. But at the time, of course, I thought the alcohol was helping me "cope."
Sending you positive thoughts and good wishes. You can do this sober!
Sending Big Hugs to you Aries. You got this. Take care...xxxx
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